Emotional Intelligence Mastery Bible 2.0

6 BOOK IN 1

THE PSYCHOLOGY OF PERSUASION, HOW TO ANALYZE PEOPLE, THE EMPATHS SURVIVAL GUIDE, DIALECTICAL BEHAVIOR THERAPY, DARK PSYCHOLOGY SECRETS, ANGER MANAGEMENT

COPYRIGHT ©2020

BY

Daniel Travis Cooper

ALL RIGHT RESERVED

This book is copyright protected. It is only for personal use. You cannot amend, distribute, sell, use, quote or paraphrase any part, or the content within this book, without the consent of the author or publisher.

Disclaimer Notice:

All material contained in this eBook is provided for educational, guide and informational purposes ONLY. No responsibility can be taken for any results or outcomes resulting from the use of this eBook. While the directions described within this eBook are the author’s personal thoughts and are not intended to be a definitive set of procedures. You may discover there are other methods and materials to accomplish the same end result.

THE PSYCHOLOGY OF PERSUASION

Contents

DARK PSYCHOLOGY SECRETS

Table of Contents

Introduction

Chapter 1: Mold Their Perception

Chapter 2: Elicit Congruent Attitudes

Control Body Language

Create Behavioral Consistency

Chapter 3: Trigger Social Pressure

Place Emphasis on Social Norms

Reveal Any Similarities

Chapter 4: Habituate Your Message

Use Repeated Exposures

Desensitize Negative Messages

Chapter 5: Optimize Your Message

Evaluation Alteration

Tweak Your Message

Chapter 6: Drive their momentum

Chapter 7: How to Sustain Persuasive Compliance

Chapter 8: Putting It All Together

Conclusion

HOW TO ANALYZE PEOPLE

Contents

Introduction             112

Chapter One: Recognizing Personality Types             113

Types of behavior             

Chapter 2: Body Language             126

Positive Bodily Gestures             

Negative Bodily Gestures             

Various Body Languages             

Body language of the head             

Body Language of the Mouth             

Body Language of the Eyes             

Cultural Influences             

Specific Hand Gestures             

Chapter 3: HOW TO FAKE BODY LANGUAGE.             148

Taking In A Deep Breath             

Controlling the movement of your eyebrows             

Relaxing your face             

Chapter 4: Secrete Language for Verbal and Nonverbal             158

Verbal Communication             

Oral Communication             

Written Communication             

Mediated Communication             

Intrapersonal Communication             

Interpersonal Communication             

Group Communication             

Public Communication             

Gestures             

Body Language and Posture             

Proxemic             

Eye Gaze             

Haptics             

Appearance             

Artifacts             

Chapter 5: Decode the Emotions of the Face             175

Lying Through Facial Expression             

Chapter 6: How to Seduce With Body Language and Verbal Communication              189

Factors to Be Considered While Seducing             

Seducing A Man             

Seducing Using Body Language             

Chapter 7: Subliminal Persuasion and the Art of Induction             203

Techniques of Subliminal Persuasion             

Conversational Hypnosis             

Accelerating Subliminal Persuasion             

The Art of Induction             

Chapter 8: The Art of Lying and Detecting Lies             220

How To Detect Lies             

Conclusion             233

THE EMPATHS SURVIVAL GUIDE

Table of contents

Introduction

Chapter 1: What is an Empath?

The Definition of Empathy

Cognitive

Emotional

Compassionate

What is an Empath?

How is Having Empathy Different from Being an Empath?

Where Does Empathy Come From?

Chapter 2: Understanding Energy

Different Types of Energies

Physical Energy

Emotional Energy

Mental Energy

Where Does Energy Come From?

What Can Drain Your Energy?

Chapter 3: How to Stop Absorbing Other Peoples’ Distress

The Effects of Absorbing Distress

How to Shut it Down

How to Cope in the Meantime

Change What You Can

Find an Outlet

Tell Yourself it Will Be Okay

Write it Out

Chapter 4: Protecting Yourself from Narcissists and Energy Vampires

What is a Narcissist?

How to Recognize a Narcissist

The Traits of the Narcissist

What is an Energy Vampire?

The Victim

The Melodramatic

The Passive-Aggressive

The Irascible

How to Spot Energy Drainers

How to Keep Energy Drainers at Bay

Chapter 5: Empaths, Parenting & Sensitive Children

Children with High Emotional Sensitivity

They Are Receptive to the Energies Around Them

They Cry When Other Children Do, or They Cry When People Get Angry

Animals Seem Drawn to and Comfortable with Them

Displays of Their Compassion Are Not Limited to the Living

Things on TV Affect Them to a Large Degree

They Enjoy Time Spent Alone

They Know When You’re Lying to Them

How to Help Children Cope

Bedtime Meditations

Mindfulness

Scheduled Decompression

Five Senses Meditation

Help Them to Choose an Outlet

Encourage Them to Spend Time by Themselves When They Need It

Parenting as an Empath

Coping Strategies for the Empathic Parent

Meditation

Mindfulness

Journaling

Spend Time with Friends Your Age

Find a Creative Outlet

Chapter 6: Empaths & Work

Disadvantages of High Sensitivity in the Workplace

Advantages of High Sensitivity in the Workplace

Ideal Careers for Empaths

Difficult Careers for Empaths

Chapter 7: Empaths, Love & Sex

The Effects of an Intimate Relationship on an Empath

Benefits of Empathy in an Intimate Relationship

How to Manage Empathic Responses in a Relationship

Deep Personal Connections & Their Effects on Sex

Chapter 8: How to Overcome Anxiety & Fears

The Effects of Fear & Anxiety on the Body & Mind

Controlled Breathing

Aromatherapy

Do Yoga

Adjust Your Posture

Spend Time in Nature

Take a Break to Center Yourself

Forgive Yourself

Meditation

Examine Triggers

Accept What You Cannot Change

Allow Yourself to Relax

Eat Well

Sleep Well

Exercise Proper Time Management

Surround Yourself With People You Like

Spend Time with People You Love

Spend Time on Your Hobbies

Conclusion

DIALECTICA BEHAVIOR THERAPY

Table of contents

Introduction: What is Dialectical Behavior Therapy?             364

Step 2: Going Over Dialectical Behavioral Therapy             394

Step 3: The Power of Mindfulness             399

Step 4: Distress Tolerance             411

Step 5: Emotion Regulation             415

Step 6: Interpersonal Effectiveness             420

Step 7: Extra Tools and Exercises             425

Different Kinds of Stress             

Ways to Relieve Stress             

Becoming More Assertive             

Becoming More Organized             

Step 8: Conclusion: Creating New Habits to Balance Your Disorder             465

DARK PSYCHOLOGY SECRETS

Table of Contents

Table of Contents

Introduction

Chapter 1: What is Dark Psychology?

Chapter 2: What Being “Dark” Really Means

The Dark Triad

Machiavellianism

Narcissism

The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism

Psychopathy

A Fourth Trait

Other Possible Dark Psychological Personalities/Traits

Vulnerable Dark Triad

Malignant Narcissism

A Dark Continuum, A Dark Factor

Purposeful Behavior and Dark Psychology

Chapter 3: Historical Examples of the Dark Triad

Machiavellianism

Narcissism

Psychopathy

Levels of Psychopathy

Chapter 4: Methods of Manipulation

Motivations of Manipulators

Manipulative Techniques According to Harriet B. Braiker and George K. Simon

Personality Types and Manipulation

Vulnerabilities of Victims

Chapter 5: Having a Manipulative Partner and How to Avoid Manipulation

What is a Narcissistic Personality?

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)

The Malignant Narcissist

The Narcissist and Emotional/Psychological Abuse: What Truly Lies Beneath

Narcissistic Victim Syndrome: When an Empath Meets a Narcissist

Falling for Them Again: The Codependent Relationship

Differences Between Other Disorders of Similar Nature: The Borderline and Histrionic Personality

Borderline Personality Disorder

Histrionic Personality Disorder

Halting the Cycle: What to Do

In Domestic Relationships

Chapter 6: The Art of Persuasion

Psychological Theories of Influence and Persuasion

Techniques of Persuasion You Can Apply

Chapter 7: A History of Mind Control

Project MKUltra

Brainwashing

Famous Instances

Human Trafficking

A Psychological Description

Marketing and Advertising Techniques

Techniques to Be Aware of

Other Forms of Mind Control

Hypnosis

Subliminal Messaging

Cult and Group Brainwashing/Mind Control

Chapter 8: Mind Control Techniques

Hypnosis

The Induction

Change Work Process: Using Hypnotic Suggestions

Ending a Hypnosis Session: Bringing Your Subject out of Trance

Brainwashing

Subliminal Messaging

Mind Control Techniques Implemented by NLP

Meditation Practice

Chapter 9: Using Mind Control to Your Advantage

ANGER MANAGEMENT

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Introduction: What Is Anger?

Chapter 1: The Roots of All the Problems—Mental Disorder

Chapter 2: The Importance of Control

Chapter 3: Social Anxiety Disorder

Chapter 4: The 21 Daily Strategies

Chapter 5: Awareness

Chapter 6: Emotions—Discover How Forgive

Chapter 7:  Get Out the Stress from Your Life

Chapter 8: Keep Calm at Every Provocation

Chapter 9: Breathing Therapy

Chapter 10: Personality Disorder – How to Recognize It

Chapter 11: Meditation Techniques

Conclusion

The Psychology of persuasion

Introduction

Everyone has somehow been involved in things do not matter at all. Not because they wanted it inherently, but because there was some pressure that was piled up to push you into getting involved, taking a certain action or also disassociating with something. You have in certain circumstances just found yourself having subscribed to the fitness journal or some business or lifestyle magazine and then when you got access you start wondering why you had to.

You also have looked at how you interact with people. They make a request to you and you make requests to them. You should come to think of it. That why has some requests have to be accepted and at the same time, others are rejected. At times competitions happen to win capital for investment into a great business idea. Everyone who takes part usually has an idea and all of the ideas have the potential to do well on the market. Yet one winner is picked over the others. The thing is what made the difference in how they pitched their business ideas?

All these questions and others revolve around influence; he powers to impact on others and alter their opinion, perception, thinking and eventually their actions and behavior. This relies on the ability to persuade and it is all a game; a game of psychology. You study people and understand their behavior and thought patterns and you know what can make them tick. Then you devise the mechanism of achieving exactly that.

So, influence and persuasion play in the circles of psychology. It targets the mind and follows up to impulses, feelings, and actions. Like a game of psychology, persuasion has to be understood in terms of how it plays out. Because we are all subject to persuasion. If not we also are attempting to be an influence on others. So you have to gain knowledge of this psychology.

Chapter 1: Mold Their Perception

This is a prime aspect of influence and persuasion. It all starts with what people think of you. It is about striking with a certain

image that dictates others to view you in a certain light. By the way, you come out towards people; you raise a certain level of expectation out of them. It is more or else the way we expect a woman to behave in a manner that is different from how a man will. We ascribe a certain level of expectations of people who have certain characteristics. And if that is the case, it means that to dictate how people perceive, you have to work on recreating your image. Work on deciding the personality you want to project to people. That will do the initial work of shaping and directing the perceptions of the people.

I have watched it in a comedy movie, that when a man goes to a shop to purchase am an item on credit and he is not known to the shopkeeper, the shopkeeper looks at the attributes of the man to determine whether or not the creditor is trustworthy. The comedian in eth movie played a man with a deep voice and well-built body coming confidently and quite overwhelmingly to ask for an item n credit.

The shopkeeper feels quite intimidated and almost in a way to suggest the man’s appearance does not allow him to be asking for the particular good on credit. It is untypical of him.

Then he plays a slenderer man, easy and amiable in away. Introducing himself and going to explain his situation with a voice of vulnerability.

The shopkeeper readily trusts that the man is in a situation of need and only cautions the man to honor the debt. That is about perception and how it all just strikes back from how someone views you and directly characterizes you based on what is typical of someone who looks like you. The point is for you to realize that when you are trying to persuade people, you are bound to be successful or unsuccessful if your personality already softens people to be one towards you.

Susceptibility to Personality

Here is where we are assessing the reason why a person will be receptive to one person and resistant to another. There is some general susceptibility of people towards people of certain attributes as well as a general resistance to others of certain attributes.

When it comes to persuasion, people try to understand the subconscious and appeal to it in a way that the audience does not realize. For instance, in politics, there has been a general tradition of people being vulnerable to someone who is charismatic. Charisma in this sense is measured by the degree of eloquence that someone demonstrates.

In the USA, most of the politicians who have come out to strike personalities of charisma have a force within them that opens up the audience to be more receptive to them. So when he knows what to say, how to say it and where to say it, he just wins. This works on the subconscious of the audience and he comes out to resonate with their experiences, speak to their worries and trigger their hopes, everyone is left helpless. Yet to master this trick of persuasion, they go through months and even years of preparation and rehearsal. They practice for years on small stages and wait for an opportune time to display their political persuasion on the bigger stage. It is all about the personality that you evince that makes people trust and be carried away by the euphoria.

This is the same reason why some marketers are more successful with their products than others. What they present to the people when marketing a product is first the personality. The merit of the product however good it may only depend on how successfully the personality traits aided the susceptibility of the audience to the marketing message. You started to speak and everyone thought, wow! He is so eloquent, he drew on things that are real, he appeared introspective or he was just exciting. All of that has to be embodied in your personality for the specific persuasive utilization you are striving to attain.

Know Your Personality

It is necessary to, therefore, know your personality. This should be your natural disposition or nature particularly in relation to socialization and interaction with others. Know your strengths as persuasion heavily relies on it. You will be pegging your development of a persuasive personality these strengths as a strategy to fill up or compensate for the weaknesses. Once you know your personality you also understand what you are naturally able to do and what you are not able to do. This is why persuasion has to be studied as not everyone can be persuasive.

In order to persuade, you have to know the attributes of the audience or the person you are trying to manipulate. However, it does not make any sense that you can fail to know who you are and successfully understand others. There are various models that are used to describe personalities. We are sampling some to just help you understand yourself and hence know where you are going to start off when persuading.

Personality Model

The following model shows characteristics by representing them with colors and categories as explained below;

Drivers/Red: This category represents the people who are full of energy and have a nature that can be described as outgoing or extroverted.

Their nature is to try and relate and hence can see and recognize others for who they are. They are speed readers and you see them and wonder how they are able to relate with literally everyone regardless of who they are. They are naturally enthusiastic especially towards others and relating with them. Their nature can make them sometimes dominant and talkative.

They always steer discussions towards certain objectives and hence are direct and to the point with what they want. They also demonstrate independent thinking and hence are bound to be an influencer but are themselves not easily influenced by others.

They hence only seek advice and take the opinion of a chosen category of people as opposed to being susceptible to everyone. As part of their nature, they do not pay attention to one thing for too long and hence appear to be quite random. They are action people and such terms as results, focus, objective, and target describe them quite well.

Analytics/Blues; The nature of analytics is that they are thoughtful and hence introverted. They are meticulous and concern themselves with the things that you would consider petty. They also have a drive for attaining precision and incisiveness and hence you will find them preferring communication that is in the form of writing. This is in order for them to analyze everything and be able to understand it well. They also come out to be logical with things and could even appear quite academic in the way they view things and approach them. They are about data, facts, and figures and will be intrigued by discussions that appear to be from a point of information as opposed to mere speculative talk. Being analytic meaning they can dig deeper into their thinking and will most likely do better than their competition. They are quite guarded when it comes to protecting their emotions on what is going on around them. They are therefore described by such words as quality, sense, expert or evidence.

Expressive/Yellows; these are extroverts too but are generally the kind that makes it to the extreme levels. They are amicable and have a comely nature that oozes with friendliness. They also show a lot of desire to socialize and advance relations with others. They are popularity seekers due to their sociability and are bound to be very apologetic with their behavior and actions. Their standards are determined by others more than themselves and for that reason, their threshold f boredom can be quite low. They seek approval from others and hence have a lot to worry about in the process of making decisions.

They do not take initiative and will always want to be among others rather than stand out to declare their opinion on something.

They fear they could be wrong or offend others. They, therefore, show vulnerability to influencers and have low resistance to manipulation.

If you appeal to them with popular content and content that comes out as an expert or what is done elsewhere, they are overwhelmed they oblige. This is not to mean they are slapdash, they want what works, and what seems trendy, what will not fail the people they worry about.

Team Players/Greens; these are the kinds that care about conventions and virtues. They value common goals and the greater good. They could step away from their personal position to adopt group position and hence can be quite sacrificing.

They listen well and have great ability to empathize. Most of their efforts are expended towards ensuring relations are cultivated and sustained. When put in positions of coordination, they can excel for being patient and quite focused on overall success. 

Having assessed these personalities, you should be able to pretty much know your personality type base on the above categories. If you know your personality then you know how you come across and in interaction. However, you also know the various other personality categories and are well able to modify yourself. The point here is for you to be able to already see how your personality can directly suggest how much you can be persuasive and o what matters you can persuade or fail to persuade.

You

You can now be more mindful about how you are acting towards others when engaging them. You have to understand when you are becoming condescending and when you are totally being too forcefully due to their nature. If you are too forceful you draw out fear, intimidate and hence still become less persuasive. When you get people to do what you want not because they want it but because you simply must have your way is an indicator of lack of persuasion.

How to Come Out In Persuading the Various Types of Personalities

There is a way you, therefore, have to package yourself when you are addressing a person with a certain personality type. This is based on your assessment which has effectively made you categorize the person as falling into a certain grouping of behavioral traits.

Drivers

When attempting to persuade a driver, there various things that you have to do. Ensure that you come out as straightforward as possible. Do not beat around the bush as you know his attention does not even last long. So you want to wear a personality of someone who is focused and has the drive to achieve determined objectives.

So you do not want to be engaged in chit-chat but rather come out to remain on purpose and steer the conversation to the business and nothing else. This is someone who just wants you to look competent and so you do not look unsure and dillydally.

Address him directly and do not try to be condescending. He becomes more engaged when you appear to meet him at his point f reasoning. He takes challenges as it draws him out and he may engage you in conversation. This is as opposed to looking intimidated in which case, he will simply dismiss you. Remember he only listens to a selected few and seeks advice from handpicked individuals. Have a personality that can be quite compulsive in order to challenge him and make him pay attention.

Like stated earlier, it is not about what you are saying, it is about you that is saying it. That is why not everyone is given the responsibility to represent that company on business entourages. You have to work on yourself in order to project a personality that cannot be ignored by such a person.

You should not try to get answers or probe a driver. You will be taking his position and hence you will make him insecure. Just come out as a perceptive person and read him. Being intuitive will make him think you are intelligent instead. Do not turn a persuasion moment into a moment where you interview him.

He will either dismiss you or simply hold himself back. He will judge you and this will only raise his resistance towards you.

Any rhetorical questions are also discouraged. You come out unsure or he becomes suspicious that you can be insinuative. When he becomes alert, he becomes even less willing to change his opinion or open up to you. Persuasion is supposed to be seamless navigation through someone’s resistances to get him to change or follow a certain scheme of thought without him realizing. However, when he becomes aware that you are up to something or you are trying to manipulate him, it just is already a fail. Be smart about what you are saying and do not make him alert. When you are not focused on delivering your point and creating the influence you are looking for, you will definitely lose focus.

Do not try to also be bossy or come out to dictate on him. Wear an executive personality that is hidden in mild susceptibility or vulnerability. When you are persuading a driver you step back a bit for him to decide when to draw himself out rather than dictating on him just because you are trying to get something done. You have to be patient and patience means falling back a bit.

Let everything come out naturally.

Do not impose yourself, let the personality and mechanics of what you are doing work the magic for you. The point is for you to embody the necessary attributes that can give you an effective personality.

Do not engage in disagreement with the person or what he stands for. This is quite an opinionated person and is grounded on certain values and you are just putting yourself to try to change who he is. You are not about to make him appear wrong to be what he is as that will be insulting and he probably will be dismissive. If you mean to disagree, make it totally impersonal. This is by disagreeing with facts and issues and not his personality.

Have a lean objective on which you focus on with your persuasion. No matter how he deflects towards you and seems to get you distracted, keep yourself to one objective. Do not appear to have many aims of persuasion. Do not make it a conversation until you feel you are in agreement. As well do not let endless objectives come up as he may have all the mechanisms of resistance that may need you to adjust your objectives. However, drive yourself to the objectives and trying to gather his thoughts to see things the way you are seeing them. Know how to make him focus on the lean objective when he seems to be paying attention to non-issues.

Analytical

To persuade an analytical is a case of facts and figures. You have to project an image of someone who knows very well whatever you are passing across. Remember he is meticulous and does not turn a blind eye towards anything that he thinks matters on the matter.

What you should do is to ensure you prepare yourself well and ensure you make what you are going to present a part of you. This is in order for him not to see any difference between you and what you are presenting. This is what is regarded as being an expert. Think through everything and even rehearse.

Reflect on every facet of the case trying to anticipate any question, reaction or rebuttal. Do not at all be found off guard on account of anything.

You have to be sure you are ready and everything flows from you naturally because indeed you know what you are saying and it is what it is.

Do not try to be hasty and as he will perceive you as someone who is evading something. This works against you as an analytic does not buy your idea until he is really satisfied. So be patient and just give just about all that you have to give with patience to enable him to make up his mind based on something.

However, do not ignore his knowledge but try to create space to integrate his idea of things into your flow of evidence and information.

This is in order to come out agreeable and as well enable him to make sense of everything. Even if it is something that he is not vast in and you know better, do not assume that his ignorance will make him to just be swayed into anything. It is, in fact, start by ascertaining his knowledge of things in order to know how to navigate around him.

At all costs be clear since he is not going to buy your idea until he is really satisfied that he understands everything. Avoid whipping a lot of ideas around your idea as he is only focused on the matter that is of significance in what you are saying. Similarly, do not try to use jargon or language that is too complicated in the imagination that you will appear an expert. Just keep it simple and clear. Use language that is at his level and if it is something he grins about, fetch him from lack of understanding to a point where he understands. So be clear and do not try to compromise clarity for anything with this kind of a personality.

Have a plan of action or a logical schedule of the flow of things. Things should flow into each other and nothing should come out to leave some gaps in your information. Follow through on your plan to ensure that whatever is in the plan is what happens because the analytic does not forget.

You say this is the case and he finds out by other means that, in fact, that is not the case, you lose it. So the analytic is won only by honesty and truth; facts that are hard and which are not mixed with emotions. If you can, let the facts of things speak for themselves and you as a medium of it which will make you successful to persuade him.

You should not be disorganized in your presentation of things. As stated, everything should be logical and structured without any lapses. Also, come out as quite serious with what you are saying. Everything matters for him and so if you treat anything casually, then it is casual for him and he will simply dismiss it. Keep yourself composed no matter what and if it is something professional, you remain within your professional element.

Do not try to entertain or make fun as it will appear theatrical of you. Steer clear of emotions and be focused on logic. As well, do not make it personal by being invasive or intruding in the areas that are irrelevant.

Expressive

When you meet a person with the expressive personality, you are free to engage in chit-chat if you are going to leave an impression to him. The expressive is usually seeking to have some good time interacting and socializing. When you are supposed to engage in persuading him, meet their need to be social even as you go to make your business case.

Ensure you are able to excite him as it really matters to him that he has a way to relate and have fun even as he goes about some very formal work.

When dealing with this kind of purpose indulge them. This is by trying to steer the conversation towards what excites them. When you are addressing a serious matter, still focus on ensuring that what you say can have elements that interest him. Try to converse and this way; you will know how much he would like to be indulged. As a matter of socializing, do not hold back and come out with your own socializing abilities. Demonstrate social intelligence that is appropriate for the occasion and he can just quite much become so fond of you.

In this context, try to ensure that you do not overemphasize on details of things. You have to keep your eyes on the overall goal and just let things flow in the way that they do. Do not come out unfamiliar or far-fetched. He will have difficulty relating to you. If you have no way to play within the zone of familiarity, just ask for his opinion on things and use what he says to frame your opinion in order for you to be agreeable. When you are making examples, point to events that are near and which he knows.

Also, refer to people that are well known to him and if they are the kind that he holds a lot of respect for, he will find you quite authoritative and become more susceptible to you. The point is for you to wear an image of friendliness and sociability.

Do not dominate the proceedings by ignoring his opinions. That will make him feel sidelined and he will lose interest. If you are too opinionated, he feels judged and that means he will be uncomfortable and resort to withholding. Come out as an open-minded person who is not too fixated on certain goals. Do not also plunge into too many technicalities of things.

That will only make him less interested ad raise his resistance to you. Instead, just play with the situation that comes out at the moment. You do this by avoiding sticking to the routine or being too formal with him. Do not be too bookish or dogmatic and rigid. Also, do everything in your power not to be a bore as it will only damage your persuasiveness. This is someone that wants to relate and regardless of how and why you are engaging him, win him by being friends and appearing like an ally.

Team Players

When handling a team player, ensure that you are focused on showing respect and approaching him in a way that recognizes his role in the group. If it is about persuading him to come on board for some assignment, appeal to the important role he plays that the organization will not probably do without. Insist that he is the one man that makes the functions of the organization complete. He is the kind that wants to be listened to and what he says should attract a response.

Hence come to them with a personality that is open for interaction too as opposed to one that is authoritative and dictatorial. You attract this kind of a person when are non-threatening and appear less formal.

You also want to put him in a role where he can influence and hence appeal to his people skills. He excels in creating meaningful work relations and when you deploy him to mobilize and rally, he feels important and well used. In his responsibility, he feels like an expert and hence comes out to ask him to display his expertise. Do not tell him how because he feels he finds significance in showing others how things should be done. So ask him the “how” question and convey trust in his methods and style of approaching things. Tell him you liked how he handled a particular previous situation explaining how it brought the results that you were looking for.

So come out and be clear about what he does. Show that you really know him and his abilities. This way, you raise his expectations about you and what you expect of him too. He will also be inclined to prove himself once more if you are clear about his role in a certain assignment. Say exactly what role he is playing in the structure of the task and ensure that standards of performance are pegged on his previous excellence.

As much as that will be flattering for him, it will also make him strive to keep up standards and you will succeed in making hi continuously do his best even when he could have otherwise been reluctant to take part in a task. Your persuasiveness in this regard is your ability to ensure you show him how his skills and abilities come in handy to get things done. So do not dictate, persuade and you will trigger his internal drive to participate and do it well.

However, avoid being too hasty in requiring the team players to respond as quickly as you desire. Give them time to be ready and vest some persuasive energy in drawing them out by massaging the internal hot buttons that make them tick. Do not also be too much focused on technical details of thing as the team players chose what they pay attention to. When you overwhelm them with technical things, they feel too much weight and get scared. They are ready to listen and be guided but not when you are deciding everything for them. Let them feel they are in control of the situation they are involved in. For them, they want to feel a part of the community and group and to feel they are playing a role and hence do not dominate on them or be imposing.

Chapter 2: Elicit Congruent Attitudes

Attitude congruence or incongruence is all subject to persuasion and how information affects one’s perception of things. It is a matter of attitude reinforcement or changes towards certain behavior, action or phenomenon. With respect to this, attitude change that is congruent is about getting to reverse behavior, abandon it or just adopt negativity. Or also if someone has a positive attitude to even make a positive attitude stronger.

The incongruence of attitudes is when you find that someone holds a certain view and attitude about something and then you cause them to have an opposite view and attitude of it. For instance, when you meet a vegetarian who obviously has negative attitudes and view of beef and you impress them with the vitamin nutritional benefits of beef to an extent where they begin considering taking beef after every short while, that is attitude incongruence. Or you meet a smoker who obviously loves taking the cigarette and is probably a chain smoker. You then talk to him about the medical repercussions of smoking and even draw on very relatable examples that the smoker starts to think he should rehabilitate himself and go slow on smoking that is attitude incongruence. The point is that you get someone to impress a view that is opposed to his normal attitude of something.

For attitude congruence, here you focus on reinforcing an existing attitude towards something. This is to ensure that someone does not detract from his attitude about something. For instance, if you had a positive attitude towards exercising and you initially had not been serious about enrolling in a gym. Then you get some information that talks about how exercise can help in lowering the chances of contracting lifestyle diseases. Then you take a step to enroll in a gym and start attending exercise sessions. That is attitude congruence. It only reinforced an existing attitude.

In the same way, you have been tempted by friends to start smoking or try it. But you hold a negative attitude towards cigarettes for obvious health risks. Then your uncle dies of lung cancer that is associated with smoking which just confirms that the health risks are indeed real. So you not only promise never to be drawn into smoking but also you go on to keep yourself away from the friends who are trying to influence you into trying it.

That is a demonstration of congruent negative attitude towards smoking that has been reinforced by the death of your uncle.

Control Body Language

The principle of congruence applies to persuasion when you use body language.

The point is that when someone engages in a certain behavior; he will adopt a perception that is in line with that behavior. For instance, when you are reading a book and find yourself highlighting so much on the content of that book, it follows that you will adopt a perception that the book is interesting and you like. Since people can adopt an attitude that is in line with their behavior, you can persuade them and get to them to alter their attitudes if you can impact on their behavior to match the attitude you want to elicit. 

Of course, body language is a subject that has been studied widely by a lot of people. There is no scarcity of documentation that discusses body language. However, some of the books are written from mere intuitive imaginations as opposed to real and proven facts about body language. The basis for this is entrenched in the principle of embodied cognition. In this principle on can find an explanation for the following assertion;

When someone applies for a job and has a heavy resume and the shortlisting officer holds it against a lighter resume, the applicant with the heavier one is more likely to be shortlisted.

When you make notes in writing listing thoughts of negativity about yourself, it can lead you to have a lower sense of esteem. However, this only is true as long as the note-making involved the use of your hand that is usually dominant.

These are all based on the principle of embodied cognition which postulates that both the mind and the body are involved with each other.

They are intertwined in a way and hence the assumption that the mind holds control over the body is not complete. The body can also influence the mind and control which means that their relationship is reciprocal. A lot of cognitive mechanisms and workings can result from the behavioral manifestations of the body. In this regard, we are talking about mental viewpoint, attitudes and thought patterns are susceptible to the body.

Picture of the handshake as a show of agreeableness

This means that when you just observe a person behave in a certain way or display certain repeated actions with the body, you could use them to make conclusions about their attitudes and thoughts and cognitive disposition. So strong can this relationship between the body and the mind be that once someone just makes certain body movements, it could relay the related cognitive perceptions that are consistent with the body action.

So to explain the above bullet statements, a resume that weighs a lot heavier than the other one suggests to the brain that more information is packed in there, it processes to find reasons why that resume should be heavier and finds such explanations as possibly more recommendations, more experience, ore academic credentials,

and hence more qualification. In any case, it is a cliché that when something is of value and is important, it weighs heavier. Similarly, writing with your dominant hand things that are negative about yourself makes it truer.

This is because the dominant hand could never be wrong and does not mince with what it states. It is trained, has practiced and is sure. So, the mind believes what is written.

The opposite is the case when you write with the non-dominant hand as the writing will be slapdash and the mind takes this as a representation of the inaccuracy of what you are writing about yourself. This nullifies the effect of negative thoughts and reduces their believability in the mind.

If you are still not convinced, there is a theory that associated the saying of certain words with body physiological response and emotional state too. In one study, it was found that saying some vowel sounds make the kind assume a smiling facial position, which is then interpreted by the mind as so. The child feels better as, by them, the arterial blood was caused to cool down due to the expressions of smiling and lead to an ideal homeostatic body state. The vowels of “ee” and “aahh” are the pleasant ones in this case due to how they have to be said by showing a smiley face.

On the contrary, u if said repeatedly was accused of causing the body temperature to rise which was not good for the overall maintenance of ideal body conditions. This sound has to be articulated by assuming a gloomy facial posture that leads to a compromised flow of blood and results in escalating temperatures in the braid. This results in a somnolent mood by the person. This means that simply smiling or frowning can both elicit certain related emotional responses and associated attitudes as well.

How to use this for Persuasion

Having understood that we can influence our mental processes through body actions and movements, this can be appropriated in persuasion too. This is by being infections with your body language or causing the person you are targeting to influence to elicit certain behavioral manifestations with their body,

which is done to the optimal threshold, can trigger the development of associated mental patterns and thoughts. This is by getting your target to display body movements or body language some of which movements and body expressions are described below. You have to make your audience to perform the body expressions as described.

Nodding the Head

Of course, it does not apply so universally, but nodding the head in most cultures connotes agreeing with someone or something. When people are conversing, they usually express head nodding to communicate their interest in what is being said and usually goes a long way in fanning the speaker to keep talking or explaining. Since a lot of people have a mental scheme that associates nodding as a symbol of agreement, you will have a better chance to have your target listen to you and adopt an open-minded mental framework towards what you are saying if you can get him to just nod his head even before you can articulate your request.

In testing this psychological mechanic, some learners were given a pair of headsets that they were supposed to use as they tune in to a certain radio program. The students were to report about how good the sound of the headset came out by either nodding or shaking the head as a sign of disapproval side by side. What came out was that the students who were reporting back with nodding had acquired a favorable perception of the message appeared to be in agreement with what was being said. That means that once someone nods the head, it communicates to the brain to develop a mental state that is agreeable.

So how do you go about your target when you want them to shake their head? This is quite easy to get it out from your target by attempting to have your eyebrows raised as you pause when you are speaking in order to create a moment of nonverbal communication. This is at the point when you are striving to get your target to take in a certain point, and that draws them into nodding. When you are about to approach your target to put across a request, find a way of eliciting the nonverbal communication upfront in order to earn an acknowledgment and get him to nod their head. You will be able to trigger a more positive attitude in this manner and have more readiness for your request.

It is likely that if you have kept her nodding, the target acquires a mental drive to remain in the state of agreement and find it difficult to breach that mental state that you have caused them to acquire.

Exposed Chest

This is another important embodied cognition sue. You imagine that you are a money store operator and robbers come in with a gun pointed at you. The first thing you will do in the reaction is to just raise their hands up as a show of surrender and have their palms shown towards the robbers as a show that they are not holding anything in their arms to fight back. When people try to convey a message of openness and a willingness to let out as opposed to being closed, they have their arms positioned to exposes the palms and ensure that their chest is revealed.

Conversely, a show of closed-mindedness would be to have your arms crossed or holding something between the arms to obscure the view of the chest. This can also be a defense mechanism, a show of apprehension or anxiety. They are blocking themselves and creating a mental barrier that makes it impossible for any new information to get in. Given the association that crossing the arms has with the instinct of seeking defense, it means it will obviously lead the person to be resistant. It triggers an attitude of defiance that makes him unyielding whatsoever.

In one study, people were put in a situation to do an aptitude test and were put in various body positions. Those who were put in a position where they had their arms crossed, there was higher performance. More tests were answered by those in this position, and often, correctly.

This is because this gesture triggers a mental disposition of persistence that refuses to yield. That is the situation too with someone whom you are talking to and has his hands blocking the chest. You are just hitting a wall as he is closed in the mind is closed. He probably is holding on a firm to whatever preconceptions he has got about you or the subject you are addressing him to.

So better for you if you can get the person to have his chest exposed in order to create a more open state of mind for you to angle for persuasion.

When the arms are exposed, the attitude changes, and there is more receptivity towards the idea you are trying to sell to him. Do not quickly let out your request to a person that holds objects in front of the chest as they are already locked in and have no space to consider you.

Find a way to keep the person busy so that they can relax and stop crossing their hands so that they show some enthusiasm towards you and what you are about to say. In that way, you will succeed at your persuasiveness greatly.

Posture

This is another nonverbal cue with a direct link to mental patterns and state of mind. You can draw an appropriate body posture and directly tip the attitude of the target. Posture is especially associated with certain mental attitudes which are important in persuasion.

First is the attitude of pride that emanates from one’s body posture. When one feels fulfilled for having accomplished something and think they are enviable, they adopt a posture that is often straight and spread out. However, when there is a feeling of despair due to defeat or failure, the posture that comes out is slumped in and sunken.

Besides this, the posture also has something to tell about one’s perceived level of power. They are feeling they are in a higher position of authority so they can have a bossy posture. You who are trying to persuade can play this card yourself. Understand that you can influence if you come out confident and make yourself confident by influencing your mind to acquire a confident disposition. Appear expansive and you will alleviate the anxiety that can work against you in your attempt to persuade. You will overcome your nervousness and let your mind operate with ease and hence make you more forthcoming in your persuasiveness.

The practicability of this information may be quite farfetched in as much as it may be quite insightful and psychologically revealing. However, it is necessary since you have to be aware of the forces that work for and against persuasion. You have to understand how nonverbal cues matter as a precursor to understanding behavioral consistency that is the subject of the next section of the chapter.

Create Behavioral Consistency

To just quote William James one of the world’s most prolific psychologists who said that he usually does not sing out of happiness rather that he usually has happiness due to the fact that he sings. This is the fact the singing done by the body infiltrates to the mind to cause a state of happiness is the subject of this section.

Assume that you are told to pick some wooden pebbles and put them on a tray and then afterward remove them. And then you are told that in fact that is supposed to be a fun activity and that you have to keep on doing. You load the tray with the pebbles and then remove them. You repeat the activity for 20 minutes then 45 minutes and even it gets to an hour and beyond. The question is whether you will indeed find the activity interesting at all.

The definite answer to that is that it is a boring activity that is probably irritating. However, they then come to you and offer a reward of $1 or to another group $20 to convince other people to do this activity and make it fun or ensure that they have an exciting time engaging in this activity. Does that help to turn around your perception about the activity as boring? Does the reward have a significant effect on your attitude? And what kind of change will it be in light of the effect of the reward?

When this study is carried out and a reward introduced, it is possible to find that a more favorable attitude will arise for those who are rewarded with $1 while those with the higher reward of $20. This can be quite astounding to you but there is a psychological explanation behind this. For those who want to apply common sense on this, they will be inclined to think that the higher reward is the one that should have a higher power to turn around the attitude towards this activity and challenge. However, here is the explanation as to why the $1 reward is a better influence to change the attitude.

The explanation found in Consistency

There was a time when the leader of a cult announced that the world will be brought to an end by a sweeping flood. He said that it had been revealed to him and he stated the date for the catastrophe. He, however, indicated that those in his cult would be saved from the calamity by a guardian angel or some kind of flying saucer.

However, the date came and there were no floods, and everything seemed normal. Nothing in the form of a flying saucer appeared and everybody hopes that that was the end of the cult as his prophetic postulations had just failed him.

People knew the followers will be stampeding of the cult too as it had lost credibility.

However, the cult leader simply said that the catastrophe had put it forward saying the catastrophe will be coming but had been delayed. His followers remained members of the cult with even more commitment than before. A psychologist who studied the mental patterns of the followers after this prophetic miss that did not make the followers relent in their commitment to the cult concluded that people are naturally predisposed to sustain attitudes and behaviors and attitudes.

This is the explanation that best helps to understand the way that body language greatly relates with and dictates on the attitudes and leads to attitude congruence. When you display a certain body signal or nonverbal cue that does not fall in line with the thought patterns in the mind, it creates a state of conflict between the body and the mind. In the mind, it results in what is termed as cognitive dissonance. This conflict has to be resolved in order to attain a state of agreement between the two and in this case only attitude change brings back a state of balance. The thing is that, once you have drawn your target to display a certain behavioral action or body language cue, and it clashes with their inner cognitive patterns, it forces them to adjust their inner attitudes to a state of agreement.

Everyone is greatly yielding to the conflict that cognitive dissonance creates and it influences a lot of the actions and decisions we make on a daily basis.

When we exude a body action that does not agree with our mindset, the conflict emerges and a need to resolve it motivates us to adjust.

You just got a recommendation from your nutritionist and he set out a diet plan for you. Then here you are with a plate of fries. It leads to a state of conflict and you have to resolve it by rationalizing when you say that you cannot turn down the offer as it is the birthday of your girlfriend and it is just this once.

You know about music piracy and that it is all illegal and amounts to stealing. Yet you are always downloading free music and hence it occasions a conflict which you can resolve by rationalizing that piracy is part of the culture today and everyone is doing it.

You have a reputation of being studious and it is what identifies you. Then you are supposed to read for an exam but find yourself watching a favorite series and it is quite indulging that you do not see how to get off. So you rationalize that it is the final year and you have done much of the hard work in the previous and right now is the time to relax as what is remaining in the course if not likely to impact on your GPA.

It is important to, therefore, recognize when you are confronted with a conflicting situation that sets your mindset against your behavior at that moment.

There is always something speaking to you and telling you to be fine with your behavior in the meantime. That is how your system comes out to restore a state of consistency between your cognition and your behavioral or actions.

The power of inconsistency or incongruence

This part answers the scenario raised earlier as to why the cult members still think that even though the end of the world did not come as foreseen by the leader that will still happen later as postponed. As if it does not happen to them to think that if this one has not come to pass, that even the later one could just be another empty hunch. To understand that, when the prophecy of the end of the world came, no matter how hard it was for them to take it in, they had to change their mindset and tune it to this premonition by the cult leader. Some sold important assets while others had to get off very lucrative jobs. When it did not happen again, it was too disagreeable with the original trigger that got them to adjust their perception and quit life convinced that the end was here. It would have been too difficult to confront the harsh reality that they had sacrificed what they had and livelihoods for absolutely nothing.

The cognitive dissonance would have been too harsh and difficult and hence it was better to continue believing that it had not happened now but it is still going to happen.

Failing to keep a consistent belief system would lead to a u-turn of things and having to confront the harsh reality of the life that now awaits them without jobs and the properties that the probably disposed of cheaply. The thing is that they could not now change their behavior again; go back to the boss and say, after all the world is here to stay and that I want to go on with work. Or seizing back assets that had been disposed of was already out of question. So the only way was to survive was to work on their attitude as they could not do anything about reversing the behavior that they already change in the past.

How to Persuade Under these Circumstances

In order to make people adopt an attitude that you want, just go out of your and make them engage in a behavioral manifestation that is in line with that attitude. Once you have succeeded at drawing out the behavior that you want, you are already on course to the person’s mind. You can get to a person’s mind from the outside. Go for their behavior as a gateway to the mind. Once you have got them to exhibit behavior associated with the attitude you are looking for, if it is not what their attitude agrees to, there is a conflict that you have created and the person and they will have to adjust the mindset to fall in line with the behavior.

To try and alter attitude a persuasive way that targets behavior would be to approach it by starting as somewhat aimless.

This is by making a very small request on the person even though you are targeting to table a bigger request. This is called a foot-in-the-door approach. So you are just slowly making them stoop by making them bend a bit and concede to a seemingly insignificant request. When they have agreed to that, it will obviously stream to their brain to view you favorably as they brought themselves to doing what you wanted. They may think that it was small but it was a behavioral exhibition that connects to the mindset. So when you later come with an escalated request, it may be quite difficult for them to turn it down, as they will be required to aspire and remain consistent. To fail to do at you are asking will not be in line with how they have come to perceive you after conceding to your earlier request and create a state of conflict in them. Of course, the result of the cognitive dissonance will be in your favor to the greatest imaginable extent.

The salespeople use what is termed as the lowball procedure of persuasion in light of this theory of consistency. You have most likely been a victim of this when you are purchasing something from a dealer. You bargain for it and agree on it at a certain price but say he is going to write the receipt ate the back of the counter. So he leaves you there for a minute, which you use to fantasize about acquiring your dream product and better steal, at quite an affordable price.

Then he reappears and says, unfortunately, the manager has dismissed the bargain and will not let out the product if an extra $500 is not paid.

At that point, you are already in the deal and you feel already the sensation of owning the product and he achieved at triggering some inertia in you. So the push to comply with the request is too much for you and hence you feel that the additional such is not much after all as compared to the cost of losing the whole feeling. Try doing such a thing and applying it in an insightful manner and you will see how much susceptible those hard-nuts are in the real sense.

There is also another easier and straightforward way to do it. This is by just calling out on the person to display the attitude you want. For instance, you meet a person freshly and your comment that his dressing is looking fantastic and he feels complimented and appreciates you. Then you follow it up by saying “I hope you are fine”. He agrees or even says he is doing fantastic. In reality, he could be having the worst day but has just confessed to a positive feeling which will directly mean that he has to be true to it. If you put up a request to her, they are bound to what they just confessed and will have to be positive and not get out of their skill.

Your request has a more positive receptivity due to the attitude you just triggered and which they cannot betray with an inconsistent behavior towards you.

Chapter 3: Trigger Social Pressure

In order to have some force of compulsion on your target, you will need to have the ability to draw out social pressure within your target. Social pressure is essential in persuasion and any author delving into this subject will explain that it has to be executed, as it can be effective in influencing behavior of the target. It is in our nature that we are quite vulnerable to the surroundings and the behavior of others around us is constantly impacting on our decision of how to behave. When we are in a situation where everyone we are in contact with are behaving in a particular way we feel an urge to also follow suit. That is the point with this step, which is about ensuring you can create an external force of social pressure that calls on your target to conform.

There once was a study that aimed at measuring the extent of the susceptibility of people to be influenced into displaying a certain behavior. He put the participants to sit in a horizontal line. He drew a line on one paper of 12 centimeters long. On a separate paper, he drew other three lines; line A 8 centimeter, Line B 12 Centimeters, and Line C 6 centimeters. The participants were spread horizontally in front of the display of the lines and were 7. This means that each one will have a perception of the papers and the displayed lines based on the angle from where they are seated. So the standard line on the first paper is 12 centimeters.

They are asking the participants to state which of the three lines on the second paper is the same as the standard line. The person sitting at a position of advantage obviously recognizes that it is B. he will even be surprised that people should be put to sit there and be asked to tell such as obvious thing. So when they ask the person sitting at the farthest end with an angle elongating the length of Line C answers that it is C, you are totally astounded.

Then going on to ask the second one, he also seconds the first one and says line C and then what a surprise just turned into a shock. So you question your own view and really assess if you are accurate about what you saw.

You are filled with doubt about what you are seeing and seek to confirm if you have left something out with how you are looking at the lines. However, the time allowed for one to be decided is limited and it is quickly counting down on you. As you continue to stagger in a state of confusion and doubt, the rest of the participants still go on to say Line C is the resembling one.

And then it is already the time for you to tell which line is equal to the standard line and you surely are even panicking at this point. So this is totally disorientation and an upset to your perception and some inertia is building up to view the choice of the others as probably the correct one. But you have no time to keep analyzing and to give the reason and what do you, stand your guns and say Line B is the resembling one? Not according to what came out of this study.

In this study, six participants had actually been hired to cause the confusion and only one was a fresh participant who was being studied to assess his conformity. The hired ones were supposed to just create an environment of confusions to sway the perception of the fresh participant. The researchers did not expect the pressure to be too powerful to the extent that was witnessed in the study. They tried that with several other fresh participants and as many as 76% of the fresh participants were swayed into also adopting the perception of the hired participants. They also state that it was Line C stepping aside from their obviously correct answer that it was Line B that resembled the standard line.

The Psychological Explanation of the Power of Social Pressure

There are two reasons why people are susceptible to fall prey to social pressure.

Informational Influence

People usually will drop their opinion or belief system and adopt that of others once they start to think that perhaps they are wrong. They are doubting their beliefs and are asking themselves just how come so many others are of a different opinion or have a different belief. You start to have self-doubt and to find some reason that strengthens the fact that you could be inaccurate about this whole situation.

It even becomes more confusing for one if the perception that is supposed to be correct is a=obscured in ambiguity. When a situation occasions ambiguity or a state of obscurity then the power of informational influence becomes almost inevitable. We easily can distrust what we perceive in relation to what others perceive.

If one also likes a clear point of reference that can be an authority to hold on their belief, one becomes more susceptible to others and social pressure in this regard.

One is not sure that what they think is going on is actually correct.

They have not seen it before or heard it and for lack of experience of it, they trust others more than themselves to judge the situation correctly. Having experienced something or heard of it means that there is a point f reference that can make one be sure. However, there is no authority to refer to that can make you say what you are holding is the correct viewpoint. So your opinion with regard to that is vulnerable. When the answer is however clear to you because you have a point of reference then the informational influence is replaced by normative influence.

Normative Influence

This is a more powerful persuasive avenue of social pressure than the previous as it elicits a motivation to adopt a certain behavior or belief in order as not to suffer certain consequences. The persuasion, in this case, is triggered by the associated consequence for sticking to a certain belief as opposed to adopting a new one. In the experiment detailed earlier, the fresh participants were forced into accepting that Line C resembled the standard line against their internal perception because of fear to come out deviant. They could not afford to stand out from the rest and be on their own. Those participants who came and were not required to say their choice of the resembling line, but, instead, just put it in writing wrote the correct answer. This is because of the security that comes with the anonymity that assured them that they will not be known to be the ones who gave that different answer. It covered them up and hence the social pressure was not exerted on them. The pressure to conform was minimal under the conditions of cover where they were assured that the rest will not know what they had decided.

They felt-covered from what they sensed as being perceived deviant and this made them stand by their inner belief of how they perceived things.

The point here is that people usually have sensitivity towards their environment.

People have a very prominent sense of belonging and a sense to just fit-in as opposed to standing out from the others and being judged. To start out suggests that they are being unconventional or are doing something that is not acceptable as most of the other people are doing something else. They are vulnerable to these fears of isolation and are uncomfortable with appearing unconventional or opposed to the majority belief system. It is usually thought that being isolated can lead to rejection as you feel you are not exuding the attributes that qualify you to be a member of the group. The thing is that one has to aspire to fit in to avoid social rejection.

The rejection is explained as having a painful sensation which is why people naturally try to avoid it. It is experienced in the same way as people experience physical pain and hence is avoided in a similar fashion people do avoid physical pain. What would be the strategy to persuade with this understanding?

Place Emphasis on Social Norms

There is one thing about norms or ethics which is that they are greatly situational. So you can literally use social norms and appeal to them while pointing them in the direction you want. For instance, if you found yourself in a library and there are people discussing in a noisier way that is typical of the library environment you know, and you realize no one seems to care about it, you adopt a perception that this library is more socially permissive and mildly rowdy and everyone seems to know that. So you settle down and become okay with it knowing it is just the way things are. You know then that here, you do not hold on to the convention of maintaining the quiet in a library. If you, you will be isolated in this environment and therefore lead to social rejection.

This already explains exactly what you have to do to persuade your target to adopt the attitude you desire.

You just have to create a norm through altering circumstances that suggest that is the way things are. For instance, if you are trying to keep people from littering and the compound is all littered, it will not impact on the people to stop littering however much you speak to them. People will be bound to litter based on how much they have found the compound littered. When you walk in an environment that has just a few pieces of litter, other few people are also bound to litter a little as others appreciate the largely clean environment by avoiding littering.

So you influence the people to avoid littering by keeping the place clean at all costs. So people will see that cleanliness is the norm and will follow suit. You have not given speeches on littering. You have just been psychological.

The same has been applied in other areas such as in tipping. If you place a collection bag for tipping at a workplace and want, the people to drop in huge sums of money you can persuade them through the same strategy. You come and place in the bag some notes of certain value. So the people you are targeting pass by and see that in fact, people are dropping in the bag something already and will feel pressured to also do so. That appears to be the norm from the impression that the bag has money. Then when he is about to tip, he realizes it is only noted. That will mean that he will not want to appear out of the norm as people there drop in what they drop generously in terms of dollars. So people will follow the norm and reach for the dollar note in their pockets and purses and tip.

So in the evening you simply take the total of how much is in the bar and you make the difference and keep the initial notes you put in the bag to play the game. It will shock you that you will end up collecting huge sums of money by simply appealing to the social norm or creating your own norm circumstantially.

The strategy cannot only be used to encourage behavior such as generosity as explained above in tipping and keeping the compound without litter. It can also be used to diffuse negative actions and behaviors such as fighting alcoholism in a college environment among the students. This is by pointing to a norm that is desired.

You do not post placards on the notice boards stating that “it has come to the attention of the college management that there is a lot of alcoholism happening among students. Exercise moderation as you drink.” This is a statement that reinforces the norm of alcoholism and hence is ineffective at being successful to impact on the attitudes of students towards alcoholism. However, another statement could state, “We realize that since the past semester and the current one, students have displayed a pattern of responsible drinking which is a positive trend towards a sober college. We encourage you to keep up the trend.”

This second message is far more persuasive as it draws on a positive norm and anyone reader will be thinking other people are becoming responsible towards alcoholism. They will question their irresponsibility and try to act in a manner that is consistent with what others are doing with regard to drinking. The effectiveness of discouraging a negative behavior is to appeal your message to a norm that appears to be embraced by many pointing to the behavior that is desired as opposed to referring to negative behavior.

The norm in the second statement is that people in the college are drinking less or in moderation and hence anyone who is overdrinking could feel isolated and feel a compulsion to conform.

Persuasion through Reciprocity Norm

Reciprocity refers to our aptness to do towards others what they do towards us. This is because of human connection that strives to attain balance through a two-way style of relating. People are generally overwhelmed when they receive favors from others and it smothers them into vulnerability. They always keep wondering what they have to do in return for usually when someone does you a favor; the seesaw tilts the balance on your side. You are left unsettled and indebted without anyone saying that you have to repay back one way or another.

However, reciprocity desires to be even with someone by getting out of their debt. You want to untie yourself from the power of debt by doing something to them that will nullify the favor.

Failure to reciprocate is experienced as pain as it drives one into social rejection and isolation overburden by their feeling of indebtedness. So the way for you to persuade is to simply dish out some favors to your target even when they are not expected or solicited. Do not be complaining about the things you did to others and got nothing in return.

That is an obligation you placed on them and they can play right in your arms since they feel indebted t you. Capitalize those favors to get to your desired ends on those people.

Opportunities, when you can actually do people, favors even when they are unsolicited are many. You just have to look around and be perceptive. It is not being random with favors but strategic and knowing that whoever is receiving the favor will at some point be needed for you and you have already tilted the balance on their side. They will step up and not disappoint you because they will feel they have to show back the same benevolence that you showed them with the favor.

Compliments

People are naturally gregarious and like to relate in as it is how they feel they belong and are appreciated. However, in being gregarious, they want to stand out and be enviable. And they like it when they make others feel they are a bit better. Due to this need, we are innately vulnerable in our pursuit of approval. We seek to impress and when we find approval we feel satisfied and we bring our resistance levels down.

The point is that people are quite pleased when they receive compliments. The compliments could be in recognition of anything from their looks, personality, actions or behavior. However, you do not come out reckless with complementing and throw them around for the sake of it. They are an approach at persuasion and hence they should be strategically deployed. You are not just going to say good hair now, excellent speech then, and a nice smile before, love your calmness after… it is typically a show of neediness and makes you bogus at it.

You have however to come out as genuinely pleased by something about your target and your share your feeling of awe or desire for it. State the quality and praise it as a show either of respect for the action or personality or to convey your admiration.

Using compliments can go a long way towards making you likable and also has the power to arouse a sense of indebtedness in your target. Usually, when someone says something that enthralls you to recognize an aspect about you, does it not move you to smile at them. Perhaps it could just be the icebreaker to a conversation that you have been longing to have with the person and you later get to know each other better. Someone says they like how your hairdo compliments your facial expressions, you quickly also are thinking of finding something about them that you will comment favorably. It also elicits the sense of reciprocity that could go beyond just another compliment thrown back.

Reveal Any Similarities

It is very essential to recognize the power of similarity that draws on what one already has within their cognition and what they are encountering freshly. Usually, this comes with likeability and how much you can be favored. This means that building rapport can lead to better receptivity and enhancing your aptness to gain compliance from your target. Here, you are focusing on the things you have in common with your target to just lead him in appreciating that your differences are not significant as such.

Under this approach, you will find us proving the presumption that opposites elicit more attraction as being greatly wrong. Psychologically speaking our perception of others becomes more favorable when we can find things that show that we are similar or we resemble. The resemblance does not have to be holistic. It just could be on a few matters that mean something to our cognition and receptive instinct towards others. For instance, it could be the interest that we share, having a similar physical appearance, or any other small and great thing.

Usually, there is a principle in psychology referred to the as incidental similarity that is responsible for triggering likeability between two people who have encountered each other and realized that they have a common thing. The thing could, in the eyes of others be irrelevant and petty and may not seem to matter. It could be about a feeling of interest in sports, photography or exercise. There is usually a force that drives us to droop towards something that seems to resemble us. This drive can even determine the decisions we make, the behavior we display and the actions we take.

In line with this, it was found that if groups of high school students were asked to choose their preferred careers, those who go by the name Dennis are bound to choose dentistry while those with the name Geoffrey are bound to settle for geo-related disciplines. It was also found, by coincidence that practitioners in architecture and structural engineering who deal with roofing had names that more often than not start with the letter R. The same principle applies when it comes to people with certain names being found to be distributed in cities with corresponding alphabetical letters that reflect the names of the residents. How this distribution happens may not be conscious in the minds of people, yet it is real and it does determine choice, decisions, and behavior.

The power of similarity

But of the explanation of this could be traced back to evolution when humans were just emerging from different walks of life. When they met, there was a trust problem and which often came out as insecurity. Ancestors were drawn towards their fellows who had characteristics similar to their own.

Those who had different attributes and characteristics appeared threatening and hence caused ancestors to be cautious. And true to it, failure to display the caution led to some of the ancestors being killed and their species disappeared into extinction. The remaining ones learned and internalized the notion of similarity as a great indicator of how much trustable someone is and it could just explain why prejudice and discrimination still continue to determine social relations of people with different attributes such as race, ethnicity, and religion among other divisive lines of humanity.

There is also the explanation held in the notion of implicit egotism. This is the postulation of the fact humans are naturally given to self-centeredness to a certain extent. We love ourselves and our kind and hence we are repulsive towards those who are not like us. The thing is that those who are somewhat like us attract the same love we direct towards ourselves. We have the space to accommodate them as a part of us because they are like us.

So we can explain that people going by the name Dennis will have a propensity to choose dentistry because of the agreeableness of the letter D. Some affinity workings are responsible for the push toward the career with a spelling resembling the spelling in their name. This could sound quite farfetched or obscure yet evidence in support of this is quite ample.

It has been assessed even with the patterns of consumption in marketing, it has been found just how similarity determines the kind of product that a person f certain attributes or name consumes. The force may not happen at the conscious level but it is dictating on people constantly.

How to persuade in light of the above

You can use the principle of incidental similarity to guide your target in how he behaves as they are under the influence of this principle. They inherently are pulled towards the things that resonate with them and that relate to their state of being, habits, actions, behavior or simply, those that are familiar. This is by being perceptive as you interact with your target. Learn something about them that defines them. Try to see if you have the same in you and so that you could direct them towards the one or two things you share. If you do this, it will obviously lead to triggering the working of implicit egotism. The egotism favors similarity and excludes strangeness. It is a good way of building rapport with your target and they will e influenced into complying to your advances.

The difference between you and your target is that you have read this book. You now know how to use your natural and persuade or influence others who have the same nature as yours but do not know how they can deploy it to certain objectives and ends. You are aware of what is going on and you consciously understand the psychological drives that could either be holding your target back or those that are making them resistant. For them, they are resistant and think that it is about the deal you are proposing being raw, or that she does not seem to like your style of speech or something like that. For you, take the time to pick on one element of similarity and appeal to it, the rest of the dissimilar attributes between you may not matter afterward.

Do not encounter your target and immediately get to business without understanding. It could be a business encounter but what both of you are going to present do not matter as much as the psychology that works in determining how you perceive each other. Ask the person some questions that can help you speed-read them. Find out what could have made them interested in such a deal and why it may matter to them. Just try to go around them a bit in order to get a grasp of what kind they are. If it is more social interaction, ask her about her interest and why they are doing what they are doing with their life.

When you do this, you can always realize that there is the thing that you share. You always can come in and say something to show them that you are actually the same as them on that aspect.

You could tell a story of how you deeply love photography realizing that it is also her thing.

You could even show her some of the places you have been on account of taking photographs and tell them that you could find some time to do it together.

There is also a way to persuade in light of this by appeal to what is referred to as the in-group favoritism. This runs in the same vein as the principle of similarity as explained earlier and of course, just builds the social pressure more. Under this principle, people seem to adopt a behavior or take part in an action or belief as long as the people they relate with or who they resemble find them actions or behaviors acceptable and worth of doing. When you go to the same gymnasium with someone and have been on the same exercise program,

it is easier to persuade the person to use certain energy boosters or other inducers because you also do. It is difficult to make them use them when you yourself do not. They are going to ask you to use them first so they can see.

When you make it appear like that is what people in a certain group should behave, think or act, it is easier. That could be people in the same basketball team, people from a certain university or members of a certain career. Conversely, people who do not belong in our group do not have as much persuasive power on us and in fact, dissuade us. So the point is for you to come out and show that you are not an outsider. Identify with them so that they can feel that you are one of their kind.

Use words that make you belong such as “we” and “us” as opposed to “I” and “you”.

I have seen marketers use this strategy successfully. When they go to a school for marketing, they know they are going to encounter teachers. They have a lot of stories that they use to show that they taught before they got out into marketing. So they say “once a teacher, always a teacher”. And they proceed as one among the members of the professions and using stories that really are close to the teacher and this really persuades them. To another audience, they also have stories that help them slide in as members of the group and that makes it really easy for the audience to feel that the marketer is being honest and that in fact his deal is just meant to exactly address the particular needs of this group.

Chapter 4: Habituate Your Message

To habituate entails making a certain practice or action a practice or something you ordinarily do. It is making it a habit. You do not make your request before you have been able to successfully execute this step. The way to go about this step is first to;

Use Repeated Exposures

Most of the people start somewhere when they delve into certain activity or practice. For example, the people who drink, they usually start off with fear and negativity. Some were just persuaded by friends to taste beer and of course they hated the taste. They wondered how the friends claim to find the taste refreshing by any standards. However, the friends tell him that it only takes a while and the confession will be different. True to this, after a few beers on several successive occasions, the once disgusting taste of beer becomes quite pleasant. And then from there, one graduate into a frequent beer taker. It started with negativity and the situation now is the extreme opposite. Another situation I when you listen to a song played on radio for the first time and it is a total bore. Then you hear it again and you wonder why the song should be played at all and if it is for lack of better songs. However, you later on a karaoke night listen to a rendition of it and you start to think that it is not a bad song after all. From then, you begin to like it.

The same applies to first having a negative impression of a person you meet in the initial interaction. Then you meet the person and interact with them in a subsequent couple of time and your attitude starts to change towards him.

These phenomena have a psychological bearing on them. It is called the principle of repeated exposure that others explain as a familiarity principle. Under this principle, people start to acquire favorable thoughts and perceptions about something as it continues to appear or happen to them repeatedly. More encounters with something makes it start to be understood as acceptable and the impression of it becomes positive. Some people have held a contrary opinion and think that power of attraction and likeability can be found in rarity or unfamiliarity. I think they usually follow the old saying that says contempt is bred by familiarity. This chapter will prove the fallacy that this saying actually is.

Repetitive stimuli can actually be so powerful. This can be explained by a simple analogy of which we prefer between an image of ourselves in a picture or a mirrored reflection. According to a study that looks at the psychology of the mind and perception, we prefer the refection because we see ourselves in the mirror repetitively. However, the other people will prefer the picture of you as that is the person that they meet out there every day. This just runs in the vein of familiarity.

The stimulus that is appearing to us or which we are experiencing via one sense or another does not have to be consciously felt. However, the mind continues to process it unconsciously and by the time you know it, you will be wondering how and when it happened for you to turn your perception around. This can be explained by a study where flashing of geometric shapes to participants was done at a very high speed but repeatedly. They could not consciously be able to recognize what shapes they were at all. However, they still were presented with the shapes in order to tell the one that was flashed and they largely correctly identified the flashed one. They were able to perceive the shapes but the threshold of recognition of what they perceived was not strong enough to be cast to the conscious and so it remained at the non-conscious. Nonetheless, it was processed as for them to tell.

The power of repetitions works usually works in nearly a similar fashion as does the principle of similarity that we just considered previously. The boost the level of familiarity and hence lead to reduced sensitivity or insecurity. We explained that the people that are not similar to us pose a threat and hence we defend ourselves by developing apprehension or dislike for them. And we repulse them by those means. The same is our perceptive reaction and processing of unfamiliarity. We perceive them as threats and adopt negativity toward them. However, that changes when one acquires some familiarity towards it.

The threat lessens and makes way for the adoption of a positive mindset. Another explanation for the power of repetitive exposure is that it creates conditioning or learning in the mind. There is also an explanation in the lenses of the doctrine of processing fluency.

Processing Fluency

This can be explained after reflecting on this activity. When you are told to recall and write down the occasion in which you came out assertive will you recall them? Say you are asked to remember ten occasions, will you be able to recall in 20 minutes. In a study, the set up this activity for two sets of groups with the first group required to list 10 occasions and the other 6 occasions. By the end, the group that listed 6 came out feeling more assertive than the group that listed 12. The reason is because of the time expended in the efforts to retrieve the information from the memory.

Reason for taking more time to recall more occasions is that it feels quite rigorous and quite difficult. As you recall an instance, it only makes it harder to retrieve the following one. This gets to a point where you do not even seem to think of the occasions at all. Then it starts to make you feel that you perhaps are not assertive. That is about congruence that we already discussed as well.

That the exercise was difficult and hence the person takes up a mental belief consistent with the difficulty. In this case, the mental belief is that I am not as assertive as I usually think I am. You are thinking that if I have been so assertive, why is it that I cannot provide the list of the occasions.

On the other hand, the person that is only listing a few occasions does it quickly. The difficulty level is low and quickly lists the occasions, which send a positive belief to their mental set up. He then thinks that I have been assertive and therefore I should be able to come up with the occasions with ease to prove it. So I have come up with the occasions without problems and it just confirms it.

The relationship of this with repetitions is that repetition helps to build up the processing fluency. Once I have seen something over and over, it means that I am better able to recognize it and retrieve its attributes from the memory on my next encounter with it.

You think of it like trying to slide on ice which can be quite difficult if it has not been compacted. However, as you try to do it on the ice, it gets compacted and you are smoothening your way.

The successive attempts of sledding become smoother, easier and fun-filling. You enjoy as you keep doing it.

It is about doing it over and over and then you will have cleared the bumps and barriers.

Or you could view it in the perspective of writing an essay on a topic and you have been having a bad time getting started. It has even gotten you to the point of abhorring the assignment and the topic altogether. However, as you persist and you find a lane to proceed with the assignment, things ease up and you think that you just found a breakthrough. So you get off knowing you cracked it and can then easily pick up from there. However, when you get back again you go back to the difficult place struggling to do the assignment.

The thing is that the more you did the work, the more familiar it became and you then thought that you had cracked it and it had become easier. Your processing ability had only picked u due to repeated exposure to the assignment and then you left before anything had been entrenched leading to a loss in the gains made on familiarity. So you come back and the unfamiliarity to work just comes back.

The strategy of persuasion with regard to this is to ensure that you make someone familiar with what you are saying in order to make it easy for them to process. If you are presenting an idea, just start by talking it out rather casually and shrouding it in an aimless tease. This is before having to later draw it out from the tease and presenting it.

That is what marketers do to influence people into buying things they spend a lot of money on advertising. You see it on television, it is a pop-ad as you browse, it appears on billboards in the city and then you finally encounter the product in the supermarket. You are way already drawn to purchasing that product.

The thing is to ensure that the idea or suggestion is not strange and trigger discomfort in your target. Achieve conceptual fluency by trying to create familiarity. When the idea seems familiar, the target misconstrues that to agreeability when it is only that he was able to process it quickly. It triggers a push to comply which may be difficult for them to resist.

Desensitize Negative Messages

This is a strategy of playing the mental receptivity of a person towards your message. It just emanates from ensuring that you can tell the probable reception and general attitude of your target towards your idea.

If it is repulsive, there is a way of making the person accommodate it unawares. Through this approach, you make the aspects of your idea that the person is sensitive towards recessive as you make the pleasant ones dominant. Then you can make the entire idea palatable to the person without their knowledge.

They should not be able to realize the negativity at all as it is coded in the other more positively perceived stimuli which serve as a buffer.

This is still habituation as you are making the person get accustomed to information that they ordinarily will not take in by diffusing sensitivities and making your target start to take in slowly and in a way that does not trigger the sensitivities. Of course, this is quite manipulative and does not hold the other person’s desires as the best interest. However, this approach is usually used and people experience it as it only dawns on them that certain changes have happened around them and they may have aided those changes unawares.

Changes that happen in drips usually never draw attention. They also are perceived as inconsequential and no one even is alarmed. You, however, have to be intelligent to know the difference threshold, which is the number of stimuli on your idea that can take for someone to realize that something is going on. You do not want to alarm your target and so you judge just how much to unpack in order to keep the dog sleeping as you advance your interests.

The point here is that you are camouflaging some unpalatable idea in a cozy way such that your target is not aware of what is going on as he warms up to what you are telling them.

Or also you just want to keep the suspicion law and so you do not come out to be suggesting a drastic change of things. You lay low and ensure what you are saying is just within the normal way things happen.

You are only saying that will bring efficiency in the current state of things as opposed to causing an overhaul. Perhaps you know the target is the one who advocated for the current system and rooted for its implementation. He will not have it replaced so you do not come up with an overhaul. You create an idea that will just flow into the current system and only bring efficiency.

So they can see everything running as usual but some ends have been tight so that results are quicker and better and they feel their system still takes the credit.

But then you keep introducing something else little by little keen to remain below the difference threshold. You are handling your target’s expectation that no change is happening but you keep it low. Then they get accustomed to the difference slowly by slowly until at some point they trust that you just are keeping this as they are and stop checking.

You treat the situation the same way they rehabilitate people with phobias through systematic desensitization. You start to introduce the person to the idea at a very low rate.

Just the way you introduce babies to foods. They should be kept unsuspecting avoiding any potential of side-by-side comparison. Your idea is completely lost in something favorable and they take it in knowing it is this when it is that. For babies, if they encounter stomach upset, they do not know what has caused it and that is what should happen. You should be clear such that you are not leaving a trail as you do your persuasion. You quickly treat symptoms of suspicions and ensure you are trustable.

In persuasion, it is all about perfecting the psychology and sometimes it may take patience. There is nothing wrong with retreat when you realize the target has become a bit sensitive.

Keep yourself on strategy and when it is not working it is simply not working. This is because they probably will realize that you are a rip-off and you may never have an opportunity to gain trust again. So this is a strategy that does not allow mistakes.

Chapter 5: Optimize Your Message

Evaluation Alteration

This can be explained by a situation where you usually are required to submit a report periodically to your supervisor at work about various work activities and events against certain determined outcomes. This could be on a monthly or weekly basis. The first time that you do this, you expect that you are supposed to show competence and convince your boss that you are good at what you are doing. You expect that your supervisor will take the time to analyze the report and use it to judge your standards of performance at work. So you take the work seriously.

You burn the midnight oil committing yourself to deliver a comprehensive report that does not have any gaps that can be the reason for someone to doubt your competence. You spend the better part of the night concentrating on the work and hardly sleep a wink. Regardless of the labor and sacrifice, the result of it please you and you know the boss will like what you just put together in that work. The next morning you scurry to the office and once the supervisor comes, you are excited to follow him to his desk and gladly hand the report to him with confidence.

He takes it rather casually; takes a gaze at the cover then peruses through rather skim flipping the pages in tens. In just less than three minutes he tells you to pick the report and says it is quite well written. You feel so hit by such casual way of handling the report given the effort you put in to come up with it. You know that the report is just supposed to be casually handled and that it is not your avenue of impressing your supervisor after all.

Picture of persuasive engagement involving information processing and evaluation

So the next time you need to make a report you do a slapdash work. It is semi-comprehensive and only put it together in an hour knowing your supervisor will not pay attention to it.

You had vowed that you will not be set to forego your sleep to make a report that does no matter as much to the supervisor. However, with the semi-comprehensive report, you hand it in and the boss shows a keener interest in it to want to dig deeper this time around. He says that he will take time to evaluate it and notify you as to what time you can both look at the content that is in there. That gets your chest throbbing as you know the work is poorly done. You know that if this report will be the yardstick that measures your competence, you will be found to be simply poor. This is what the chapter will discuss, on how you can steer people to evaluate what you present to them, either an idea or message, in your favor based on the circumstances.

How Messages Are Evaluated

There are two ways that people use to evaluate messages or the communication content and stimuli presented to them. That is whether that communication stimulus is verbal or nonverbal. The first way is termed as systemic processing. The second is heuristic processing.

Systemic Processing

When the supervisor came out to dig deeper into the report, he applied this way of evaluation. It involves doing a deeper dig into a stimulus, message or whatever we have put our attention to.

That being the case, this avenue of evaluation looks at what is lying in the message or the details of it. This is to mean that a person will look at the structure of things to see how that builds up the eventual impression being projected. If you are saying that the work was great and the week was perfect, that is the overall impression. However, what arguments or details hold up this impression is the concern of systemic processing.

Assume you are planning a family vacation after spending a whole year saving, do you just close your eyes and then open them and say the destination is Dubai? Or when you have secured a mortgage to be a house owner do you just toss the dice and abracadabra, you settle on New Jersey as your neighborhood of choice. These are situations that need you to research and even seek some consultancy services in order to make the most feasible decision on what you have to do. However, people are not always doing this when they are supposed to have the most comprehensive information that should inform their choices. This is explained in the next evaluation method.

Heuristic Processing

In the case presented earlier, the boss at first only casually skimmed through the report without bothering to engage in scrutiny. That was a heuristic style of stimuli or communication processing at work.

This style does not seek to base decision making on to much details and information but just hangs on impressions that first meet the eye. It is these peripheral impressions that the supervisor saw as he skimmed through the book.

Some of the things that lead people to make decisions on matters that are very critical are irrelevant and reasons very flimsy and peripheral. That is the power of heuristics.

The Determinant Factors That Have Bearing on Message Evaluation

The first factor to consider is the motivation that drives on to want to scrutinize the message. Motivation can either be high or low. When it is high, it pushes one to analyze the message by means of the systemic processing described earlier. If the motivation of your target is low, they will analyze the message that you are presenting to them casually by allowing heuristics to swing into play. However, it goes deeper than just making these relations and inferences easily as we have.

The question is on what determines the level of motivation to lead to one analyzing either systematically or by the influence of heuristics. Here, the implication of your message is very vital or its significance in the set up of things. If your target perceives your message as an important one, the motivation correspondingly grows. Conversely,

the motivation also drops as the target perceives the message being presented to him as insignificant.

An example in point is with regard to reading a book or purchasing it. Generally, people do not think that simply buying a book could guarantee that one will excel at what the book addresses. The evaluation is therefore quite basic, is based on irrelevancies as opposed to the core aspect of the content and perceive the outcome of reading the book. Such irrelevancies include the popularity of the author and the fact that they just want to have read one of his works or they go to the ratings and find the book to have a certain rating and decided whether to purchase or not to purchase. The importance of the book for them is really immaterial as it does not guarantee any desirable outcomes.

The second factor is the question of ability. The evaluation also relies on the targets of evaluative ability or competence. It is right to claim that the same information does not strike the different people the same way. The evaluation ability is pegged on the intellect and opportunity bearings.

With the intellectual ability, that does not connote intelligence per se. If I am a doctor and I am attending a workshop and the facilitator is talking about electromagnetic quantum,

I will be absolutely lost. This does not have any relationship with my intelligence as for someone to consider me stupid.

I just do not have any knowledge of this area that can enable me to make sense of this information. The direct that that will determine my decision on this topic are heuristics as I have no systematic processing ability. The peripheral impressions will determine whether I pay attention or simply walk away for the duration of this presentation. The impressions are the way the facilitator of the topic is conveying the topic, his eloquence and how he can simplify the topic to make to those of us who are outsiders on the subject. Is there any other way for me to assess the message apart from what I have the ability to do. My intellectual capacity with respect to this subject is way below the threshold to evaluate the communication which limits me to heuristics.

The second one is the aspect of the opportunity of evaluation that is impacted upon by the external constraints that inhibit evaluation. Constraints could be in the form of distractions that are making the target fail to have time to focus on the message and take it to systematic level of processing. This could also be a preoccupation that comes in to be the constraint to evaluation such as if the target is disturbed by family issues or is innately fixated on other concerns as not to be afforded the opportunity to concentrate on your message.

Due to the lack of opportunity, the target has to resort to basing his evaluation on peripheral cues in order to hastily make a decision and move on. Such peripheral cues will be how charming you are coming across and appeal to your likeability. That is why in the first report, the supervisor was quite hasty and could have had other engagements that required his attention. He could not have the opportunity to scrutinize the report and hence just did a perusal to be struck by the impressions of it. Because you had done a thorough work, it just looked good and he liked it without necessarily bothering about the contents of it.

To use the peripheral impressions was the way to aid his efforts to be done assessing the report over with and focus on the other concerns that were denying him the evaluation opportunity.

Then the second time around, he had no divided attention and hence had an ample assessment opportunity to process at the systematic level.

How to Appropriate this in Persuasion

Having explained that motivation is subject to the target’s intellectual capacity as well as the opportunity.

These two determine the way evaluation happens at either the system or the heuristic level. To persuade, there are two approaches that you can strategically apply to gain compliance from your target.

The first one is to ensure that you can get your target to change their motivation to create a way for the processing level that you desire. You can do this in order to make the target process you message more deeply when they appear to be taking it casually. If your message has power in the reasons as opposed to the impression, you are working to ensure you motivate them to focus on the details of it and trigger systematic processing. If the reasons for the message are quite flimsy and do possess the persuasive power in them, you are going to relegate the motivation in order to ensure that heuristic motivation swings into play.

To trigger the target’s ability to process at the systematic level, there are various strategies. First is to make them pay attention to you. It should be your first effort to ensure that you can make them concentrate on you and for you to guide them to what they have to focus on as they process the information. You could this by asking them if they will not mind if you offered them some caffeine. This is in order for them to slow down and increase the opportunity for higher-level processing. That is not the only work of this offer; it has also been found that caffeine helps to catalyze the ability to process information at a deeper level. It creates more reception towards detail and this increases 1one’s ability to be considerate with the reasons or arguments being presented.

You could also step up on the appeal of the message. This is what is referred to message aesthetics that if often used to make you concentrate n something that you otherwise could have ignored. You should consider researching this aspect as it would help you in your effort to make your target focus on the underlying details of the message.

Just create some clamor and pomp about your message so that it excites your target and in effect, they can be drawn into the deeper arguments and reasons for the impressive message.

There is a technique that is referred to as pique that is also instrumental in your attempt to draw the attention of your target. This is by avoiding putting across your request or message in the obvious direct way. Find a way to disguise if you feel that being bare and direct will only lead to mindless dismissal by your target. Work on a strategy to code your request and bring it out in order to get navigate past your targets automatic repulsion towards the request.

Enhance Personal Relevance

This augments the strategy of grabbing attention by coming across as addressing the specific situation of your target. Do not appear to be coming from mars when you know your target is from Pluto. Relate the message and the reasoning behind it to the situation of your target in order for the target to resonate with it better.

Our propensity to consider information that reflects our circumstances are quite high and that has already been presented in earlier chapters. You are appealing to the target to perceive the message as one that has a bearing on their life, or career or personality. They should come to think that this request gravitates around their life and hence the importance of the message will be higher.

One way this has been executed is through being clear about the repercussions or impact that the message will have. That is why advertisements that seek to mobilize people towards road safety depict victims who have been amputated, showing a casket of a victim being wheeled to the grave etcetera. The same applies to the commercials that are targeting to spread antismoking sentiments.

They show cancer victims and how frail they have become and draw on that to make the message relate to people by clearly showing that it is consequential and worth spending type to process.

Also adopting the “you” pronoun which is a second person address can be alerting and highly persuasive.

It reawakens and makes a person feel they are being gotten at. This has also been applied on TV commercials in addressing various issues such as responsible sex behaviors and makes everyone simply feel that it is personal and it is about them.

It is infecting and invites one to embrace the message as being about them rather than anyone else.

Another way is to create a story as opposed to simply telling a direct message. A story makes the message acquire life and seem truer to life than far-fetched. It is also a strategy that has been applied in marketing and commercials where the message is simple but it is delivered as a story. They even assemble a few characters that drive the story. It could simply be about a data bundle offer but the show how that bundle can really come in handy in life by creating a story that simply makes the advertisement something that can be lived and experienced. Stories can draw empathy and it usually has the effect of the message being memorable and could keep agonizing them into compliance.

Triggering Processing at the Heuristic Level

This, as stated earlier comes to save the situation when the details that support the message do not have as much power. One thing about heuristic processing is that it is usually the most natural and ready level of evaluation of the message. If it can be described as an electronic device, heuristic processing can be regarded as the factory setting. Systematic processing comes with learning and acquisition of certain capacities that are both intellectual and experiential.

However, if you do not put in effort in making your target focus on details and directing them to the argument behind a message, he naturally processes it at the heuristic level.

However, some people have come to be strongly influenced by their learning and intellectual capacity that they will almost directly evaluate information systematically. Yet you feel that the persuasive credentials of your information will not pass the systematic evaluation test.

So, you have to relegate the processing to this basic heuristic evaluation level. Strategies for this are explained below;

Make the Message More Complex

When we are persuading, it is usually encouraged that the message to your target comes out in the clearest manner possible. Yet this may not always be an advantage and a lot of times, being a bit vague may have better rewards. It is no wonder that you have heard some advertisements sound too vague in the messaging. The voice could be too husky to be clearly heard or the accompanying written words are not easy to read. This is usually in the interest of creating the complexity dimension of the product. An example of a product that has been advertised using this style is gourmet cheese.

The reason behind this is found in what this chapter has been explaining; the fluency of processing. Usually, of course,

it was explained in the same vein as the people who were required to list their events of assertiveness. They associate the ease of remembering or difficulty to their level of assertiveness. This is irrelevant but true.

In this case, the product that is advertised with a complexity edge makes the consumers perceive them as being unique or classy. This is another case of misattribution that only makes the product to gain more appeal. Complexity also relates to the aspect of motivation and intellectual capacity. As one feels that they do not have the ability to process the information because it is strange to them, it is sent to the heuristic level for processing.

You Also Try To Lighten up The Target’s Mood

This is related to the fact that a person who is jovial and is charmed does not have the ability to critically scrutinize information. Some form of euphoria builds up in them and the excitement blurs the visibility of details. When happy, one develops the state termed as optimistic naivety. They become more attracted and misrelate their mood with the goodness of the message. This is as opposed to a somber mood that raises one’s level of sensitivity and their ability to doubt. In such a mood, there is an assumption in the person that something about the message is dishonest and hence will resist it. Generally,

a person who has a neutral mood needs you to come out with very persuasive reasons in order to sway them into compliance. However, when someone is happy, they can follow any arguments whether the argument comes out as strong or as weak.

So, you should strive to come out and excite your target to make them have a jovial mood in order for them to lower their resistance and be simple-minded in how they take in your message.

Tweak Your Message

In the foregoing section, the role of motivation and ability were assessed as having a bearing on how you can influence someone into compliance. However, there are events when the person you are dealing with is a fixed one and whose evaluation you cannot alter. This does not mean that your options are done and that you have to give up on your attempt to persuade the person. What you have to do is be perceptive to know how your target will process the message. Whether they will use the heuristic processing level to evaluate your message or they will apply the systematic level to process.

To do this, you will need to judge the motivation they have to understand the message and the details underlying it. You are also supposed to assess the ability in terms of how well they can comprehend the message and their conversance with it.

This way, you can steer your communication to suit their ability and be appropriate with their level of motivation.

The psychological mechanics of these have already been elaborated in the previous sections and hence the focus is on how to execute persuasion in light of this understanding.

The Persuasion Approach

The approach is just the very title of this section. You have to come out and tweak your message. Because you know that the target has the ability and motivation to perform systematic processing, you know that you have to tighten the bolts in the details and basis for your message. On the other hand, if you know that the ability and motivation of the target do not enable them much understanding, you have to steer your message to have impressive peripheral cues. The exact ways to achieve these are quite a variety.

You can twist your message in order for it to suit the target’s systematic processing. This is by making the message be founded on strong premises and convincing information that is reasonable. You ensure that you are on point and make sense to him. You also come out as someone who is confident and appeal less to emotions.

Have the facts, the figures and peer right into the core of the message to ensure you are logical. In a situation where you feel the message cannot be strengthened on its basis or premises, you can apply the de-motivation strategy of the above section. This is by avoiding catching their attentions and appearing quite vague which will scatter their thoughts in a way, and hence inhibit the systemic processing ability of your target.

You can also simply come out to create an illusion of strength in the argument elements of your argument. The premises are not strong in reality; however, you make your target to perceive them as being a string. This can also be very effective if you know how to approach it.

You can come out with an argument that has two sides to it. This could be some very positive information about the idea in your message that you couple with the downside of it. The negative message can really aide the way you present yourself in this respect and also show that you are genuine. To only offer the lustrous side of the idea makes the person think you are biased or you have concealed part of the information. So integral some negative elements to show the idea is well researched in all its elements.

The other option is to also ensure that arguments are structured properly. This is by ensuring that you know what information has greater influence and what information has lesser. So you know the information that comes first as that has the greatest impression. This will work well as it will trigger the concept of conceptual fluency.

When you are striking at the start, you are memorable and it elicits consistent attitudes that you are quite convincing to them. Even as you get to the middle which has to have most of the details that may not be of consequence, you already got the target to know to gain a favorable perception towards you and your message.

As you draw towards the end, you also ensure that you come out powerful. This is because it is at that point that you are coming out compulsive to confirm the favorable perception he has about you and also to create some element of urgency in your target to make their mind and decide in your favor. Just be strategic with information and ensure that you can adjust your presentation along with your target's reaction along the course of the presentation.

Chapter 6: Drive their momentum

How to Persuade Other People and Use Persuasion to Offer Incentives

Each and every person wants to be successful in life. However, when it comes to success, one can never walk alone. You must be able to work with other people and to a large extent, persuade other people to work with you. Essentially, in order to be successful in life, you must know how to persuade others to do what you want despite any limitations that you may be having.

The power of persuasion can be instrumental in enabling you to secure direct assistance in undertaking a certain activity that is designed to advance your goals and objectives in life. You, therefore, be in a better position to complete the task and complete more tasks Furthermore, being able to convince others to do things for you will enable you to complete more tasks and attain greater success. The power of persuasion is also very important when it comes to your ability to convince other people to see things from your point of view. For instance, you might be in a situation where you and your colleagues need to take a vote on a certain issue affecting the company. Your power of persuasion will enable you to convince them to side with you in the voting thus ensuring that you are able to get what you want in terms of the policies and practices that your company seek to put in place.

This chapter will discuss various ways through which you can persuade others to do what you want in a bid to help you attain your goals and objectives.

Proper Explanation

The proper explanation is indeed very important when you are trying to persuade others. Proper explanation simply entails clearly letting other people know what it is that you want to do and why you want to do it? It is therefore important to ensure that you are in a position to take your time and explain clearly to others the reason you are selecting a specific course of action. The overall objective is to enable other people to see things from your perspective.

While explaining your intended course of action, you must also allow others to ask questions whenever they do not seem to understand something. Such questions will enhance their understanding of the same and make it easy for them to undertake the activity or action suggested by you. You should also allow critique in case the situation calls for the same.

Positive criticism allows other people to raise whatever concerns that they may be having regarding an issue as well as according to you an opportunity to address such concerns.

People will have a greater incentive to be swayed by your suggestion once they have been assured that indeed their issues have been addressed.

Explain Benefit to Others

One of the most important points to remember when working with people is that they will always be interested in finding out what is in it for them. This is basic human behavior since no one wants to engage in an activity that will not translate to any direct benefits on their part. For this reason, you can use persuasion as a way of highlighting the incentives that others will accrue if they choose to go with your suggestion. Precisely, you should clearly outline and explain such benefits to them. This will end up convincing them that by doing what you want them to do, they will end up reaping the benefits.

Furthermore, it is important to note that no one really likes a person who comes out as self-centered. This is a person who always seems to care about what they want but at the same time, pays very little attention to the needs of others. In light of this fact, you must strive to at least appear as you care about the person you are looking for help from. When you go out of your to explain that you are not simply doing this for yourself but for others as well,

then they are more likely to embrace you as a person and assist you in whatever area that you area where you may need their assistance.

Offer an Actual Gift

At times, you may need assistance in an activity that will only benefit yourself. This is expected in ordinary human engagement since people have different needs. Personal favors are very important in life since they enable you to get what you want and when you want it.

Despite the fact that personal favors will only benefit you as an individual, you should never shy from going out of your way and asking for the same. However, when it comes to such favors the ideal approach is to offer a direct gift that can act as a token of your appreciation.

This should not be something big but rather a small gift that is meant to show the other person that you appreciate their willingness to go out of their way in order to assist you. Similarly, you can simply indicate that by doing you a favor, you will, in turn, owe them a personal favor should they need one. This is due to the fact that some people might not really need a gift but simply the assurance that should ever need your assistance, then you will be more than willing to assist them.

Ask in Person

It is always a good idea to personally ask for help or favor when you are trying to persuade. The power of persuasion is significantly enhanced if you are in a position to look into the eyes of the person you are asking for assistance from and convince them to offer you the much-needed help. Furthermore, people will be able to feel like you appreciate them when you are in a position to ask for a favor from them personally. A personal one on one meeting is, therefore, a good persuasion incentive that will increase your chances of convincing other people to assist you or even to see things from your perspective.

Use Persuasive Words

Words are often said to have a strong influence on both yourself and those around you. This is because; words can invoke emotions and feelings that can have the ‘make or break’ effect. When used wisely, words can have a positive impact on your life but when used negatively; their impact will be equally negative.

In persuading others, words can also be used to provide an incentive for other people to help you. It is therefore very important to ensure that you are able to use words like ‘please’, ‘kindly’ ‘may I’ and other such words that will make you sound polite as you try to persuade other people to follow a certain course of action.

People are more likely to respond positively if they are asked to do something in a polite manner as opposed to when they are made to feel like they are obliged to do the same.

The use of persuasive words also impacts human psychology since in many cases, people would respond positively to vulnerability. When you persuasive words, you come across as vulnerable and this is important in ensuring that you have the desired effect on the psychology of the people that you are trying to persuade.

Representation of psychological influence

Limitations of Persuasion and How to Overcome Them

Divergent Views

There are various limitations that might undermine your capacity to persuade other people. Such limitations refer to conditions or scenarios that have the potential to undermine your ability to persuade others. First and foremost, your power of persuasion can be limited by the fact that the people you are talking to may have a totally different perspective on the issue that you are trying to put across. Even though their perspective might not really hold water, they have their reasons for holding onto their respective positions.

When you are presented with divergent opinions regarding an issue you are passionate about, you are likely to abandon your position and go with the opinion of others.

However, this should not be the approach you take since by doing so; you will not be able to achieve anything meaningful. Instead, you must hold onto your position and look for ways to convince others to see things your way.

One of the best approaches to overcome divergent opinions as a persuasive limitation is to actually give room to accommodate such opinions. This simply means that you should allow others to share their thoughts and opinions on the issue at hand in a comprehensive manner.

When you allow other people to ventilate any issues that they might be having, they will be more likely to identify pitfalls and other potential issues with their own perspectives and this will make it easier for them to be open to the idea of embracing your perspective.

Many people usually hold onto their perspective because they have not been presented with an alternative rationale to the issue. However, if you are able to make a case for your rationale and clearly explain the advantages that will accrue to the other person, then you stand a better chance to successfully persuade them.

Cultural Differences

Culture refers to the general way of life associated with a community or a group of people. People identify with different cultures based on their geographical locations, religious beliefs, and even political ideologies. When it comes to culture it is important to remember that there are those people who are highly sensitive to issues that touch on their culture while others might not be as sensitive.

Cultural differences can also limit your ability to persuade other people. Many people are likely to hold onto their positions on account of their cultural concerns. For this reason, some people might disagree with your perspective because it goes against their cultural norms and beliefs.

In case you find yourself in such a position, the best approach to use would be to try and address such cultural concerns in the best way possible. Ideally, you should and come up with a perspective that does not fundamentally alter your original stance on the issue but one that nonetheless takes into consideration the cultural concerns that the other person could be having.

This approach will significantly increase your chances of persuading others to agree with your position and offer you the much-needed assistance.

Social Prejudice

Prejudice is something that can also limit your persuasive potential. Prejudice simply means a set of beliefs held by different people regarding other people. For instance, they are those people who might believe that women might not be very good at undertaking certain tasks as compared to men. Prejudice is most often than n not inaccurate and they have the effect of undermining the potential of those people who happen to be misjudged.

Prejudice is something that can significantly interfere with your ability to persuade other people. This is especially the case when the person you are trying to persuade has some misconceptions about you.

Such misconceptions will affect the way they think about you and your ability to meet your obligations under the proposal that you are putting across. For instance, you may have a proposal regarding a great business idea and you are trying to convince your friend to partner with you in establishing the startup. However, your friend might be hesitant to come on board on account of a previous venture that you tried your hand but did manage to get it off the ground. Due to your previous failure, your friend might, therefore, believe that you do not have what it takes to start and successfully run a business.

In case you come across prejudicial bias that can undermine your ability to persuade others, the best approach would be to try and win over the other person despite their previous beliefs and assertions. For instance, you might illustrate evidence that is contrary to their beliefs. In this case, you can highlight to your friend some of the successes that you have had but they might not be aware of. If you are to do this, then the person might be inclined to overcome their bias and give into your suggestions.

Lack of Credibility

Credibility refers to an inherent quality to be trustworthy. A person is regarded as a credible individual or source if other people around them find it easy to trust them. On the other hand, if people find it difficult to trust you, they have low credibility. Credibility is something that has the potential to affect your ability to persuade other people. If you high credibility, you will find it easy to persuade others to agree with you. On the other hand, if your credibility is low, your ability to persuade others will be equally low. It, therefore, follows that low credibility undermines your persuasive potential and that it is important to enhance your overall credibility in order to overcome this limitation.

One of the ways through which you can improve your credibility is by having reliable references. These are simply people who have interacted with you in the past and can thus vouch for your ability to deliver on a certain aspect. For instance, you might be trying to persuade a potential employer to hire you to fill a certain vacancy in their organization.  In order to ensure that you are able to effectively persuade them to bring you on board, you can quote previous employers that have worked with and whose experience has indeed been positive. Once such information has been verified, you will be able to improve your overall credibility and make it easy for the potential employer to seriously consider you for the position.

Put Yourself in the Shoes of Others

The Great philosopher Aristotle once said that ‘It is not possible to educate the mind without first educating your soul’. This simply implies that it might not be very easy for you to persuade other people if you cannot at the very least, take into account the issues that they are trying to raise. A lot of people who happen to fail in their persuasive initiatives can attribute such failure to their inability to put themselves in the shoes of those they are trying to convince. Many people are inherently self-centered in their overall approach to life. This implies that such people only seem to put their interests first and totally forget to pay attention to the interest of other people.

Putting yourself in the shoes of other people implies that you should try and see things from their perspective. It is very easy for you to focus a lot more on what you need and totally forget what the other people need as well. This is a fundamental mistake that most people make and it significantly undermines their ability to persuade others.

If you really want to persuade someone else to come on board and embrace your idea, you should at least be able to make it known to them that you appreciate their divergent views on the issue. In fact, you should be willing to adequately analyze their perspective and point the positive and negative aspects regarding the same. If possible, you should be willing to go a step further and integrate any identified positives into your own idea. This will ensure that whatever proposal you finally end up with is on that is inclusive and likely to benefit all parties involved.

Image Matters

It is often said that people should not judge others by the first impression that they have of them. First impressions can be very deceptive when working with others since they might result in you totally misjudging the other person. However, when it comes to your ability to persuade others, your first impression can serve to either limit or enhance your persuasive potential.

Imagine a scenario where you want to present a business proposal for a bunch of senior executives. You take your time and prepare a very nice proposal but on a material day, you show up in the presentation room wearing a rugged t-shirt and a pair of faded jeans. In a second, scenario, you prepare an equally good proposal but this time around, you show for the presentation dressed in a tailor-made business suit with the shoes to match the attire. In which occasion are you likely to be successful in persuading the executives to adopt and fund your proposal?

The obvious answer to the question above is the second scenario. The example above illustrates the fact that indeed the image and impression of yourself that you put out there does indeed go a long way in improving your ability to convince other people. Ideally, you should try to create an image that resonates with the message that you are trying to pass across.

In this example, you are trying to convince a group of executives that you have the potential to make it in the corporate world. You need both a good idea in the form of a business proposal and also an image that resonates with this idea. If you are able to get this combination right, then you will find it much easier to convince others to come on board and buy into your idea.

Be Careful on How You Handle Objections and Hostilities

As you try to persuade other people, you will often come across objections from various sources. Some people might be objecting your views simply because they do not believe that what you have put across constitutes the best course of action. Similarly, other people might object to your suggestion because it fails to address their specific interests on the matter.

Whatever the rationale behind the objection, you must ensure that you are able to handle the same in the most appropriate fashion.

First and foremost, you should never be hostile to another person simply because they seem to be objecting your idea. Always try to appear accommodative during the negotiation process and do not sound rude even if the person is behaving rudely towards you. Try and calm them down and assure them that indeed their concerns have been noted and will be looked into.

Do not be Vague

When it comes to your powers of persuasion, it is important to ensure that you are able to avoid vagueness. Being vague in this context implies that you are not specific in terms of the person or group of people you are addressing your message to. For instance, you might be facing a dire situation and in need of assistance from others. In case you are faced with such a scenario, the best approach to use would be to try and persuade a specific person to assist you or even extend the same message to a specific group of people.

Many people make the common mistake of being vague in their persuasion initiative.

Vagueness acts as a persuasive limitation since it results in a situation in which no single person feels obligated to respond to you. However, if you channel your message to a specific individual or even group of people for that matter, then you will find it much easier to convince them and persuade them to come out and assist you.

Furthermore, it is important to note that people are more likely to respond positively if they are directly engaged.  When you are able to direct your persuasive message to a single person or even a specific group of people, then there are more likely to be swayed by your message. For instance, social media has become one of the most ideal platforms for communicating and persuading other people. However social media is typically designed to be an open platform where many people can connect with one another. However, in order for you to use this platform effectively for persuasion, you should opt for one-on-one communication such as the use of inbox messaging in Facebook or Direct Messaging in the case of Twitter. If you are able to go for such options, then you will find it much easier to connect with others and persuade them through social media platforms to offer you the much-needed assistance.

All in all, your power of persuasion can determine your capacity to influence the actions of other people. If you are good at persuading people, then you will most likely be successful in making them work towards the realization of your dreams in life. However, the art of persuasion might not be as easy as you may think. You have to learn and understand some of the ways through which you can persuade other people despite your personal limitation. Some of the ways of persuading others discussed here include clearly explain what you want, explain how your suggestion will benefit the other person, asking for favors in person, using persuasive language when asking for a favor and asking a specific person to assist you as opposed to a group of people. If you are able to master all these methods of persuasion, then you will find it easy to convince other people to do things for you and with you. In the end, your overall success potential will be determined by your persuasive ability.

Chapter 7: How to Sustain Persuasive Compliance

It is very important to be able to successfully persuade others. This is because; your powers of persuasion will ensure that other people are convinced to work towards the attainment of your goals and objectives. However, it might not mean a lot if the people you have managed to persuade only to comply with your wishes for a short time. The overall goal should be to ensure that those who have complied with your persuasion are able to maintain compliance. Maintenance of compliance is very important when it comes to persuasion since it ensures that your power to influence the thinking of others is sustained over time. You will, therefore, be in a better position to reap all the benefits associated with the compliance for a much longer time.

For instance, you might be involved in undertaking a long term project that might probably last for several months. Initially, you will have to convince other people to come on board as employees, managers, and even supervisors. The approach and overall effectiveness of your persuasive capability will enable you to attract people to come and work on the project. However, since the project is a long-term undertaking, you must know how to go about ensuring that the people you have brought on board are kept in a state of compliance.

Sustained compliance is particularly crucial when it comes to sensitive activities such as projects since if the other people abandon you, your project will fail to take off.

Political Compliance

Another scenario is where it is good to keep people in a state of compliance is on the political scene. Politics usually determine the nature of society. This is because; it is the politicians who formulate policies and legislation that inform on the nature of society. First and foremost, a political candidate usually sales their ideas to the public and once the public has been persuaded by the politician, and then they are likely to vote for them. However, it is possible for the electorate to change their minds at any point in time.

The electorate might realize that the policies that have been put in place by the political class do not have positive impacts on their day to day lives. In such a scenario, the previous persuasive initiatives undertaken by the politician might end up being futile especially if the masses decide to revolt and engage in civil disobedience.

One good example that illustrates the failure to maintain persuasive compliance on the political scene in Hong Kong. Initially, the country’s leaders had managed to persuade the citizenry to accept the One-State Two Systems solutions. In this arrangement, both Hong Kong and China have agreed to operate as a single country.

However, despite their unity, the two countries have two separate governments and they have also adopted different ways of organizing their respective societies. However, the persuasive power of the political elite was undermined when the people decided to change their stance on the system and demand for an increase in democratic space in the country. 

Remind them of the Benefits

In light of the importance associated with the maintenance of persuasive compliance, you must equip yourself with the skills needed to maintain the state if compliance on the part of the people who have been swayed by the power of your persuasion. One of the most important things that you should do in order to maintain compliance is to keep reminding others about the benefits that they have realized and still stand to realize by complying. Human beings have a relatively short memory. This could be out of convenience or something else but people easily tend to overlook the positives in their lives and focus on the negatives.

As a means of maintaining persuasive compliance, you should arm yourself with detailed information regarding the benefits that the other person has accrued by complying. For instance, you might have managed to persuade the CEO of a medium-sized NGO to hire you as a finance manager for a certain period of time. In case you notice that the CEO is starting to have second thoughts about their decision, you can point out the fact that since you came on board, you have been able to steer the company towards tripling its profitability.

Furthermore, you can also highlight sound financial and operational policies such as better expenditure monitoring system and Just in Time Inventory management system that you have put in place and that have facilitated the success of the company.

If you are able to remind other people of the vital role that you have played in their lives, then they are more likely to maintain compliance.

However, it is very important to ensure that you do not give in to the temptation to lie about your achievements. This is because the other person is likely to find out the truth eventually and this might negate their compliance.

Focus on the Potential Positive Impacts of Compliance

Sometimes, you might manage to successfully persuade other people to do something on account of the promises that you made to them. However, once they have complied for a short while, they might start having doubts regarding their state of compliance as they might not realize some of these benefits after a short period of compliance.

The aforementioned scenario is especially notable when it comes to the implementation of long-term projects such as the construction of housing estates. Such projects usually entail significant input from those wishing to invest in them but at the same time, it might take a little bit much longer for the said investors to start realizing their benefits. Because of the duration of time involved in the realization of the benefits associated with the project, some people might start questioning their decision to invest in the same occasioned by your persuasion. Some of them might start thinking that the project might perhaps fail to live up their expectations and because of this, they might even threaten to pull out of the deal.

Maintaining compliance at times entails convincing the people who have been swayed by your persuasion to focus on the long-term outlook as opposed to having a short-term outlook of the deal. As the person doing the persuasion, you owe it to yourself to go out of your way to highlight crucial benefits that the other people will accrue in the long-run. For instance, in the aforementioned example of the housing project, you can explain to them that in less than five years time, they will get to own a home and realize all the benefits that come with homeownership.

Furthermore, you can also point out the fact that their individual investments will likely to triple in terms of their valuation and that they should even realize much more money and profits if they ‘are able to wait a little longer and sell off their investments as complete housing units rather than cashing out at an early stage.

Ultimately, when you are able to focus the attention of those swayed by your persuasion on the long-term outlook of their decision, they are likely to develop the patience needed and maintain the much-needed state of compliance. Otherwise, if you fail to do this, then you might end up losing the compliance as the people start questioning the decision that they made earlier on.

Attend to any Issues that might arise during Compliance

Before securing the compliance of other people, you must first and foremost convince them that any issue that they might be having regarding your suggestion are adequately addressed. For instance, you can assure a potential employer that you are indeed equipped with the necessary experience to get the job done. This will enhance the confidence that they have r in you and make it significantly easier for them to be persuaded by you.

However, it is important to note that issues will not just stop at the point where you are trying to persuade others. People who have been swayed by your persuasion are likely to experience issues, questions, and reservations regarding their decision even long after they have been successfully persuaded.

For instance, your boss might start to question your ability to perform certain tasks notwithstanding the fact that you might have demonstrated earlier your ability to do the same. In case you are faced with such a scenario, you should talk to them and wrap your head around the concern that he might be having. After having a better understanding of the issue or concern, you should be able to come up with an explanation for the same and allay any fears, reservations, and issues that they may be having.

Remember to be completely honest in your explanation and not offer false promises or unrealistic expectations. For example, you can explain to your boss, that lately you have been experiencing challenges in your personal life that have undermined your capacity to deliver at the workplace. You should go ahead and assure them that the same will be sorted out and that in the future, you will perform as expected.

Furthermore, it is a natural human instinct to question other people from time to time. You should never take offense in such reaction but embrace the same.

Whenever you notice other people starting to question their decision to comply with your suggestion, then you must always respond naturally and in a polite manner so as not to complicate the matter much further.

Criticism can be a good thing

Sometimes, people might be swayed by your persuasion but this does not imply that they completely agree with everything that you say. For instance, you might convince others to agree with your political ideology but this does not mean that they agree with every policy that your political party has put in place.

This example is quite evident in the political spheres of many countries whereby people might be persuaded to vote for a certain political leader however, they do not agree with some of their proposals and policies.

It is always important to remember that just because somebody might have been persuaded by your suggestion, they still might hold onto their divergent opinions. The people might, therefore, end up complying but at the same time critiquing your suggestions in a bid to improve the same. You should therefore never give in to the temptation of having a negative opinion of such people just because; they are criticizing your position. Instead, you should take such criticism positively and use the information to actually improve on stance, position or proposal so that it becomes acceptable to a much wider audience.

If you are able to respond positively to criticism, people will be able to feel like you care about what they have to say and are willing to do more in order to improve the situation.

Such an approach is effective in sustaining compliance since people will feel like they can still have their say and influence your course of action without having to completely cut ties with you. A good example would in an organization where the employees do not end up resigning from their jobs because they have criticized the way you do things as the manager. Instead, once such criticism is taken into consideration, such employees will be willing to stay on board and keep working for you.

Use yourself an Example

It is always considered an effective strategy to use yourself as an example if you are trying to win over the hearts of others. Furthermore, your ability to maintain compliance can also befit significantly if you use the same approach on those people who have already been swayed by your persuasion. Naturally, people are likely to connect more to an idea if the idea is connected to a real-life full example. To this end, you should always be willing to use yourself as an example in order to convince other people to sustain their compliance.

The effectiveness of using yourself as an example can be more pronounced in the event that the people swayed by your persuasion start to have second thoughts regarding your suggestion. For instance,

you might have managed to convince others to adopt green energy solutions in their households and other aspects of their lives. The idea of green energy is definitely a good one but initially, it might present some challenges. Many people might decide to do away with your idea on account of these challenges but you can address this issue if you use yourself as an example of the potential benefits attributed to a greener lifestyle. For instance, you might want to point out the fact that green energy solutions will enable them to realize significant savings on their monthly expenditure.

Using yourself as an example offers a real-life insight into the benefits associated with your position. Furthermore, many people can easily identify with monetary benefits associated with a course of action and if you are in a position to highlight such benefits, then there will be more likely to comply.

Explain benefits to society

Sometimes, motivation to sustain compliance might not arise due to personal benefits; some people will simply be motivated by the knowledge that whatever it is that they are doing is going to have positive ramifications on the society. Knowledge regarding potential benefits to society is, therefore, a vital aspect when it comes to your ability to sustain compliance.

Precisely, you should be able to convince the people involved that they are actually changing the society around them by engaging in a certain activity.

Using the aforementioned example of Green Energy solutions, you might need to convince other people that by adopting green energy solutions, they will be making the world a much better place.  This is because some people might simply not be motivated solely by the idea of monetary benefits associated with the idea of greener energy but might need additional convincing on how this idea is impacting the society. In this scenario, it is advisable to have a much broader view of the issue and put across more holistic solutions to the issue. Precisely, you can highlight some of the issues associated with global warming that come about as a result of using conventional energy sources.

Offer Direct Benefits to entice others

Persuasion is perhaps part and parcel of everyday life. Many times, we engage in various forms of persuasive arrangements without even knowing. For instance, you might be employed in a company but have expressed to your employer that you do not intend to work for them for much longer. The employer then decides to increase your salary as a form of enticement to persuade you to stay.

Direct benefits within the context of persuasion refer to those benefits that people derive as a result of agreeing to do something for someone. For instance, your salary can be seen as a direct benefit that is offered to you by your employer. The employer does not really need to literally persuade you to stay, but by offering you a decent salary and one that is competitive in the market, then they have managed to persuade to stay without having to say a word.

When it comes to direct benefits, it is important to note that in order to maintain a state of compliance, then the other party must keep on accruing the benefits. For instance, you will be willing to wake up every morning and go to work as long as you know that you will get a salary at the end of the month. However, if this benefit is removed from the equation, then you may no longer be willing to go to work. Other forms of direct benefits such as intimacy in the case of two people in the relationship must also be maintained in order to sustain compliance.

Focus on the long-term goals

Long term goals and objectives refer to achievements that cannot be realized within a short period of time. For instance, a college student can set their long-term goal as being to establish a career in a certain area that is of interest to them. This is regarded to be a long term goal since it is something that takes time to achieve. Usually, long-term goals are those goals and objectives that cannot be realized in a period of fewer than five years.

One of the ways through which you can keep other people in a state of compliance after initially persuading them to take a certain course of action is to remind them of their long-term goals. For example, you might manage to persuade your friend to go back to college after an earlier decision to drop out. The friend might attend a couple of lectures but within a few months, they might start contemplating changing their mind. This is because; they are yet to see the importance of going back to college. However, if you are able to remind them of the long-term benefits of going back to college, then they are more likely to sustain compliance.

Remind them of the Long Term Ramifications of Non-Compliance

Long-term ramifications in this context refer to the negative eventualities that might befall someone if they decide not to comply with what you had earlier persuaded them to do. In the example above, the long-term benefits that your friend will accrue if they decide to go back to college might be a lucrative career. However, in the same scenario, the long-term ramifications that might befall your friend should they decide to opt-out of college are poverty and unemployment.

Focusing the attention of someone else on the long-term ramification can also be effective in ensuring that they are able to maintain a state of compliance. For example, if you are able to clearly explain to your friend the ramifications of dropping out of college, then they will be more likely to remain in college.

Importance of establishing positive associations with others to Sustain Compliance

The relationships that you are able to formulate with other people will determine your ability to sustain their compliance. When you are able to establish and maintain positive relationships with other people, they will be much more likely to respond to your persuasive messages and sustain their compliance with your suggested strategy.

It is an inherent human attribute for people to want to work with other people who they seem to enjoy good relationships with. This is because, when people have good relationships, then it is easy for them to go out of their way to accommodate one another notwithstanding the differences that they might be having on various issues.

Common Issues and Concerns

The nature of the associations that you make is very important when it comes to sustaining compliance. One of the things that you must observe while formulating associations is the need to have identifiable common issues that will underpin the nature of interactions you have with other people. If you are able to persuade people that are faced with issues similar to the ones that you are facing, then they are likely to comply and such compliance will indeed be sustainable. However, if you happen to surround yourself with people whose issues and concerns differ from those that you have, then it might be significantly difficult to sustain their compliance over a long period of time.

For instance, you might be concerned about the environment and are interested in teaming with others to find a lasting solution to environmental pollution. If you are to come up with a team comprising people who are equally concerned about the environment and persuade them to adopt your proposed solution, then the compliance rate will be much higher. On the contrary, if you manage to convince people who might not be very passionate about the issue, then you might not be able to realize your objective of maximizing long-term compliance.

Generally, if you are able to establish associations with likeminded individuals with respect to certain issues,

then you they will you will enhance your capacity to sway the thinking of other people. The goal should, therefore, be to try and identify the level of passion or concern that a person has regarding an issue during the persuasion phase. You can also adopt a much more effective way of identifying potential team members by undertaking a thorough background check during the persuasion process. This might include looking at their digital profile and identifying crucial information that reveals various issues that the person is passionate about.

In a nutshell, it is very important to know how to persuade other people but at the same time, you must also know how to keep them in a state of compliance.

There are many ways you can use in order to keep others in a state of compliance including explaining the benefits of compliance to them, offering them direct benefits, attending to any issues that they may be having and also explaining to them the ramifications of not complying. Furthermore, the favorable association of like-minded individuals can also contribute significantly to sustaining compliance.

Chapter 8: Putting It All Together

Humans and the various elements in their body that define who they are can be likened to a spider web. The mind, the body, the soul, emotions all of them relate to each other and are not isolated in their scheme of work. Just like a spider web, when you stick your hand on a string and try to direct it, the rest of the web also appears to come along. The mind also has the same kind of work. The emotions can really impact on the mind and direct it as it likes. Similarly, the mind can control the emotions and the physical. Even the physical can influence both the mind and emotions as the physical is what relates and senses the outside environment from where stimuli emerge. Also, it is the one that sends out stimuli from the inside of a person.

Through this book, we have learned the various ways that human can play with these strings to determine how they behave when different spells are cast upon them. We have walked through an interesting journey of understanding the psychology of the human mind. You are aware of the various forces that are constantly working around and inside you to compel you to do certain things and avoid other things. Having known this, I know that the other people out there are at a huge disadvantage on you if they think they are going to easily persuade you into doing anything.

You are now better focusing on the tricks that TV commercials are trying to use in order to get you to subscribe or buy a product. And so you know just how much susceptible you have been in not being able to know that you have been too fragile. A lot of times people have used you to attain their own ends and you may hardly have realized it up until now.

I want to imagine that it is feeling auspicious for you that you feel you could put some of these tricks into practical use. You feel you can be more persuasive and you will have your way on people now. However, as you realize, the steps are quite huge and perhaps having to enact them all in one event of persuasion may not be very practical for you. It will take a process of learning and rehearsal and you will fail sometimes.

However, you will be enjoying to have to find persuasion purely a psychological game and which you can just set a strategy, adjust your approach and reposition just like people do with other games.

This book has discussed various elements of persuasion in a structured manner. The elements regarding what you have to do in the process of trying to pass a message or request across. It started with molding the perception of your target. Here we saw that people have a subjective perception of reality. It showed how people can be deflected in order to see something in very different ways.

This means that we view reality through a medium or lenses that is called perception. The role of the persuader is therefore to determine the kind of lenses that someone uses in viewing reality. You are trying to ensure someone acquires your perception of the reality in order to decide in your favor or act in the way that you want. This was anchored on ensuring that you understand the mindset of your target and what makes them tick.

Under this, we analyzed the role of the schema, which is the original disposition, or view that a person holds towards phenomena or others. Usually, the schema leads to automatic preconceptions when a stimulus is presented which is why persuasion is needed to deal with the preconceptions and change the mindset.

The book moved on to look at elicitation of congruent attitudes. This was one of the most insightful chapters that showed how the body and the mind are intertwined. It showed how people can reach the minds of a person through the body. This could be so powerful as to lead to a change of a mindset, belief or attitude of the target. In this regard, it demonstrated how body language could be made as a tool for altering the mindset of others. We came to realize that certain body positions and nonverbal cues represented certain mental setups. The metal set up or attitude could either be positive or negative. As a result, it is the duty of the persuader to ensure that they can get their target to display body language that triggers favorable mental patterns in the minds. That will go a long way in occasioning agreeableness. The target will be more receptive to the message being sent and most probably be drawn to comply with the request.

There was the really scintillating aspect of cognitive dissonance that was showing how conflict could result from a mismatch between body language or behavior and mental attitudes. It explained this as a form of conflict that people aspire to resolve when they display an incongruent behavior from the attitude in the mind.

When one smiles on the face yet have some sad conceptions running in the mind, it creates the conflict and this conflict always triggers a resolution effort. Most often, the resolution is through the adoption of a favorable mental set up. This was explained for the persuader to learn how to get the target to display the kind of physical gestures that relate with the desired mental patterns and this will create this effect and occasion the desired mental outcome. This was born on the psychological notion of embodied cognition.

The point here is not to manipulate by being deceitful. It is not to rip-off or to simply be malicious. Manipulation is to just ensure that you can draw out in the person their ability to view things in another way. This is through cognitive appeal and playing a psychological mental game.

The other section covered was on creating social pressure. This was an aspect that had a correlation with how people are apt to favorable take up a belief or attitude that people in the same group that they belong also take. This was particularly powerful since we do not live in isolation. People relate and once they do, they build trust that determines how much they can be receptive towards the person. Generally, a person that works in the bank is more receptive to what other bankers are doing. That is the reason why with time, it comes to happen that people of a certain group appear to display similar perceptive and behavioral attributes. These attributes relate to what they eat, how they view aspects to do with dressing or even the area that they reside. It means that this can be exploited as an avenue of persuasion. If you are looking to influence someone from a different group than your own, it is more likely that you will meet resistance.

We have found that sometimes we try to persuade someone and they keep referring to what they are that you are not. They are excluding you from their group. If someone, for example, keeps saying “I am a Harvard alumnus”. It means that they have some kind of resistance towards you because you are an outsider.

The psychological mechanics of this have been explained greatly in the book and this can be useful in evaluating the reasons why we may not successful persuade people who are not from the same quarters as us. It, however, gives the way to belong with them in their group and trigger the social pressure psychological aspect.

Of distinct importance is the mechanic of having to appeal to social norms. This relates to influencing people by showing that the desired attitude is what people are greatly holding. This means that if one is not following the same they feel isolated that the chapter explained as social rejection. It will have a painful sensation as physical pain to experience the social rejection and the way to overcome it and attain a state of bliss is to adjust and adopt an attitude that flows in the same direction as the majority behavior.

This chapter helped to show that persuasion, therefore, is not just saying anything without understanding the psychology of people. It is not just enough to stand up and say people should keep the environment clean. There is a failure in our persuasion that explains why we do not succeed in reversing trends of deviance in society. We do not fashion the message to impact on the psychological workings of people. Or that we point the norm towards the behavior that is not desired. This ends up encouraging the trends of deviance and hence this book has shown that eloquent speech and mere emotional appeals or facts and figures that do not target to trigger mental persuasion is doomed to be ineffective.

There was the aspect of habituation of the message. This was in light of the fact that some people are just intolerant to change. They do not want to see things from a different perspective as theirs. It does not have to be about perspective; it may also be resistance to change by a person. To survive in this setting requires you to be persuasive. If you know that someone cannot just tolerate a certain idea or message this book has shown the way to go around that with the notion of message habituation.

This is introducing the new information when it is disguised rather than when it is bare. You disguise it through ensuring that you know how to make the person remain unsuspecting about what you are saying or introducing. You let everything come out usual and familiar. This is what has been used a lot in striking memoranda of associations and agreements among parties.

One party may insert a clause that appears inconsequential and which you do not even pay attention to. Then a situation happens in the future and that clause turns things in their favor.

Most often, one appears to be giving a concession and agreeing to things that you say. However, they quite mildly are angling for a way to make you accept their idea without sounding an alarm in your mind. This, as we learned, is the closest that persuasion can come to manipulation.

However, persuasion should not end up disorienting the other party as that will be malicious. And habituation just tries to navigate around the resistance that a target holds that makes things static. You therefore subtly nibble their resistance and pave a window through to their core. However, you do not change their perception; you only make them come to accommodate yours without their knowledge. 

The book also covered the concept of repetition as a way to attain familiarity. The psychology behind it was explained to show that the processing of strange stimuli can become agreeable with increased exposure to stimuli. This explains the need to also show some persistence in our efforts to persuade others. Initial rejection and repulsion are not bound to condemn us to that fate. In fact, the situation can just turn around once someone becomes accustomed to you and your ways.

This applies to a lot of life circumstances. This includes even the dating circles. Sometimes you may not draw immediate attraction in someone on the first few encounters. But by means of the psychology of repetitive exposure, you know that attitudes could be transformed to be more favorable and slowly attraction starts to develop. Strategies of persuasion to ensure repetitive exposure is executed are outlined and they can be instrumental in bringing back life in a lot of the petitions that people make towards their targets to no avail.

The book has used a lot of experiments that have been used by a lot of psychologists to test the principles in the book. This shows the validity and reliability of the strategies presented.

The experimental approach is quite reliable and valid as an even later reenactment of the procedure could confirm that indeed the outcomes presented are true. Besides that, there is a lot of literature from current practice in popular culture. This is can be seen in how persuasion is appropriated in marketing and TV commercials to make the content of the book quite easy to identify with. In any case, it is about the mental activities happening in our minds.

Of course, everything can note did without mentioning the role of systematic desensitization that helps to make someone be more receptive towards stimuli that they hold a phobia towards. This can be a message too that can be the uncomfortable stimuli and it can be effected to make someone be able to stand the very thing that triggered negative abnormal reactions. How that works should have come out quite interesting, as you realize that perception can be rehabilitated.

Then it came to message optimization as a very vital step to the presentation of one’s message for persuasion. This helped to learn how to structure the message in order to facilitate the target’s processing. You want to be sure that certain elements of your message or idea are what hold the persuasive power and hence you have to know how best to pass it across.

The same applies to aspects of your message that you deeply wield less persuasive power and hence you try to know how to veil it and ensure that your attempts of persuasion do not veil. The mention of heuristics and systematic analysis helped to expose how people evaluate the information they get. That is good information for you to use as a way of attaining the highest possible persuasive ends.

There is also a need to ensure that the message presented keeps flowing and unleashing persuasiveness. Some of these strategies are hypnotizing and hence can influence someone at quite a subconscious level. However, someone can reawaken and feel that they somehow twisted about the idea and want to change their mind that is the reason why you have to drive the momentum of you to target to keep them displaying the attitude that favors you.

This is done through the use of motivation, and this borders on both internal and external motivation. As such, it is not enough to simply have your target get swayed and leave them like that. The persuasive will diminish and this will lead to the return of the original attitudes and mental belief. Offer incentives that will make them naturally strive to meet your needs. When you persuade and you are successful, you create in the target the yearning to ensure they keep the compliance as that is what will lead them to earn a certain reward.

However, you still have to be careful with how this is applied as it can both be successful or unsuccessful depending on how it is used.

Persuasion thus far is all about psychology and how much someone succeeds at fully understanding the way the human mind works. It is not just about looking at what you want to say. The greatest ideas may not carry the day. The greatest strategy that presents an idea does. This means that you should spend a lot of effort into understanding the approach. Do this understanding that people have their formed opinions that resist persuasions.

You take time to analyze successful marketers and see how they present themselves. Also, assess the commercials on TV and see how they are fashioned. The way they are projected is not spontaneous.

It is by design and follows certain psychological principles to exert compulsion on the mind and trigger compliance. So you probably will have to start from loving psychology and beginning to appreciate it is practicability. And of course, if you brought yourself to read this book thus far, it is easier to assume that you love psychology.

That is what is ruling the world and it is determining the people that win from those that lose. It is the psychology that distinguishes successful businesses from unsuccessful ones. The ability to even perform daily chores and work duties rely heavily on psychology and if you do not begin to see how this relates to real-life circumstances of interrelation with people, you are vulnerable to others and are less likely to be an influencing element around others.

Conclusion

On the whole, persuasion is an essential part of life. It is part of what defines the way we interact with others. The book has shown how people may be self-seeking because of the innate sense of self-centeredness. They want to use the objects in the environment to satisfy their self-interests. It means that people can also be part of the objects that others use to meet their individualistic needs. They do this by exerting their power of influence on you.

The content of this book helps one to be conscious of the methods others use to sway them. This awareness puts you in a position of advantage over the others as you can read what they are trying to accomplish through you. The strategies of countering other people’s resistance have been explained at great length in the book.

Just as people try to influence you, you also seek to find a place in society where you can affect others. You have to learn how to make it possible to affect others and also change their perception toward you. This is because there are a lot of things that have to be done in life through others. This includes making businesses work, securing the scholarship, even making social relationships such as love.

You have to bring yourself to understanding psychology. The book has offered you insights in achieving this. You only have to embrace it, commit to it and make it work for you. The explanations are elaborate ad the examples are quite simple and true to life that anyone can virtually relate with them.

HOW

TO

ANALYZE

PEOPLE

Introduction

Human begins, like other creatures, have an emblematic life course that comprises of successive stages of development, each of which is characterized by a different set of physiological, physical, and behavioral aspects. It has usually been presumed that prediction of behavior is best realized by understanding and measuring cognitive variables. Possibly the most important hypothesis underlying the attitude perception is the idea that attitudes in a various way, direct, sway, guide, form, or predict genuine behavior.

The study of people and their behavior is varied, and countless researches have been carried out trying to discover more regarding human behavior. Several researchers have established that human behavior is difficult and occasionally unpredictable. The environment is considered one of the main factors in the growth of human behavior. The irregularity of this behavior tries to demonstrate that individuals are exceptional and function on diverse ideas and circumstances. Additionally, the brain of a people is independent of that of another individual, consequently, this generates a mixture of how individuals reason, act and make different decisions.

The research on human behavior obliges a profound and thorough investigation of people in diverse places and surroundings.  Skinner, a well-known scholar, and psychologist are one of the individuals who involved all his life learning human conduct and behavior. As a result, He came up with numerous concepts that assist in understanding individuals’ behavior and define their thinking and activities. People are exceptional in most of their actions. Basically, this is what makes the learning of human regarded as difficult. This forces the scholars to have comprehensive scrutiny and deep study in their activities.

Chapter One: Recognizing Personality Types

How to Use Dark Secret

Daily, people tend to act in diverse ways and apply the word 'behavior' to refer to the spoken and physiological reactions and activities. The concern in psychological matters has a long gone, however, Efforts to understand the nature of psychological evolution in current generation begun during the 19th century. It was swayed by the expansions in the study of philosophy as well as ordinary sciences.

Nowadays psychology is regarded as a science as well as a career contributing to the upgrading in the excellence of life. It emphasizes principally on the study of numerous aspects of psychological and behavioral functioning. Apparently, Psychologists apply scientific approaches to know the grounds of behavioral occurrences and formulate principles and philosophies about them. They try to understand numerous questions linked to people behavior. In the development of its progress, in this era, psychology has extended in numerous directions and has included nearly all capacities of human life. Consequently, we might say that psychology is a logical study of brain, mind, and behavior.

Representation of dark psychology

This perception narrows down on the key role of environmental stimuli in defining the way individuals behave. It claims that what we are is mostly the result of historical education. Consequently, overt or noticeable behavior becomes the topic of psychology. This tactic does not offer to mean awareness and subjective psychological conditions. In this custom, noticeable behavior and its association with environmental circumstances is the key focus of study.

People are regularly naive of the correct reasons for their actions. Concentrating on motivational queries about behavior, this perspective examines the key role of inner procedures. It considers that each behavior has a basis and that basis is to be generated in the mind. 

In addition, it is held that much of individuals’ behavior is ruled by the unconscious procedures that lie outside the range of people’s awareness. This observation uses the opinions of individuals suffering from psychological conditions and considers initial childhood practices as determinants of mature behavior. As per this view, people are driven mainly by sexual and violent instincts.

The main focus of this vision is on how individuals see, comprehend and think about the world. Much of people’s behavior contains mental or intellectual procedures such as seeing, recalling and thinking.  Ideally, they are as vital as environmental incentives in understanding people behavior. They arbitrate between ecological incentives and organism’s reactions. They operate in a prearranged and methodical way. As dynamic creatures, people tend to process information and behave specifically upon it. People perceptions define the course of their behavior. People see the environment and react on the basis of its clarification. Human beings thoughts are both bases as well as consequences of their overt activities. This perception has associations with the developing fields of intellectual science and reproduction intelligence.

It is also held that an individual’s conduct is not merely determined by either previous practices or the present situations. Persons can make selections.

The individual experiences and clarifications of people are vital in defining the course of their activities.

The concepts must be beneficial not only for understanding individuals but also for accepting one’s personal life. In this viewpoint, self-actualization and holiness play a significant role. It attempts to understand the outline in life antiquities of the individuals. It stresses the experimental world of the persons.

Research has revealed that words account for around 7% of how people communicate while body language 55% and voice 30% stands for the rest.  The idea to focus on is letting go of working too hard to read body language signs. Do not get excessively intense or critical, Stay calm and fluid.  Additionally, be relaxed, sit back, and humbly observer

How to Read People Behavior

Appearance
When reading other people’s behavior, always take the following into consideration: putting on a power suit and polished shoes, dressed up for achievement or signifying ambition.  When a person puts on t-shirt and jeans it indicates casual or comfort. On the other hand, the lady wearing a tight dress with cleavage indicates seductive. A person putting on neckless such as a cross or Buddha indicates divine values.

Posture
While analysis of people’s posture put a number of factors into consideration. If they hold their head up, it indicates confidence. If they walk hesitantly, that is an indication of low self-esteem. if they boast with an arrogant tone and a puffed-out chest, that is an indication of a big ego.

Listen to Intuition

A person can tune into somebody beyond their words and body language. Perception is what a person's emotional feelings, not what their head states. Basically, it is nonverbal information a person perceives through imageries rather than rationality.

This implies that, if a person wants to know somebody, what matters the most is who the individual is, not their external accessories. Instinct lets a person understand more than the observable aspects to disclose a bigger picture.

Sense Emotional Drive

Sentiments are a spectacular expression of different peoples drive and the feeling they give off. People normally record these with instinct. Several individuals feel good to be in your company; they generally uplift your mood and strength.

On the contrary, others are strenuous; people automatically want to move away from them. This indirect liveliness can be sensed inches from an individual’s body, though it is unseen.

Tactics to Read Emotional Drive

 Sense Individual’s Presence

This is considered the inclusive energy people produce, not essentially corresponding with words or conduct. It is the emotional air surrounding people like a cloud or wind. While reading people one should notice the following: Do they possess a pleasant company that attracts other people? Or are people getting unpleasant, making them walk away?

Watch Their Eyes

People’s eyes convey an influential drive. Identical to the mind, the eyes have an electromagnetic indicator spreading around the body as well.  People should take the time to look at people’s eyes. Are they considered caring, mean or angry? Observing peoples eyes also help to determine: if there is someone at home in their eyes, demonstrating a capability for affection? Observing people’s eyes also help to identify if they appear to be hiding or guarded?

Note the Feel of a Touch, Handshake and Hug

People tend to share emotional drive-by physical interaction just like an electrical current. While reading people behavior, one should always ask themselves, does a handshake feel warm, calm, and assertive? Or is it unwelcoming so people want to pull out?

When people’s hands are clammy, it is an indication of anxiety. If the hand is limp, it suggests being non-committal and nervous?

Take note of Laugh and Tone of Voice

The tone and size of people’s voice might tell much regarding emotions. When analysis people, take note of how their tonal variation affects people around them. People should ask themselves a couple of questions while reading peoples voices: Does their tonal variation feel comforting? Or is it rude, irritable, or high-pitched? 

Types of behavior

Evolutionary Type and Behavior

Behavior can be referred to as self-propelled drive producing a purposeful interaction between a creature and its immediate environment, such as discovering a mate or escaping from a killer.

Several animals which existed in quickly changing surroundings found it to their benefit to cultivate a mechanism which permitted their behavioral reactions to be depending on changing circumstances. Animal brains have been selected to create behavior adaptive to a creature’s situations because mechanisms guaranteeing the creation of such reactions would have been favored by choice. The outcome has been standardized structures within creatures that regularly produce adaptive behavior.

Types of Behavior Production

Researchers must limit their analysis of behavioral types to the history of evolutionary growths in a specific family.

Psychologists are chiefly concerned with clarifying behavior in human species, which implies that they normally restrict their attention to animals of which human beings are the direct offspring. As with several past studies, the manner in which people act can change with time. Brains have indicated extraordinary increases in size and difficulty in the lineage between initial multi-cellular creatures and the current group of animals. With respect to behavior, psychologists believe that the advantage of giving greater neural resources to the creation of behavior is that it raises the time prospect over which responses can be organized.

Purposes of Behavior

Evolutionary types are also identified by their key functions.  Behavior operates to put animals into situations which have diverse types of importance in evolutionary positions. The main group of physiological states offers reproductive or existence benefits openly. These states tend to focus on the situation of the body because achieving immediate evolutionary profits must include the achievement of a specific resource, or improve the existence chances of the whole body. It is, therefore, behavior that is expected at receiving resources into the human body, and body wastes out, putting the whole body within a range of environments for perfect functioning, at escaping physiological harm or switching gametes.

The second method to apply behavior to get adaptive profits is to influence one’s function so as to put oneself into a condition where the achievement of profits becomes possible in the future. Work might be directed at refining the physical domain, the organic world or the social sphere. The third class, ‘attitudinal’ behaviors, is even more ultimately connected to evolutionary profits. In this situation, behavior serves to improve the person’s own abilities and skills to carry out physiological or ecological jobs more successfully in the coming years. The emphasis of altitudinal behavior is therefore on changing the form of the mind, where memory and expertise-based knowledge lives.

The study recommends, then, that adaptive behavior can be focused at one of three types of end states; those that develop: the situation of the body, the form of the entire world, or the situation of the brain. These three types of end-state outline the methods in which behavior can be functionally differentiated.

How to Persuade Using Body Language

A person’s body language might either assist them to get their intended message across, or it might send the mistaken message. People should put into consideration what to do with their eyes, their voice, and their hands to exploit persuasion. In addition, being persuasive implies that people have to choose their words carefully.

On the other hand, operative persuasion entails the right delivery of the intended information too. A person’s body language might either assist them to get their intended message across, deter their impact, or worse, deliver incorrect message completely. There are several factors that a person must put into consideration if they are looking to influence those around them through body language, below are some of the aspects to consider.

Ask In Person

If a person has a significant appeal, they should not send an email, it is best to request face to face. The message or request will be more influential if it is delivered in person. Occasionally, it is much easier to decline a request send through email than to somebody’s face. However, more significantly, by observing the body language of an individual during a conversation one might modify their message as they speak. For instance, let us assume when re-counting advantages of the proposal, a person notices a small no signal. This is a minor hint that the partner might not approve the proposal idea, and a person might then apply that evidence to modify the course of their conversation. 

Additionally, a person’s desire and sentiments are more infectious in person. Sometimes people tend to have a smiling fit just because somebody else was smiling. 

The fact is that irrespective of how many exclamation marks, cheerful faces, or emotions you put in the script, they are no substitute for actual excitements experienced in person by facial expressions, speech, and signs. Consider how different it is to listen over to a specific poetry verse and reading it.  Basically, it is a totally different experience. In addition, Persuading using a mobile phone presents related difficulties;

the person might not have their complete attention and they could not have the chance to observe facial expressions or signs of the person making the call.

It is therefore recommended that if a person is asking something from someone they should ask to meet in-person. Alternatively, the interested person might invite them to share a meal or have a cup of coffee.

On the other hand, if a person is trying to persuade a group of people, they should call a meeting. Lastly, if meeting personally is not possible then the interested person should consider video conferencing. This is another method which captures the aspects of body language in persuading people.

Check Your Body Language

It should be noted that when meeting people either for business purposes or personal reasons, your communication partner will have to see you as well. During this occasion, the first thing they tend to notice is the quests posture, and that shall signal an instant message to the listener. The first factor to consider is to stand up tall; this makes a huge difference in perceptions of confidence. This plays a huge role before people start talking; they could have made the first impression already.

On the other hand, eye contact is considered a vital aspect of increasing the perception of dependability. In addition, apply hand signs where necessary to back and underline the main messages and have a natural sense of humor, which makes the person more likable and trusted. Consequently, when the person is confident, their listeners tend to be calm, open, and willing to listen.

Match Body Language and Words

The main issue related to this example is unreliable communication between the presenter’s body language and their words. Researches carried out on verbal and nonverbal forms of communication indicate that the significance of consistency in the presenters’ message is paramount. If the presenters’ body language and their words do not correspond to each other, the listener tends to have a problem in deciding which aspect of communication to trust. A number of researchers indicate that when the presenters’ messages are conflicting, the listener always has a tendency of relies on the nonverbal aspects to make the final decision.

If the presenter is trying to influence listeners to back their charitable organization, their body language ought to support them. Shady signs such as moving eyes, twiddling, or sneering will arouse distrust.

Opening arms, small signs, and facial expressions that indicate good emotion will capture the audience and make them believable.

In most cases, Political discussions are the best place to look out for contradictions between body language and related words. People might notice a candidate laughing while debating high joblessness or rising fuel prices. With unpredictable messages, people stop paying attention to the words and pay more attention to the presenters’ body language. That is one of the reasons why something as minor as a sneer could cost the aspirant trust and people votes.

Guard Yourself

This section serves as a quick segment of caution for people seeking to influence the audience. Sometimes when people are worried, they usually tend to smile. If people are describing a serious prejudice or making a request for aid or backing, a smile shall send the incorrect message. As a result, people should make sure their facial expressions and the entire body language bear true emotions by considering what they face conveys. Generally, a person’s body language shall be considered the most persuasive if they are sincere.  In addition, Body language is seen as harder to control as compared to words.  Lastly, if people are faithful in their beliefs, their body language shall be more influential.

Eyes Never Lie

There are situations where you talk to people who do not look into your eyes directly. The individual looked above the shoulder, over the head, on the floor, or at somebody else around you.in such a situation the presenter normally makes the audience feel uneasy. Most likely, the audience doubted that individual’s interest, trustworthiness, and confidence. In addition, when such a scenario occurs the listeners tend to feel ignored by the person presenting in front of them.  In many occasions, eye contact usually plays a major part in how individuals see each other, and, as a presenter, people should pay exceptional attention to it. 

For many years now, it is believed that if a person makes eye contact with their listeners, they will think that they are genuine, trustworthy, welcoming, and authentic. From a bigger point of view, these approaches have a huge influence on how listeners perceive the intended message.

Hand Gestures Show Belief and Enthusiasm

From ancient times to the present, hand gestures are considered the most communicative part of the body language.  For a person to be regarded as more effective, they must make sure their hand gestures above their elbow and far away from their body.  In addition, the hands should be more energetic and definite to indicate conviction and passion. An extensive wave of the hand to indicate distance shall add more to the intended message than a half-hearted arm wave. On the other hand, arm gestures similarly should be filled and different rather than fractional and repetitious.in several occasions, repeating the same body and hand moves, again and again, is normally considered to be distracting.

Different occasions call for different ways of using hands to deliver the intended message. For instance, people should always, Make their hand gestures bigger for big viewers to guarantee that people seated at the back of the room can clearly see their hand movements.

Apply the Rooted Position to Express Confidence

The posture people tend to assume while standing is considered very important because it shows the presenters confidence and their comfort level.  While addressing the audience, and the person shrugs their shoulders and constantly look down to the floor, the audience might rightfully think the presenter is shy and practically weak.  On the other hand, if the presenter repeatedly shifts their body weight from one base to another, then the audience might consider them uncomfortable and worried. Additionally, the `presenters’ movement might equally distract the audience.

However, when the presenter stands upright, on their feet shoulder-length separately and their weight equally spread on each foot, and look straight at their listeners, they convey a message and picture of assurance and composure.

This is normally referred to as the rooted position. This title is generated from the idea of one standing in a manner likely to suggest that their feet have roots hidden extremely in the ground. As a result, it will be difficult for the person to awkwardly move around or get off balance. From a broader point of view, this is considered the point of power and real strength.

On the other hand, people should make sure their Facial Expression fully backs their indented Words. The presenters face unconsciously sends signals about how their immediate spectators are expected to respond or feel with regards to the conveyed information. For instance, if the presenter is talking about a dreadful motor accident, yet they are constantly smiling and nodding their head, the audience will be literally confused.  This implies that the presenters’ facial expression must, at any point, be dependable with the moods or message they are communicating to their audience.

Finally, a person’s body language is regularly speaking on their behalf. This implies that even when people are silent, they are unconsciously communicating.  In several occasions, Body language might either assist get the message to the audience clearly or literally sends the incorrect message completely. Apparently, ensuring that nonverbal communication is consistent is the key to the achievement of your communication goals. Audiences tend to process information in three means: body language, quality of voice and spoken words. When these forms are all functioning together the presenter is matching. If the presenter language is compatible with their message, they are likely to project self-assurance and be much more fruitful in their mission.

Chapter 2: Body Language

Body language refers to all the ways in which one presents and expresses themselves other than the words they speak. It encompasses the body movement, postures, and gestures that then characterize one’s nonverbal communication. As it is mostly involuntary, body language closely show one’s unaltered thoughts and feelings, and this can go a long way in portraying the credibility of the message they put across, the conscience of the individual, and consequently provide evidence of truth or lack of it considering the degree of consistency between the cues and the message as supposedly spoken. Body language serves to emphasize or strengthen verbal message where truth prevails, contradict it where lies prevail, substitute it when the cues are more vivid, complement and therefore increase its impact, as well as an accent or underline its importance.

Positive Bodily Gestures

When the body language communicates interest, eagerness, and optimism to what is being said, then it is considered to be positive. The following are some of the general positive bodily gestures:

Relaxed posture where one sits or stands with their backs straight but agile comfortable with their surroundings

Standing or sitting with one’s legs slightly apart, taking up just enough space, and at ease with oneself

Slightly leaning in when listening to show one’s interest in the conversation

Hanging one’s arms comfortably at their side or bringing their hands together in the lap to show openness to what is being said

Moderate hand gestures for emphasis of words portray one as being credible and assured

Reaching out first with a firm handshake earns one credibility

                     Keeping the head up and looking the other in the eye, occasionally blinking and looking away so as not to scare, shows one’s interest in the conversation

               Making simple affirmative actions of agreement like nodding, smiling or laughing when appropriate shows one as being on the other’s side and identifying with their plight

In necessary occasions, taking notes shows that one values what is said and is engaged in the conversation

Slowing down one’s speech and bodily movements appropriately makes one appear confident and contemplative, and is also calming if one is anxious.

Negative Bodily Gestures

Negative bodily gestures communicate disinterest, indifference or dullness and misery to what is being said. Some of them include:

Constantly checking at the time send the signals that one prefers to be elsewhere or that they could be doing something more important

Looking to the ground shows one’s disinterest in current conversation or it portrays them as being shy

Repeated touching of one’s own face indicates they are lying

Picking at one’s own things like clothes or fingernails etc. signals their boredom, disapproval or even rudeness

Sitting on the edge of the chair, one literally portrays their own both mental and physical uneasiness

Tapping fingers, feet or pen show one as being impatient or under stress

                     Placing objects before oneself denotes resistance against or shyness from the other person

                  Being too close and breaking into the other person’s space makes them uncomfortable and portrays one as being unaware of basic social cues

Fake smiles portray one as covering up their real thoughts and intentions

Over blinking can a sure sign of one being anxious or nervous

Conversation with gestures

Various Body Languages

Body language of the head

Lowering

Lowering the head so that the chin covers the neck is defensive action against perceived threat for the neck whatsoever.

It can also signify affection or fear, thinking of the other person as either too wonderful or terrifying. Women may lower their heads while striving to maintain eye-contact to send a strong flirting signal, as if to recognize the man’s superiority, yes, “but won’t take my eyes off you”. It can also be used to show defiance where one recognizes power or strength of the others but doesn’t to give in or caution where one recognizes the other person’s strength but do not trust them for it.

Raising

Raising one’s head is often a sign of interest as they want to look at the point of interest. Done quickly, raising the head can be a sign of a query as one asking what the other means by their statements. As for one looking up (at the ceiling etc.) and holding at it for a while, they could be bored or a visual thinker looking at internal images or turning the eyes away so as to concentrate on a sound.

Tilting

Tilting the head sideways can show one’s interest in what is said or currently happen around. Tilted towards someone, it can be a flirting signal, like one saying to them “I’m interested in you”. When one’s head is tilted and pushed forward it could signify their curiosity, uncertainty or query in contemplation.

In such a scenario, the degree of tilt corresponds to the extent of uncertainty or strength with which the signal is intended to be sent.

A tilted head and pulled back can be a defensive measure when one is suspicious of some perceived threat. A tilted head can, too, signify submission and one’s feelings of vulnerability.

Oscillating

Oscillating the head means nodding the head up and down or shaking it sideways.

Nodding the head in most cultures denotes being in agreement with what is being said, and often goes together with smiling or other signs of approval. Vigorous nodes indicate strong agreement while slower nodding indicates conditional agreement. On the other hand, swinging the head signifies disapproval or disagreement. The rate of swinging is a reflection of the strength of the feeling.

While talking, nodding is one’s attempt to persuade the others to agree with the message s/he is putting across. Nodding to the other person as they speak encourages them to go on with their speech. A short sharp nod can be taken for a head-butt when one insists on an agreement though the other strongly think otherwise.

Shaking one’s head when the other is speaking makes them pause, ask for your input or query or double their effort to convince you in line with what they are putting across. However, oneself shaking their head as they make their speech strong shows that they do not themselves believe in what they are saying in the first place.

Generally, high-status people less often move their heads while the low-status people move their heads more.

Rotating

Turning the head away from someone effectively removes attention from them, and denies that person, for the moment, exists. This, one does show total disregard, indifference or in consideration for the value or significance of what the other person thinks they represent.

Turning one’s head to the side, while maintaining eye contact with the other person, could be an attempt to align the ear in their direction so as to hear them better. But this can also be disconcerting, as the other person has to move their eyes along in an attempt to maintain contact with only the one near the eye. Or further, one can give this ‘one-eye’ gaze as an act of dominance over or show of insult or disguise for the other.

A slight rotation of the head signifies partial agreement or disagreement especially when one feels they are being coerced to do so but by themselves would rather not.

Pointer

When engaging with a person in a conversation or activity yet they keep pointing their face in the direction of another thing or person altogether, then they involuntarily send a message of being more interested with that other person or thing than staying with you in the present activity. People turn and point their face in the direction of where there is something or someone of interest to them.

Also, less powerful persons tend to focus on the power of people. This way, it’s easier to tell who is taking lead in any form of gathering. Twitching one’s head in the direction of the other person without looking at them can be quite insulting, often subtle. One does this when they do not want the subject person to notice that the insult is indeed directed toward them.

Touching

Touching the head can be a sign of anxiety, or as well as confusion as to what to do next. When one covers their eyes, ears or mouth then they feel they’d rather not see, hear or say anything under the circumstances. Touching the side of the nose, or stroking the chin shows that one is thinking, weighing between decisions or choices or judging people, given the opportunity just presented to them at that point during the conversation.

Tapping one’s own head can be interpreted as self-punishment, meaning one’s regret for action or choice that they did not make right, and they’re just remembering or realizing it. Depending on the contexts, however, and how it is done, this gesture can also be intended to mean that someone else nearby is stupid!

Propping one’s head in the arms could imply that one is bored or tired. It may be understood that boredom, when it lingers, is tiring to the head. This gesture also speaks of one as being in a thought process, just thinking or evaluating things in their mind, physically present but logically absorbed into their minds.

Unmoving

When one speaks without moving their head, then they are showing that they are serious about what they are saying and what they are talking from a point of authority.

Holding their head still grants them the stance to fix others with a dominant gaze. Persons whose heads are unmoving when they speak automatically earn themselves a higher status over the others.

Finally, an unmoving head with unfocused eyes is typical of someone who is lost in deep inner thoughts.

Body Language of the Mouth

A relaxed mouth in its generally accepted natural state of rest is a sign of a relaxed person. However, there are many other gestures that it can present, that say more about a person’s overall being or their feeling at the moment.

Parted

Slightly parted lips, especially if licked while gazing long enough at someone, can be a flirting signal. Generally, though, parting lips is the first sign by the mouth that one wants to talk.

Pursed

When one’s lips are pursed and pulled inwards, then the person could be feeling tension and frustration or disapproval of some sort. Pursed lips could also be a sign of suppressed anger. And since one is seen as trying something inside, it can indicate that they are lying, holding oneself form saying the truth inside.

This gesture can also be a display of one who is thinking, getting to decide between options.

Puckered

Especially if touched with a finger, puckered lips show that one has the desire.

Sucked in

When one is hesitant to say something that they think could most probably be bad news and are uncertain what feelings it could cause in other people, they are seen to have their lips sucked in. This gesture also describes an instance in which one tries to suppress speech as they are more likely to lie to or get disapproval from the others.

Flattened

Flattened lips are mostly caused a desire to speak without, under the circumstances, turning out to be critical or equally a show of frustration when would want to speak but have to wait until the others finish.

When one refuses to eat because they dislike the food or are motivated by something else, they flatten their lips.

This also is characteristic when one is avoiding crying, therefore, flattening their mouth in sadness.

Turned up

A mouth turned up with a bright face and glowing eyes engaging all the face muscles in an extension are what describe a genuine smile. A flatter tenser contortion with teeth unshown can be an utter display of sheer disgust.

Turned down

Lips turned down show sadness and displeasure. People who experience misery so often have their lips assuming this shape for their natural state of rest, which can be a sad thing.

Retracted

This can be a gesture of a broad smile or start of aggression. Whether or not the eyes have their glow tells which case it is.

Moving

When one is silent but their lips move in the shape of words, then one could be thinking of saying the words. Chewing is deduced form movement of one’s mouth up and down. But this can also say of one as being nervous if they aren’t actually eating.

Rolling in the lips each against the other while the eyebrows are lowered signifies uncertainty or disapproval.

Twitching

A twitch is a small very fast movement of the mouth in either direction of it that says a quick thought just ran through one’s mind. This is characteristic with serial liars and can show their own cynicism with or disbelief in themselves or others.

Protruding

When one experiences a feeling of guilt, their top lip extends over the bottom one that is being bitten between the teeth. When the bottom lip extends over the top one, it is a sign of uncertainty. When people feel that things aren’t going their way, probably in spite of their effort, they sulk, and their bottom lip is seen jutting out.

Lips pressed together and pushed out means ones is doubtful of their thought. Oneself touching their lips in this state with a finger means they are considering speaking but are ready yet.

Biting

A person who is feeling anxiety generally goes on into biting their lips continually. This is true of one who comes under stress because of the stress they are telling at the time. This might make one try suppressing themselves as to stop saying something.

Unexpectedly, and quite contrary to the above instances, lip biting can be quite comforting as one edges out of the uncomfortable feelings that come with the prior experiences above explained, depending on the, maybe change of, circumstances!

Body Language of the Eyes

Looking up

This gesture is common among visual thinkers. They avert the eyes so as to see internal images. When giving a speech, many lookups in an attempt to recall prepared statements. When one looks up then to the left, they try to recall a memory. Looking up then to the right could mean imaginative fabrication of pictures, probably constructing lies. This gesture could also mean one is bored, so they inspect around to find anything interesting.

Looking down

Looking down at a person could be a demonstration of one’s power and dominion over them. However, just looking down and not at the person could mean submission, thinking of them as being a threat or too glorious, or that one is sensing a feeling of guilt within.

Looking down then left, one could possibly be talking to self while looking down then right they could be attending to their internal emotions.

Looking sideways

One would do this to avoid seeing what is in front of them, or to pay attention to something else that got their interest. A quick glance to the side then back could mean they wanted to check for the source of distraction for threat or interest, or just felt irritated by the comment just made by someone.

Who looks sideways then left tries to read a sound from memory, while one who settles to the right tries to imagine the sound. Side-to-side eye movement denotes shiftiness and lying. One, therefore, is trying to find a convenient way out or escape should they be found out. This gesture is also characteristic with conspiratorial persons who at that moment, want to ensure that no one else sees them or listens in.

Gazing

People gaze at things or people that they are interested in. Potential love partners keep looking at the other’s eyes after a locking gaze. Rather for the lustful, the eyes slide down the body. Important is exactly where the eyes go!

Up and down gazes mean that one is trying to size the other for a potential threat or sexual partner, with a show of dominance, mindless of the other person’s feelings. Gaze at the forehead, a defocused gaze, or no gaze at all means one totally lacks interest in the other. There exists a power gaze that is normally short and intense that one uses to impose their will on the other individual without aggression.

Short gazes are a sign of one who feels guilty of lying. Conversely, understanding this, an unusually long gaze can also be their characters in an attempt to hide their guilt as they observe for any signs of detection from the other person.

Glancing

A glance at something means one desire for it. One who glances at the door severally wants to leave. Desiring to talk with someone, one will take a glance at them. A glance can also show concern for another’s feelings, especially if a word being or just said would upset them.

In cultures where ‘looking-for-long’ is forbidden, glances would show one’s desire to gaze at the other. A glance sideways with eyebrows raised would be one’s gesture of attraction to the other. With eyebrows not raised, a sideway glance means disapproval for the other person.

Eye contact

Eye contact is used to show interest, affection or dominance. Softening of the eyes, muscles around them relaxing, dilated shiny pupils and a slight defocusing are a signal of one’s sexual desire for the other person. Making eye contact with a person translates to acknowledging and probably being interested in them.

Breaking it would mean that one is feeling insulted, found out or threatened, or that they just thought of something that caused the same internal discomfort. A look-break-then-make eye contact coupled with the head coyly low can be strong flirting action.

Long eye contact means attentiveness. We generally give long eye contacts to people we like and seem to like people who initiate or reciprocate with this gesture. As long eye contacts without blinking can be a demonstration of domination, aggression, and use of power, a stare competition can ensue when the other person calls their guts to work.

Who submits does so by looking away first. A good long eye contact regularly sustained throughout a conversation or speech is typically an act of persuasion.

Staring

We stare a people in whom or things in which we have a particular interest. At people about whom we’ve just received unexpected news, we stare in shock and disbelief. A short stare, with eyes wide open then back to normal, we express surprise.

Our eyes naturally follow things that are neutral, or that we fear just to be sure that they do turn into threat.

Squinting

Squinting is narrowing one’s eyes. This happens when one feels that what is being said is partially or just not true and instinctively goes into the evaluation of facts. Uncertainty about what is meant can also be so gestured. Liars squint in an attempt to cover their deception. When one thinks of something but do not want to picture it in their mind, they squint.

Blinking, Rubbing and Closing

Blinking their eyes more frequently means one is thinking more, or that their effort in trying to make up lies is stressing them out. Surprised in disbelief of what one is seeing, they could blink randomly and rapidly.

One rapidly blinking, closing their eyes or rapidly rubbing then could be a sign that they do not want to see what is in front of them, or they are trying to hide something or from something. The feeling of hiding could be based on the fact that the world is locked outside the eyes or that while rubbing the eyes, the hands become a barrier between them and the world.

Engaged in a conversation or making a speech, closing one’s eyes might serve to turn away eye contact and deny or ignore requests by the others for an opportunity to talk. Visual thinkers often close their eyes so as to see internal images better.

Pupil

Dilation of the pupil is a response for one’s desire to engage in sexual or other stimulating activity or exciting experience, take in more from a pleasing surrounding or person or thing at hand, or readily embark in a problem-solving thought process with a feeling of optimism.

Constriction, on the other hand, could mean one is disgusted by their current surrounding or people or things before them and is therefore not attracted to them or have a disliking for them. A constricted pupil could also mean that one’s brain is overloaded and/or fatigued.

Body Language of the Torso

The torso is comprised of the neck, the shoulders, the chest, the back, the belly, the bottom, and the hips, constituting the trunk of the body and hosting most of the vital organs of the body.

The Neck

Held straight up perpendicular to the shoulders and flexible the neck portrays one as feeling confident and assured of self and understanding their sense of leadership.

An attempt to lower it could mean that one is feeling unimportant or insecure, or fears for a potential threat. Turning the neck could mean giving or removing attention, or that one could be bored or tense. Rubbing the neck is normally an act of easing tension or anxiety.

The Shoulders

Shoulders, in their horizontal state of rest, are a show of a relaxed person, confident with self and feel at ease with the surrounding. Raised shoulders could mean that one is feeling tension from anxiety or fear, or they are trying to protect the neck from a perceived threat.

While curving them forward could be a defensive posture, pushing them back is a way of exhibiting fearlessness and demonstrating power.

A lack of knowledge or understanding or uncertainty can be deduced from a shrug of the shoulders. When words could give them away, liars choose to shrug instead of speaking. Yet this very gesture could be exhibited when one feels irritation, frustration or aggression.

The Chest

Women thrust their chests out at men as a provocative romantic display to them. Men do it to fellow men to show that they are mightier, and to the women to show that they can protect them. Pulling it back not only is a trial to protect it but also a way of one saying that they are inoffensive in whatever they say or do. This should not always be confused for submission.

Leaning the chest forward can mean interest in what is happening, or can be romantic as one tries to get closer. Conversely, one can also do this to invade the other’s personal space trying to assert their dominance.

Involuntary chest movement is a function of breathing. Anxious persons breathe faster. Tense, we tend to take short breaths. When one holds their breath, they are in hopeful suspense.

The Belly

In romantic situations, flat tummies are generally desirable. When the tummies are round, the stomach muscles come in place to accentuate the look. When is under tension, they often rub the stomach. Covering with hands could mean one fears of an attack, thus presuming a defensive position.

The Back

When is showing rejection, they first avert gazing, then turn the head, twist their torso, then twist it further moving one leg, turn the whole body to an angle, then finally complete the whole turn showing the other party their back? Each of the turns implies the degree of rejection that one is offering.

Body Language and Posture

Postures of the body are largely classified into open or closed. Closed posture is constituted by folded arms, crossed legs and slight angling from the other person, and often implies that one is feeling discomfort being around the other or is just uninterested in them.

An open posture, on the other hand, is comprised of open arms and legs and facing the other party directly.

It means that one is open to and interested in the other person and is ready to listen in during the conversation.

Body Language of the Arms

Relaxed arms reveal that one is also relaxed and at ease with themselves and their surroundings. One can, however, expand their arms in order to look bigger and extend their lateral space in confidence or aggression.

Raising one’s arms could mean they are feeling frustration, and accompanied with a shrug, it could mean confusion. Crossing arms could be a sign of perception of potential external harm thus one taking a defensive posture.

It can also mean anxiety for lack of trust, internal disquiet or sense of vulnerability. This gesture can also be reassuring, showing a lack of fear.

While open arms portray a feeling of comfort and trust, hidden arms can mean that one has a hidden intent.

Body Language of the Legs and Feet

A width of the shoulders, open legs shows a relaxed pose. Slightly wider means one is grounded and confident. A wider stance reveals one’s show of power and dominance. Anxiety or coldness is portrayed by legs closed or crossed.

Pointing in a particular direction, thing or person means that one wants to go there than stay where they are. Hence pulling one’s leg back would show disinterest in the current activity. Of movement, people who walk faster want to get things done, while the slower ones could be lazy.

The use of Personal Space

Breaking into someone’s intimate space can be disturbing if one does not have a close relationship with them. Personal space is the usual conversation radius that one would require for a normal conversation, conveniently seeing the other person’s expressions, eye movements and overall body language.

Social space provides for people to interact on impersonal issues probably seated or over a table for formal reasons, and speech is louder and eye contact still important to maintain conversational touch. Public distance allows for exaggerated non-verbal communication with larger head and hand movements.

Cultural Influences

Different cultures regard certain body language signs differently. One needs to orientate themselves with the culture of the locals before using such signals. The following are some of the signs that might be interpreted differently between cultures:

Most Indian cultures interpret shaking the head side to side as agreeing or active listening

When young people are being disciplined or told off, eye contact with the elder may not be considered positively

Beckoning someone using a repeatedly curled index finger is generally considered offensive and uncomfortable

Australian Aboriginals find it disrespectful to look the elderly or higher rank people in the eye

The thumbs-up gesture is a sign of rudeness in the Arab countries

Arab and Asian culture consider it rude or insulting for one to show the sole of their foot or point their foot at anyone

In the Arab cultures, the left hand is not to be used for touching or eating, while their handshake is more frequent and less firm

The Japanese regard eyebrow flashes to be rude or having sexual connotations. Also, informal male-female touching is regarded as improper

Easter cultures beckon with palm down while Western cultures do so with the palm up

Specific Hand Gestures

To increase the impact of one’s message is put across, one must consider using specific hand gestures for emphasis. Some common ones include the following:

Listing – when counting, show the numbers with our hand

A tiny bit –emphasize to people so they that you’re making a small point and they need not take it seriously

Listen up – raising your hands but with the right hand going slightly above the height of the shoulders and the below the chest

Everything – moving your arms from right to left-aligned vertically, the right at the height of your stomach and the left at the chest level

Small, medium, large –show the size of the thing or where someone stands

Let me tell you –relaxedly point the index fingers up without raising your hand

Just a part – point with the index finger slightly bend forward the arm resting in an upward direction

Growth – move your hand upward

You – open hands or arms in the person’s direction at the height just below the chest

Me –move your hands in towards your heart or chest

There many other hand gestures that have not been included here.

Handshake cues

When one tries to hide their hand palm so that the other person fully exposes theirs, then the one is trying to subsequently be dominant. One who closes in with their arm tilted upwards signifies that they are feeling inferior. Hard grips are used to show strength with the view to impress or frighten.

A firm grip is what is considered as good contact signifying one as trustworthy and balanced. An added strength means stronger will power. A weak grip could one’s hand is weak or that they have weak will power. If fake, it could mean defiance on one’s part.

Shaking twice is generally okay. More than that means one is excited to meet you, joyously or desperately. Finally, a wet handshake could mean that one is feeling nervous.

Observing Body Language

While everyone can observe and understand pronounced body gestures, with a little more effort one can begin to even improve this skill.

Become Perceptive

Go for subtle gestures that are ignored or missed by many

Learn the signs and remember their meanings

Observe them in action to gather many clues

Analyze correctly to get the right picture

Detect Lies

Look out for incongruity by singling out cues that don’t match with what one is saying

Thin Slicing

This refers to one’s ability to accurately judge other people using their first impressions about them. Reading body language generally happen subconsciously, hence people are often unable to explain how they arrive at their conclusion about others.

With certain training, one can learn how to consciously evaluate bodily traits and eventually interpret them into the people’s personalities. Thus, one can give detail of how they arrived at their judgment of the other person.

Chapter 3: HOW TO FAKE BODY LANGUAGE.

Faking body language is not easy because there is always something that is going to sell you out. It could be the eyes are not accompanying the smile, the hands are not accompanying the words, and the head is not following the hands and many more others. However, despite the entire sell out, body language faking can be learned so it means it is possible to fake your body language. You do not need to fake 100 percent of your body language because there will be a hitch, but you can always fake 70 percent of it. For you to fake your body language, you must first understand how to learn and interpret the body language. It is like a basketball game, you cannot be good at basketball if you haven't learned about its rule, the risks involved, the importance of the game and the remedy if you are not achieving the expected results.

In body language faking, just like in the example above, you must know what your expectations are. Why are you faking it? You must know how good you are. This means you should try it on someone you know and ask them what they think. You must understand the body language you want to fake very well before attempting otherwise it will shame you.

Faking body language should be used for the common good rather than in a conspicuous way. When some people fake body language it boosts confidence in them and others. There are different ways you can fake your body language to suit your desires. Below are a few of the ways to do it;

Taking In A Deep Breath

When talking to someone whether you are giving a speech to the audience or you are listening to them, you should watch both the breathing rate and the other persons. The breathing rate of a person tells much about your emotions. Breathing of a person and his emotions are highly connected so you must be very careful with your rate of breathing if you want to fake it. When someone breaths deeply, it might show that he is afraid. A person holding his breath for some time than breathing deeply shows that the person is afraid.

For example, a child who knows that after telling his mother that he licked sugar will be beaten, no matter how the mother asks him; he will simply breathe deeply without speaking.

He is sending a message to his mother that he is afraid that if he speaks, he will be beaten. So if you are afraid and you do not want to show the other person, you want to feel more superior, you want to prove that you are not afraid of doing anything or you are not afraid of the other person, make sure your breathing rate is balanced. You should not breathe in deeply once after he has asked a question, take time breathing normally,

you can hold your breath a little bit then start breathing normally, someone won’t recognize the fear you are experiencing.

Taking a deep breath may also signify anger. When someone is angry, he has no control over the thing or the one upsetting him. Just like fear, anger is emotional and like we said emotional feelings are connected to breathing. When you are so upset and so angry, watch your breathing rate if you do not want to show it. To fake your breathing rate, you can smile a bit and sip some water if there is any in the glass instead of breathing deeply. Maintain your eye contact and think of funny things in your past, use humor, like crack a funny joke when the person aiming to make you angry says an awful thing, you can also repeat a calming phrase within your head like ‘take is fine, take it easy’. This will help calm you down and you will realize your breathing rate is normal.

Deep breath also shows excitement. This could be excitement from receiving after party. You sit down to think about it, you hold your breath while thinking about it then you breathe in so deeply. You are excited that it was a wonderful party, but if you happened to sneak out of the house and go for this wonderful party and you come back to find your parents waiting for you, you have to fake it because party on a school day is guaranteed with punishment.

To fake it you should make sure you do not breathe deep in with a wide smile on your face. Not doing this will make your parents see your excitement and know what you were up to.

When someone is relieved, he is likely to take a deep breath. Thus taking a deep breath signifies relief. You may have been fighting with someone over a piece of land for a year, and then he comes to you and says he has let it go, you can have it. This is a relief. You will take a deep breath for that. You can always fake this so that he can see how tiring the case was to you.

When you breathe in deeply, it might also show shock, surprise which is always accompanied by a head sign, love attraction, hopelessness or sadness. If you have to fake all these, you must make sure your breathing stays normal no matter how much these feelings flood your mind. To make sure you want to fake all your emotional traumas or feelings without anyone knowing they are fake; it is also good that you identify your emotional triggers. This will help you be in charge of your emotions and each time any trigger is pressed, you will find yourself smiling about it and it will not affect you. This way you would have faked it beyond any doubt.

Controlling the movement of your eyebrows

The eyebrow movement will tell what you are thinking and the message you are trying to pass across.

By lowering your eyebrows when speaking to someone it will send a variety of messages. When your eyebrows are lowered, it shows deception. You will be concealing something from the audience or the speaker. If you want to fake this even if you are hiding something, make sure your eyebrows are raised humbly. This will send a different message. Lowered eyebrows also show desire. The desire that the eyes cannot see or are afraid to view. For example in a love relationship, when a partner asks for a kiss, you might find yourself lowering your eyebrows. This is sending a message that you have the desire to kiss but you can’t say it, or the eyes can’t help it. If you want to fake this so that the other person does not see that you have no desire, you can act surprised by raising your eyebrows with your eyes open wide or do exactly what is required. This will tell the person of your surprise or your desires in the kiss too.

A person lowering eyebrows may also be annoyed. Annoyance may be caused by a variety of things and he is afraid that if he raises his eyes he might cry or be tempted to say something bad. If you want to fake it so that nobody can know if you are annoyed, you can start breathing in and then out as you count, or focus on the main aim of the conversation and you will realize that your annoyance is subsiding and while doing all this, let ensure your eyebrows haven’t changed their former position.

Raised eyebrows may signify attention request or demand depending on the question posed before the raising.

Demanding for attention with raised eyebrows is seen rude sometimes especially if it is coming from a child to a parent or a younger person to an older on so you should be careful if you have this habit. Faking this raising of eyebrows when asking for attention, you may show attraction instead, when someone sees attraction in the eyes, he will give the attention you want. This attraction can be done by raising your eyebrows to expose your eyes.

Submission can also be symbolized by raised eyebrows. For example, a person asking you if you are going to lend him money, and you raise tour eyebrows. This means you have submitted to his request and he will get the money. But if you do not want the person to see  that you are forcing this submission, you can as well lower your eyebrows, he will be confused and won’t tell if it is a yes or no or you can raise your eyebrows with the eyes looking up, this will tell the person that you are thinking about it.

Eyes taking part in the communication process

Raising one eyebrow can also indicate cynicism especially when the other person is speaking inaccurately. The other person may feel offended if he saw you cynically raising your eyebrows thus to fake it, you can stay with your eyebrows normal but focus your mind on something else. When he is done talking you greet each other and leave like nothing ever happened. Most of the psychologists use this faking especially to the clients who are so depressed and are speaking things that do not make sense,

the psychologists even go ahead and nod their heads while the clients are speaking then they can now paraphrase their words to get clarification otherwise raising one eyebrow to them will confuse them more and they will be annoyed that they are not getting the help they needed.

Pushing together your eyebrows and pulling up your forehead indicated relief. For example, you have been waiting for a whole day for some news from the interview you attended, then finally the results come and you have passed.

This is a great relief and you will feel your nerves calming down. This way your eyebrows will be pushed together, and forehead pulled up. To make sure that someone believes in this you as it is written. Anxiety can also be seen when the eyebrows are pushed together, and the forehead pulled up. You can fake anxiety especially when you want to get out of a boring meeting that you have by saying you have to see a doctor. The show of anxiety on your face can get you permission to step out.

Relaxing your face

A relaxed face is not a compressed face. A relaxed face can easily be seen by the facial muscles. The muscles are flexed, the eyebrows not clenched together, the forehead is not wrinkled or creased, the eyes are not tensed and the lips are full. All these describe a relaxed face. If anything from the above is opposite,

this means you do not have a relaxed face and anyone can be able to tell what is bothering you. To fake a relaxed face, you have to understand the following facial meanings;

A relaxed face shows control of emotions. It tells that you are in control of what is going on around you.

For example, you indulge in an argument at the office with your co-worker, the shouting is so high from your fellow worker that the other workers come in, just by the calmness on your face, and the other workers will see control of your emotions. They will know that you have the situation under control and it is not bothering you.

If you are a businessperson and you want to show people that they can count on you, you must have a relaxed face. Relaxed faces show responsibility. Especially when there is a problem in the office and people are confused, by maintaining a relaxed face, people tend to see you as more responsible and they will be counting on you to provide the solutions to any problems arising. Most magnetic leaders are experts at this. They always maintain calm faces even when the going is so rough because they know people are counting on them.

When you are in control of things happening around you it is seen from your calm face. For example, you receive a call from the office that the workers are rioting,

the police have been called to disburse then, but the situation is still rampant. S you decide to go to the office, with a calm face you call upon the workers, and they all stop whatever they are doing and start listening to you address their concerns. The calmness on your face will tell anyone that comes to that meeting that you have got control over your face even when deep within you know you are not calm.

If you want people to respect you, make sure your face is calm especially during stress. When you are so hurt and stressed up, people will always see it on your face. But when your face seems so calm with no sign of stress, this will pull them towards you, they will respect you and most of them will want to emulate you. They will see a person that is a good example who is in control and can lead. A calm face will also make someone see honesty in you. When you are speaking to someone after a mistake has been committed, your face will let the person know if you are honest or not. For example in school, when something wrong has happened and the teacher calls you to the staffroom, the calmness of your face will teacher that you are honest in whatever you are saying. So faking a calm face will make you get anything you want to.

Speaking In Balanced Tones

Tones involve the volume you use and the emphasis you place on every word. When the emphasis is placed on different words, the meanings of words change. When different tones are applied to different words, it changes the emotional influence on the words. For example, someone saying politely while joking ‘you are stupid’ it will sound funny and a joke and emotionally it won’t hurt you unlike someone speaking in a firm tone with serious telling you the same. The emotional attachment to the first incidence and the second incidence differs because of tonal variation.

Trying To Fake a Smile

Faking a smile is not an easy thing to do especially when you are addressing a body language expert. It is likely to give you out when you are not so keen on how to fake it.

The difference between a genuine smile and a fake smile is seen in the facial muscles. Some smiles do not display genuine positivity and their identification rests in the time. How fast they appear and disappear matters most. A genuine smile is late coming and it takes time to disappear. A genuine smile is not instant. If you are speaking to a person and you want to fake a genuine smile, doing smile instantly he says something to you and makes sure your smile does not disappear so fast. However, do not overdo it.

If you wait too much longer for it to appear then hold it longer than it is supposed to disappear, the reality in it will be lost. Sometimes you may look weird if you are not doing it the right way.

You should make sure that your smiles appear in succession and are not even. Symmetrical smiles will let someone know that you are faking it because when you are trying to fake a smile you always want someone to realize it so refrain from the even smiles with unbalanced time intervals for they will make someone know you are faking.

Supporting Your Head

How you support your head while talking tells more than you think. When your head is supported at the chin position horizontally with the chin lifted, this is a show of superiority. Most managers like sitting in this position in the meetings while listening to the views of the junior staff. This is an expression that they are superior over the others. Faking this is easy as long as you do not lose your focus. When you clasp your hands at the back of your head with the elbows spread out, this indicates that you are confident enough. You are confident about what you are talking about and at the same time, it signifies superiority and dominance. For example,

a person is trying to send the message that ’I know this very wee and I am the boss’. This happens mostly after someone has finished a certain project.

Sometimes clasping the hands at the back of your head while facing the opposite side of a person who is demanding something from you may show submission.

This is mostly seen when the police are making arrests. The police tell you to put your hands at the back of your head so that they can search for you. When you comply, it shows you have submitted to the command or request of the being issued.

When you support your head sideways it sends different messages. You could be tired and you just need some relaxing especially when you support your head with your eyes closed. It could also mean that you are indeed thought when you support your head with your hands on your forehead looking down. Supporting your head sideways with focus on the speaker and a smile can also indicate admiration. This happens mostly when people are on a love date.

Supporting your head by putting the hands on your head may show regret. This mostly is seen when football players have missed a penalty or a goal chance.

There are so many ways in which you can fake a body language and the above are just a few.

You must realize that you have to at least fake a larger percentage of every symbol for one to believe it.

You can fake how to use your hands, your legs, your arms, your palms, your eyes, the way of speaking, your lips and so many others to fit your objectives t that particular moment.

Chapter 4: Secret Language for Verbal and Nonverbal

Communication is normally a two-way procedure where the main message in the shape of thoughts, opinion, feelings, and views is conveyed between two or more people with the aim of making a collective understanding. Additionally, the word communication originated from the Latin term Communis, which implies to share. Successful communication is when the point put across by the sender is correctly understood by the recipient in precisely the identical way as it was planned.

Communication is considered a dynamic procedure that starts with the conceptualizing of thoughts by the sender who then conveys the message through a vessel to the recipient, who accordingly gives the response in the type of some message or indication within the stated time.  There are seven key fundamentals of communication procedure:

The Sender 

The communicator is the individual who starts the discussion and has conceptualized the suggestion that they intend to put across to the other party.

Encoding

The sender starts with the encoding procedure where they apply specific terms or non-verbal techniques such as signs, symbols, and body gestures, to interpret the information into a point. The communicator’s familiarity, skills, awareness, surroundings, and competencies have a huge influence on the accomplishment of the message.

The Message

Immediately after the encoding procedure is completed, the communicator gets the message that they intend to put across. The message may be printed, oral, figurative or non-verbal such as body gestures, stillness, sighs, or any other indication that generates the reaction of a receiver.

Communication vessel

The Sender picks the means through which they want to express their message to the receiver. It must be chosen cautiously in order to make the point value and properly interpreted by the receiver. The selection of the vessel depends on the interpersonal associations between the communicator and the recipient and also on the importance of the message being conveyed. Oral, sounds, written and gesture are some of the frequently applied communication mediums.

The recipient 

The recipient is the individual for who the message is proposed or targeted. They try to understand it in the best probable way such that the message purpose is attained. The level to which the recipient decodes the meaning depends on their familiarity of the matter, understanding, dependence, and relationship with the communicator.

Decoding

The recipient understands the sender’s point and tries to comprehend it in the best way. A valuable communication happens only if the recipient understands the point in precisely the same mode as it was planned by the communicator.

Feedback

The response is the last step of the procedure that guarantees the recipient has received the point and interpreted it appropriately as it was planned by the communicator.

It enhances the efficiency of the communication as it allows the sender to recognize the effectiveness of their message. The reply of the recipient can either be verbal or non-verbal.  On the other hand, Noise indicates the obstructions in communications. Consequently, there are probabilities when the message sent by the communicator is not received by the receiver.

Verbal Communication

Verbal Communication is considered a form of oral communication where the intended message is conveyed through the spoken language. Generally, communicator states words to their thoughts, opinion, ideas, and judgment and states them in the shape of speeches, debate, presentations, and discussion.

The efficiency of the spoken message depends on the tone of the speaker, clearness of words, volume, pace, body language and the value of words applied in the discussion. In situations of verbal communication, the response is instant since there are an immediate transmission and reception of the message by the communicator and recipient correspondingly.

The sender should maintain their speech tone high and plainly audible to all and have to plan the topic by putting the indented listeners in mind. Additionally, the sender must constantly cross-check with the recipient to make sure that the point is understood in extremely the same manner as it was planned. Such a message is more prone to mistakes as sometimes the vocabularies are not adequate to communicate the thoughts and sentiment of an individual.

The accomplishment of verbal communication literally depends not only on the talking skill of a person but also on the listening skills. Basically, how efficiently a person listens to the theme decides the value of the message. Verbal communication is relevant in both official and unofficial type of conditions.

Whereas the phrase verbal communication seems roughly self-explanatory as an expression, verbal communication is extremely more difficult than just speaking. From a broader perspective, verbal communication comprises not only oral debates and discussions, but also printed messages and even arbitrated communication which suggests communication employing information communication tools instead of face to face verbal contact

Oral Communication

The most noticeable category of verbal communication is spoken words, and several models of oral communication are enthusiastically accessible. Dialogues, presentations, speeches, and announcements are all types of verbal contact, as well as informal dialogues between associates. In addition to normal verbal communication, majority communication forms also comprise verbal response from the recipient, which might be in the type of queries or remarks, but can be as short, plain or nondescript. While detailed forms of oral verbal communication are nearly indefinite, any discussion relating to at least one recipient and at least one communicator using oral words can be regarded as a model of verbal communication.

Written Communication

While it might appear counter-intuitive, printed communication is regarded as a type of verbal communication is most frequently established definitions of the phrase.

Explaining verbal communication as both printed and oral language references the embrace of related means of communication in both structures to present the meaning of written and spoken words. As a result, a plethora of apparently nonverbal communication types can be applied as models of verbal communication, comprising written letters, memorandum, newsletters, and journals. Textbooks, storybooks and other textbooks also serve as forms of verbal contact, since they employ words as the means through which a point is conveyed

Mediated Communication

Even though the section of the mediated message is considered a separate division of communication learning, it comprises of models of both verbal and nonverbal interactions. The majority internet content comprises of either written text or videos, both of which depend profoundly on verbal communication to transmit their messages.

Similarly, webcasts and other online communicative media use verbal contact, as do emails and newsgroup online postings. The mediated message does not end with the Internet, television transmits use a blend of the verbal and nonverbal announcement, and radio broadcasts depend on verbal communication.

Equally, telephone discussions are successful as a result of the flow of words from the communicator to the recipient, increased only by variances in pitch, tone, speed, and tone.

 Intrapersonal Communication

This type of communication is exceptionally confidential and limited to specific people. It includes the quiet discussion people have with themselves, where they manage roles between the communicator and recipient who process their thoughts and behavior. This procedure of communication when examined can either be expressed verbally to a person or stay restrained as thoughts.

Interpersonal Communication

This type of communication occurs between two persons and is, therefore, a one on one discussion. The individuals involved will exchange their parts of communicator and recipient in order to speak in a clearer way.

Group Communication

This form of communication might occur only when there are more than two individuals involved. The number of persons will be little enough to permit each member to interrelate and talk with the rest. Generally, conferences, panel meetings, and squad meetings are some of the models of group communication.

On the other hand, unless a precise issue is being talked about,

small set discussions may become disorganized and tricky to interpret by everyone. This delay in accepting information entirely might result in miscommunication.

Public Communication

This form of communication occurs when an individual addresses a huge gathering of the group. Election crusades and public speeches are models of this sort of communication. Normally, in such a scenario, there is regularly a single communicator of information and a number of recipients who are addressed.

Advantages and disadvantages of verbal communication

Spoken communication has numerous advantages and disadvantages, as opposed to printed communication, which has numerous advantages too and little disadvantages.

Advantages and disadvantages of oral communication,

Oral communication is perceived as less time consuming as opposed to printed communication. For example, when the presenter is giving out the speech, they are able to respond to the questions of listeners generously and give immense ideas.

Additionally, The presenter does not waste time sitting to a specific book.

Secondly, the presenter and listeners are nearer to each other, in terms of personality and thoughts. This is regular in seminars, teachings and study meetings. It is a straight communication procedure; the listeners respect the presenter for they are the ones who have the thoughts and information of a particular topic.

Thirdly, in the sector of entertainment, musicians and actors are capable of reaching the hearts of the listeners, because of the art, they execute either through playing, dramatizing or speeches.

Fourthly, in the countryside and inaccessible areas, citizens inhibiting these regions have been able to get crucial information by audio communication equipment, such as the radio. By getting news from such vessels, the listeners get the portrait or thought fast of what is being talked about.

Disadvantages of Verbal communication

The opening characteristic concentrates on the uncertainty of the genuine and fake in olden times and religion. Basing on religion, people realize that the life narrative and childhood of Jesus and Muhammad have similarities. Muslims normally narrates that Muhammad’s biological mother; Amina was literally visited by an angel named Gabriel. On the other side, Christians also narrate a story on how Jesus’ mother, Mary was, at night, visited by an angel barring the same name. Basically, if it is not for the printed texts such as the Koran and Bible, these two diverse religions would be at war with regards to who copied who.

For myths and stories regarding the lost territories, kingdoms and cities are narrated by grandparents verbally, listeners are doubtful about the actual survival of the prehistoric lands together with their previous fame. For instance, a number of Greek people assert that a city referred to as Atlantis existed. They add that it had infinite furnish of gold, valuable stones and foodstuff.  One day it went down to the earth, never to reappear again. Generally, without written material supporting this information, then it is very tricky to confirm its survival to some individuals like mythical scholars.

Verbal communication, as a means of sending information, is identified for its dishonor in distorting messages. For instance in business, a number of industries have failed because of presenting wrong information. Consequently, due to such risky mistakes, a number of businesses have embraced current devices such as computers to enhance accurate communication. On the other hand, in social life, acquaintances and relatives have become slaves of rumors; as a result, this has split their companionship and affiliation without knowing the basis of the rumor.

Because of the same dangerous occupations such as the military, this type of communication has been imperfect in that sector because of risks like plugging of the listener's communication instrument or being overheard by the opponent.

Institutions such as universities have problems in training learners due to relying greatly on oral communication. Due to this difficulty,

lecturers who teach courses focused mainly on hypothesis in form of speech noted that the only means to explain a point from these courses is by using gestures and body language in expressing a reaction, mood, and size. The present world has become sophisticate; as a consequence, verbal communication in teaching, institutes have equally become unreliable due to a huge increment in written material.

Advantages of Written communication

 People have benefited from this type of communication by reading a book, weekly production, journal or other printed papers. This type of communication technique has assisted readers in acquiring knowledge regarding a specific subject or condition.

The second aspect is that is has extended the possibility of education all over the earth. With the accessibility of reading resources for all learners in all level of learning institutions, the efficiency of learning has drastically enhanced in almost every division of the world. Developing countries have also benefited from this type of learning skill, through written resources.

Additionally, unlike telecommunication and other current types of communication, written communication is affordable in terms of operating cost.

To send a letter to a person living far away from their home, an individual can write a note and take it to post office and charged less for sending their message. On the contrary, modern equipment such as the computer has proved to be more expensive in terms of affordability.

Written communication encompasses writing of information on a variety of materials; consequently, the written information might be stored in libraries for future reference.

Contrary to oral communication where information is at times is distorted; the written material cannot change the initial meaning. Scientists have managed to unravel a lot of ancient mysteries through the use of written material which illustrates what occurred in a specific place.

Contrasting to the oral background and civilization where folklore, fables, and allegory were deployed to communicate a specific message by ancestors, prehistoric libraries such as the house of Alexandria kept the information, which was considered vital.

During that era, a philosopher typically narrated their awareness to a crowd of writers, who noted the information they heard in written form the ancient written material plays a vital role in the present world as they help scholars in writing meaningful information regarding the life of prehistoric leaders.

A disadvantage of written communication

Storage plays a vital role in ensuring that written information stays for long. Basically, f written information is not stored well or cared for, the information might be lost or distorted. Several incidents involving fire tends to occur, as result libraries and other places used for storing vital information usually vanish in the fire. Literates are considered the only individuals who can effectively deploy this type of communication almost everywhere.

Non-verbal communication

According to specialists, a considerable portion of daily communication is considered nonverbal. Every day, people reply to thousands of nonverbal signals and behaviors comprising facial expression, postures, gestures, and tonal variation. From peoples handshakes to their hairstyles, nonverbal facts disclose who people are and influence how people relate to other individuals.

Facial Expressions

Facial expressions, in most cases, are accountable for a huge amount of nonverbal communication. For instance, specific information might be put across with a frown or smile.

The look on an individual face is frequently the initial thing people tend to see, even before people listen to what they have to speak. Whereas nonverbal communication and conduct might differ noticeably between cultures, the facial expressions for gladness, sadness, fear, and anger, are alike throughout the entire world.

Gestures

Intentional movements and signals are a vital method to communicate a specific meaning without spoken words. Universal gestures comprise pointing, waving, and using fingers to signify numeric figures. Other common gestures are arbitrary and are usually related to a diverse culture.

For instance, in courtroom scenery, advocates have been recognized to use different nonverbal signals to try to influence juror views. A lawyer may look at his watch to propose that the opposite lawyer's case is dull or may even roll their eyes at the evidence presented by an eyewitness in an effort to dent their reliability. These nonverbal signs are perceived as powerful and significant that a number of judges even place restrictions on what form of nonverbal behaviors are permitted in the courtroom.

Paralinguistic

This generally refers to vocal communication that is not the same as a real language. This comprises aspects such as tone of an individual’s voice, intensity, intonation, and pitch. For instance, put into Consideration the influential effect that tone of voice might have on the implication of a sentence.

If said in a loud tone of voice, viewers may understand consent and passion. When same words said in a doubtful tone it may express displeasure and a lack of concern.

Consider all the diverse ways that merely changing people voice may change the implication of a given sentence. For example, a person may ask a friend how they are doing, and they may answer with the typical "I'm fine," however how they essentially utter those words may disclose a great amount of how they are actually feeling. Ideally, a low tone of voice may propose that a person is truly not fine, although they do not wish to talk about it.

On the contrary, a bright, joyful tone of voice shall disclose that the person is truly doing pretty well. On the other hand, a solemn, depressed tone would show that the person is the opposite of okay and that perhaps the friend should find out further.

Body Language and Posture

An individual’s Posture and general movement might also express a big deal of information. Study on body language has developed considerably since prehistoric days; however, well-known media have concentrated on the over-interpretation of protective postures, arm, and leg crossing.  Whereas these nonverbal acts can show thoughts and attitudes, the study indicates that body language is far more restrained and less perfect than formerly believed.

Proxemic

Individuals often refer to the need for personal space which is as well a vital style of nonverbal communication. The level of space people needs, and the level of space people tend to perceive as belonging to them are swayed by several factors comprising social models, intellectual potential, situational aspects, personality distinctiveness and level of knowledge. For instance, the amount of individual space required when having an informal talk with another person frequently varies from one to four feet. On the contrary, the individual distance required when talking to a group of people is approximately eight to twelve feet.

Eye Gaze

The human eyes play an important role in nonverbal communication and such aspects as staring looking and blinking are considered significant nonverbal acts.

When individuals meet persons or things that they adore, the pace of blinking goes up and pupils enlarge. On the other hand, staring at another individual may show a variety of emotions comprising hostility, concern, and desirability.

Individuals as well employ eye gaze as a way to conclude if someone is being sincere. Usual, fixed eye contact is frequently taken as an indication that someone is telling the reality and is dependable. Deceitful eyes and failure to keep eye contact, on the contrary, is often perceived as a pointer that somebody is dishonest or being misleading.

 Haptics

Communicating by use of touch is another essential nonverbal conduct. There have been considerable amounts of study on the significance of touch in childhood and infancy. For instance, a Baby raised by a negligent mother experiences lasting deficits in conduct and social relations. Touch generally might be used to communicate love, awareness, compassion, and other related emotions.

On the other hand, touch is similarly used as a technique to communicate both position and authority.

Researchers have established that high-status persons tend to attack other people's individual space with superior rate and strength than lower-status persons.

Gender differences as well play a part in how individuals use touch to bring out the intended meaning.

 Appearance

People’s preference of color, outfits, hairstyles and other aspects affecting appearance are as well regarded as a way of nonverbal communication. Research has confirmed that diverse colors might suggest different personal moods. In addition, Appearance might also change physiological responses, judgments, and understanding. 

For instance, just imagine all the restrained decision people rapidly make about somebody based on their look. These initial impressions are vital, that is why specialists propose that work seekers dress properly for interviews with likely employers.

Researchers have also established that appearance might play a part in how individuals are viewed and even how much money they make. For example, a study carried out on attorneys establishes that attorneys who were perceived as more gorgeous than their workmates earned practically more than those viewed as less good-looking. Culture is a significant sway on how appearances are viewed. While slenderness tends to be respected in Western cultures, a number of African cultures associate full-figured people to superior health, prosperity, and social class.

Artifacts

Items and images are as well as tools that might be deployed to communicate nonverbally. On an online discussion, for instance, people might pick an avatar to symbolize their distinctiveness online and to converse information concerning who they are and the things they adore. People frequently spend a huge deal of time creating a particular picture and surrounding themselves with items planned to transmit information regarding the things that are vital to them. Uniforms, for instance, may be applied to transmit a marvelous amount of information regarding an individual. A warrior shall put on fatigues, a police force will dress in uniform, and a physician shall dress in a white lab coat. From a bigger perspective, a simple glance of this attire tells everybody what an individual does as an occupation.

Chapter 5: Decode the Emotions of the Face

The capability to precisely understand facial expressions of sentiment is of primary significance for people to collectively interrelate with other individuals. Facial expressions speak important Information from which people can swiftly infer the actual state of mind of people and change behavior consequently. Emotions are characteristically set into six collectively recognized aspects. As a decoder, the mind at first analyzes the sentiment information imposed on the retina into several filters, all preferentially tuned to a combined regularity band. Spatial balances are consequently excellent candidates as creating blocks to establish the following classifications of facial expressions.

Conceptualizing how to interpret and understand micro expressions is a crucial element of comprehending nonverbal conduct and reading individuals. A micro expression is considered a short, instinctive facial expression that emerges on a person’s face with regards to the sentiments being experienced. Contrasting to regular, extended facial expressions, it is hard to fake a micro expression.

People’s facial expressions are considered one of the most significant nonverbal habits people communicate. Generally, with fourthly three diverse muscles, human being faces are able to make more than ten thousands expressions, a lot of them dating back to prehistoric primitive eras. Even human smile, a number of researchers say, developed from the style primates’ displays their teeth to discuss the social class or to create supremacy. 

And whereas every face has its own exceptional technique of presenting feelings, there is a little specific expression that keeps emerging, despite a person’s age, language, race, or faith. There are generally six fundamental feelings that are hardwired in people’s brains and are visible on their faces.

Psychological study has classified six facial expressions which match up to separate common emotions, namely disgust, surprise, sadness, fear, happiness, and anger. It is fascinating to realize that four out of the basic six are regarded as negative feelings.

The following is a rundown of the most common widespread emotions, how they appear and why people are purely hardwired to convey them in different ways.

Anger

This type of facial expression is characterized by specific Facial movements. Specifically, the Eyebrows are pulled down, the upper eyelids are pulled up, the lower eyelids are pulled up, the limits of lips are rolled inwards, and lips might be tightened

Annoyance face operates so well since each facial movement literally makes an individual appear physically stronger, as per the researchers. Additionally, this face lets the immediate setting know people mean what they say. It is considered one of the most influential sentiments and it indicates just how expressive a person’s face might be. On the other hand, this facial expression serves as a caution, whether it's plainly to frighten or to indicate that an argument has started.  

Fear

This form of facial expression employs a different style of facial movements. During this state of expression, Eyebrows are normally pulled up and together, the upper eyelids are pulled up and mouth usually stretched. Every fear-related facial movement alerts people to run away or rather flight reaction. This facial expression takes advantage of the mode of people’s bodies operates. On the other hand, widening the eyes opens up people field of visualization,

permitting in more brightness and lets people see the intimidation around them. Additionally, the same may be noted for human oxygen intake. Equally Opening the nostrils increases the oxygen inhalation and helps people prepare to run away or fight.

Disgust

This form of facial expression embraces a different type of Facial movement as well. During this process the Eyebrows are pulled downwards, the nose crumpled, the upper lip normally pulled upwards and lips are loose.

Generally, the disgust face does not just indicate people dislike; on the other hand, it also functions to protect people. Wrinkling the whole nose blocks the nasal channel defending it from hazardous fumes and squeezing the eyes protects them from harm.

Happiness

This facial expression similarly has its unique facial movements. The procedure triggers the Muscle near the eyes to tighten, wrinkles above and below the eyes, the cheeks are raised, and the lip corners are raised transversely.

Regardless of the welcoming suggestion, researchers suppose the smiles may have a more sinister basis. A lot of primates expose their teeth to declare their supremacy and lock down their rank in their social formation. A number of researchers think it is that nonverbal symbol that ultimately evolved into a genuine smile.

Sadness

Identical with other types of facial expression, this type of nonverbal communication has its different Facial movements. Generally, the interior corners of eyebrows are raised, the eyelids are loose, and the lip corners are pulled downwards.

In many cases, Sadness is considered hard to fake, as per the researchers. From a general point of view, one of the telltale symbols of sorrow is the interior brow raise, which few individuals do on command. 

Surprise

There are specific Facial movements that usually accompany this type of facial expression. Normally, the whole eyebrow is pulled upwards, the eyelids are pulled upwards, mouth usually hangs wide open, and the pupils dilated.

Whereas the astonish expression may only last for a while, the facial movements, specifically the raised eyebrows,  permit people to understand the surroundings, move the concentration to something else, probably threatening occurrence, and react faster. Whether it is an excellent or terrible surprise, the facial result is normally the same.

Contempt

Just like any other form of facial expression contempt has its specific Facial movements. During this process of facial expression, the eyes are neutral with the one lip corner pulled upwards and backward on one side.

Though the emotion of disapproval can overlap with annoy and mistrust, the facial expression is exceptional. It is the single expression that happens on only the single side of the face and can differ in intensity. While At its strongest intensity, one brow might lower as the lower eyelid and the lip corner rise on the identical side. On the contrary, at its most secret, the lip corner may only rise temporarily.

Micro expression

Conclusion about the universality of facial expressions of feeling and the continuation of micro-expressions can assist people in a variety of professions requiring face to face communications develop their proficiency in interpretation of the emotions of other people. Analysis of facial expressions of sentiments, and particularly micro-expressions, may aid the growth of a relationship, reliance, and collegiality. On the other hand, they might be helpful in making reliability assessments, calculating honesty and detecting dishonesty. Additionally, better information regarding emotional states offers the foundation for superior teamwork, negotiation, and business sales.

Health experts can build up a better relationship with patients; interrelate kindly with understanding and consideration. In addition, they might make the right conclusion by obtaining inclusive information. Instructors can examine the emotions of their learners to find cues regarding the development of their lesson plans so they might regulate consequently and deliver them more successfully.

School managers who interpret the emotions of their trainers can decrease burnout and uphold and develop teacher efficiency.

Businesspersons and mediators who can study the emotions of other people can cultivate equally helpful collaborations. Produce researchers might improve the qualitative statistics they acquire from customers by analysis consumer’s emotions when examining products, giving clues as to what they really feel regardless of what they state about it. Guardians, spouses, associates, and everybody with concern in building strong and helpful relationships might profit from improving their capability to interpret emotions.

Lying Through Facial Expression

Individuals frequently get emotional when they instinctively lie, particularly when the risks are high. These feelings can happen because of the panic of getting trapped, guilt or disgrace about the incident lied about, or because a person loves the idea of effectively lying to other people, particularly those in positions of power.

Facial expressions, particularly micro-expressions, might be symbols of these emotions and the capability to notice them might be significant for persons working in law enforcement, public safety, intelligence, or the lawful system. persons and institutions with interests in identifying lies have deployed programs they have created that are based on news that has been validated in scientific study and conversant by law enforcement experience experiential in the actual world by officers and representatives who have closely operated with the research team.

Learning how to decode facial expression

The instructor-led guidance programs entail a blend of educational, person, and group-based participatory training. Expertise pioneer trainees to information about the nature of feelings. Facial language, micro-expressions, and other related nonverbal behaviors comprising voice, sign, stare, and posture is also put into consideration. On the other hand, the nature of legitimacy telling and dishonest and the nonverbal gestures related with both are examined as well.

Trainees utilize the training paraphernalia to develop their skills at analysis micro- and restrained facial expressions of feelings. Additionally, they put these brand new skills and information together by reviewing videos of real interviews or grilling, noticing what they have not been getting. They frequently discover over the way of the guidance that they are capable of seeing and understanding the behavior that they earlier could not appreciate or had misread.  These supplementary skills assist them to discover ground reality in authentication, depositions, dialogues, and interrogations. These fresh ability sets to complement their existing proficiency sets, not alternate for them, and assist trainees to be more precise and more competent in their occupations.

Analyzing micro expression

The examinations of this category are carried out by a number of organizations including the FBI and associates of the armed forces on a scheduled basis to evaluate the legality of a variety of sources of information. On the other hand, what is particularly useful regarding micro expression scrutiny is that it is a collectively relevant tool. This implies that it might be used on each individual on the earth regardless of sex, race, faith, or place.

When somebody is pleased, they smile, whether they are five months or twenty years old, black or white, gentleman or lady, in Asia or in Africa. Even sightless persons share the same accurate expressions although they cannot see their personal faces or those of others.

Human faces involuntarily vary to externally mirror the feelings and there is literally nothing people can do to stop this, at least not immediately. As a result, micro expression analysis shall always be legitimate approaches for weighing people’s emotions.

Another advantage, this form of scrutiny might be performed with slight to no previous knowledge about the individual to which it is being used. Other types of lie recognition, such as verbal analysis regularly need the contrast of what is considered the ordinary behavior of a person to how that normalcy vary and why.

Micro expressions offer an even better gift to the person analyzing and the one it is being applied on. They disclose not only if individuals’ words resemble their correct thoughts, but just what their thoughts are.

On the other hand, If the name of a casualty is mentioned and a flash of repulsion or disapproval flashes upon somebody’s face while they orally express love not only have they been found in a lie; it is currently recognized that they feel hate, even disgust, toward the individual.  As a consequence, they are not just treated as a verified undependable source, but they are now regarded as a suspect.

The mirroring conduct

The expressions people see in the faces of other people connect to a number of diverse cognitive processes. On the other hand, Emotional expressions extract speedy responses, which frequently reproduce the sentiment in the observed face. As a result, these effects might even happen for faces presented in such a manner that the viewer is not sensitive to them.

People are, in addition, very excellent at openly recognizing and recounting the emotion being articulated.

The latest study regarding the different person and humanoid machine facial expressions, propose that individuals can distinguish the expressions made by the machine clearly, but might not illustrate the involuntary, implied response. On a different note, the emotional expressions displayed by different faces are not purely automatic, but also have a talkative constituent. For instance, empathic expressions of hurting are not plainly a reflexive reaction to the picture of pain in the other person, because they are overstated when the empathizer recognizes that they are being looked at. This implies that it gives the impression that people want others to know that they are empathic. Of exceptional significance amongst facial expressions are the ostensive signals such as the eyebrow flicker, which show the purpose to communicate. Generally, these gestures specify, first, that the communicator is to be trusted and, next, that whichever following gestures are of value to the recipient.

Advantages of the mirror act

There are countless advantages of mirroring deeds. For instance, in the situation of the speech, the mirroring generates a better position of the communicants, with regards to vocabulary and sentence structure, which make it possible to easily communicate. Experiments on the replication of signal during conversations demonstrate that the individual imitated feels more welcoming towards the other presenter and consequently acts in a more social way.

However, these consequences perhaps only take place when the individual is unconscious of the replication. This is an exciting case where the consequence of signals appears to be very diverse, basing on whether or not they are deliberately perceived.

Ideas regarding the returns accruing from the unaware imitation of facial language are more provisional. The view of a terrified face is expected to be a prompt that there is something to be scared of and that the viewer should consequently be watchful. In addition, the facial appearance of fright enhances caution. This implies that the enlarging of the eyes increases the amount of the visual region, whereas the widening of the nose increases inhalation capacity and boosts the sense of smell.

Therefore, by replicating the expression of fright people boost their understanding of sensory gestures and become more attentive.

By contrast, the appearance of disgust is a prompt that there are a number of harmful substances to be evaded. The facial appearance of disgust has the contradictory consequence to that of fright. The eyes are lessened, reducing the dimension of the visual region, and the nose is crumpled, thinning the nasal passages and lessening the exposure to the surrounding smells. By emulating the look of disgust, people decrease the consequence of possible harmful stimuli.

Eye gaze

It is basically not just facial expressions of feeling that are processed quickly and without consciousness. Stare direction is an additional significant facial indication when observing the behavior of other people.

People are literary very susceptible to eye gaze direction and might discover the objective of the gaze with huge precision. This skill enables people to realize who or what individuals are looking at and might disclose their interests and purposes.

Eye gaze direction has been on several occasions deployed as a signal on secret attention responsibilities. For instance, volunteers have to detect an objective that appears temporarily to the left or right of a specific. Before the staging of the target, a middle cue is offered, for instance, a rocket pointing either on the right or left. The response time to detect the object is modulated by the signal, being quicker when the prompt is similar to the object site and slower when it is different.

A characteristically congruent signal is presented in approximately 80% of trials and different cues on 20% of the experiment. In case a face with eyes staring left or right is employed as the prompt, the same congruency consequence is found. Outstandingly, however, this congruency result happens even if the eyes gaze constantly looked in the incorrect direction.

Other researchers used a sequence of faces as a signal in a covert attention mission. The eye gaze trend in a number of faces was constantly matching with the site of the subsequent target, whereas other faces constantly looked in a different direction. The outcome of gaze at the moment of detecting targets was unchanged by the distinctiveness of the varied faces. Generally, volunteers looked in the direction pointed out by the eye stare, even for the faces of persons who constantly looked in the mistaken direction. Generally, this outcome suggests that people’s tendency to go after the gaze direction of other people is involuntary and hard to suppress. In addition, volunteers did discover something regarding the persons. On the other hand, the faces that constantly gave unacceptable cues were ranked as less reliable.

The learning of facial expressions exemplifies very adequately how behavior may develop into a complicated communication scheme. At first, the facial appearance of fright has straight behavioral advantages for the performer, because widening the eyes, for instance, increases the visual prospect, and as a result, increasing the probability of detecting an indication of threat.

This appearance then becomes communal information that the viewer might apply as a signal to be watchful. In the subsequent step, the performer becomes capable to manage the sending of a gesture that was before emitted accidentally.

On the other hand, through such control, the person can express sadness and humiliation as a means of appeasing violence in other people. Lastly, both the performer and the recipient become conscious that they are exchanging gesture and that these may be used for intentional communication. At this point, the gesture requires no longer be attached to their unique behavioral function. They may be illogically related to the meaning, making the improvement of language likely.

The discernment of emotions and the acknowledgment of facial expressions play a decisive role in social communication between people.

The human face speaks a huge deal of information, comprising vibrant features, such as a person’s inner emotional condition, and motionless features, such as an individual’s uniqueness.

Two key views have emerged from the research of how facial expressions are perceived and processed the discrete group outlook and the dimensional assumption.

According to the discrete type observation, essential facial expressions express discrete and exact emotions. Equally, the dimensional analysis suggests that the psychological representation of emotional space comprise of continuous fundamental dimensions in which comparable emotions are grouped together whereas different ones are grouped separately.

The eyes might be the opening to the soul, however, the expression on a person’s face report each of their brief emotional condition. As thoughts of concern, pleasure, and positivity pass through a person mind, they inform individual facial muscles how to react. On the other hand, People with an excellent poker face might conceal those feelings, however, for the usual person, there is some leakage.

Expressions are expected to be false when they are irregular, the period of expression is either too extensive or too small, or the timing of the appearance in relation to the talking is not coordinated.

The face may also be a priceless source of information for noticing deceit, as the human face may lie and tell the reality. On the other hand, the face can often do both at the same time.

Micro expressions usually last less than a single second, occasionally as fast as less than of a second. In addition, micro expressions are symbols of hidden emotions that reveal out when individuals are in high-stake conditions however are trying to manage their thoughts.  In high stake, implies that conditions where it is significant whether the individual displays an emotion. For instance, somebody being interrogated for work, the candidate is provoked to come across well in order to get the job, so if they are feeling a depressing emotion such as dislike or disgust during the meeting, they are expected to try to conceal it which in turn comes out in the shape of a micro expression.

Do individuals give fake indicators? What may these appear like?  This is normally the question some people tend to ask with regard to facial expressions.

However, the genuine answer to those questions is, the face does not lie. Therefore, if somebody is trying to fake all smiles but feeling irritation within, the face will prove it in some manner. In addition, the eyes are an excellent indicator, for this case one should look closely to the eyes.

Look if their eyes as well jovial, by observing the following features of the eyes, rising the crinkles around the crows' feet region when smiling

Straight questions are considered good as long as the interrogator know what the person’s answer would be under usual situation versus under analysis would be.

Basically, when the interrogator starts their questions, they might observe the facial expressions and body language of the person under study that is not usually there. In addition, the person interrogating, should Keep in mind, they might be performing in another way as they feel not guilty and under assault also. Consequently, the person examining should not be so violent or accusing in their questions. This implies that the more at ease the person under scrutiny is, the less they will recognize what the interrogator is doing, and the simpler it will be to notice any alteration in behavior on specific questions.

Chapter 6: How to Seduce With Body Language and Verbal Communication

As social creatures, human beings have a long history of applying a number of nonverbal signals to demonstrate an interest in other people or to enquire if other individuals are interested in them. In the present day, with the modern behavior, this has to turn out to be more complicated, though the certain prehistoric gesture is still there and may be used with unbelievable consequences. Seduction is not restricted to attracting the differing sex or the identical sex depending on an individual’s sexual orientation.

On the other hand, the art of seduction is regarding getting other people attracted to other people so they have more power over their affiliation with them. Additionally, Seduction is a control game, which in most cases is played at all levels of social life.

There are varied reasons why different sets of people play this game. For instance, a man might desire to seduce a lady to take her to bed. On the other hand, a woman may crave to seduce a wealthy gentleman so she might have a contented financial lifestyle. From a different perspective, a singer might want to seduce the audience with their charm so they may sell their music. Similarly,

a politician might fancy seducing the supporters to get the required votes to enable them to win an electoral seat.

Seduction is to convince, or rather to corrupt someone to do something one desires.

Seduction may be regarded as both positive and negative. From a broader point of view, positively might be about appealing to somebody, making somebody feel excellent or reducing their needless fears. On the other hand, negatively might be using the lure to mislead individuals and get them to do something that they might not usually do.

In the current world, people tend to deploy a series of body language and verbal skills to help them use the art of seduction in a constructive manner to get them what they want.

Seduction and the commonly referred to as the Art of Seduction by some scholars is loaded with ambiguities and obvious negations.

At a time, it is regarded as so much that it might almost be perceived as a paradoxical occurrence. Comparable to rape, to which it is often compared, it is unquestionably manipulative. However, while its different stratagems might at times be related to those of rape, it is fundamentally about procedure and persuasion versus intimidation, physical force, and aggression.

More significant still, the pretense and machinations distinguishing seduction are not completely single sided. Its execution characteristically involves one individual, customarily the male, in the part of subjugator and the other person, usually the lady, reacting passively as the subdued. While in rape there is obviously an executor and casualty. However, by its very description, seduction means positive mutuality, encompassing at least a number of degrees of approval. In most cases the seducer is considered gentleman or lady, though for simplicity’s sake many usually will refer to the gentleman as seducer as contrasting, that is, to the lady as a seductress.

Apart from in sexual fantasies produced by the libido or rather ego stimulated wish to be charismatically preferred, it may carefully be asserted that nobody ever prefers to be raped. On the other hand, there are a lot of persons who secretly crave for the pleasure, the thrill, the peculiarly of being the desirable object of other people’s lust. This implies that there are times when the person being seduced, can essentially be viewed as illogically complicit with the seducer. Additionally, also ironically, if the person being seduced is considered a virgin, the incorruptibility, artless, uncontaminated and ingenuous may carry its own influential seductive attraction. For instance, few men would oppose that a youthful lady not yet deflowered can project a greatly more tempting, and enticing, eroticism than any hardcore, provoking dressed prostitute.

Furthermore, though at its nastiest, seduction may be seen as disgracefully repressive, it really cannot be described as challenging, intimidating, or coercive. Moderately, it is charming, luring, tempting. And whereas it never begins as consensual, eventually it concludes in that manner. In common sense, it is like a concession to a delicious piece of chocolate.

Basically, nobody aimed a gun at a person and forcefully bullied them to eat it. However there it was right in front of them and just so tempting that ultimately it purely overwhelmed their will to refuse to accept.

It might be supposed that seduction pleads not to the seducer’s higher, more ethical self but to their more spontaneous, romantic, sumptuous self. And this might be why the feeling following their seduction might be total regret. The extra positive feature of their ambivalence now confirmed the negative element might well recover prominence.

Generally, this might be likely if, following the encounter, the person seduced comes to consider their surrender as reflecting individual fault as their giving in caved to other people’s desire. In addition, people might come to know that they are being ardently made love to not at all signify that they were cherished or cared about.

However, the emotional result of being seduced might also contrast harshly to a person being seduced knowledge of being taken advantage of. For instance, for a number of women, mostly those whose virginity was still unbroken during the occasion might essentially feel freer or sexually liberated by this exceptionally touching experience of letting themselves be used by other people.

On the other hand, perhaps the person being seduced had been distressed earlier by religious, communal, illogical or overblown worries of sexually yielding themselves to other people. Nevertheless, what they encountered in their submission, and in allowing themselves an extraordinary expression of their sensuality, may have felt like a pleasant liberation, particularly if the seducer confirmed genuine interest in their pleasure.

Additionally, they may have experienced a wonderful sense of influence in their feminine seductiveness, one that possibly they could never before realize or treasured.

Generally, all this indicates the curious paradoxes or coating of seemingly contrary meaning that might typify an experience able to affect people in several ways. People may claim that seduction is just seduction and constantly comprehensible in terms of one individual exploiting another person. However, given the various complexities of human nature, that assumption appears oversimplified.

On the other hand, it should nowadays be clear that at some point the person being seduced assented to be seduced, that they had a specific positive venture in the incident or else, of course, it would be considered rape.

All the fairly probably positive response to seduction makes every black and white understanding of the mark.  It is definitely significant that the innovative, Latin fabricated meaning of seducing is regarded as to lead astray as from responsibility, righteousness, or the like basically to corrupt. In addition, this morally focused description helps account for the implications of the term.

However conscious of it they might be, a lot of persons from both sexes desire to be seduced. They appreciate the concentration it would give or its delightful, appetizing plea to their senses or the fulfillment of perceiving themselves as erotically tempting; or, particularly, the pleasure of the other individual’s so much desiring, craving for physical intimacy with them. Generally, this frequently repeated quote speaks volumes as recounts to the inherent art of seduction of women as well as the influential seductive propensities of testosterone-oriented men. Additionally, it is barely a coincidence that flirtatious behaviors have been connected quite as much to ladies as they have to gentlemen, and ingeniously joking behaviors even more so.

In the huge list of human experiences, powerful sexual arousal is unquestionably among the most thrilling, at times, even stimulating. This is the motive that so many people seek it and also clarifies why online pornography is so well-liked and might straightforwardly become addictive. Depending on its fundamental motives and result, it may be definitely negative and, at its tremendous, result in condensed self-esteem, body image troubles, sexual nervousness, or despair. However, it may also be outstandingly satisfying and not just for the seducer but also the person being seduced. Generally, both sets of people might find it expressively, as well as erotically satisfying and providing a high capacity of permanent significantly beyond the real encounter.

Factors to Be Considered While Seducing

Never Manipulate

Ladies and gentlemen do not like to be influenced. From a larger perspective, it usually signals that either associate is straightforwardly fooled. As a matter of fact, genuine relationship occurs in a vacuum, and every partner brings their past to the discussion table. As a consequence, manipulation might bring an extremely charged emotion.

It is therefore advisable to avoid any kind of manipulation during the procedure of seduction.

Independence

Generally, nobody adores a needy or overlying person in a relationship. Gentlemen, in particular, do not like to feel controlled or to some level, put under immense pressure. If a lady is controlling, they might remind men of their mother, and men do not desire to be in a sexual relationship with the mother. Further, neediness, for many people communicates submissive aggression. As a result, it is significant when meeting somebody and dating them for the first time to sit back and locate an individual center or rather a personal source. People should not stay by the phone; instead, they should get hobbies and interests that they enjoy taking part in. These may offer them not only valid subjects to speak about, but matters to do that are attractive. In case they get a life; they may share that personal life discussion. As a result, this simply serves to make them more appealing and thrilling.

Be Yourself

If people put on a fabricated behavior with the individual they are dating, they will never understand if they care for the real person. Additionally, mutuality is vital during seduction, so the person has to be in apposition to count on the person they are meeting and their maturity. To be intimate requires honesty and emotional accessibility. It is accurate that people who are considered open are more susceptible; though, no danger, no reward. Consequently, one should not play games and they should not literally play hard to get. Incase people play games, their date shall play with somebody else.

Switch the Phone Off

During the seduction process, both parties should make eye contact and pay attention to enthusiastically. People normally, do not like when a date is abstracted and neither focused on them or on the occasion. This act is usually regarded as discounting and abusive. On the other hand, when on a date, people should not scan the area searching for or literally flirting with other people. A key component of seduction is to value and authenticate the person people are with, and if they are not concentrating, they will miss the occasion by giving the mistaken feeling.

Spontaneous

While on a seductive motive, be good-humored, enjoy the moment and have excitement. This conduct opens an individual to their genuine and indispensable self, which is the most eye-catching an individual will ever be. Basically, the originality of an individual gives out all those good defenseless vibes of magnetism. Further, liveliness indicates a flirty and teasing approach that is non-violent.

Sense of Humor

A high-quality sense of humor shows good traits, and there is nothing sexier in a gentleman or a lady. While on a seduction mission, people should not, take things too seriously or individually, and they should not be reactive; rather they should be an excellent sport, and prove that they can take joking as well as disapproval.

Get Personal

People should find ways to be close that have extraordinary meaning for just the two of them. For instance, consider writing letters, romantic notes, and send amusing cards. This act adds to expectation, enjoyable and mystery.

Relax

In most cases, people tend to get fed up easily; as a result, Stress reduction is so significant during seduction. Ideally, not only must the seducer be calm, but they desire to have a friendly character that helps their partner calm down. In case the seducer has problems in this region, they must learn to contemplate; they should do progressive recreation exercises, take a stroll, listen to their favorite music and most significantly, get adequate sleep.  In most cases, Children tend to get cranky when they do not have sufficient sleep, and so are grown-ups. A well-rested and stress-free individual might handle all types of complex situations.

Listen and Show Interest

While on the seduction mission, the seducer should ask about their potential panter’s life story before they spill all the beans regarding their own life. People like conversing with reference to them and like telling people who they really are. If an individual is a good listener, they will pay attention to everything. Keep in mind that trust is based on familiarity. As result, when it is the seducers turn to speak, it is better to assess what they share, then they would not feel upset or betrayed if their potential partner is not worthy of their trust.

Good Hygiene

People should pay good attention to their look, their breath, and their body cleanliness. Irrespective of how attractive people are, if their hygiene is unpleasant, they will in no way get the next date. Additionally, regardless of what the seducer have heard, if they do not take pride in their appearance, they might be dealing with uncertainty or low self-respect.

Body Language

 The seducers body language points out whether they are self-assured or not.  Consequently, the seducer should be positive, smiling and have an affirmative attitude. On the other hand, the seducer should not exceed flirting. In case the seducer flirts with everybody, no one shall feel exceptional, valued or important.

Lastly, there is a fine line connecting tolerance and determination. The seducer ought to give their potential partner a chance to be open and never put too much pressure or hurry the person under pursuing. Seduction, in many situations, is all in people’s head, so how they present themselves is how other people will perceive them.

Seducing A Man

Seducing a gentleman might seem like an impossible obstacle, particularly if a lady is not familiar with high-quality flirting and seduction skills.

Be real in the seduction procedure from a general perspective, most gentleman would have the same opinion that aside from the external qualities, character and confidence is paramount in seduction. In addition, nothing is more appealing than a lady who conducts herself well and radiates sex appeal. This implies somebody who is contented in her own skin and who recognizes what she wants from a gentleman.

Posture

A lady perusing a gentleman can instantaneously appear more seductive by purely keeping her shoulders backward, chin upwards and making the correct eye contact. In case the seduction process falls deep into the night, do not forget that the correct clothing might give the lady an advantage as well.

This does not imply that the entire body has to be on put on a show, but a flattering outfit might go a long way in influencing a gentleman.

For the majority gentleman, it does not even matter if the lady is plus size or rather too bigger than they fancy. If men are looking at a lady, the literary want what the lady has.

Profile Pictures Must Be Tasteful

Men might be grateful for images of scantily dressed women, but they are more inclined to prefer a lady who is more restrained when they are serious. Occasionally, ladies tend to post their pictures that should be covered up.  In such cases, they tend to attract the immoral type of gentleman. In addition, many men find irresistible when ladies leave more to the imagination in their profile photos

State Your Goals

If the lady knows what they are into and what turns them on, they should tell the gentleman, even if it is just in a joking manner, but it should actually really mean it. A number of women might undervalue the supremacy of seduction through expressions.  For many men, there is nothing more appealing than listening to what a lady wants and what turns her on, consequently, this really gets a gentleman thinking about sexual feelings.

For Introverted Ladies, Speak Low
The gentleman will have to incline in to listen to the lady, which generates a tiny, close place for the lady and gentleman. A number of men tend to find quiet ladies more attractive.

The Influence of a Plain Touch
This does not necessarily mean grabbing the gentleman’s bicep; however, a small tap on his hand or lap might set that glow into a full-on blaze.  The body likes to be touched and not only shall this trigger the hair on the gentlemen neck rise, but it is as well a bit spontaneous since the man would not be anticipating it.

Be Spontaneous
Generally, being seductive is all regarding spontaneity. In addition, nothing spoils an intimate occasion faster than overthinking thing.  Many men days and nights throughout the week so schedule that it is extremely seductive when a lady surprises them with an unanticipated visit, weekend outing plans, or even just an unprompted phone call.

Avoid Arrogance
On several occasions, ladies tend to play hard to get when they are perused by men. This, at the time, comprises the arrogant aspect, however when the lady is the seducer, they must omit the aspect of arrogance at all costs. Most gentlemen totally hate it when ladies bash other ladies, particularly when they do not even know each another, or when women act superior to men or that men forcefully deserve them.

On the other hand, seductive assurance is about maneuver without deceit, whereas bashing other ladies might be a turn-off and a mark of uncertainty.

Avoid over Promising and Under Delivering

whereas seducing somebody for the long drag, might need a bit more joking and playing up the anonymity, nothing irritates men more than being fooled with and results in under false pretenses.  During the seduction process, ladies should remember that they are seducing the man, not playing games with him.

Part of the amusement of being with somebody is the chase. Even if the lady and gentleman know accurately where they shall end up at the closing stages, it is rewarding and pleasurable to make a gentleman want the lady.

Seducing Using Body Language

One of the aspects that shall be a deciding feature in gentleman or lady seducing the desired person is their body language.

Generally, Body language is the ideal tool through which the person under pursuing can read the seducer. It will let them about somebody’s attitude and if they are genuinely interested in lady or gentleman. If used suitably, the gentleman, for instance, might assume an alpha male character which ladies will find completely tempting. Each move a person makes, the way they stride, converse and lean give a lot of messages to the person being seduced. As a result, it is fundamental that the seducer should have precise body language.

Eye Contact 

Delicate and significant, just the correct amount of eye contact, upholds a bit too long, and then looking the other side gradually, maybe extremely seductive.  In several studies, seducers who stared into the camera were further victorious at being seductive than those who could not.  Eye contact is regarded as a difficult method of nonverbal communication, however, if applied in the right way it plays a pivotal role. 

Facial Expression 

Individuals who were excellent at being seductive in several studies articulated positive influence and a great deal of this was completed through facial expressions, chiefly the mouth.  A tricky smile, or a concise licking of the mouth, might be fairly seductive.  though, the key is to be slight, and not exceed it.

Posture 

This is regarded as a body language model.  For instance, A clogged off pose, with arms folded, or spinning away from somebody, are clear signs of lack of attention.  Open pose, tilting toward the other individual, with a trivial forward bend, are considered body signals that are very seductive.

Olfaction 

Though researchers did not study the application of cologne, pleasing scents may be seductive in that it may set up an accustomed reaction.

Touch 

In several studies there was literary no touch; however, it is well known from another study that tap is very vital in showing sexual interest.  For instance, a light tapping of the hand, or touch on the knees when seated, might be extremely seductive.

Tone of Voice

The tone of voice, together with correct facial expressions, appeared to be the make or break means in a number of studies for being productively seductive.  Ideally, a malleable, enjoyable tone that conveyed constructive emotion was victorious.  The cruel and depressing tone of voice was not considered as seductive.

Flourishing nonverbal communication is not simple.  It takes a huge deal of exercise, and whereas people spend a lot of time sharpening their verbal communication expertise, they characteristically spend very tiny time developing their nonverbal proficiency.  The excellent news, though, is that with exercise and time, people might become more successful nonverbal communicators, and more proficient of effectively conveying difficult emotions such as seduction.

Chapter 7: Subliminal Persuasion and the Art of Induction

The word subliminal has the meaning of subconscious, concealed or below one’s consciousness levels. Thus, subliminal persuasion is a way of presenting messages to people in such a manner that they receive and even consume it unawares. You will wonder how this works until you gain some insight into the minds of humans.

The Human Mind

The human mind is actually a two-level stage. The subconscious and conscious minds work differently.

The subconscious mind is a pre-programmed system that automatically manifests more than 95%of the daily activities, and is responsible for all the involuntary actions that characterize one’s behaviors. In other words, at the subconscious level, one acts mindlessly i.e. totally mentally effortlessly – without thinking. It rolls into work when the child is fully formed in the womb, and never stops till one die! Reading through this text, for instance, you did move your eyes without thought. Yes? Good.

The conscious mind is a continually self-programming system that runs for barely 5% of the time and controls the voluntary actions that one does. You draw a number of things from this statement. That: i) the conscious mind is creative because it programs itself and ii). It only comes into action when invoked (by the subconscious mind). At the conscious level, one is mindful – analytical and imaginative. The point here is, I guess you’re trying to understand what you just read, yeah? Then your (conscious) mind is at work. And when you did, it silently retreated.

People synthesize facts, evaluate options and create pictures using their conscious mind. In the process of trying to understand stuff, the mind interrogates it and tries to find answers from within or without, and possible resistance sets in here. Subliminal persuasion requires that we feed your subconscious mind by sneaking in information right under the fence of your conscious mind.

I suppose you expressly assumed that you did or not understand the title of this book or chapter, and without giving it further thought, begun reading it (anyway)… And I guess you’re now beginning to really think just how it happened. Read on, there’s more to know.

Techniques of Subliminal Persuasion

Subliminal persuasion takes on any of the following three broad techniques:

Building Rapport

The actual desired result for the persuasion of people is to get them to have a relationship with you. Of course, you are already interested in them, and you want that reciprocated. To achieve this, you begin by agreeing to them and their circumstances. Observe them, show understanding for their plight and match up to their mood. In return, they accept you because they feel comfortable and at ease around you regarding as one of their own and readily open up more and more, and trust is built.

The result of building rapport is a mutual relationship in which effort and benefits are reciprocated. This means that one can accept your offer without resistance, as well as, in good faith, make offers to you. In business, people buy from friends – all factors being equal or not being equal, and they pay not for the commodities because your business isn’t theirs, but for maintenance of the relationship because your personality contributes to theirs.

Great Conversation

Relationships begin at conversation, advance into action, then escalate into deeper conversation. The meaningful conversation breaks people’s mental barriers and makes them helplessly engage in your direction. To achieve this, you must choose the right words that bring good feelings of sufficiency, justification, capability, and possibility. Make them know that they have what it takes, they are right and are therefore able to get what they would want because they deserve it.

Go on and paint to them a picture of what it would feel like getting what they want. Focus on devouring their reasoning – so that they can rationalize choices in your favor, and dominating their mind with tantalizing subconscious feelings of enthusiasm, glory, and comfort.

Be a good listener. You have two ears and one mouth. Pay more attention and get to know what they look for, and then speak partly from their mind, restating some of their desires. They will believe faster. Mind your dressing, show confidence and lay bare your motive to nourish them. Remember, it is not just what you say but how you say it. Use intonation and inflection because they affect meaning.

It is important to prepare and present in every way the whole package that is you into a conversation. The conversation is not just verbal but crucially non-verbal too. Congruence is never compromised. The Chinese say that the messenger is the message. What you seek is not to get an understanding of each other using language, but to bring into effect the power behind language onto both of you –coherence, welfare, and shared purpose.

Effective Suggestion

You may subconsciously know that we try to persuade people toward some objective that is not just about them or us. We want them to embark on a certain course with us. While you may say to them what objective it is, but it is almost impossible to break down every bit of it every single time. In fact, we often want people to discover the nitty-gritty by themselves so that they keep interested in and working at establishing themselves in it.

Choice of venue for a meeting, organization of the meeting place, the kind of people brought along, the time of the year, the month, the date and time of day, the route to the venue, dress code, accessory objects, the lighting, the scents, any paintings or messages, the music, the foods and flavors,

depth of conversation, length of meeting, surprise instances, order and items of discussion, expected departure time… almost any and every aspect of the meeting is part of communication and it suggests something.

Therefore, if you would have higher chances of persuading someone into something, you must ensure that as much as possible, every detail of you and the surrounding is deliberately placed to harmoniously play along. Why? Because, when people associate with good and desirable things during the conversation, they become more open to more new ideas. Also, when they subconsciously realize that they are, by themselves, discovering how interesting a journey is then being told, they exert themselves into it the more. Persuasion is not a onetime but a lifetime venture.

Conversational Hypnosis

Hypnosis has a close meaning with subliminal. When one really concentrates on something so much so that their peripheral awareness is significantly decreased, then their mind is in a state of hypnosis. This is a state in which the mind is less critical and more open because it is learning. Now, that the mind is less critical means that the conscious mind is almost dull. So, it is the subconscious mind that is actively learning – getting reprogrammed! When this activity completes, one is said to have been hypnotized, and they acquire a new behavior.

So conversational hypnosis is when you engage someone in a conversation ensuring that they only very minimally reason along, thereby increasing your chances of success over them without their realization or thought of it.

This also means that for the long that the conversation lasted, you were hypnotizing them. This statement is just icing on the cake and you found it to be amazing, right?

You must by now be asking how this works.

Questions

Generally, questions make people think. If you wanted to sell an idea or a commodity to a person, then ask them to experience its benefits. Give a slight background, and then throw an emotionally charged question. Because, if you say, they doubt but if they think, it is true.

I know you are already thinking of a question you would ask in some scenario out there. But do you not think it would be important to first learn about the other conversational hypnosis strategies?

‘But’ and ‘And’

You have yet to master the skill of conversational hypnosis but reading through this chapter you will soon be on your way. And you will do that by putting this in practice. And when it begins to work for you, will you not be happy to put it to us, even share with others who have this same desire?

‘But’ erases the initial negative part of the statement then redirects someone to see the good you want for them. ‘And’ then you keep building the good. And then you ask them to paint a good mental experience of how they will benefit.

Because

I would like you to read the next statement because there, I will explain what you just read.

You got reading this statement without questioning because, in my request above, I gave you reason. Likewise, giving reason (sometimes any reason whatsoever) has people do what you want. Because the human mind wants things to not just be but make sense.

One means the other

You have been reading through this book until you are here. This means you are finding it useful. And you could recommend it to someone else.

In the first sentence, I simply acknowledged what you are doing (or restated what you just said). Then I put my meaning to it in the second sentence. And because I drew meaning from your action or word, you naturally accepted it. And then I imposed a demand on you could not refuse either.

This strategy makes people feel good doing what you ask them.

Potential Awareness

This method works in such a way that you persuade someone consequentially without trying to persuade them in the first place. When one thing leads to the other, then it is only a matter of common sense to follow along. No need for reason or evidence.

Some useful phrases here include: ‘As you know…’, ‘Everybody knows…’, ‘I’m sure you know…’, ‘Cleary…’, ‘Obviously…’, ‘Evidently…’, ‘Undoubtedly…’, ‘I wonder how excited/surprised/empowered you… once you begin to realize/notice/know/see/understand/be aware of…’

Everyone wants to become masters in what they do. And you’d like to become a good marketer. So, I brought you this book and you have been reading till you are here. This means it is helping you. And you intend to finish reading it in the next few hours. Then proceed.

Agreement Frames

People always make conflicting views all the time. That is why we are addressing this persuasion topic. When they do, you want to disagree or correct that without upsetting or breaking rapport with them and still make them feel agreed with and understood. Do not use negative statements. No ‘but’, ‘however’ and the likes.

Some aiding phrases include ‘I agree… and what is more/ and this means…’, ‘I appreciate they will not agree with everything… because/and…’

I agree that being a marketer you could still find a way to convince people, and what’s more, is that conversational hypnosis will take it to another whole level of convenience for you.

       Pacing and Leading

This strategy works when you lead the thoughts so that one gets to think about what you want them to think. When conversing while walking, you speak, pace, pace, lead… speak, pace, pace, lead… and so on.

You’ve read about the human mind and you now understand how it works. You’ve also covered the techniques of subliminal persuasion and you know how they are applied. You’re also just finishing on the conversational hypnosis and how to use it. So, the only thing left is to find out the secrets of subliminal persuasion.

Accelerating Subliminal Persuasion

How do you enhance subliminal persuasion?

Weasel Phrases

Construct your phrases in such a way that the other person feels that they are more significant and therefore it is more about them and how they would want it. Use more of ‘you’, ‘you’, and ‘you’ than ‘I’ or ‘we’. This does not make you less significant, but you want to take the driver’s seat of their mind unnoticed. The objective here is to emphasize the images of their desires-turn-into-reality and the good experiences that come with it so that they live in that future moment right now.

When you read this book, you come to a sudden realization that you have always had the capability to convince people into your will, maybe save that you needed to take it to the next level, which you actually do as you read on.

Embedded Commands

We mentioned earlier how correct use of intonation and inflection help put your meaning into a statement and strongly emphasize that to the listener. Embedded commands are just that. Commands embedded in other phrases. And with correct intonation and inflection use, you can actually issue a command within a statement that otherwise is just that.

This requires that you exercise embedding commands in and distinctly pronouncing them from statements.

You just finished reading about this item, so you may want to move to the next one.

NLP Anchors

NLP stands for neuro-linguistic programming, which works on the principle that using language as an anchor people can be prompted to capture and subsequently replay a certain associated feeling.

Begin by mentioning what you would have someone to do or take, or make a gesture, or give them something to hold and mention the good feeling it would bring them few subsequent times, refer to the action and mention the feeling. Then, henceforth, proceed to only refer to the action. They will pick up the feeling themselves.

This, repeated over and over, will strengthen the feeling and the desire not only for it to recur, but it will also make them not settle until they fulfill what it is that you’re subconsciously asking of them.

Good Feelings

You do not get to sell your objective effectively by constantly referring to it. Even in industry, there is no monopoly of ideas or commodities. And your objective isn’t unique either; it can be replicated before you know it. You push your ideologies by emphasizing on the emotional gratification that it delivers to your counterpart.

Once they grasp the feeling and believe in it, then they want to fulfill that by cooperating with you.

When you read this book, you come to a sudden realization that you have always had the capability to convince people into your will, maybe save that you needed to take it to the next level, which you actually do as you read on.

Questions and Tag Questions

Be fast in understanding what people want out of a conversation, by making appropriate leading statements and asking the right guiding questions in balanced proportions. Onward into the conversation, attend to their requirements and keep then agreeing with you as you also bring on your points along.

Tag questions are hard to say no to. Minds do not normally anticipate tag questions, and often take a little while to recognize them. Hence, subliminally one is bound to agree before they really comprehend it… then think it a bit weird to contradict an answer they already willingly offered.

You are really wishing to finish reading this section so you can get out there doing your thing, but you will be excited first to learn about the magic of presupposition, won’t you?

Presupposition

Presupposition, on the part of the speaker, is a presumption and an implied truth on the listener’s side. The listener picks the presumption and believes it to be the truth, beyond what is necessarily said. They then take that for a fact. Repeated in different ways by the speaker, the listener begins to imagine that they already have been doing it from since beforehand.

How would respond to each of the following questions?

Do you have any idea what next, we are going to talk about?

You must, by now, be having an idea what next, we’re going to talk about. Yes?

The Art of Induction

Persuasion wins over people to you then commitments are made to invest in the relationship with the view to support and nourish each other. Expectations are made on both parties and here is where the assignment of sustaining the relationship weighs in. When two people fall in love and either of them, at some point, begins to get the feeling that the other is not giving them adequate attention that they deserve, and then they will exhibit certain behaviors in a manner that suggests that something is not very right and it needs to be corrected.

Quite a number of people will gather the guts to talk to their counterparts about their feelings, and even suggest correctional measures. This is the desired method as your partner gets to hear your concerns firsthand and then embarks on working out a better approach of minding your welfare in a more caring and meaningful way. But there are still others who act in a totally different way but expect that their partner should observe certain behaviors and deduce feelings and meanings and get to act better.

Induction, in love relationships, refers to the actions that a partner does with the view to arouse feelings of jealousy in their partner.

When one proclaims their love to you, you want them to do it only for you, and you expect that in every aspect, certain thresholds are observed. But when they are not met, and you are unable to say it to your mate or just want to act smarter so that they also catch up without necessarily being told, then you might want to find a way of inducing jealousy in them, hoping that on realization of it they will naturally become more concerned and remember and be more mindful of the thresholds.

Let us discuss some of them here below:

Spend time with friends

When your partner is not any more ready to share their time with no matter how much you try to be available, they maybe you need to compensate for it by spending time with others. Sooner or later, they will realize that you not as available as you have been earlier, and it creates a concern for them.

One does not want to spend more time with you because they feel. In a way, it causes them boredom or just, disruption. On your part, you wanted to be with most of the time because it was going to be fun, you thought.

When you are not getting enough of it, find it in your friends by spending time with them. Find happiness with your friends. When your partner learns of it, let them realize that you are still happy without them. And when they ask to explain that you actually miss hanging out with your friends.

Further, explain that you desperately need your girl or boy time. This does not mean you want to be single, but the feeling is that love is rejuvenating not exhausting.

And for as long as your partner is not realizing it, keep pushing it further until they sense that you’re buying your time with them to have time with your friends.

Keep your cool

Sometimes, it could be that your partner already went ahead and want to elicit jealousy in you, and you are unaware why they are acting differently of late. For instance, they hint that they could be cheating on you when in fact that is not the case. They could leave notes seemingly from or for members of their opposite gender, or their contacts, or messages of love even probably right on the gadgets.

As much as possible, try not to accuse or to get heated up the first because that is what they want you to do as evidence of weakness on your part. In fact, their acts in themselves are accusations against you, and you do not want to confirm them true. Try to steer clear of it, stay outside the game and focus on becoming better as a partner. Are they bringing along accomplices along on your dates or outings?

Do not get surprised, upset or shrink or withdraw into yourself. Roll the ball back into their court. Make friends with the accomplices too. It will become perplexing to them, on the next move to make.

Act like nothing strange is happening. What is not of you need not be (for someone’s insecurities or convenience) because love is a sign of maturity, and you are not becoming a kid with your days advancing. Act above such manipulations. Stay put. Be your very best self, your best foot ever forward.

Wait to respond to them

So, your partner called or sent you a text message or email or some direct message on some social media platform and you just found an opportunity to invoke their feeling of jealousy. Wait. Do not respond as fast as you normally do. Wait a little bit longer. Wait an extra hour or two. They will formulate all the right and wrong reasons for your actions, but whichever they settle for you will later find out whether they mean good or bad for your relationship.

When you finally reply, make them know that you were doing something fun and exciting, they missed out.

And of what they really wanted to know, unless it’s a serious one as applying for a job or getting something done, address it in brevity and a little vagueness. Point is, if they are really in it for, they will give an interesting chase or otherwise keep dull and indifferent.

Hang out with friends of your opposite sex

Go out with your friends of the opposite sex. When asked, be shallow with the details. Lay some emphasis on the fact that you wanted fun and your friends know better how to make you laugh. On different occasions, bring one or the other friends on your date flirt with them more than with your partner. While complimenting your friends on a thing or two, suggest to your partner to be like your friend.

Do their favorite thing for someone else

Do the favorite thing that your partner prefers with you for someone else, male or female. Whatever it is, find someone who enjoys it so that the moment is no less exciting as your partner would desire for himself or herself when they find out. Of course, on realizing it, your partner will feel left out.

Make changes in your appearance

Look more amazing. Make drastic changes in your dressing, your hairstyles and color choices, do some exercise and look more modern and sexy. Your partner will wonder who or what you do it for. Simply mention that maybe you are trying something new are getting more out of it.

Interpreting Jealousy Induction

What kind of messages does jealousy induction send? And what would you do about it if you realize your partner is playing on you?

Pay more attention to me

If you think your partner has not had any issues with you for the longest time and suddenly the acts appear, they could be telling to be more mindful of them. This, mostly, is what most people do to teach their partners that they feel ignored and vulnerable. This should prompt you to set your threshold higher and go them in your relationship.

Unfortunately, most partners are bound to interpret these signs in a negative way, later to witness things go out of hand.

Cognitive dissonance

Have you paid attention to your mate especially as to how they were brought up? Some people believe they are not lovable because of how they were brought up, or the experiences they went through growing up. Your partner well understands that you love them, but they strongly believe that they are not lovable however good thing seem.

When the dominant belief of not being lovable is not overcome, then your partner helplessly keeps pushing that way, even when all evidence at hand shows otherwise, and they even know and appreciate it. If you realize this, then you need to help them not only change that belief but also gather some strength choose the harder course of showing love anyway.

Understand that for such people, they want to fall out of love so that they justify their belief. They, most likely, do not have issues with you. And for, for as long as you’re holding on, try to make them realize that their belief isn’t true and that the days and circumstances are much better than when they were young.

You can do better

Do you think your partner knows your well, and whatever the circumstances, mean well for you? If you think they do, then this is what they essentially could be telling you. You could expect them to just tell you that you have greater potential. But if that doesn’t work, or they do not know how to say it, they could have the option of causing you a negative feeling so that you come out of it stronger.

They have asked you to overcome your feelings of inferiority and even supported you, but now you need to experience what it really is they are protecting you from. Or they now have to tell you how the other person is better that you so that you literally have a threshold bar to anchor upward to.

Looking at it like this, you will realize that all hope is not lost, but there’s a catch. If you do not pick yourself up and become collected in good time, you could forever be left behind! And you know what that could mean.

I have options

Look here, you do not want to mind me anymore and you do not want to improve on your essential being? Then I must get thinking of my options before it is late. This is what your partner is telling by this time.

You need to take it as a stern warning that time and patience are running out, and you only have a while before you do the needful.

Also, this sign communicates the fact that your partner wouldn’t be as desperate as to hurt deeply for so long or come looking for you if you suddenly abandon them. Their security is partly in you and also elsewhere. And the ball is left in your court to decide for how long you will keep witnessing this stuff.

Time for quits

Depending on the magnitude how your partner is feeling otherwise about you, you could actually see them push their effort to the extent of quietly telling you to get mad at them, cause some dirty drama by yourself or walk away silently so that everything culminates to the dissolution of the relationship.

Chapter 8: The Art of Lying and Detecting Lies

Why do we lie? Why don’t we tell the truth? Would the truth set us free or would we be incriminated by it? Wouldn’t all our concerns and problems go smoother if we all told the truth?

The answer to most of these questions would be probably no. Most people lie because they are afraid of what people will learn about them when they tell the truth. In most cases, we fear the aspect of our Interactions with other people if they know the truth about us.

Some people feel very vulnerable if they tell the truth about them and thus as a result of these, they may lie so as not to feel weak and deter the idea of people using the truth against them.

As for politicians and international reasons, or religions, people are afraid that if they tell the truth, then people will start questioning their kind of religion, all the political and international relations will go really awry. And so, the best idea will be to lie about all this.

So in all these, how can someone lie so good without people noticing?

By Bending the fact about the truth

In this case, know the lie before telling it. Trying as much as possible to bend or twist the truth instead of telling the whole lie or making up an entire story. It is much easier for a person to believe something that actually happened.

Practice telling a lie

Before lying, make sure you have mastered the lie other than making up something on the spot. This might be easier for the person listening to you to notice that you might be lying instead. The more you practice the lie, the more you get good at it and the easier for a person to believe you than the rest of the make-up story.

Being more confident when lying

This happens in the scenario where you tell a lie when you are unsure of it. Believe in yourself and confident that you can deceive the other person successfully. Don’t be nervous or anxious when telling a lie as this would make a person believe or notice that you might be lying.

Being Natural

This comes in terms of talking, when you are talking, do it normally and typically, make small movements of the body. Avoid covering the throat, mouth, chest, head or stomach as this would translate to you as you might be lying.

Facial Expressions

Watch your facial expressions by avoiding making excessive eye contact because staring at a person without blinking might suggest or give a clue that you might be lying.

Also awkward head movement.

Cover you tracks well when lying.

Be careful not to leave behind proof that you might be lying.  If you wrote something down, cut the paper and throw it away as it is easy to check, and you might be found out that you were lying.

Refrain from telling other lies.

Lying requires a person with a good memory. The more the lies one tells the harder it is to keep up with them. To curb these do not lie to multiple people as this makes it easier to remember the lie you told.

In most cases, we are prone to believe some lies even when the evidence being given is contradictory.  Our ability to detect a lie from the truth is very minimal. Now this ponders the question as to how much we lie.

People tell a considerable number of lies. It is also important to note that lies told by men and women differ.

This is because men and women lie in different ways and women lie to make the person they were talking to feel good while men lie to make themselves look better.

Lying sometimes can be very complicated and very difficult if one is not familiar with the way of telling lies. For instance, if one is a beginner liar, he/she has to learn a few basic skills of lying such as sticking with a simple lie and making sure that the lie is believable to the person listening to this kind of lie.

Memorize the details of the lie before telling it and also write it down and keep practicing until it sounds convincing.  So how can one establish an effective lie?

Keeping the lie simple

Stick to details that make the lie seem legitimate for instance if one was lying about a party don’t complicate the happenings and giving more details that might sometimes make the lie seem so obvious.

Do not make the inclusion of other people in the lie

Using people or telling their names to make the lie seem complicated than need be. This is because the person may act as a witness and if asked, the person being told the lie might find out that this was a lie. And if need be telling the person used in the lie about lie but also if you plan to lie ahead ask the person first as some people don’t feel comfortable being involved in lies.

Add something that is truthful in the lie

If one is telling lies completely then they can be easily detected. Find a way of showing that part of the lie is true so as to strengthen the lie. For instance, express real emotions when telling the

Lie.

In other ways, most of our body is the key part of administering the lie. This is an easy giveaway as one reads the body language involved to detect if what one is saying is true. So, here are the techniques of controlling the body when lying.

Keeping hands away from the face.

Most people when lying tend to play with their hand a lot. So, when lying, don’t rub the nose or the chin or running the hands through the hair.

Remain still.

Swaying your body when lying will make someone know that you might be lying. Shoulder shrugging is also discouraged. Try as much as possible to keep the body still as this will keep people from being suspicious about what is being told to them.

Keep the arms open and not folded.

Folding the arms when lying might be a straight giveaway. Don’t cross the arms but rather keep them at your side when standing and if sitting, keep them on the lap.

Maintaining eye Contact.

Make enough eye contact to make the person listening to the lie to believe you. Make sure that you don’t make either too little or too much eye contact because if you stare at a person without looking away may seem too suspicious.

Keep the body facing the person you are lying to.

Turning the body side to side or turning away may be seen as a sign that one is lying, or one is trying to hide something. Make sure that the body is angled towards the recipient of the message being communicated as a lie as well as keep the eyes in their direction.

Another area that has to be considered when lying is speech. This is because sometimes our speech may differ from how we tell lies and how we talk normally. Some of the factors to consider are

Keeping the voice normal

Many times when one is lying is that the pitch of the voice gets high.

So moderate the pitch of your voice so that it stays at the usual level and also making sure that the voice is appropriate to the situation. Also, keep a note of the tone and volume so that it might be appropriate to the situation. Don’t speak with a cheerful tone if you need to sound sorry or a more serious tone if the lie should sound encouraging.

Give straightforward replies.

When asked questions, give full answers and make sure you don’t make unnecessary pauses. Find the balance between an answer that is not either too short or too long. Keep the answer moderate.

Use of casual language.

Do not be afraid of using slangs or colloquial terms because this makes a conversation appear normal. Use words like I don’t know and avoid using words like am not entirely sure.

When lying also we need to look at the techniques of memorizing a lie. The important tips to consider when lying is

Writing down the details of a lie

One of the hardest parts of lying is keeping up with what you said. The best way to avoid this is to write down the lie.

If you have to lie, write down what you said and if you lie spontaneously,

write down whom you lied to as this will make it easier for one to remember what he/she said so that it may not create an atmosphere where one realizes that he/she was lied to. So, to avoid this memorize it over and over again repeatedly and more frequent.

How To Detect Lies

Why would one lie? People makeup lies broadly to save face or achieve personal gain. Where one tries to save face, they do it for themselves for others, and thus would require digging deeper to get to understand the real motive for it. In this section, we explore how you’d get to know that someone, at hand, is telling lies.

Face and Eyes

Micro-expressions

When a person is lying they typically experience the emotion of distress, and this mostly shows in quick flashes on their face. They will be seen pulling their eyebrows toward the middle of the forehead, causing a few line formations on the forehead.

Nose Touching

Watch out for touching of their nose or attempting to use their hand to cover their mouth as they speak. You can detect their feeling of distress from their tense mouth and pursed lips.

Eye Movements

When fabricating lies, most people tend to move their eyes up then right. Are they blinking more rapidly or rubbing their eyes more? These could be signs too. You will also notice their eyelids closing for longer than usual when they blink, and their hands try to move toward the face.

Eye contact

During lying, most people avoid or only allow short eye contact during conversation. But watch out also for the contrary, when they give unusually long eye contact (in false confidence, detectable or not).

Verbal Responses

Voice Changes

If you notice that one is talking slightly faster or slower than their usual, then consider that as a probable sign. They could also be speaking in a slightly higher pitched tone with loud vibrations, or as well stutter and stammer, unlike their usual. Their voice generally becomes different than normal.

This detection method requires that you establish their speech behaviors in prior, which is highlighted subsequently.

Exaggerated Details

When one is lying to you, they are desperate to make you believe their lies. This desperation is exhibited by their effort as they try to tell too much detail.

Spontaneous Emotional Responses

Most liars have pre-meditated responses to expected questions. This formed mind gets challenged at one time or another during the conversation, and they have to make up other answers or really recall what they had pre-planned to say.

Caught up in such a scenario, they may respond too soon by mumbling something or nothing to fill the silence or omit crucial relevant time facts in their answers. Just, their timing and duration of answers are off.

Reaction to Queries

Here, the liar tries going offensive, or deflecting, or employing just any stopping tactics. They may, for instance, ask to know where you got that information,

repeat their earlier plain statements for details, and you will notice them delay responding to your question.

Unusual Wording

Watch out for malapropism, it could be intentional to test or confuse you. Malapropism is when one uses the incorrect word that sounds like the correct one e.g. you do not diverge left, you divert left. Also, think about this: why would one say ‘I did not do it’ than ‘I didn’t do it’, or ‘I reversed back’ for ‘I reversed’?

Short answers can feel convenient for liars where they want to withhold details – just saying yes or no. Also, pay attention to run-on statements. In this case, they start a sentence then midway, stop then start over and not finish it.

It is unusual how liars try to claim honesty! They would rather use phrases like ‘to be honest’, or ‘frankly’, or ‘I haven't raised a liar’ than just say ‘I’m being honest’ congruently. They also like to throw your deductions back to you to avoid impression to cover up for possible silence. ‘Did you pick the pen?’ ‘No, I did not pick the pen’

Stopping and Distraction

When lying, a person tries to stop speaking or to distract you, creating the time to fabricate a more believable story.

Do you notice them restate your words for their answers, ask you to repeat the questions, praise you (e.g. good question, how did you get that?), act confrontational (e.g. who told you about that…?), or humorously or sarcastically try to avoid the subject? Do not ignore these.

Repeating Sentences

Telling lies, one finds certain phrases or sentences to sound more convincing, and find themselves repeating the same words in an exact manner repeatedly.

Mid-sentence Jumps

Liars will try to distract the attention from their own into something different. Why would one, mid-sentence, suddenly notice your tie and throw you a compliment for it?

Body Language Fits

The body has not been made to contradict clear conscience eloquently.

Sweating

Consider calling it to check when one is sweating even more as you converse.

Head Nods and Shakes

Does the head seem to shake when one is making a positive statement? Also watch to notice if the head movement or speech isn’t continuous, even when agreeing. Congruence must be smooth, where there’s honesty.

Fidgeting

One, during lying, will be seen to keep their hands busy with the chair, handkerchief, or just on themselves. Their support points keep shifting – won’t just stand certainly on their feet or sit right on their bottoms. You may notice them fearing to be found out.

But do not be cheated with their stillness either. Not all stillness means honesty.

Level of Mirroring

In honest conversation, people tend to take each other’s posture, sending a silent statement of interest and agreement. A person who is lying is mostly absorbed into themselves and therefore drop the mirroring effect, if attempted, so soon.

Are they leaning away? It is because they do not want to give more information needed. When they still, it is an unusual stillness because their mind is not with the body the entire while.

Throat

When one is lying, their throat keeps drying up and you notice them swallowing, gulping or clearing to lubricate it.

Breathing

Observe their breathing. Short fast breathing then deep and long is characteristic of them, a dry mouth.

Other Bodily Signs

Generally, a lying person does not want to take up enough space, and they stay stiff and directed into self – touching their face, ear of the back of the neck. They make limited hand movements if any, their legs are interlocked, they make one-hand mostly incongruent gestures, and exhibit grooming behaviors – playing with the hair, adjusting the tie or shirt cuff, etc.

Interrogation

Be careful

Be careful not to mistake feelings of distress entirely for lies. People may show a combination of these signs when they feel embarrassment, inferiority, shyness, and shame, stress or awkwardness.

Rapport

From the start, do not show you suspect them. Imitate their posture and converse at their pace, and show understanding rather than overbearing mannerism.

Baseline

Try to know their behavior when they are not lying, so that when they later begin to behave otherwise, you can tell it. Begin by knowing and talking about each other, ask them about what you know, unrelated to the case at hand, and observe how they respond.

Stop Deflections

Recognize when they give stories that do not answer your questions and redirect your mind or your counterpart wisely.

Repetition

Ask them to retell the events multiple times and note the inconsistencies in each instance especially when they make in cognitive, outright false or telling statements. Have them once do it backward.

Stare of Disbelief

Offer them a stare of disbelief and see if they become uncomfortable. Honest people stared at in disbelief become angry or frustrated.

Use Silence

Feign some patience of a good listener and keep silent a little longer when they finish making their statement and expect you to speak next. When lying, one does not like silence so they will try filling it up with embellishing up slipping talk.

Stay neutral, like not monitoring them as they speak here. Liars will normally be uncomfortable with unsuspecting behaviors from people.

Reflection

Consider the Whole Picture

Try to know if the person is distressed with any other situation that the current. Mind any cultural factors and disability and how that may impede expression on their part. Does the person have any history of lying?

Ask yourself if your motive and reason for suspecting lying is good, whether you are biased and want them to lie, and whether you are good at reading lies or are being selective with the pointers.

Check yourself

If you are yourself the kind who is constantly suspecting or accusing people, lying about or distrusting them, then you may be out just to make your next kill.

Don’t be too Quick to Accuse

Mind your relationships and reputation. A false accusation can cost you these. Be sure before you call someone on it. Their bad reputation is not all. People change for the better, or they could be being framed for their easy culpability.

Follow Through

Check the facts behind what one is saying. For instance, if they say you ask someone and not the other, reach out to both, and, if possible, all people mentioned.

Analyze the lies to see if they make sense. Accordingly, single out logical against unrealistic parts and judge them on a weighing balance.

Conclusion

Analyzing people is very essential because people interact with different reasons. They communicate and behave in certain ways for purposes that may not be very apparent. Patterns of communication and behavior may also either reveal or conceal deeper mental and perceptive mindsets that bear the actual message of communication. For that reason, it is vital for people to learn how to unveil the deeper mental patterns that are concealed and assign them meaning. This is ordered to gain the best understanding of people, phenomena, and actions of others towards.

As discussed, analyzing people is about knowing personality types. This will help one know the likely tendencies of a person as predicted by their personality. The use of body language is also important in analyzing people and the book has discussed how this is the case.

It has been noticed that most people don’t always talk what is in their mind. someone may say “okay, or fine when actually they mean the other way around.

Sometimes you try to guess whether or not you should believe somebody who would say ï will think about it” especially this case happens in an institution or any other field whereby getting what is going on in the mind of people so as to figure out how achievable you can be I. e the true institution.

As discussed above it helps to have knowledge on what really goes on in the minds of people.

The fact is you have been doing it for quite some time .when you have a feeling that someone you are speaking to is not saying the truth; allure somebody in a room or is trying to overlook; having unconsciously analyzed people and body language.

Believing you are “perceptive” in terms of analyzing other people shows that you are capable of reading non- verbal clues precisely. If you have that feeling that a person is lying; you are admitting that persons behavior and words are not matching .you also have a sensation of not getting well with people you are attempting to understand better; modify your movement so as enable him to be more comfortable with you.

These means: that people are in the position to read worldwide behavior; paying no attention to their culture, race or language of a person that admitting to following. To be able to understand those characters better; there is a need to know what representation you are trying to show.

The

empaths survival

guide

Introduction

Congratulations on purchasing The Empath Survival Guide: The Complete Strategies for Highly Sensitive People. How to Learn to Manage your Emotions, Overcome Anxiety and Fears, Learn Protection Techniques from Energy Vampires and thank you for doing so.

The following chapters will discuss what empaths are, what makes them unique, how to manage your emotions, how to overcome those feelings of anxiety, how to manage your abilities as an empath, how to protect yourself from energy drainers, and even parenting tips for children with these abilities!              

There are plenty of books on this subject on the market, thanks again for choosing this one! Every effort was made to ensure it is full of as much useful information as possible, please enjoy!

Chapter 1: What is an Empath?

The Definition of Empathy

The basic definition of empathy is the capacity or ability to understand what someone is experiencing and to understand how that affects them emotionally. There are many situations in which this can come into use, and empathy can manifest in a number of different ways. When someone is empathetic, what people generally mean is that the person can put themselves in someone else’s shoes, so to speak. This means they can see things as the other person would anticipate the feelings that person would have about the circumstances, and they can know—to some extent—how the person would react to certain situations and stimuli.

Someone who has a decent amount of empathy will often say things like, “this must be hard for you,” “I know what you’re going through,” or “I know how hard this must be,” they really do mean it. They understand how hard that emotional impact must be, and they understand what it must feel like to be in your position. An empath will have an even greater understanding of this, as someone who feels empathy for you has theoretically stepped into your position and felt it for themselves. Typically, when someone who has a very high empathetic response senses that someone near them is going through something difficult, it can be very difficult for them not to say anything to the person who is suffering.

In short, they see that pain and they feel compelled to do something to address, fix, or alleviate it in some way. In some cases, this can be overstepping bounds, or it might not be received well by the person who is suffering. It’s important to maintain boundaries with the people around you, in spite of how strongly you might feel about what they’re dealing with.

While these aspects of empathy are typically discussed or understood, there are some aspects that may be less commonly understood. There are three subcategories of empathy that can lead to different results and which are triggered differently. It’s possible for one empath or empathetic person to exhibit all three types, as they’re not mutually exclusive.

While empathy is something that occurs naturally in some measure to most people, it and its components can be strengthened or honed. As emotional intelligence increases and as you increase your understanding of the mechanics of empathy, you will be able to make them work for you with greater frequency and success.

Cognitive

Cognitive empathy gives you an insight into the thoughts and feelings of others that can sometimes seem like mind reading. As it happens, this ability is less like mind reading and more like anticipation through emotional understanding. Most people understand that behind every emotion, there is a logical conclusion that triggers it and a logical conclusion that is formed because of it. This type of empathy gives you a clear enough insight into what another person is feeling, that you can put yourself in their shoes and more or less see what they’re going to do next.

At first, when one thinks about this mechanism, it can seem somewhat like something out of a detective novel or a mystery drama. However, it really does come down to knowing what that person is feeling and how, if it were you, it would lead you to feel. People also often have behavior patterns that are harder for them to see, as they’re too close to them. Someone experiencing cognitive empathy can often plot the mental course someone will take and see what the next steps will be.

This will be more common between people who know one another, as more time with the person will lead to a better basis for predicting future behaviors.

You won’t typically have situations that are as miraculous as those in your average mystery novel centered around a genius detective.

One of the many benefits of this particular type of empathy is being aware of what someone will be able to handle or deal with. This is a particularly useful trait in someone who is leading others or who is working in a position of authority. If you are aware of someone’s emotional capacity to handle certain things, you can more appropriately assign a workload that won’t overwhelm or underwhelm them.

There are many situations in which this type of empathy can be quite beneficial. Try to think up some of them and how you could use this ability in your life.

Emotional

The most common thing associated with empathy is emotions. This is because emotional empathy is an emotion of its own. This type of empathy is also known as affective empathy or automatic empathy. This is because the response of tuning into the emotions of others and the capacity to develop sympathy or compassion based on that is a natural urge that many people feel. It’s sort of the emotional basis for those two more complex actions.

Let’s define compassion and sympathy in order to make a distinction between empathy, sympathy, and compassion.

Empathy – The ability to understand and share the sentiments or feelings of another.

Sympathy – Feelings of pity or sorrow at the misfortunes of another.

Compassion – Leniency, and concern for the sufferings of others.

You can see, by these definitions, how these things are interconnected. You can also see, based on the definitions listed above, that these three things are distinctly different from one another. Seeing the connection between these whiles being able to differentiate between them is important to being able to master them and use them to your advantage.

In addition to the above, there are three parts to the emotional empathy response that you may recognize:

Having an emotional response with yourself that fits what someone else is going through.

Feeling distressed as a response to the difficulties being experienced by someone else.

Feeling compassion for the person who is going through something.

One of the things you will notice is the difference between feeling distress as you own emotional response to the situation in front of you and picking up on the emotions of the person you’re dealing with or talking to.

Compassionate

While being compassionate can be a response to feeling empathy for someone, compassionate empathy is its own subcategory. When one feels the compassionate empathetic response, one is often compelled to do something to help alleviate the pressure, stress, difficulty, or misfortune of another. This can also be seen as the Good Samaritan response, the helpful response, and the volunteer response. It’s seen as selfless, altruistic, helpful, kind, and it’s held as a virtue among many people in societies around the world.

Empathy is something that can come up in a lot of different situations, and it’s one that can vastly improve a good number of them as well. Can you think of a situation in which a little bit of empathy would have made things go more smoothly?

What is an Empath?

To put it in as few words as possible: most people have empathy and a very small percentage of people are empaths.

Being an empath means that you’re exceptionally sensitive to the emotions and feelings of the people in your life and in your environment. There are quite a few traits of an empath that are quite specific. For many empaths, you might have had no answer for these traits, habits, or behaviors of yours until you realize that they’re part of what makes an empath so special.

Being an empath is something that consumes many—if not all—corners of your life. There are very few habits, interactions, abilities, or traits that aren’t affected in some way by one's empathic tendencies. These abilities and characteristics, in large measure, can be improved, strengthened, and honed once one has achieved an understanding of them and once one knows the situations in which they can be quite useful.

It’s important to be aware that while empaths have some traits of their own that are there from birth or a very young age, those traits are not skills. Those are talents; they need to be honed and you need to flex those muscles in order for those talents to turn into skills. The sensitivities that we have are simply that, and they can’t be removed. They can, however, be perfected.

An empath will always have a certain sensitivity to the things going on around them, but the things that they do with those sensitivities will determine whether they become annoyances or skills. As you gain practice with the skills to which you’re predisposed, using them will require less effort.

The different types of empath could be listed out in their specificity, but a more accurate representation would be a very large, very odd-looking Venn diagram. There are so many different ways in which someone can be in tune with the people around them and there are many people who experience or exhibit the characteristics of several different types of empaths.

This can make it quite difficult for someone to look at a list of the different “types of empath,” in the hopes to put a label on the types of abilities they have. The most effective way to understand yourself as an empath is to get the information on what the most common traits of empaths are, see which of those traits you see within yourself, and work on honing the skills while working to diminish the drawbacks that can come with being highly sensitive.

As for the subject of a label, it might be easiest to avoid using one for the time being. If having that distinction is important to you, being able to say that you’re an empath or a highly sensitive person with intuitive abilities is an ideal broad-stroke description for it.

I’ve listed the most commonly shared traits of empaths here so you can take a look and see if these fit you. If you find that you identify with a good number of these, you might be an empath. Don’t despair however, if there are some items in this list that just aren’t you.

We are all unique people with unique tendencies and abilities. You can be an empath without having all of these traits. If you find that you don’t have a lot of these abilities, but you do have some, it can indicate a higher level of empathetic sensitivity that is somewhere between basic empathy and highly sensitive. There is absolutely nothing wrong with either outcome.

Strong emotional content on television has a profound impact on you.

The thing about being in tune with the emotions and suffering of other people is that it isn’t limited to the people that you can touch. It’s not limited to the people that are right in front of you.

Thanks to the digital age we currently live in, many of our friends and family are only accessible by a digital means. Because of this, our empathy is forced onto those channels and we learn how to pick up on the things that someone is thinking or feeling through that lens.

This could be a reason why seeing someone dealing with something on screen, in text, in movies, in pictures, etc., still, affect us in a very real and very monumental way at times.

People are always asking you for advice.

Empaths often conduct them in such a way that signals other people as to our abilities. Thanks to this, people tend to know that they can rely on us to provide sound advice, or at the very least, lend an ear.

Think of it like having an invisible, yet perceivable beacon over your head that flashes, telling people that you know how to give great advice.

One of the things about this particular ability that required the practice and honing that I mentioned, is being able to rely on yourself for advice. Many empaths struggle with being able to analyze the problems of others and give sound, usable advice while struggling with their own problems. Perhaps even more frustrating is that many of these problems are usually similar in nature to those that we’ve solved for others.

This is where that practice really comes in handy. We’ll explore this in the exercises and journal prompts given in this book.

Intimate relationships can overtake all of your thinking and the energy you get from them flows throughout your entire life.

I’d like to start by saying that starting and cultivating meaningful personal relationships as an empath is absolutely possible. There are things to consider, to be certain.

For instance, it should be noted that someone who is empathic will often have the need to discuss problems as they occur and resolve them on a fairly immediate basis. Someone who has a “wait and see,” method of resolving problems would often cause severe anxiety in this type of person. This is not always the case, but it is quite common.

The emotional energy that an empath picks up from the people around them has a fairly profound effect on them and it can tend to envelop the empath’s entire thought process if they are concerned enough with it.

Thanks to this, being closely involved with someone can seem overwhelming or like it’s putting so much accessible emotion into their life that it can permeate every aspect of the person’s life.

This is what makes boundaries in personal relationships so important. As an empath, you would do well to insist on a physical space where you can be on your own, and where the emotions of others, no matter how connected they are to you, may not enter. Personal boundaries will give you space in your life to get a reprieve and do the things you need to heal, recuperate, grow, and flourish. 

Your sensitivity could be mislabeled as anxiety or shyness.

People who are very sensitive can get overwhelmed, we can feel like we need to recuse ourselves from the company of others, and we can seem a little bit edgy at times. There are more aspects to this, but it gives you a general idea of how these labels can be put on us, in spite of being quite healthy.

Finding the right fulfillment, boundaries, spaces, and people can work wonders for the emotional, physical, and mental health of an empath.

Regardless of introversion or extroversion, you withdraw often.

This doesn’t mean you are particularly a wallflower at social gatherings, but it could mean that you find yourself taking a couple of days to stay in rather than going out. It could mean that you take some time to read instead of going to a concert, or that you cancel plans you thought you’d be able to keep.

To take time for yourself is healthy, but one must do so in a measure that doesn’t cut one off from the people and the world around one.

When thinking of leadership roles, you always assume that means putting the team first.

As an empath, you see the role of leadership as being a role in which you are completely responsible for the well-being and the success of your team.

People who are otherwise focused might see leadership as an opportunity to get things from others, or to take credit for the work that is done by their team. Such things would rarely occur to an empath, which often contributes to their being such effective and admirable leaders.

The world you've created in your mind is rich and vibrant.

People who are empathic tend to spend a lot of time thinking, daydreaming, hypothesizing, thinking up hypothetical situations, and putting together characters and stories. Thanks to this, we have a very rich and vibrant environment in our minds.

Others find your very presence to be calming.

Thanks to your abilities, you often know what energies to give off in order to make someone feel at ease. This will draw people to you or make it very easy for people to relax around you.

Sometimes, the best compliment you can be paid is for someone with severe insomnia to say they got their best sleep in days, simply because you stayed the night with them.

Hunger very quickly turns into anger, sometimes even before hunger.

Thanks to your heightened sensitivity to feelings, urges, inclinations, and the things going on in your body, your blood sugar can crash a little more quickly than it can for some of the others around you. If you find yourself getting “hangry,” with any sort of frequency, try keeping a granola bar or some other snack in your bag for times when things really start to bear down on you.

Keeping yourself fed can also help to lessen the effects and frequency of sensory overload.

                     You're highly sensitive to wardrobe malfunctions.

Things like scratchy fabrics, stiff tags, tight underwear, wrinkly socks, and loose waistbands can tend to bother you throughout your entire day. Many people have the ability to simply tune out the annoyance of such things as this, but those who are highly sensitive may have less of an ability to do something like this to get through their day.

A good rule to live by when you’re getting dressed is that if it bothers you a little bit while you’re getting ready in the morning, it will bother you ten times more once you’re in public.

Try to go with clothes that fit well, fabrics that are comfortable and breathable, and socks whose elastic is still working quite well.

                     Criticism is painful beyond reason.

Even if the person who is offering the criticism is going so out of a concern for you and the desire to help you to improve, it can feel like a slap in the face when the answer isn’t automatic approval.

                     You feel an overwhelming love for pets, animals, or babies.

You might find babies, animals, and cute things to be so cute that it’s overwhelming. You might get so excited when there is a baby or an animal in your presence, that nothing else matters or even registers with you. This is a common trait for an empath to have.

Since empaths are more receptive to beauty and innocence, babies and animals check both of these boxes and stand out to empaths for these reasons.

                     You're exceedingly perceptive and minor details don't escape you easily.

Thanks to your sensitivity to certain things and your ability to pick up on the things around you, you could be pretty detail oriented. You could find that this eye for detail is an extreme advantage in the workplace.

                     You're prone to jumping or startling easily.

There is often a lot going on in the mind of an empath. Due to this, it is easy for a sudden noise or loud jolt to affect you a little bit more than some others might be.

                     Once startled, you may be shaken for a while or experience "aftershocks."

Sometimes, after we get startled, we can notice little shivers or quakes throughout bodies after we’ve been through a loud startle or scare. This is your body anticipating another scare and letting off energy that it’s building up to stave off danger.

Take some time to close your eyes, relax, focus on the immediate environment, and get yourself ready to deal with the things that you’re working on. Most startles won’t happen again!

                     Stimulants are very effective in short measure.

Caffeine hits fast and it hits hard for some empaths. Coffee can be used sparingly and to a very effective result.

                     Depressants are very effective in short measure.

Things like alcohol hit very quickly and very hard. It’s best to use alcohol sparingly, and it’s best to drink in moderation.

                     It's easy for you to get a feel for where someone is coming from when telling you something.

For instance, when someone approaches you about a situation, you might immediately get an inkling for what they’re about to say about it. It’s important to hear people out and let them tell you everything they have to say, even if you think you know what they’ll say.

                     You do a lot of introspection and deep thinking.

There is a lot to process when so many emotions and thoughts are passing through your mind over the course of your day. It makes sense that you would need to take time to sift through all of them and process the important parts. Just take care not to do this in the middle of social interactions or meals with others!

                     Pain sets in more easily.

Being highly sensitive dials up the volume on so many things. Unfortunately, this can also affect your threshold for physical pain.

                     You ask the big questions in life and seek a lot of answers about the status quo.

People who have so many thoughts and feelings passing through their minds throughout the day have the capacity and the thirst to know more things about life, each other, and the way things are.

Empaths will often find themselves looking for answers to questions that others might not even think to ask.

                     You find cruelty and violence to be abhorrent.

Empaths are exceedingly receptive to the feelings of others and are very sensitive to seeing things of a violent or harmful nature happening to the people around us. Our empathic abilities tend to make us feel the things that we watch people going through in our environment. It’s best to remove yourself from these situations if at all possible.

                     You feel ailments or illnesses as someone you love is going through them.

This trait is one that can be seen as a downside. Because of how sensitive we are to the struggles and emotions of the people around us that we can actually develop an illness or a condition that is being experienced by someone near us.

Compartmentalization is important for this reason and being stronger about what you allow to affect you is a skill that will help with this.

                     Deadlines and time limits leave you feeling shaken or rattled.

Keeping to deadlines and time constraints isn’t necessarily difficult for you to do from a work effort standpoint. However, you might find that time limits on things tend to make you feel more harried, pressured, and less effective. It can seem like all the energy you originally had to work on your project is completely occupied by the time limit that’s been imposed on you.

Things you should have easily been able to achieve otherwise, seem to be slammed up against that timeline and can only be accomplished with stress, a furrowed brow, and terrible personal care practices.

Don’t allow yourself to skip meals to get to those deadlines; you need to eat, sleep, bathe, and breathe. Let yourself do those things.

                     Your greatest efforts are expended on not messing up.

Being so concerned with the task of not messing up is essentially a recipe for how to mess up. Relax, take a deep breath and focus on doing your best. Don’t allow this sensitivity to dictate the quality of your work or the richness of your social interactions.

                     Change is jarring or even upsetting.

Due to the empath’s sensitivity to the things in their environment and all the small details, large changes or shifts can be jarring or upsetting for an empath. Knowing the changes are coming and having input on what those changes will be, does wonders to help the empath to adjust to changes, or to feel calmer when those changes take effect.

                     You find yourself feeling exhausted after having absorbed and processed the feelings of others.

Feeling your emotions requires a level of energy to be spent throughout each day. Feeling the emotions of several others in your day requires that many more times that amount of energy and it can exhaust you so much more quickly than you may realize.

This is part of what makes it so important to take time for yourself and do the things you know you need to do to recharge your batteries. 

                     Sensory overload is much more easily achieved.

Unfortunately, with how sensitive we can be to every detail, every emotion, every bad vibe and more around us, it can be easy for all of it to reach a boiling point. When someone experiences sensory overload, there is a very strong inclination to just shut it all down, put hands over the ears, stop in their tracks, and just wait out the feeling of overwhelm.

This can, like many things, also be experienced in a number of different ways. What’s important is that when sensory overload strikes, you come up with an exit strategy. You’re able to calm your breathing, focus on one thing, or leave the area until you’re able to calm down and resume what you’re doing.

Shopping in malls or grocery stores is a pretty commonplace for such a thing to occur, as well as concerts, public transport, or busy restaurants.

                     You are affected by the general atmosphere of a room or "vibe."

“Vibe” may seem like a bit of a vague descriptor for the general feeling in the atmosphere of a place or person. However, what we mean is that certain emotions will leave a residual feeling in the room, and you will find yourself being affected by that from time to time.

For instance, have you ever walked into a room with a couple of people in it and gotten the feeling that someone was very upset or angry? That would be an example of the vibe of a room affecting you.

                     Beauty moves you deeply, sometimes to tears.

Beauty is all around us in the world. One of the benefits of being an empath is that that beauty isn’t lost on us. We don’t find ourselves missing out on how beautiful the things around us are and we don’t let it pass us by.

When we allow ourselves to fully experience the beauty of the things around us, it can be a very moving experience and we can feel a very strong connection to that beauty.

                     You tend to adopt the feelings of others and feel them as though they're your own.

This is one of the more basic traits of an empath. Feeling the emotions and feelings that someone we care about or someone in our immediate vicinity is feeling. This comes along with the compulsion to want to help those people to sort through those feelings and work them out.

This is partially a self-preservation tactic, and partially a tactic that is done out of love for the people around us. However, you do things, make sure you’re taking care of yourself as well.

                     Conflict can make you physically ill.

Knowing that there is unrest in your immediate vicinity or with someone that you care about can give you knots in your stomach, headaches, or even cold symptoms.

This is part of what makes us want to resolve things as soon as they come up. The longer we let them sit, the worse we tend to feel.

Resolving conflicts is one of the sharpest skills an empath can have, and I dare say this is out of self-defense and the need to survive more than anything else. Caring for the people involved in the conflict and wanting to help them feel better is a very close second.

                     You cannot see someone who needs help without desperately wanting to provide it.

Empaths have a very strong reflexive response called compassionate empathy. It means that when we see something wrong for someone, we roll up our sleeves, jump in, and take care of it. This is not always the best course of action.

People do need to learn how to solve their own problems in life, and people need to be able to do so without your assistance. You can’t resolve the issues of everyone in your life, at every hour of the day.

If you did, when would you sleep? Eat? Work? Have fun? There would be no time left for you or your needs in the day. This is why it’s so important to make sure we’re spending our time as wisely as possible.

                     Occasionally, you will feel overwhelming emotions that are seemingly "out of nowhere."

This is one of the more basic traits of an empath. Feeling the emotions and feelings that someone we care about or someone in our immediate vicinity is feeling. It is possible for us to be minding our own business at the gym, the mall, on the bus, or at the store when we suddenly get unreasonably angry with no understanding of why.

It can be incredibly disruptive, and it can be exceedingly alarming to the people around us who aren’t sure where any of it even came from.

As we hone our skills and we get better a identifying the types of emotions we can pick up on from those around us, it can give us a better sense of control on them and can help us to know which emotions are really our own and which ones we’re just borrowing for a moment.

                     It's very hard for people to lie to you.

Lies come with a lot of little details attached to them. From the little twitches that people have that tell you they’re being dishonest, to the things that would make the lie make less sense, we are drawn to these little details.

As empaths, being made aware of small details makes it harder to just accept that things could happen to line up in a certain way and that the story went the way it was told, in spite of inconsistencies.

Detecting lies and being an intuitive response that tells you something is wrong, are things that come with being an empath. Listen to those feelings, as they’re often correct.

                     You have a “big heart,” and will often give too much of yourself.

In general, people with empathic abilities can tend to be kinder and more forgiving than people with a basic level of empathy. As a result of this, we can tend to give more of ourselves to the people around us who need it.

It’s possible for someone with heightened sensitivity to lessen their own needs and put the needs of others in front of their own. As a result of this, the empath will find themselves more frequently exhausted, stressed, and even feeling neglected because no one is taking care of them the way they are taking care of others.

It is imperative that the average empath set boundaries for what they can give to others and keep to them. This way, they will be able to ensure they always have enough energy for the things they need, as well as the things they want to do to help other people in their lives.

Give some of yourself, but not all. 

                     You seem to be a walking target for “energy vampires.”

Energy vampires have a very difficult time creating energy on their own. They have a difficult time generating positivity, staying productive, keeping their energy levels high, and they very rarely (if ever) give others energy.

Because of their dearth of energy, they tend to suck it from the people around others, using it to stay alive, upright, and somewhat happy. Some energy vampires know that they’re doing what they’re doing. Some are completely oblivious.

Thanks to the energy that you naturally give others, people who are looking for that kind of arrangement will find themselves drawn to you. The energy that you exude and the positivity that you instill in others is something they crave.

It would be prudent for the average empath to avoid this sort of person.

                     You feel that you know, without asking, what is going on around you.

Being able to pick up on the vibe in the room around you or pick up on the emotions and inklings of the people around you gives you a general idea of what is going on before you even ask. You might find that you have the uncanny ability to predict the outcome of the situation in front of you, or what someone is about to tell you as a result of this.

                     You’re an effective communicator and listener.

Talking with others and listening to what they have to say is, for some empaths, a joy. Connecting with people, listening to what they have to say, and talking about the things that you both have in common can give the empath a lot of fulfillment and enjoyment.

As such, you tend to listen to what the other person says with a genuine interest and acknowledge the things that they say to you in a way that lets the other person know you’re actively listening. This is not as common a trait as it could be and when people find it in others, they tend to really enjoy it.

Not all conversations and conversationalists are the same, and some are more enriching than others!

                     You have mood swings.

Being sensitive to emotion and susceptible to feeling a wide range of them can mean that your mood seems to be all over the place. It’s important to take stock of things when your mood changes, ask yourself what caused the change, assess if the emotion is yours and is appropriate and move forward accordingly.

As you gain more practice with this, the process will go more and more smoothly, and you will have an easier and easier time with it.

                     You have a trustworthy magnetism.

Being great at communicating makes people feel more open with you. This is part of seeming more honest and trustworthy. People who clam up or don’t talk as much, or who can’t keep a conversation going can tend to keep people from feeling comfortable or at ease with them.

You will often find that you’re the person that someone asks to keep an eye on their laptop while they go to the bathroom at Starbucks, hold their place in line, or help them with something on the street.

                     You might reach for addictive substances to escape the other traits of an empath.

There is no question that the average empath has a lot of things to bear and that there is a lot of stress that can be involved with that. Unfortunately, with this territory and with the heightened sensitivity about the things going on around you, addictive substances can have more of a draw or more of an appeal.

If you’re using such a thing as a crutch or as an escape, it is advised that you seek help to stop or that you find other ways to support you through the tough times that won’t do damage after continues use or practice.

                     You’re very creative.

The empath’s capacity for detail, beauty, original thought, and imagination create a perfect storm for creativity. Many people who feel very deeply or who are perceptive of the feelings of others will turn out to be quite creative with some medium or another.

If you haven’t looked into this for yourself, consider looking into some creative means that interest you and see how you like it!

                     Clutter and a crowded space make you uneasy or stressed.

Your mental space has so much going on and going through it with great regularity. Thanks to this, physical clutter around you tends to send your mind into a flurry much more quickly than it might do for others around you. The need for an open, clean, orderly space is justified when so much is going on internally.

How is Having Empathy Different from Being an Empath?

Having empathy is a natural brain response to stimuli in the environment around you. We will cover more about this at the end of this chapter. Empathic abilities, however, are something a little bit stronger. They are characterized by a much stronger response in that same portion of the brain, and by traits that otherwise suggest a very high sensitivity to energies and other sensations around the empath.

Having no empathy, however, is a characteristic of some mental disorders and warrants the consultation with a medical professional. If you find that you have little to no empathy for the people around you, you may want to speak with your doctor about what that could mean for your mental health.

Where Does Empathy Come From?

Empathy is a concept that wasn’t really on the radar of mental health professionals until as late as the 1950s. Once it was discovered, however, research was being conducted in large numbers. It was discovered in some of the most recent research and experimentation on the subject, that empathy is formed in the right supramarginal gyrus of the brain. There are other portions of the brain that are active and affected in the process, but the right supramarginal gyrus seems to be the key to the whole puzzle.

Interestingly, it was found that the right supramarginal gyrus doesn’t have time to kick in and make us act with empathy in situations that involve quick thinking or snap decisions. That’s why our empathetic and considerate responses tend to be dramatically reduced if not completely inhibited in such cases.

The right supramarginal gyrus seems to be the part of the brain that allows us to specifically compare the circumstances and situations someone else is dealing with, to our own. It allows us to simulate the emotional responses that would be appropriate in someone else’s situations so that we can feel it for ourselves.

It’s when this portion of the brain that is underperforming or performing at very low levels that people seem to be incapable of feeling enough empathy for the people around them. This was found to be true in several studies of people who had been diagnosed with psychopathy, a condition characterized by little to no empathy.

Chapter 2: Understanding Energy

Different Types of Energies

When dealing with the energies that people have, there are three categories that are somewhat broad. You will find that each of these types of energy covers a wide range of things for which the energy can be used, what affects them, how they’re generated, and more. Let’s take a look at the three categories, what they cover, and how to differentiate between them.

Physical Energy

Physical energy is probably the most commonly thought-of when people talk about having the energy to deal with and to do certain things. Physical energy is a basic energy, as it keeps you moving, gives you the ability to sit upright, to take the stairs instead of the elevator, and everything else that you do physically each day.

There are ways to increase your physical energy, like eating more protein-rich foods, getting sufficient rest each night, taking a walk, exercising to increase your energy over time, and more. I’m sure you’ve heard of doing these things to help you to get through your day! There are more chemical, short term means like caffeine, which will give you a boost in your physical energy for a short time, but the dependence on this over time will only serve to cut down on your capacity for physical energy and will lessen the ease with which you can create it on your own over prolonged periods of usage.

Emotional Energy

Emotional energy is the stuff that makes it possible for you to deal with the things that go wrong or badly. This energy can be replenished by feeling positive emotions and experiencing things that make you feel positive emotions.

If someone is low on emotional energy, they may be less able to deal with the impact of someone telling them about their day, about the things that have gone wrong, or with something going wrong in their own life. If someone has high emotional energy, their capacity is much higher for acknowledging what’s wrong with the situation, thinking of a proper and appropriate solution, and working to carry out that situation.

Someone who has a lot of emotional energy has a higher chance of keeping their emotional energy high, while someone who has very little emotional energy has a much higher chance of staying at a low energy level until someone imparts more positive emotional energy into their personal space.

Mental Energy

Mental energy is that which helps you with reasoning, creativity, and strategy. Someone with a lot of mental energy will read often, they’ll like puzzles, they’ll be making, building, or creating things, and they’ll have a high capacity for reasoning through mental exercises that others might not.

Like with physical energy, the more consistently you make use of the energy you have, the more easily you will be able to create and use mental energy.

Where Does Energy Come From?

With emotional energy, the long and short of it is that emotions themselves are energy. When you think of energy, how much there is, how it works, and how to evaluate how much you have, it’s important to note that in each of these categories, there is such a thing as negative energy. This is energy that ruins, detracts from, or even inhibits the energy that you have in each category.

When you’re thinking about the source of emotional energy, you will find that there isn’t really a limit on how much you can have, unless a limit is in some way imposed by your mental or hormonal health or capabilities. These energy levels can all be drastically affected by your mental and hormonal health, so be sure to speak with your doctor if things aren’t improving for you with the use of the techniques laid out in this book.

Mental energy comes from your use of the mental muscles, so to speak. The more you do with the energy you have and the more you keep your mind working, the easier it will be to keep more and more cycling through while you’re working on thinking about things, creating things, and so much else that mental energy allows for you to do.

For the most part, the energy that you have is affected and determined by how much you’re doing on a regular basis, how you’re using the energy that you do have, and what negative energy elements are present in your life. If you’re unsure what activities you can do to increase your energy, the best place to start is with the things that are of interest to you.

With mental energy, you could take up things like sudoku, different forms of art, writing, reading, or other activities that are mentally stimulating.

With emotional energy, you could look into things that are emotionally rewarding like volunteer work with people or animals, spending time with family and friends, working on your emotional health, journaling, and things that make you feel emotionally gratified.

With physical energy, take up some activities that will require you to expend physical energy. Start by engaging in activities that don’t expend more energy than you have like walking, swimming, ping pong, yoga, or tennis. Since everyone’s threshold for physical energy is different, you will need to gauge this and go with things that feel right for you.

Over time, as you do these things, you will find that your capacity for these energies will increase, you will have the ability to think of more and more things that you could be doing with the energy you have and, the more you spend within your limits, the more you will ultimately get back.

You never get back more energy by overspending your energies, though. Be aware of your limits, be aware of how much energy you have, and stop overspending it. Be willing to wait a little while to build up the capacity for things that you want to do. The time will pass anyway, and I’ll bet you’d rather be better off when it does. 

What Can Drain Your Energy?

The biggest cause of energy drainage, aside from people who drain it from you, is overextension. Putting yourself into a position in which you have to give more than you’re getting, you will often be overextending. Let’s clarify this a little bit more with some examples.

Let’s say that you have enough emotional energy to handle some light idle chatter with someone, and then you’re going to need to go home and do some things for yourself in order to bring that back.

You might need to take a relaxing bath, write out your emotions in your journal, talk with your significant other, call your mother, and things of this nature.

So, you’re in this emotional position and someone calls you to tell you that their boyfriend has just left them, and they need someone to talk to about what’s happened. This now requires that you expend more emotional energy than you have. It’s one of those things that can’t necessarily be avoided in life, as it’s not something your friend intended, and it is typical to want to be there for our friends when they need us.

The next day, you will find that you have just a bit less energy to deal with things that come across your path than you did on the day before. It helps to think of energy as some sort of rollover program in which unused energy is added to the following day. Only, in this case, if you overspend, you’re spending the next day’s energy.

Doing things like this with any consistency can end up putting you behind the eight ball, so to speak. If you are consistently taking from the next day’s energy, that total amount of energy will deplete over time and it will get harder and harder to replenish your energy and you will feel like you’re constantly fighting to deal with the things that come up from day to day.

These situations can lead us to feel like we’re not doing well mentally or emotionally. These can lead us into a darker, more depressing place because we simply cannot handle the things that are happening in our environments from day to day.

Monitoring your emotional health from day to day is so important because if you see a pattern in how you’ve been feeling, you can more easily isolate where it started, what changes contributed to it, and how to turn things around.

Chapter 3: How to Stop Absorbing Other Peoples’ Distress

The Effects of Absorbing Distress

One of the biggest hurdles an empath has to overcome is the fact that they absorb the emotions of the people around them. Passing, encountering, or dealing with someone who is experiencing a lot of emotional distress will affect an empath, as simply being near that emotional output is enough to take it on for themselves, whether they intend to or not. That is until they learn how to control that impulse and that response. 

Taking on the distress from others can take a high toll on someone who is highly sensitive to it. If you’re unaware of where the feeling is coming from and that it isn’t your distress to own, it can seem like depression or like you have no control over your emotional responses to the things going on in your life. Feeling like you have no control, in itself, can be cause for quite a bit of emotional distress.

Before getting a handle on what it feels like to experience the emotional distress of others and before understanding how you should respond to this, it can seem unshakable. It feels like it won’t leave you and like nothing you can do will alleviate the problem, but I promise, there is help to be found for this mechanism and you will be able to run it on and off as you wish.

How to Shut it Down

Like with most things in life, the first step to being able to manage it is realizing that it’s a problem and what the problem is. The problem is that you’re extremely perceptive of the emotional distress being felt around you and that you can’t seem to stop taking that distress into yourself. The problem is that someone else’s pain is making you feel pain.

So, when you’re in a place where you’re taking on the pain of another, it can be a result of a couple of different types of situations. One of those is one that you’ve probably experienced on a number of occasions and which will be a bit more common for you. The most common type of empath is the one who takes on the emotions of the person they’re interacting with. So, this would mean you’re talking with someone about something that is causing them distress. Your response to this is to go further than wanting to help them, wishing they didn’t feel this way, and feeling sad that they’re dealing with the things they’re dealing with.

This usually feels a little bit like some anxiety, a need to do something about it, and like the situation being described is actually happening to you. It can feel like you can’t pull back from it because you feel a sense of duty to be there and help fix it, even if no person or social convention would require that of you.

An empath will be familiar with the strain they feel when they’re not able to hop in and fix a problem that someone who is close to them is experiencing. They’ll be familiar with what it’s like to feel like they cannot say no when someone asks for help, because they know that puts the other person into a bind.

When you Notice you’re Absorbing the Distress of Someone you Know

Express your concern for their circumstances to the person.

Assure the person that you hope for the best for them.

Offer help that you can comfortably and safely give.

Remove yourself from their immediate area.

Close your eyes and focus on your body and your mind. Be mindful and be present.

Focus your energy on the things you are trying to accomplish and the things that you are working on currently.

This will take practice and it will feel less effective if the person in question is going through something that is life-changing or exceedingly traumatic. You can do this process and steps five and six until you get a positive result.

This part of being an empath requires practice. Knowing when to pull yourself out of a situation for your own well-being and knowing what you can comfortably handle is a huge part of safeguarding your mental and emotional health. Stay vigilant when helping friends with their struggles and don’t allow yourself to take a back seat to others. 

The other type of situation is one that occurs with slightly less regularity, but it’s not uncommon for empaths. Say you’re out in a public place one day when someone nearby is dealing with a heavy emotional burden. The emotional energy that the person is giving off can transfer to you as an empath. You can absorb that energy by being nearby, seeing them dealing with, and you can feel that someone in your surroundings is upset or in distress.

This can make it difficult to get through your day if you end up getting saddled with the feeling that others are having, whether you are feeling that way or not. So, it’s important to be able to distance yourself from it when you see it happening.

When you Notice You’re Absorbing a Stranger’s Distress:

Tell yourself that the feelings are not yours.

Close your eyes, inhale deeply and exhale through your mouth.

Envision yourself breathing in all the bad emotions around you to gather them up, then blowing them away on your exhale to disperse them.

Tell yourself that you don’t need to feel that emotion and understand that you are not obligated to feel that way.

Focus on what you are in that space to accomplish and put all of your energy into getting that thing completed.

Allow yourself to leave that dispersed energy behind and move forward, energized in your plans for what you are trying to accomplish.

It can sometimes be easier to pull yourself out of the emotions of strangers than the emotions of the people you know personally. Knowing someone personally gives you some measure of investment in those emotions and it makes you feel like you need to take some amount of responsibility for resolving them, which may or may not be true depending on what caused the emotions and what’s going on in life around you.

So, when you get a random emotion that seems like it’s out of nowhere and you just make a concentrated effort to push it away from yourself, you will generally get a more positive result, and you will feel more empowered as time goes on. You won’t feel like this is something that is anything more than a minor obstacle when you get truly skilled at pushing those emotions away from yourself.

How to Cope in the Meantime

While you’re learning how to keep yourself safe from the emotional distress of the people around you, there are several things you can do to help you to cope with the difficulty that you’re feeling.

It may come as a surprise to some that the coping mechanisms are so simple for such complex emotions and troubles. This is, however, by design. This is because one is already dealing with so much, we don’t want the mechanisms we use to take more energy than the person likely has. We want the person to be able to do just enough to cause a disruption in that negative emotional response, so the more logical part of the mind can take over and interject more positive into the mental process.

Let’s take a look at some of the things one can do to turn around the difficulty they’re having with the negative emotions of others.

Change What You Can

Spending time lamenting over the things in your situation that you cannot change will often make things worse for you, so it’s important to center your focus on the things that you can readily and easily change. You can go to another space, you can change your clothes to something more comfortable, and you can change many small things in your environment that can contribute to perpetuating negative feelings.

If it would make you feel better to be somewhere else, to eat something if you haven’t recently, to watch something on television, to journal, or anything else that you’re not currently doing, go ahead and make the changes that you can make.

As you continue to flex this muscle, you will find that you’re more and more able to make the changes that need to be made to make you feel better. You will find that the list of the things you can change to make a positive impact on you will grow with each time you do it.

Don’t underestimate yourself or sell yourself short, but don’t take on more than you can handle. This is a very delicate balance when you’re starting out, but you will get the hang of it and you will be able to figure out the things you can do without setting yourself back further than you started.

Find an Outlet

This is something you will need to find for yourself, as it is one of those things that will vary from person to person. While getting suggestions from the people around you in life is an ideal way of finding out about new things you can do to help you, don’t feel obligated to take those suggestions if they don’t quite fit in with what works for you.

Some people like to do very light and relaxing things, while some others prefer to do something a little more arduous and involved.

Common outlets are:

Pottery

Coloring

Writing

Reading

Painting

Woodworking

Organizing

Cleaning

Budgeting

Life planning

Origami

Aromatherapy

Candle making

As you can see, there isn’t much of a central theme between each of these options, but there is an element of mental involvement for each of them. This is what you want for this kind of coping mechanism, as something that otherwise engages your mind will help you not to be so consumed by the things that are going on with others around you or others who are in your life.

There aren’t any right or wrong answers when it comes to these coping mechanisms unless they’re harmful to you or another. It’s important to be courteous, safe, and legal when you make your choices for coping strategies and outlets.

Tell Yourself it Will Be Okay

This is not a coping strategy that is based on the power of illusion or deception. This is you telling yourself the truth and getting yourself to understand this on a very basic level. When you are feeling intense negative emotion that isn’t yours, you will be okay at the end of it. There is nothing in your life that is causing you to feel these emotions, so there isn’t anything to fix. There is nothing you’ve done incorrectly or that you’ve done to deserve these feelings, and you will feel better before too long. It will be okay.

Write it Out

Writing out how you’re feeling when you end up taking on the emotions of people around you can be helpful in two ways. In the first way, it can help you to get all of those emotions out of you and onto the page. The value of this really cannot be overstated, and it’s a shame that as few people see the value that exists in it. When you’re dealing with emotions internally and you’re not talking about them with people, there are quite a few things that you might never even know about those emotions or about how you really feel.

When you’re forced to elaborate on your emotions or to explain them to others, you will go through more of the deeper things that contribute to making the emotions as intense as they are for you. You will find out why things hit you in the way that they do, and you might even find that you could relate this emotion to other emotional responses that you’ve had in other areas of your life. This is an important piece of the puzzle in your mind.

The second way in which this can be helpful is that it can provide you with a record. As you work on lessening the impact of the emotions of others on your personal life and yourself, you can get some very valuable information by reading through what you’ve written.

By looking through that record of your emotions and the impact you’ve been experiencing over time, you can tell if your strategies are really working. You can see the progress where you may not otherwise be able to see it.

Progress is such an important part of mental health, as your health is not a switch with “good” and “bad” functions. Improving your mental health is a constant effort and it’s something that needs to be maintained over your entire life and it’s something that is far more important than a good deal of us seem to realize.

Get a good amount of sleep

This can be somewhat of a hot-button issue for some. If you’re having difficulty with insomnia or if you tend to oversleep and feel worse as a result of it, you might want to talk with your doctor about figuring out how to find a middle ground that works for you.

For some, taking melatonin before bed will help them drift off to sleep more easily and to stay there without too much hassle. For some, drinking tea or meditating does more for them to improve this effort.

For those who oversleep, getting a good amount of sleep would mean having to cut down. In such cases, finding things to do in the evenings and in the mornings that are stimulating, enjoyable, and worthwhile can be a good way to keep yourself from sleeping through all the time you have between working shifts.

Those who have experienced clinical depression may be familiar with this pattern of coming home from work, watching some television, not eating a proper meal, then sleeping until it’s time to go back to work, repeating this cycle day after day. This is both a symptom and perpetuation of depression and should be talked about with your doctor if you spot such a pattern in your own life.

Chapter 4: Protecting Yourself from Narcissists and Energy Vampires

What is a Narcissist?

A narcissist is a person who has a low threshold for empathy, who seeks gratification from vain means or who seeks egotistical admiration of their own idealized self-image. This means that they’re looking for people who will admire them, they admire themselves, and that a good deal of their attention is spent on ensuring that the way they come across to others is as perfect as possible. There is a vital need and drive to look and be perfect when others can see them and there is a compulsion to receive praise and validation from others.

There is a fairly important distinction between being narcissistic and being self-centered. Self-centered or self-serving people will often do things that are to their own benefit before the benefit of others, but they are rarely malicious and rarely are they unresponsive to empathy or pleas for compassion. There are many traits of the narcissist that will set them apart from others you will encounter, and their behaviors are generally quite toxic. Being around a narcissistic person for too long will generally have ill effects on people of positive intent or character.

Finding out what a narcissist’s intentions and motivations are can be difficult, but at the center of everything will be gratification for them. It will be something that gains them positive attention, envy of them, or positive feedback about the person and their accomplishments. Narcissists will often say things like, “Love me or hate me, you can’t deny that I’m here,” or “It doesn’t matter what people are saying about you; just that they’re talking about you.”

Narcissism itself is a personality disorder that is characterized by needing to be seen, needing to be the center of attention, and needing to be seen as involved in things at the center of attention. Narcissism can manifest in many ways, and it can be more insidious than people may initially realize or give it credit for. Narcissism can drive others to do things like sabotage others or cause issues to meet their own needs.

The term narcissism is derived from the story of Narcissus in Greek mythology, who fell in love with his own reflection in a pool. Depending on your familiarity with Greek mythology, you might be able to make a pretty accurate guess at the outcome of this particular tale. Let’s just say that things didn’t quite go his way.

Being so concerned with yourself, your own image, and what you want in life that you have little to no regard for the suffering or detriment of the people around you is something that is, in itself, a pretty big issue. That being said, it can also lead to a good number of other problems for the narcissist and for the people who are connected to or closely invested in them.

Given what we’ve detailed in this chapter and in the last, you can see pretty clearly that the differences between empaths and narcissists are pretty stark. Some might go so far as to call them two ends of a spectrum when it comes to empathy, decency, and regard for others.

The unfortunate thing is that in spite of the personalities and the concerns of the narcissist and the empath being so greatly polarized, this fact doesn’t always keep the two from making a connection in life. The narcissist will often think of people in terms of their usefulness and will see people in terms of the things they have to offer them. In such a case, a narcissist will see an empath as a person they can use to meet their own needs in life.

While the energy vampire and the narcissist both have the capacity to drain energy from people, particularly from empaths, there are some key differences that we’ll explore in the next chapter.

There is a great deal of energy and usefulness to be found in the empath by people like narcissists and energy vampires, so it’s important to stay aware of who these people are, what they want, and how to avoid them.

How to Recognize a Narcissist

A narcissist will, in some cases, work to conceal their behaviors. In a good number of cases, however, the behaviors can be spotted if you know what to look for. If you can find several of the typical traits of a narcissist within someone you know, then you would do well to put some distance between you.

Narcissists, due to their callous nature and motivation, will generally be very poor friends. People who always seem to need something without ever really being there to return the favor. The traits they exhibit with the people who are closest to them would put some emotional pressure on people with even the strongest constitutions and the thickest skin. Narcissistic behavior isn’t generally something that should be tolerated.

For an empath, however, being involved with a narcissist can have catastrophic consequences. Empaths tend to throw themselves into their relationships with others and tend to give very much for those relationships. For someone who will generally take as much as they can take from someone closest to them, an empath is a gift. For the empath, it can be draining and nearly deadly when dealing with having to give more than they possess, dealing with criticisms that narcissists generally lay on the people closest to them, and having to deal with the negative emotions that the narcissist will experience from day to day.

Take a look at the section below and see if you know anyone who shows these traits or fits these descriptions. If so, then you might be dealing with someone with narcissistic tendencies. If you know someone who exhibits more than seven of the traits below, you would do well to pull back from that person as early as is possible.

The Traits of the Narcissist

Envy is a huge focus of theirs, and they assume that everyone is envious of them.

Much of what the narcissist says will be centered around whether or not someone else has something that the narcissist does not. They will be overly concerned about how much someone else has, what they did to deserve that, how the narcissist can get it, and how it makes the narcissist look that the other person has something while the narcissist does not.

To those who know the narcissist, this will be the subject of discussion when they see a thing or a situation that someone has when they do not. There will be a nearly obsessive need to return to that subject matter if it is not properly addressed and the narcissist will feel the need to find a way in which they are better than or more superior than that person.

They do not or cannot respect the boundaries of others.

The narcissist doesn’t particularly care what boundaries are set by the people around them. They will acknowledge those boundaries if they are forced to do so but will generally come up with some excuse as to why that boundary can’t or should not apply to them. These excuses are often nonsensical or flimsy at their best.

Boundaries are important in any friendship. Your friends should not be asking questions that make you uncomfortable, your friends should not be overstaying their welcome in your home, your friends should not be coming over at odd hours of the night for no reason unless you’ve discussed and agreed upon the acceptability of such behaviors.

Attempts to ask a narcissist to respect your boundaries will often be met with some statement of offense at the notion or some incredulity that you would feel the need to insist.

This could also invite such unpleasant things as tantrums, guilt trips, accusations, backhanded comments, or uncouth suggestions about your character and why you would need such boundaries.

They believe themselves to be superior to others.

As partially addressed in item one, the narcissist will often think of themselves as being higher above others. They’ll see themselves as “being cut from better cloth,” as more deserving of positive things, and generally just as better as other people. They don’t particularly have much basis for thinking this aside from statements like, “Look at me,” or other such vague statements.

Attempts to remind the narcissist to be humble will often push the narcissist into more defensive territory, wherein they’ll start to lash out, say hurtful things, or make unfair suggestions about the shortcomings of people around them. 

They are not effective communicators.

Communicating with another person requires that you relate to them on some level. It required that you see things from one another’s point of view, it requires that you don’t condescend to the person in front of you, and it requires a willingness to hear and understand someone else.

Narcissists will often be invested solely in the contributions they have to make to a conversation. They will often find themselves to be the most interesting people in the conversation and won’t see much cause for getting any feedback on what they’ve said.

The above is an extreme case, but you will often find that a narcissist doesn’t particularly hear what you’ve said because they just kind of “check out” after they’ve finished talking.

They are a perfectionist in a way that demands the people around them be perfect as well.

The narcissist has a need to be seen as perfect on some level. They will often “give advice,” that comes across more as an insult on who you are, what you look like, how you respond to things, and they will often imply that those who are not as callous as they are, are simply weak.

They will insist that the people who are married to them, who live with them, work with them, are related to them in any way are kept to a certain standard, or are written off or regarded as less valid.

They tend to exaggerate their abilities.

The narcissist wants everyone to know that they are the ones for the job. They want people to know what others have said about them, they want others to know what they have done that sets them apart from others. Another notable fact about this is that the narcissist will usually fabricate most of those facts. They want you to know that they are the leader in something, whether or not there is any factual basis for that.

Attempts to get them to take responsibility for their actions result in blaming others and deflection.

The narcissist will deflect anything they can, and they will generally utilize negative emotion as their means of doing it. They will blame others for reasons they couldn’t do something, they will bring up negative things about others that have nothing to do with the situation at hand to get you to stop asking them about their own shortcomings, and sometimes they will feign some sort of emotional breakdown in order to change the subject to one that gets them more attention and sympathy.

They are typically obsessed with success and creating an image of success for all to see.

This trait fits in with the fifth item on this list. They typically want to put forward an image of success, accomplishment, affluence, and it doesn’t generally matter very much if they are in debt, if they are not doing very well financially, or if they’ve sustained a lot of failures.

These things do not make the narcissist feel like they’re not a complete success. The narcissist’s need for the image of success will keep them in the habit of telling others that they have had nothing but success.

This is like the extreme version of “saving face,” but they do it when no one asks. 

They have an overblown or an inflated sense of their own importance.

The narcissist will often assume that they are an essential part of a project, group, company, job, or effort. This assumption and insistence are usually based on nothing but their own gut feeling and their own need to be in the middle of things and to be praised for their success.

In friendship, a narcissist might talk about assisting to pull off a party or group event when they had very little to do with it. The simple act of making a suggestion for where to have the event will give the narcissist the impression that, without them, the event would have been utterly impossible. 

                     They thrive on having control of the situation and of others.

Being in control of the situation and the people in it is the perfect place for the narcissist to ensure that things are going their way and that everyone is aware that the narcissist is in charge. The narcissist will generally take positions of leadership as lightly as possible in terms of their physical commitment and contribution to the job.

Question the involvement of the narcissist in a project in which they were “in charge,” however, and you will be informed that the narcissist was present at every phase of the project, oversaw every aspect of the project, and was instrumental in every decision that was made in order to complete it.

                     They tend to be overly sensitive about their imperfections.

Bringing up the imperfections or shortcomings of a narcissist will result in an immediate verbal attack.

The narcissist will come back at you with vicious insults or suggestions about your character, and they will not be reasoned with when people voice concern about these outbursts.

This is the type of thing that will usually be followed up with an insistence on an apology to the narcissist for “attacking their character,” or something as severe as this. Any suggestions that the narcissist should improve or might not be perfect will be met with vitriol, vigor, and an incongruously negative response.

                     Their personal relationships are typically a mess.

As you might suggest, someone who is close to a narcissist will not stay in that position for very long. Those who do will often have methods for dealing with those people which will mitigate the toxicity of their responses to certain things.

They will say things like, “There are just certain things I never bring up to them, and I’ll change the subject if they bring it up,” and “Oh, they’re fine if you just avoid certain topics.” This is a survival mechanism that people devise in order to stay connected to people who have toxic traits, without succumbing to that toxicity.

                     They expect special treatment in most circumstances.

Because of their perceived superiority, importance, and influence, the narcissist will often believe that there are some exceptions to be made for them. There are things that should be considered for them that would not be considered for the people around them or for other people in their position.

If you ask such a person why they feel they deserve such treatment, they will respond by saying that they simply think they deserve it, that they deserve the best, or that they’re not even asking very much.

This is semi-connected to their disrespect for boundaries as well.

                     They typically come across as arrogant.

Given all the examples that have been given about narcissistic behavior in the above items, I think you can see the inherent arrogance in those traits.

There are very few of these traits that someone can exhibit without coming across as exceedingly arrogant. Their belief in their pedigree, their superiority, and their disregard for manners or social convention hint at a very high level of arrogance in that person.

                     Criticism is met with extreme anger.

This is a much more intense display than this state in item number eleven. The narcissist will respond to criticism of their actions, assumptions, computations, and their character in such a way that is completely incongruous to the criticism sustained.

The narcissist will sometimes “vow to destroy” someone who “humiliates” them by suggesting that they might not be correct or infallible. 

                     They feel as though they are owed or entitled to things.

The narcissist will generally feel an entitlement to things that are not available to others. They’ll feel that they deserve handouts, opportunities, possessions, and more simply because of who they are.

The narcissist will often have difficulty finding something they don’t feel they deserve because of who they are.

                     A deep sense of insecurity hides under their façade.

The narcissist will let slip on very rare occasions that they are not nearly as secure as they make themselves seem. Their tendencies to lash out at the simplest embarrassment or at the simplest criticism shows that they have a lot to hide under the lies that they insist the people around them believe.

                     They tend to take advantage of the people around them.

The narcissist will often think of people in terms of what they can get from them. The more value they see in a particular person, the closer they will keep them because they have a higher capacity for usefulness than others. Because of this, they will often take far more than they will give.

                     Empathy doesn't come very easily—if at all—to them.

Narcissism exists somewhere on the spectrum between empathetic person and psychopathy in terms of the threshold for empathy that exists within the condition.

This is usually something you can spot by how the narcissist responds to people who are in a lower income bracket, or who are having a difficult time. If they make no accommodations for such people, they typically have much lower empathy.

Such things would look like leaving no tip in a restaurant and telling the server that if they wanted more money, they should have chosen a different job. This would look like a professor insisting that a student turns in a large homework assignment in spite of a death in the family because “that’s really not my problem.”

These are displays of a lack of empathy and should be seen as a red flag in the people that we keep closest to us.

                     They believe that they are unique or special in a way that makes them better than the people around them.

There is often some inarticulable quality that the narcissist believes they have which makes them more valuable, more desirable, and generally better than other people who might be in the same position as they. This is generally not backed up by any fact they can provide, and they will generally respond badly—if at all—to questions about why this is. 

                     If they don't receive copious compliments, admiration, adoration, and effusive praise, they will take it badly.

The narcissist will often make very obvious bids for your attention, ask for you to pay them compliments, and will become very visibly upset if their obvious attempts at garnering flattery go unnoticed or unheeded.

Most such situations will be met with anger, contempt, or even suggestions that you don’t care about this. This is a manipulation tactic.

                     They will see very small contributions on their part as much larger than they are.

If a narcissist has to impart any sort of contribution to some project or effort of any kind, they will typically overblow that contribution until it sounds like they’ve given everything they have and more to make that thing happen.

Let’s say you’ve helped a narcissist move to a new house. You’ve picked up the moving truck, you’ve helped get the truck loaded, you’ve driven it to the new house, you’ve overseen getting it unloaded, you’ve returned the truck and picked up the difference in the deposit as a housewarming gift, and you even stayed to help them get settled in for the night.

The narcissist will see buying pizza for dinner (which they shared with you) as being exceedingly generous and as the greatest contribution for the entire affair. Even if they picked a different pizza place than anyone asked for!

What is an Energy Vampire?

Positive energies that are exuded by the people around you can be rejuvenating. It’s that part about a person that makes them “refreshing to be around,” and it’s that aspect of them that makes spending time with them more relaxing than tiring. People who are introverted and who don’t enjoy spending time with many people will often bond with one person who produces and exudes positive energy, and they will prefer to spend their time with that person because they don’t exhaust them.

While these people who generate positive energy are people to be valued and appreciated, they are also people who need to be protected. This is because people who exude that positive energy is a lot like magnets. The positive will attract the negative. That positive energy isn’t just useful to people who are generally positive; it’s useful to anyone who encounters it and it can help people, no matter what their intentions are with other people.

In addition to this, there is a polar opposite of the energy vampire. The energy vampire exudes a negative energy that pulls the positive right out of you. They are exhausting people to be around, and they know how exhausting they are to be around. The energy that people lose around people who drain it from you will, in some small measure, go right to the vampire.

This is where the vampire title is more appropriate than “energy dissipator.” They do get some benefit of sapping the energy out of you, but it’s not very much and it’s not enough to sustain them for very long. This generally means that energy vampires will continue to appear in the life of someone who exudes positive energy in order to get what small benefits they can.

Energy vampires will also tend to pick up on the actions of theirs that cause a rush of positive energy out of you, and they will focus on doing those frequently because they’re interested in drawing that positive energy from you. Positive energy is something that most people need in order to survive and to be happy. Positive energy is what gets us through the day, it’s what allows us to get through the worst parts of the day, and it gives us the strength to deal with things that come from various negative things in life.

Another thing to note about energy vampires is that their behaviors aren’t limited to one specific personality type. Their unique dispositions, when paired with their innate energy-draining properties make for a few different personality types that you may recognize.

The Victim

This person does enough whining about the status quo, the things that have been done or said in their vicinity, the things that have been done or said to them, and the things that adversely affect them, whether they’re closely involved or not.

This person will never be looking for solutions but will always have something to say about how bad things are going.

The Melodramatic

This person is sometimes known as the Drama Queen, as they always seem to be able to put themselves right at the center of anything that is going wrong, any conflicts that come from silly sources. This type of person will often talk about hating being involved in drama, but when suggestions are made to keep them from getting involved, they will never make an effort to take them and will make excuses for why they need to continue dealing with, perpetuating, and causing trouble.

The Passive-Aggressive

This is the type of person who will tell you that nothing is wrong when you ask but will tell others that you’ve done something to horribly offend them. These people are not the type to ever be direct about how they feel about things that are going on as they’re happening. They’re not one to cause conflict by telling someone directly that they have an issue and would like to resolve it. They thrive on creating conflict that gets people talking and which presents very little risk to them. If they don’t say these hurtful or rude things in front of you, you can’t get mad at them and make them take responsibility for their actions.

The Irascible

This is the person who always seems to need to “vent” about things that make them very angry. This person seems to sweep into your life with a wave of anger and negative energy, then will do nothing to attempt to remove that energy or improve the vibe of the space. There are often legitimate reasons for this person to be angry, but they seem to have more reasons to be angry than anyone else in your life and they seem to have reason to be angry more often than they have reasons to be happy.

If an energy vampire knows they can count on you as a source of positive energy, then they will keep coming around you, they will keep doing the things they know leech the most positive energy from you, and they will be interested in creating as many opportunities to do that as possible.

This is where the danger is in having an energy vampire in your life; they will be looking for ways to ensure they have more time with you and more time in which to leech energy from you. If you realize that someone is an energy vampire, you would do well to remove them from your life as quickly as possible and be aware of their attempts to interject themselves into more areas of your life.

How to Spot Energy Drainers

When you’re trying to spot people, who seek to leech positive energy from you, you need to be vigilant. A lot of the behaviors above can be noticed over an extended period of time, thanks to the fact that their behaviors are a pattern. However, letting an emotional vampire into your life for long enough that they can establish such a pattern can be harmful to you. You will spend more time having your positive energy taken from you, and you risk becoming more connected with the person and you risk disconnection or mitigated connection being more difficult.

When you meet someone who you suspect is an energy vampire, your best course of action is to clam up a little bit when you first meet them. 

If you get the vibe, through your empathic means, that this person can and will suck positive energy from you, do your best to keep to yourself when they’re around and do your best not to show that the positive energy in the environment is coming from you. Keep to the people you know and talk quietly. Enjoy yourself but try to fade into the backdrop a little bit.

You will generally know energy drainers and vampires by the reputation that precedes them. Those who know them will tend to feel like the person is more negative than positive. It can also help to let your existing circle of friends know that you don’t do well when spending time with people who exhibit the most notable traits of energy vampires. This way, if they happen to know someone like that, they will be more inclined to warn you upfront or to make efforts to keep you separated from that person on occasions when you happen to be in the same vicinity.

How to Keep Energy Drainers at Bay

Attempts made by energy vampires to get closer to you should be met with disinterested or half-hearted attempts to commit to time spent together. Making excuses for why you can’t spend time getting to know someone who you know has these traits, is a great way to keep them from getting too close. There is nothing wrong with being courteous about your declinations for spending time with them, but you should do your best to keep yourself from being too available to people with these tendencies and traits.

If the person seems to be bent on making a connection with you, being in the places where you are, doing things to bring themselves closer to you, then you can make it clear that you just don’t have the time to get involved in anything at the moment and that it would be unfair for you to try to make plans with someone when you’ve been struggling to fit your other friends and family into what little free time you do have. Being busy is a very typical thing for people these days and is generally understood when it’s brought up.

If this is someone who is intimately connected with your circle of friends and family, then you would do well to talk about it with others in your circle who can be discreet. Simply let them know that the person has some traits that make you uncomfortable, that spending time with that person isn’t something you’re interested in doing for long periods of time if it can be avoided. Generally, when asked about something like this, friends and family can “run interference” for you and help to keep a degree of separation between you.

Making your intentions clear to people you don’t want to spend time with is generally the best way to go. As they say, honesty is the best policy. That being said, it can often be less comfortable to tell someone that you don’t wish to spend time with them, and negative people can react unpredictably when they’re refused something that they want. Amongst mature adults, you’re less likely to find someone who will pitch a fit when someone says they don’t want to be around them, but there are exceptions to this rule.

Chapter 5: Empaths, Parenting & Sensitive Children

Children with High Emotional Sensitivity

One of the main difficulties one will face with children who are empathic is that the emotional health of a child may be a little bit harder to navigate than that of an adult. A child can’t tell you, right off the bat, why they feel the way they do if someone else is responsible for how they feel, where the emotion is coming from, and how they’re really feeling. Generally, you will find that a child will tell you whether they’re feeling “good” or they’re feeling “bad.”

This, unfortunately, really doesn’t give you a lot to go on when trying to assess what your child is dealing with, where it’s coming from, and how best to help them cope. There are some signs you can look for, though, that can help you to determine if your child is empathic or highly sensitive.

They Are Receptive to the Energies Around Them

This will generally manifest in their asking what’s wrong when you’ve said nothing to give them the impression that anything is wrong, and it can also result in their feeling like other kids are mad at them in school when no one has said anything rude to them.

They Are More Sensitive to Stimuli Than Other Children

Highly sensitive children will often cry when others cry, will be startled very easily, exceedingly ticklish, laugh when others laugh, or they might even go into sensory overload before other children might.

This is something that has come to be an indication of children who are on the autism spectrum, but it’s not something that is exclusive to that. People who are sensitive to the things in their environment can experience everything going on around them, all at once. When this happens, the person will often feel the need to flee the area, cover their ears, close their eyes, or they might scream.

A child who is feeling sensory overload might feel like they’re under attack by the area around them and all of the things going on in it. This can be scary when it happens, but even breathing, a quiet area, and cool temperatures can help the person to feel like things are starting to normalize.

They Cry When Other Children Do, or They Cry When People Get Angry

Children who are very sensitive to the emotions of others will often mirror them. They are not aware that the emotion is theirs and they’re still in the phase of life where they will say how they feel, or they will show it if they don’t know how to say what they’re feeling.

Instances of this are most apparent when the child is fine, playing, happy, and doing well until another child in the area gets upset or hurt. The child might immediately begin crying, despite nothing being wrong for them personally.

Their Feelings Stick with Them

Some children, after a reprimand, will go right back to playing after a brief period of sadness. An empathic child, however, will often find themselves thinking about being yelled at for a much longer period of time. These periods will grow longer and longer as their attention spans mature and grow.

It is generally much harder for someone who is highly sensitive to move past a feeling of intense negative energy, so be mindful of this when you lose your temper. Do your best to apologize when you do so unjustly and be sure to level with the child about the things they’re feeling. Let them feel like they can talk to you about the way you make them feel, without fear of repercussion.

Animals Seem Drawn to and Comfortable with Them

Children who are very in tune with their emotions are typically the children that animals will instinctively trust and want to protect. Because of this, you might notice your cat nudging its head against the baby’s, the dog laying by the crib or bed, or even the bird mimicking the things the baby says.

You may also notice the animals beginning to respond when the child is upset. Staying closer when the child is sad or mad, laying in their bed when they are sick, or even watching over them until they fall asleep.

They Think More Than Other Children Their Age

Highly sensitive people tend to be very pensive and tend to think about the larger questions in life. They tend to wonder why things work the way they do, why the more minute details of human behavior are the way they are, and why people tend to follow certain patterns.

As young children, however, these types of things are harder to articulate, and you might find that your child asks fewer questions as a result. While they’re deeply inquisitive in their minds, they may reserve their questions for when they feel they can properly state them to ensure they get a good answer. 

Asking your children what they’re thinking about, however, can give them the forum to try to work out what they mean with you. You can help them to figure out what it is they want to know, then you can answer those questions for them. This helps your connection with them immensely and will solidify your position with them as a source of helpful information and as someone who can help them to eliminate confusion.

Displays of Their Compassion Are Not Limited to the Living

A child who is highly sensitive or empathic might find that they feel guilty about being rude to a teddy bear. They have an intrinsic understanding of how emotions feel (even if they don’t know why they feel that way, where they come from, or how to articulate those feelings), and they know that they don’t want to feel certain feelings.

This can make it much harder for an empath to want to throw away dolls, toys, drawings, and books. They can tend to assign personalities and feelings to these things and they will tell you if they feel bad about putting them in positions that would be disagreeable for a person in those same positions.

This can be frustrating for moms who want to clear the way for new toys or to have a yard sale, but through creativity, you can generally help the child to understand that the place the toys are going will be better for the toys, better for the child, better for you, and better for the house.

Things on TV Affect Them to a Large Degree

Children who are highly sensitive will cry during sad movies, they’ll scream about bad things happening to characters on screen, and those feelings might not go away for a while. Watching a movie where bad things happen to the cute little character they like, whether the situation gets resolved or not, could be quite the emotional ordeal for the young empath.

Movies or shows with strong emotional content should be watched when the child is well-rested. If they are sleepy, these emotions are likely to hit them much harder and more loudly.

They Enjoy Time Spent Alone

Many children are vivacious, outgoing, chatty little people who love to spend time with as many people as they possibly can. The empathic child may be all of these things but may also prefer to spend time on their own when they’re permitted to do so. They might like solitary activities like puzzles, coloring, picture books, and more.

This is a recuperative period for the emotional energy the empath needs to spend on being around other people. Each empath is different and may derive a good deal of emotional energy from being extroverted. The empath, however, will also find that their emotional energy is spent by absorbing the emotions and the sensations in the world around them.

Time to oneself and time spent being quiet and still is very recuperative and healthy for the empath, so not to worry! Just bear in mind that there is a proper balance for everything.

They Know When You’re Lying to Them

This ability isn’t just limited to you; they can often tell if another child isn’t being truthful with them and they’re not generally very gullible. Certain things that we want to tell our children like Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and other fun lies can often be questioned to a much harsher extent than other children might do.

In addition to this, they know when you’re telling them that things are fine if they are not fine. If you and your spouse have gotten into a spat and decide to keep things quiet while the children are present, the empathic child may ask what’s wrong and press the issue when you don’t answer truthfully.

This is not to say that you owe it to your child to tell them the harsh truth at all times. This is to say, however, that you are going to need to get good at answering questions in an evasive way, and you’re going to have to get very skilled at misdirection.

Getting the child interested in something else instead of answering the question is a classic technique that many parents use to an excellent result when their children ask questions to which they don’t need the answers at such a stage in their lives. 

How to Help Children Cope

Bedtime Meditations

The usefulness of meditation for people does not start at any specific age. People of all ages can benefit from taking quiet moments, clearing their minds, relaxing, and making a comfortable mental space in which they can decompress, recuperate from the day, and make their way into a very relaxed and recuperative sleep.

Bedtime meditations are guided by the parents and can be done while the child lies down, all tucked in and ready for dreams. Simply sit on the edge of the bed and instruct them in closing their eyes, then guide their thought process through the meditation and end off with the child envisioning themselves drifting off to sleep.

You can find specific guides for these meditations from numerous sources online and in bookstores, so if you wouldn’t like to come up with them yourself, there is still a wealth of options for you.

This helps with bedtime as a whole, as it offers parent and child some time together, it helps you to bond, and it makes bedtime a much more relaxed and controlled affair without all the fuss that bedtime can sometimes have.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness, when taught from a young age, can help a person to know when and how to detach themselves from the feelings they have had earlier. It helps to bring them into the here and now, and it gives them more even ground from which they can look at what is going on, what they need to do, and it can help them to make increasingly more appropriate and logistically beneficial moves as they grow.

Scheduled Decompression

If you put the time in your child’s schedule to come away from the digital screens, to turn off external noise, and to enjoy their own time with themselves, it won’t be such a shock each night to remove these things from their environment.

In addition to this, you’ll be providing an environment in which being by themselves if recuperative and enjoyable. The child is less likely to end up feeling isolated, abandoned, or frightened in times when there aren’t numerous outside distractions keeping them from engaging in their own mind.

Scientific studies tell us as well that removing digital screens from our field of view for a minimum of 30 minutes before bed each night can improve the quality of the sleep we get and the time it takes us to drift off each night.

Five Senses Meditation

This is a skill that you can teach your child to help them to cope when there isn’t an adult present to help even them out. If your child is in daycare or school outside of the home, this can be an excellent coping skill to help them continue through their day with much less difficulty.

The principle behind five senses meditation is for the child to focus on their senses when they’re feeling an intense rush of negative emotion. Teach them to sit still for a moment, close their eyes, breathe in deeply, and focus on the things around them that they can hear, feel, smell, taste, and then have them open their eyes to look around and focus on what they can see right in front of them.

Doing this puts all of their focus on things that have nothing to do with that negative emotion, gives them the chance to see that nothing around them is physically wrong and that they can relax and solve the problem if it’s still an issue.

This will take time for them to learn, but it’s an invaluable skill.

Help Them to Choose an Outlet

Things that a child can do when they’re feeling upset will help them to relax is very important. This could mean something that they need to do at the moment like the five senses meditation, or this could be something they do each night when they come home, like coloring or playing with blocks.

Whatever your child needs to help get things out should be the focus of this coping strategy. The average child should spend a good deal of their time doing things that bring them joy, as well as doing things that help the family.

Helping with chores from a young age will help them get used to those tasks and it helps the child to feel invested in the wellbeing and the overall operation of the household. Teach them how to set the table, do the dishes, take the trash out, or fold the laundry and set up specific times when they can do these things.

If your child can see these things as therapeutic, they’re less likely to allow a hard day to keep them from doing the things they need to do as adults to keep their life on the right track!

Encourage Them to Spend Time by Themselves When They Need It

Make sure your child knows that the time they like to spend with themselves is beneficial. Make sure they’re aware that there are no hard feelings if they would rather spend some time doing something in their room by themselves than to watch a movie with the family.

Be understanding of the time they need to themselves and make sure that they feel good about telling you when they need it.

Parenting as an Empath

Parenting as an empath can be quite difficult, as you are acutely aware of the emotions your child is feeling at all times, and you’re acutely aware of everyone else’s as well. Thanks to this, it can be hard to focus on the things that you need to do throughout the day and in your parenting duties.

It can be hard, when you’re feeling the emotions from someone else, not to exhibit those with your child. It can be hard not to respond to your child with the anger that they’re personally feeling. It can be hard not to feel the emotions your child is feeling and to take that out on your significant other.

As a result of these things, it’s imperative that you take care of yourself and to make time for yourself. You must make sure that you’re letting go of the emotions that aren’t yours, that you’re getting time for yourself to recharge your batteries, that you’re not overspending your emotional energy, and that you’re doing things that will give you more emotional energy in the following day.

This can mean leaning on your partner from time to time and getting time for yourself when you need it, it can mean an early bedtime for the kids one or two nights per week, it can mean asking a family member or friend to take the kids a couple times per month, or some other escape or release.

Don’t allow yourself to get so snowed under all the emotions of the people in your life that you miss out on the opportunities to take care of yourself.

Coping Strategies for the Empathic Parent

Meditation

Meditation has a large number of variations, types, and focuses. It’s possible that one type of meditation does nothing for you while another type does everything for you, so be sure to look around. Find a method that works for you and take time to let go of the things in your day that has the potential to keep you from getting the rest you need for the next day.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness can be done mentally, but it can also be done on paper. If you like the concept of mindfulness, and you like the concept of writing down your feelings, try writing your mindfulness thought processes in a journal.

This provides a record of how you’re feeling from day to day, and it will also tell you if you’re consistently getting a good result from your meditation.

Journaling

Journaling has so many different aspects to it that can be helpful for someone who is dealing with a lot of emotions throughout each day. As an empath with children, you will find that each day has more emotional content than you may have previously experienced before children.

Writing down the way you have been feeling, the way your kids have been feeling, and how your day went can help you to see the things that were done incorrectly, and it can also give you a chance to validate the things you did right.

Too few parents are given the opportunity to validate them for the things they do right with their children and are left feeling like the world’s worst parent on those really tough days. I promise you that you’re not the world’s worst anything and that you’re doing great as a parent.

Being a mom or a dad is far more work than anyone without kids would ever understand, and the sheer output of emotional energy throughout each day is staggering. You’re doing amazingly and you deserve to validate yourself for the things that go right.

Spend Time with Friends Your Age

Parenting has so many rewards and spending time with your children is such a gift. Spending all of your time with your children will turn your poor brain into oatmeal. You need to associate with other adults, to talk about your day, to joke about things, and to watch television that isn’t intended for audiences of ten or younger.

Being isolated and having time for yourself is nice for the empath, in proper measure. Balance is important and spending all your time isolated from your friends can make for a bad emotional state. Chances are also that your friends miss you and would like to spend more time with you than they currently are.

Like everything in life, this can be hard to schedule. Especially with children in your life. However, finding a sitter, having your spouse take over for the evening, or having a friend or family member host them for the evening are options for allowing you to spend some time with your friends.

Even if you’re only able to do this one weeknight a month, a few hours with your friends here and there will do more positive things for you than you’re giving it credit for right now. I can tell that you’re making excuses for why it might not work out to schedule something, but I’m not backing down. Find one evening in the next two weeks that you can spend with your friends and commit to it. Call them right now; I’ll wait here.

Find a Creative Outlet

Our creative pursuits can take a backseat when we have children. If this was the case for you, schedule some time when you can go pick that back up, get back into it, and then commit to come regular schedule (it doesn’t matter how sparse) on which you can do things with that outlet.

If you don’t have such a thing, think of something you would like to do! Think of something you’ve been meaning to try, something you’ve wanted to get into, something a friend has been doing and which they could probably show you how to do, or something that just sounds interesting to you. Once you find the thing you’d like to do, schedule a time to get started.

Every new habit starts with the first step toward doing it once.

Chapter 6: Empaths & Work

Disadvantages of High Sensitivity in the Workplace

Being highly sensitive to the stress of others, their anxiety, their anger, and their other negative emotions can make it difficult to focus on the things in your work that you would like to get done! If you have a boss who is going through some difficulty with their boss, you might feel the effects of that stress and anxiety before your boss ever comes to talk to you about it.

The reason this could be disadvantageous is that it can cause a considerable amount of stress for you personally to know that someone else isn’t doing well. Especially if you know that the person who is feeling stressed is about to come and give you orders that you have to follow.

There is a saying in the workplace about unpleasant things traveling in a downward trajectory on the corporate ladder, and there is a good deal of truth to it. If someone’s boss was angry or rude with them, they will generally pass that negativity downward to the people who are working for them.

Knowing that this is coming your way doesn’t necessarily soften the blow. Knowing that someone who isn’t even in your department is feeling terrible and then feeling terrible as a result could also cause you a good deal of difficulty in simply trying to make it through your day and to deliver your best work possible to the company that you work for!

Advantages of High Sensitivity in the Workplace

If you have people working under you, it can be incredibly helpful to know when they’re not doing well. It can help to know what someone can handle before you even give them the work, and it can help to know exactly what kind of attitude you will get back from the person who works under you before you even bring things to them.

Certain people who are not overly concerned with social decorum, people who are energy vampires, or people who are narcissistic might be more combative, manipulative, or troublesome than someone who simply wants to be there and do their job for you. You, being someone with empathic abilities, can pick up on this type of personality, can pick up on this method of behavior, and can know that you will have to deal with it before it’s ever thrown at you.

Having to work with people who are energy vampires or who are narcissistic have their own pitfalls, but as someone who can see that type of personality for what they are, you can protect yourself before they ever get the chance to cause you any trouble.

Being able to understand how the emotions of others work, you are also far more capable of reasoning with customers who are upset, you’re far more capable of connecting with the people who you have to work within your day to day, and you’re more able to tell how best to relay certain things to the people you need to work within the daily operations of your business. 

Ideal Careers for Empaths

These are careers that make hefty usage of the bedside manner, understanding of emotions, personal connection, and the caring attitude that can come from an empath. When you feel the passion for the things that you do, when you know how the people you’re caring for are feeling, when you’re as invested in the success of the people you’re working to help as they are, you will have great success in each of these careers.

Nurse

Psychologist

Life coach

Writer

Veterinarian

Musician

Guidance counselor

Teacher

Social worker

Difficult Careers for Empaths

These are careers that thrive on pressure, occlusion, tenacity, and are centered around some of the darker components of human nature. These are careers that could be very difficult, if not severely damaging to someone with empathic abilities.

Try to think of how it would feel to be in these careers, what the hardest parts of each of these careers are, and how it would feel for you to be the person to have to lead the way in each of those situations; could you do it?

Sales

Public relations

Politics

Law

Corrections

Military personnel

Chapter 7: Empaths, Love & Sex

The Effects of an Intimate Relationship on an Empath

An empath in an intimate relationship for the first time might be shocked to find how invested they immediately are in the emotional wellbeing of the person in the relationship with them. They might find themselves alarmed at how in tune they are to those emotions, how much of their attention is taken up by that emotional energy, and they might have difficulty with keeping an appropriate amount of emotional distance between themselves and their partner in the beginning.

It can be hard for an empath to separate themselves from the things that are going on in the life of the other person, but they also might find that they have a hard time focusing on their own emotions, addressing their own needs, and doing the things that they need to do in order to live their life around this other person whose emotions now pervade all their mental space and dominate a large amount of their thinking.

However, someone who is empathic might find that they have a much better grasp on the whole relationship thing than they might have guessed, once they get a handle on separating their own emotions from those of their significant other.

Knowing when someone is upset without them having to tell you can do a lot to help you address that fact before it gets out of hand. Being an empath with emotional intelligence can allow you and your partner to speak very candidly about how you feel, why you feel the way you do, and how to address things moving forward.

This can cut out the cat and mouse game that can seem to manifest in the relationships of people who aren’t really great for each other, who don’t have emotional intelligence, and who can’t seem to say what they mean, how they feel, or to discuss it in a way that can help bring them to a greater understanding.

Benefits of Empathy in an Intimate Relationship

Being empathetic in your relationship with other people gives you a much greater understanding of the person you’re dating. Your empathic abilities give you a common ground to start on because you already understand how that person is feeling. This is a good deal of the fight when it comes to getting to know someone, so you’re ahead of the game!

More and more people tend to relate to the more human aspects of their personalities as well. The things that make us anxious, the things that make us confused, and the things that just plain aren’t fair. When we talk about these things and find common ground in dealing with this type of thing, it will give you something in common right from the jump.

Being an empath makes you more comfortable to be around and it makes it easier to relate to you on things. People will want to spend time with you and they will enjoy your company simply by virtue of your magnetism, your positive energy, and your empathic abilities.

Use that to your advantage to get comfortable with someone, to talk with them about the things that make them happy, and to establish a rapport with that person. Doing so gives you a great foundation for a relationship, as communication is such a key to successful ones.

When people say that communication is the key to successful relationships, this is because when you communicate effectively with someone, you are both putting your points of view out for each other to see, you discuss them, and you come to a mutual understanding that makes things go more smoothly.

This mutual understanding is predicated on that empathy that you can feel more strongly than other people around you can. You can see their point of view much more easily, and that makes it so much easier for you to relate to that person. Use that to your advantage to create a healthy, happy relationship.

How to Manage Empathic Responses in a Relationship

One of the things you will need to do when you get into a relationship is to keep your empathic responses from telling you what the other person is trying to say before they say it. It is important to hear people out when they’re talking to you and it’s important to respond to what they’re saying appropriately. If they feel like you’re not listening to them, or that you don’t want to hear all of what they have to say, they will take offense and it will be hard to mediate that and move forward from it. You cannot have effective communication if you’re not doing your part of it.

Try not to fix your partner’s feelings. If you find that your partner is having difficulty with something and you understand what the problem is, try not to fix it for them. There is nothing wrong with talking to someone who wants your input on the things they’re going through, offering advice when they want it, and hearing what they have to say about everything that they’re currently dealing with.

Do not, however, tell them how they are feeling, try to impose the solutions for those feelings, or interject yourself into the middle of the situation if you have not been asked to do so.

Furthermore, if you have asked how your partner is doing and they don’t feel like talking to you about it, don’t push them to do so. Don’t ask your partner to share things with you when they’re not comfortable doing so, no matter how well you think you understand what they’re going through.

Someone coming to you about something they’re going through should be done on their own cognizance, should be done with their willingness, and should be done so when they feel comfortable with it.

You cannot force someone to be comfortable, especially when they’re not doing well. If your partner never gets comfortable in talking to you about their emotions, that will be an issue that you should address with them when they’re doing well and when they have the emotional energy to hear you tell them such things. 

Deep Personal Connections & Their Effects on Sex

Being an empath in a relationship with someone, you will often find that you have created an emotional connection with that person that is deeper than most that your partner has felt anywhere else. You will find that those connections affect every aspect of your life with that person, not the least of which is sex.

Feeling completely in tune with a person’s emotional and physical responses makes the things that you say and do together bear a lot more weight than they ever would with other people. If you and your partner say, “I love you,” it’s not something that is out of habit and it will often bear a lot more weight than if you were to say it to someone who you love, but who doesn’t share that same deep, emotional connection that the two of you share.

When having sexual relations with someone, being able to anticipate their needs, being able to tell how they feel, and being able to do things that intensify those feelings make those relations much more meaningful, and much more profound.

In short, sex with someone when you feel completely in love with them will always feel far better than sex you can have with someone who has a basic emotional connection with you. That deep emotional connection is tied to every single aspect of your lives together and it shows in everything you do.

Chapter 8: How to Overcome Anxiety & Fears

The Effects of Fear & Anxiety on the Body & Mind

Headaches

These can come and go, they can range in severity, and they can ruin your entire day. If you spend a lot of time stressing, there are things it can cause you to do that can cause a headache, or it can simply cause a headache on its own.

Make sure, if you’re getting stress headaches, you’re drinking plenty of water and that you’re doing your best to get an appropriate amount of sleep at night. Eliminating screens before bedtime should also assist with the trouble of sleeping and headaches.

Muscle aches

Being stressed or anxious means that you’re always tense. Thanks to this, your poor muscles can be exhausted before you even realize that you’ve been flexing them on a nearly constant basis.

These aches can occur all over the body from the calves and thighs, all the way up to the neck and face. These can be alleviated through massage, Epsom salt baths, supplements, and intake of calcium and magnesium in healthy dosages.

Chest pain

Being anxious can cause tightness in the chest. If the anxiety is strong enough, this can make you feel like you’re having a cardiac episode, especially if you’ve never had a cardiac episode and all you know is that chest pain equals a cardiac episode. These can sometimes be accompanied by an elevated heart rate, sweating, heavy breathing, and other symptoms.

However, if you find that you’re having chest pains while you’re simply sitting there thinking about things and no other symptoms follow, look to the coping strategies in this book and put some of them to work for you.

IF YOU BELIEVE YOU’RE HAVING A CARDIAC EPISODE, CALL EMERGENCY SERVICES.

Fatigue

Because of how tense you are from stress and anxiety, all your physical energy has been spent and put into exhibiting the symptoms of stress and anxiety. It has overspent your physical and your emotional energy, so now you’re sitting at a deficit, which makes you feel complete fatigue in both your mind and your body.

Loss of Sex Drive

It can be really difficult to feel the drive to do anything intimate or romantic when you’re so preoccupied with feeling like everything is going badly. If you experience a loss in sex drive, you may want to consult with your physician. Many people only experience this symptom after many of the others have come to pass, and it’s time to speak with a professional.

This might not be something that is of great importance to you in life, but it should be noted that if it was important to you at one time before things seemed to get more complicated, there is a chance that it is a symptom of anxiety or stress.

Upset Stomach

Being stressed can give you a case of the gurgles and it can give you a wicked stomachache or put your stomach in knots. Try to drink some water, eat something mild, and see how you feel. If you feel like you need to guzzle Pepto so you don’t feel nauseated, you may want to speak with a professional.

Digestive Issues

If those stomach issues go unchecked, you might find that some more severe symptoms develop. Those knots in your stomach can lead to poor digestion, which can lead to irritable or irregular bowel function.

You may also find that the stress you’ve been feeling has elevated the acid production in your stomach. This acid production and stress can cause ulcers and other severe issues within the stomach.

Take care of yourself and, if you find that your stomach is getting holes in it because of all the stress and anxiety you’re feeling, take proactive steps to make changes!

Sleep Problems

Proper rest is so important to living a good life, lowering stress, lowering anxiety, and getting through one’s day with as little difficulty as possible. It’s hard for your brain to manage everything that it needs to manage if you’re not giving it the sleep it needs.

This is only exacerbated if you’re also not eating properly, so both should be done in proper measure.

Be sure that you’re not sleeping too little, or too much. You should be getting between six and eight hours of sleep per night, and you should be staying asleep through the night with the exception of a bathroom break or two.

If you’re having trouble with this, speak with your doctor about what can be done to help you to get the sleep that is appropriate for you. 

Rashes

Itchy or blotchy rashes on your skin can manifest if you’re too stressed for too long. Hives are a common symptom of stress, but they should be addressed by a doctor. Scratching at those rashes in your skin can lead to skin tearing, infection, scarring, or worse.

Consult with a doctor about the best method of addressing those rashes, of returning your skin to normal, and of addressing the stress and the anxiety that helped those rashes to form in the first place.

Irregular Heartbeat

This is a very severe symptom and should be addressed by a medical professional. It may or may not be something that is permanent, but a doctor should be the one to tell you this for certain.

If you find that your fitness tracker or your own monitoring of your heartbeat is telling you that your heartbeat is behaving erratically, let your physician know, have them check you out, let them know what’s been causing you stress lately, and ask for help with managing that symptom.

High Blood Pressure

Stress can cause your blood pressure to spike. As you’re pushing to get things done, as you’re worrying about things, and as you’re imagining the worst-case scenarios while in the throes of anxiety and stress, your heart is working overtime. Your ticker is pumping the best is can and your blood pressure may raise while all this is going on as a result of that stress and anxiety.

Take steps to lower your blood pressure if you find that it’s elevated. Improve your diet, reduce stress, get proper sleep, and speak with your doctor about the possibility of needing medication to lower it.

Odd Skin Dryness or Maladies

Psoriasis and eczema can occur in the skin if stress and anxiety go unaddressed. These are similar to rashes, but the condition will often require a steroid or special ointment to clear up properly. Thanks to these conditions being itchy, it’s possible to open the skin with scratching and open you up to infections and scarring without proper treatment.

Be sure to speak with your doctor if you’re exhibiting symptoms of stress-induced psoriasis or eczema.

Brittle, Lifeless, or Dull Hair

Thanks to all the other things that can come from stress and anxiety, it’s possible for even your hair to show signs of it by going limp, looking frizzy, dull, or lifeless. You might find that your hair breaks much more easily, it never feels soft, it won’t hold the style you want it to hold, and it won’t hold color as well, either.

TMJ

TMJ is characterized by chronic pain or spasms in the jaw joint just near your ears. It can swell, it can throb, it can spasm, and it never feels great. TMJ can cause migraines and headaches, and it can be caused by a number of other health conditions. If you have TMJ and you are severely stressed, speak with your doctor to see if the two could possibly be connected.

Teeth Grinding

Gritting your teeth and grinding your jaws together when you’re stressed can cause a lot of pain in the mouth and jaw. It can cause severe headaches, cracked teeth, and a lot of other problems in the body that you might not expect.

If you’re grinding your teeth in your sleep, your doctor can prescribe a rubber guard to place between your teeth while you sleep at night to stop it from happening. The best option, however, is to address that stress that keeps you grinding your teeth day and night.

Your dentist won’t thank you, but your teeth will!

Lowered Immune Response

When you are dealing with a lot of stress and anxiety, you might find that you get sick with much more frequency. You might find that you are susceptible to every cold that goes around the office, you might find that you get every little big that goes around, every stomachache, etc. This is due to the lowered immune response that your body has in times of extreme stress.

If you find that you are stressing out about things on a consistent basis, your body is expending a lot of additional energy that it likely doesn’t have. One of the systems that the body has to pull energy from in order to use its other necessary functions, is the immune system.

Mood Swings

When we’re stressed, we are much more likely to snap at the people around us, to feel a very small reprieve from moments that should make us happy, and to feel sad at the smallest little trigger. Thanks to these things, it can seem like we’re wearing a new mood every 30 seconds throughout the day, when the fact is that we don’t have the emotional energy to sustain anyone emotion for very long or to keep every negative emotional response at bay while we deal with everything that’s going on in our lives.

Panic Attacks

Panic attacks, if you’ve never had one, are nasty. They are alarming, they feel terrible, and they give you the feeling that everything is crumbling around you. I promise you, this is not the case, you will be okay, you will survive the attack, and they do not last forever.

They are usually characterized by erratic breathing, sometimes hyperventilation, shaking, crying, a sense of doom, increased heart rate, and an inability to focus on things without being overwhelmed by them.

They will generally blow over in a matter of minutes, but they feel like they take forever when you’re in the middle of them. 

Depression

Being stressed over an extended period of time can leave you feeling like there just isn’t any hope. Stress serves to make you feel like the things that aren’t going well in your life are going to continue going badly and like there isn’t anything you can do about them.

This is not the case, there is help to be had, and in many cases, there are physical things that you can do to make the changes that you need to make in how you’re doing.

The coping strategies in this chapter will help you to make those changes, to manage your time properly, and to come back from the stress that your life puts on you from day to day.

If you feel like you might need to speak with a professional to change the way your stress and anxiety make you feel, then feel free to do so and get the help that you need.

Irritability

When you’re in the middle of dealing with stress and anxiety, it can feel like any little annoyance that crosses your path is something that deserves the full weight of your wrath.

Being cranky as a result of stress is a response as old as stress itself. It doesn’t make it okay, it doesn’t make it less upsetting for the person on the receiving end, but it does help to know that you’re not the only one who can react in this type of manner when things aren’t going the way you feel they ought to be going.

Difficulty Breathing

Shortness of breath and hyperventilation can both cause huge problems for you. The biggest thing they’re good for right off the bat is making your anxiety even worse. A few things can elevate your heart rate in the same way that not being able to breathe properly can do.

Focus on the controlled breathing exercises in the first part of the next section, even out your air intake, calm yourself down, and know that it will all be okay.

If you feel like you are suffocating or not getting enough air, have someone contact emergency services right away, as that could be something else. While you wait for them to arrive, just focus on your breathing and try to even it out.

Exhaustion

Between spending more energy than you have, poor sleeping, and everything else that stress and anxiety cause you to deal with throughout your daily life, there’s really no wonder why you would feel completely exhausted by the end of each week.

Not being able to relax because of the stress and anxiety that you’re feeling can cause you to get very little out of the time you’re not spending at work. You don’t feel like you’re relaxing, and it might feel like you’ve just worked a 30-hour day!

Irregular Sweating Patterns

Sweating too much from palms, underarms, or the forehead when you’re nervous is not uncommon. It can be embarrassing, but just remember that everything will be okay, drink plenty of cool water, replenish your electrolytes, and try to put yourself in a space with a lower temperature.

Don’t fan yourself, as you will only serve to raise your body temperature and make the sweating worse!

Jumpiness

People who are frazzled or stressed beyond belief will often jump just about sky-high when startled. You might find that you’re incredibly tense,

waiting for something to go wrong or to happen, and the second it does, all your stress responses flash and you nearly leap out of your skin.

Dry Mouth

This can happen when you’re stressed or anxious. Drink plenty of water, but don’t drink too fast. You don’t want that sloshing feeling in your belly when you’re trying to deal with the things that are causing that stress.

Coping Strategies

Controlled Breathing

The first exercise we’ll cover is called Natural Breathing. This is breathing that is focused on the abdominal region of your body. This exercise is one that can be adopted as your general manner of breathing throughout every day unless you’re doing some sort of physical activity that exerts the body. By utilizing this practice throughout your day, your body will get the oxygen it needs, and exhalation of carbon dioxide will be closely regulated where it ought to be.

As you utilize this method, you will be slowly taking in a normal amount of air through your nose until your lungs are filled, then exhale evenly. The first time you give this a shot, you might want to put one hand on your stomach, as well as one on your chest. This will allow you to feel that the hand on your stomach will rise while the one on your chest stays level. This is your indication that you’re breathing with the lower part of your lungs. As you continue to focus on this even rhythm of breathing, a sense of calm should begin to take over.

Natural Breathing

Place one hand on your stomach and one hand on your chest.

With a gentle and slow rhythm, inhale a normal, comfortable amount of air in through your nose, taking care to fill only your lower lungs. This means that the hand on your stomach should rise, while the hand on your chest remains level.

Exhale without much force, just allowing the breath to leave your body.

Continue breathing in this way with a relaxed approach, concentrating on your breath and not the things that have bothered you.

This pattern is sort of the stark contrast to the reflexive response of hyperventilating or breathing too fast and too shallowly to do the body any good in times of stress.

The second breathing technique is a more calming breath that sort of takes the reins, takes over your thinking, and stops the hyperventilation in its tracks. This is a great tactic to use in times when you’re feeling a sense of panic or heavy anxiety. This method of breathing is one of the quicker ways to rein in hyperventilation and to bring you back around to that calmer, more collected frame of mind and physical state.

Calming Breathing

Place one hand on your stomach and one hand on your chest.

Through your nose, take a long, slow breath to fill your lower lungs first, then your upper lungs. You’ll feel your hand on your stomach rise, then the hand on your chest.

To the count of three, hold your breath.

Through a small opening in your lips, slowly release the breath and feel the muscles relax in your chest and abdomen.

Relax the muscles in your face, jaw, and your shoulders to relieve stress and pressure.

In addition to being a great tactic for releasing you from the grips of hyperventilation, this is a great exercise that can help you to exercise calmness throughout your day. At several points when it’s convenient for you, take the time to do this exercise. You can do this in times when tension rises, when work gets stressful, or even when you simply have a moment to yourself.

This exercise can be a great way to become comfortable and familiar with this process so that, in the event that you find yourself hyperventilating due to anxiety or stress, you will have this tactic under your belt and ready to use to bring you back around to even ground.

The more familiar you get yourself with this process during times of calm, the more readily you will be able to remember and use it during times of panic or high tension. Waiting for an emergency to strike before you prepare for it will set you up for a much more difficult time getting through it.

Question the Thought Pattern

Ask yourself if you’re in the middle of a negative thought pattern that could be destructive to you if you continue on with it. As yourself if the thought pattern is one that is helpful or if it’s one that is harmful. Is it one that should be permitted to continue because it will lead you to a better result, or is it one that will only hurt you if it’s allowed to continue?

Simply by questioning the type of thought pattern you’re dealing with, you interrupt it. Interrupting your thought pattern is the best starting point for changing its course and putting your mind onto a track that will yield better results.

Aromatherapy

Between incense, candles, essential oils and so many other means, there is no shortage of ways to introduce aromas into your life that will help you to feel less stressed, to feel happy, and to get some quality relaxation time into your day.

Take a little bit of time and breathe in those smells, close your eyes, and allow yourself to take the time to get the benefits from those aromas. Aromatherapy can be a hobby in its own right if you’re interested in making candles, blending essential oils, and more.

Take a Walk

Taking a walk is a great exercise because it’s light, it doesn’t exhaust you, it gives you time to think, it gives you fresh air, and it gives you just a little burst of endorphins that you can use to help you get through periods of stress, sadness, anxiety, or other negative emotions.

Bonus points if you take your walk right after a meal, as this helps with digestion in the evenings and can lead to a much more sound and restful sleep!

Do Yoga

Yoga can help to relax you, to stretch you out, to keep you from being tense, and to center your mind. If you don’t like doing the classroom thing, there are plenty of instructional videos and publications that will teach you how to do the poses in the comfort of your own home.

It is recommended that you try your poses with someone who knows how to teach them the first time around, so they can tell you if the things that you’re doing are proper form, or if you need to adjust for safety.

Write it Out

No matter what you’re feeling, you can always write it down to process it.  You can even type it out if that is something you prefer to do to save paper, your hand muscles, and time. Going through your emotions at the pace it takes to write them out can help you to go through all the parts of what you’re feeling, lay them out in a way that makes sense, and to understand the ramifications of everything you’re dealing with.

Light Stretching and Muscle Relaxation

If you’re feeling stressed or anxious, take some time to loosen all your muscles. Relax your shoulders, unclench your jaw, sit up straight, unclench your hips or glutes, and just let the muscles fall into a more comfortable position. Stretch your arms and joints light until you feel just slightly rubbery, then allow yourself to get back into your work once you’re feeling better

Oxytocin Pressure Point

There is a pressure point in your hand, just between the thumb and forefinger that will release oxytocin when pressed. Without exerting so much pressure you hurt yourself, grip the thicker, soft flesh between your thumb and finger with the opposing thumb and forefinger, and press.

Do this for a few seconds while breathing deeply and slowly, then refocus on what you’re doing. You should feel a little bit of relief.

Adjust Your Posture

Check the way you’re sitting in your chair or standing at your desk. If you find yourself hunching over or in an odd position, make adjustments so you’re sitting up straight, your chin is parallel to the desk surface, and your arms aren’t extended too far from your body in order to complete your tasks.

Relax your muscles and get back to it. 

Spend Time in Nature

Taking a walk along a body of water, spending time in the woods, or spending time with animals is a great way to bring yourself back down to Earth, so to speak. It can be so easy to get so tied up in the things that we need to do each day that we simply forget how the world around us.

People who are highly sensitive will generally find the properties of nature to be very restorative and will find a good deal of peace for them in the great outdoors.

Cope with the Hypothetical Worst-Case Scenario

If something, in particular, is worrying you, think about what the worst possible outcome for it could be. Tell yourself that this is simply an exercise in the hypothetical, that none of it will come to pass in the immediate term, and try to think about all the aspects of that outcome that would negatively affect you.

How could you cope with those things? What things would you do to bring your life back into the realm of normalcy and regularity? Could you do it?

Often, showing ourselves that we will be okay in any possible event is the way to cool down the anxiety response. Things will turn out okay and you will be fine. 

Take a Break to Center Yourself

For some, this could mean a brief meditation. For others, this could simply mean pulling yourself out of whatever thought process has your brain all wrapped up, coming into the here and now, and working on the situation that is currently in front of you.

Once you feel that your attention has pulled away from that other situation that isn’t right in front of you, go back into the tasks that need your immediate attention with all the attention you now have.

You will find things to go along much more smoothly when you make this effort and when you are very purposeful about what you do with all the attention you have to offer.

Take a Hot Bath

This one might sound cliché to you, but it’s miraculous how much this can do. It’s a very relaxing environment that you make for yourself when you take a bath, the water is very warm and relaxing, and you can add things to the water like bath bombs, Epsom salts, essential oils (make sure they’re fit for skin contact), and more to help you relax and enjoy while you recuperate and recover with the help of the warmth and the additives in the water. 

Organize Something

For some, the act of putting an organized system into their life, work, computer, or other places can help to bring a sense of calm into things. Organization makes things easier to deal with, easier to look at, easier to think about, and it can give one a sense of control and stability that they may not have previously had.

If you’re feeling very anxious and aren’t sure you have the ability to do very much to organize, take a small project and tackle that first. The drawer in the kitchen with all the random things in it that doesn’t even open properly could probably use some help. Take all the old duck sauce packets and take out menus out of there and toss those because you likely don’t need them. Put all the hardware and tools on one side, all the batteries on the other, and soon enough you’ll find that you can actually see what’s in the drawer when you open it!

This is a small task that gives you a rather notable sense of accomplishment! This accomplishment will help you to feel less anxiety, will help you to have the strength to get to the other things that you want to do, and will give you the confidence to tackle other organization projects with excitement.

Forgive Yourself

If you’re feeling anxious about something that you’ve done improperly, inappropriately, or wrongly, then you need to forgive yourself. You are human, mistakes happen, lapses in judgment happen, and you don’t deserve to be on the cross for whatever it was that you did.

If you hurt someone, apologize. If you did something that was wrong, do what you can to make it right. If you made a mistake, get help to fix it. This is all anyone can ask of you and it’s all that you should ask of yourself.

If whatever has been done cannot be made right, do the best you can. Offer what help you can, make an effort to make a difference, and move on. You are human and, like the rest of us, you’re going to make more mistakes. This is not the end of you.

Turn off the News

Watching the news or reading newspapers with regularity and impart a feeling of hopelessness into one’s daily life. The way to keep one from feeling this hopelessness is to turn off the news and to get involved in local efforts to improve the status quo. Be nice to the people in your area, help to feel the homeless, talk to people about what is going well in their lives, compliment a stranger, pay for someone’s coffee, or spend time in a coffee shop and watch how kind strangers are to one another.

This will help with the feeling of hopelessness. There are things that are not right in this world, there are people who do not get what they need, there are people who do things they shouldn’t be doing, and there is always bad news to spread in the world, but your focus is what matters.

The things you focus on are the things that will dominate your life, so stay informed of the things that are important, but know that there is good in the world and do your best to contribute to it.

Make a List of Things That You've Been Avoiding and Do One of Them

Sometimes, we can get overwhelmed by the list of things that we’ve been putting off for quite some time. Renew your registration, call your mother, write that email to your kid’s teacher, or whatever else there is on your list that you need to get done.

Don’t feel bad, we all have things that we’ve put onto the back burner while more important things were getting done in our lives. The important thing is that we get these things done before they cause a problem and that we don’t allow them to cause us anxiety.

Once they’re done, you will likely feel a purge of anxiety that is stronger than you expected. These tiny little tasks can tie up so much more of our attention and our emotional energy than we generally tend to realize. 

Clean Something You've Been Meaning to Clean

When was the last time you scrubbed around the rim of the tub? Is it getting grimy? You might do well to do things of this type, as it alleviates a lot of pressure to do so. This can be the inside of the fridge, your credit report, your living room, that one closet that the kids know never to open unless they want the house to flood with junk, the basement, the car, or even the kids’ rooms.

These things being cluttered can actually take up space in our minds. It eats up the mental energy we have for certain things, it makes us anxious, and we just hate looking at it! Not to mention how we feel when someone important comes over (read: mother-in-law) and almost opens the closet.

Do yourself a favor and dedicate a couple of hours a week to cleaning out those areas and you will see at the end of them how much good it will do for you to see these things improve right before your eyes.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness can be done mentally, but it can also be done on paper. If you like the concept of mindfulness, and you like the concept of writing down your feelings, try writing your mindfulness thought processes in a journal.

This provides a record of how you’re feeling from day to day, and it will also tell you if you’re consistently getting a good result from your meditation.

Meditation

Meditation has a large number of variations, types, and focuses. It’s possible that one type of meditation does nothing for you while another type does everything for you, so be sure to look around. Find a method that works for you and take time to let go of the things in your day that has the potential to keep you from getting the rest you need for the next day.

If You've Been Reading Too Much into a Subject, Stop

While it is prudent for us to look into the things that are causing us difficulty in life, or into the things we wish to achieve, things that help with work, and so much more, there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. It is possible to do so much research into a topic that we get over-informed and we start to develop anxiety about it.

This is not necessary, and it can actually do more to set us back than it can to give us the leg up that we need in order to succeed. There is nothing wrong with being informed, just stay balanced. 

If You've Made a Mistake That Is Bothering You, Make a Positive Step Toward Avoiding It in the Future

It’s possible with anxiety, to think of something we’ve done that was not correct or proper, and then to completely agonize over it. This can happen in spite of the issue being so small someone likely didn’t even notice it happened.

If you messed up on something, no matter how big or small it is, all you can do it take steps to make it right. Worrying about it isn’t something that will help to remedy the problem, the people in your environment won’t benefit from you agonizing over it, and you won’t get over it if you keep worrying about it in that manner.

Ask Yourself If You're Being Overly Dramatic

Stop yourself in the thought process that is making you feel bad. Ask yourself if you’re thinking of things in balance, or if you’re being a tad overdramatic about the impact of the things you’re thinking about.

For instance, it’s a common saying that one wants to crawl into a hole and die when one does something embarrassing like asking someone when their baby is due when they’re not pregnant. It’s rude, it comes across terribly, and it’s horribly embarrassing. However, it’s not worth dying over, it’s not worth agonizing over.

You said you were sorry as soon as it happened, you excused yourself from the area, and you made it very clear that you were only trying to be friendly before you put your foot in your mouth. The person that you asked will likely think it’s funny that it happened and will probably move on in a very short order.

All you need to do is ask yourself if the response of crawling into a hole and dying about it is an appropriate one. The answer will always be no, and you can lower your anxiety level about it. Then laugh at yourself because it’s hilarious, mistakes happen, and then move on!

Examine Triggers

Knowing the things that cause us to feel sad, stressed, or anxious can help us to avoid those things in the future. When you’re feeling anxious, asking yourself what it is that made you feel that way is a great way to backtrack and to isolate how to move forward in your life without getting tripped up by those types of situations in the future.

For instance, if you know that you get anxious whenever someone talks about a particular subject, you know that you can either steer the conversation away from that topic, or you can excuse yourself from the group while they have that discussion without you.

If You're Comparing Your Situation to Someone Else's, Stop

Comparing your own situations to someone else’s in life is a terrible way to live. It’s the fastest way to make yourself feel bad about where you are in life, to invalidate the progress that you’ve made, to lessen the efforts that you make, and it’s also a really inaccurate representation of what the other person’s situation is.

You don’t know what the other person put into their situation, you don’t know how long it took them to get to that point, you don’t know how hard it was for them to do all that, and you don’t know if the situation is really as perfect as it may seem from an outside view. Perspective is everything.

If you must make a comparison, compare how you are currently doing with how you were previously doing. Are you better off now than you were a year ago? Are you happier than you were a year ago? What changed?

You’re doing great and the fact that you’re putting the work into your life to improve it means so much.

Make a To-Do List for Your Day and Do the Easiest Thing on It

Making a to-do list is a great way to know what’s ahead of you in the day, it can help you to block out your time properly, and it helps you to make sure you don’t miss anything when you’re going through all the various things in your day.

When you make your list, if you’re feeling anxious, go ahead and knock off the easiest thing on your list. This will give you a sense of accomplishment, make your list look smaller, and will keep you going onto the next thing! This is a tactic I use at work, at home, in school, with the kids, and with every project I work on personally.

Slow Down

If you’re feeling very anxious about a deadline or about a task that you’re currently doing, chances are that you’re probably going a little bit faster than you really need to. Working at the fastest pace possible can burn you out before you get through the rest of the things you need to do today, and it can cause unnecessary tension and raised blood pressure.

Just pull back for a moment, breathe deeply, and adjust your pace so you’re working evenly and at a pace that is sustainable. There is nothing wrong with working at a pace that ensures you will finish your work by your deadline, but you will rarely need to work yourself to death over a deadline!

Ask Someone About a Time They Were Nervous and Have Them Tell You How It Turned Out

It can be very helpful to find out that someone we admire a great deal has struggled with the same feelings that we’re struggling with. As someone whose opinion you value to tell you about a situation that made them nervous, what happened in that situation, and how it turned out.

Generally, you will find that the situation went well, the results were positive, and that they felt silly for even worrying in the first place. While you’re not comparing your scenarios, it can help to know that the vast majority of nervousness felt in the world leads up to a very anti-climactic result of smooth success.

Distract Yourself for a Bit

If you’re feeling too anxious to continue working on something, allow yourself to get pulled into something else that is unrelated. Feel free to set a time frame for this so you don’t fall too far behind but taking some time away from the task at hand can ease some of the anxiety a bit.

This will allow you to come back to the things you need to do with a refreshed mindset, with a zeal for completing what you need to complete, and with a clear head.

Allow Yourself to Enjoy Things

There is a fairly common response to anxiety that people have, which is to deny ourselves the things that make us happy because of our shortcomings and our minor failings. We tell ourselves that because we failed at one thing or another, or because we didn’t do something quite the way we wanted to or in the time frame that we had hoped we would, that we don’t deserve to go out and enjoy a movie with our friends. We tell ourselves that we should have to work several hours late because of these things, we tell ourselves that we need to cancel trips we’re taking to see family, or worse.

The truth is that you don’t deserve to lose when you make mistakes. You deserve to do better next time because you learned from the mistake that you made.

Laugh

Laughter is the best medicine! Laughing makes you feel happy, safe, and it is good for your health. It can help you let go of some of the anxiety you may be feeling in life, and it lets you let loose in a way that so few other things do.

Make sure that you’re spending time with people who make you laugh, people that will laugh with you, and laugh as much as you can! If your face hurts from all the laughing by the time you’re done spending time with that person, then you’ve picked a good one!

Watch television and movies that make you laugh, talk about dumb things with your friends, tell jokes, read funny articles, look at funny pictures, and laugh as often as you can because it will make you feel so much better than you might even realize. 

Lightly Run Your Fingers over the Lips to Activate the Parasympathetic Fibers in Them

Similar to the acupressure point in your hand, running your fingers lightly over your lips can activate the parasympathetic fibers in them that will make you feel much calmer. Doing this idly while you research things, while you work on the computer, while you read, or while you’re watching television can help you to relax a little more fully.

This isn’t something will stop an anxiety attack in its tracks or anything, but it is something that can make relaxing a little bit more effective and enjoyable.

If a Situation Is Causing You Anxiety, Think About It from the Vantage Point of Six Months in the Future. What About It Still Matters?

Some of the things that keep us worried are things that are not particularly relevant. If something isn’t going to matter in six months, you might not need to be as worried about it as you currently are. You might find that you could let go of some of the things causing you to worry in life at the moment if you know it will be fine.

If you’re preparing a party for a friend and you’re trying to get the streamers twisted in a pattern that looks right, but they won’t cooperate, is it worth being anxious or stressed? Is the person you’re throwing the party for going to be paying attention to the number of twists in the party streamers and whether or not it was even on both sides?

Spend your time focusing on the things that matter, and not the things that make you anxious because those things won’t matter in six months. What will matter in six months is if you’re still feeling so anxious and your blood pressure is raised because of silly little things like party streamers.

You are more important than party streamers. 

Connect with a Friend

Sometimes, all it takes to set us back onto the right path and to keep us level is connecting with someone whose company we enjoy. It doesn’t necessarily have to mean that we talk with that friend about the things that are making us anxious. It doesn’t mean that we have to have them tell us it will be okay. It just means spending time with them. Laughing about silly stuff, hearing about what they’re working on in their free time, playing board games together, or going out and having fun.

Never underestimate the value of human connection, of relating to people on a personal level, of talking about nothing, of playing games with people we enjoy, and of having adventures!

Imagine One Positive Outcome for Every Negative One That You've Thought Of

If you find yourself coming up with countless negative possibilities for a situation that is making you nervous, sit down and think up one positive outcome for each negative one that has occurred to you. Think of every possible thing that could go right with this situation that has presented itself to you.

This exercise is useful because, after some time, it will start to become second nature to do this automatically. Every time something comes up as a possibly bad outcome, then you will think of something that could go well. Over time, you will focus more on the positive than the negative and you will notice a shift in the tone of your thought process.

If There Are Any Two-Minute Items on Your To-Do List for the Day, Go Ahead and Get Them Done

If you can think of some things that you need to do with your week or your day that will take two minutes or so, go ahead and knock those out. This will mark off so many things in your week that you will have to get done and it will clear up so much space in your mind.

You won’t be struggling to remember all the things that you need to do throughout your week, you’ll have long stretches of time to devote to the things that are more important or more involved on your to-do list, and this will cut down on so much anxiety.

You would be shocked to find how much of your anxiety is linked to all the little things.

Try a New Exercise

Lookup a new type of exercise, a new stretch, yoga position, or something similar that interests you and give it a whirl! If you totally stink at it, you can work on it over time and get better at it. If you are a total natural, then that’s something to be proud of!

Spending time doing new exercises and fun physical activities is a great thing to spend your spare time on because it gives you more physical energy, it gives you endorphins, it makes you feel good physically, and it gives you time to think. Work it out!

Accept What You Cannot Change

There will always be things in life that we cannot change. We can’t change the weather, we can’t change the location of states, we can’t change how long the wait is at the DMV. The things that we can change give us power, but they also place a burden of responsibility on us.

If we know and accept the things that we cannot change, this frees up that responsibility and allows us to place it on the things that we can change. Be willing to accept that certain things are the way they are and think about the things that you can affect aside from that, and work within the parameters that leave you.

Allow Yourself to Relax

If you’re trying to take a bath, watch a movie, spend time with friends, lie down, or relax in some other way and you continue to find yourself checking your work email, looking for texts from other parents in the scouts troop, or checking your credit report, then you’re not really allowing yourself to relax. You’re looking for more things that will keep you busy and will keep your mind engaged.

Put the phone away, do the things that you know relax you, enjoy them, allow yourself to recover from the day you’ve had, and focus on creating more emotional energy for the day you will have tomorrow.

Eat Well

COFFEE IS NOT A MEAL. All too often, people who are exceedingly busy will find themselves swinging through the coffee shop for a latte and allowing themselves to start their day on nothing but cream, sugar, and caffeine. This is not a way to live, it’s not a way to reduce anxiety, and it’s not helpful to your body in any measure.

You need to eat balanced meals throughout the day that provide you both with the carbohydrates, protein, and fat that it needs to create energy and to do all the things that it does for you every day.

Do your body a favor and remember your food groups, of which coffee is not one!

Sleep Well

Proper rest is so important to living a good life, lowering stress, lowering anxiety, and getting through one’s day with as little difficulty as possible. It’s hard for your brain to manage everything that it needs to manage if you’re not giving it the sleep it needs.

This is only exacerbated if you’re also not eating properly, so both should be done in proper measure.

Be sure that you’re not sleeping too little, or too much. You should be getting between six and eight hours of sleep per night, and you should be staying asleep through the night with the exception of a bathroom break or two.

If you’re having trouble with this, speak with your doctor about what can be done to help you to get the sleep that is appropriate for you. 

Exercise Proper Time Management

Managing your time should be a priority, as it allows you to fit everything into your day that you might need to get done. If you spend all of your time on one task and then find, at the end of the day, that you had about six tasks to do, you will find yourself feeling anxious or pressed for time.

If you’re able to budget out your time and work on the things you would like to get done, then keep your time managed so everything is taken care of over the course of your day, then you will have a much easier time with getting everything completed in the time that it should be done.

Surround Yourself with People You Like

Life is too short to spend it with people that annoy you, right? People that you don’t like, who annoy you, who set your teeth on edge, or who just make you uncomfortable will raise your stress level. You cannot fully relax around people like that and you cannot spend your whole life without relaxing.

Choose friends that make you feel good about yourself, friends who make you laugh, friends who appreciate your dorkiest qualities, and friends who encourage you. People who do these things for you and expect it in return are valuable friends that will help you to grow, be yourself, and will lower your stress and anxiety levels.

Spend Time with People You Love

People you love will often inspire you to be relaxed, will help you to feel happy, will release chemicals in your brain that make you happy, and they will often help you to bear the burdens that you have in life. People who love you are people who want to see you succeed and they’re people who should get a lot of your time in life.

Spending all your time with people who upset you, people who don’t deserve your time, with work that stresses you out, with stupid annoyances that cause you stress, and with tasks that bring you no joy will make your life seem like it’s not very worth living.

Spending your time with the people you love, doing things that you love to do, having experiences you want to have, eating food you want to eat, and just being happy are the things that make life worth living. Live the life you want to live and spend your time with the people that you love.

Spend Time on Your Hobbies

Hobbies are so important. They can even you out, help you to decompress after a long day, can give your mind a place to escape to, and they often allow you to come out of it with something that you’ve created as a result of your personal time or skill investment!

Pick some of the things from this section that really speak to you and implement them into your life. Write down which things you’re doing, how you feel as a result of them, and weed out the ones that don’t help. Stick with the ones that make life even more worth living.

Conclusion

Thank you for making it through to the end of The Empath Survival Guide: The Complete Strategies for Highly Sensitive People. How to Learn to Manage your Emotions, Overcome Anxiety and Fears, Learn Protection Techniques from Energy Vampires! Let’s hope it was informative and able to provide you with all of the tools you need to achieve your goals whatever they may be.

If you haven’t done so already, your next step is to make use of the techniques laid out in each chapter to help you to understand the mechanisms at work in your life. They will help you to find healthy coping strategies and will help you to heal from past traumas or incidents.

Thank you very much for reading and please share the information you found helpful with friends and family who may also benefit. Finally, if you found this book useful in any way, a review on Amazon is always appreciated! 

DIALECTICAL

BEHAVIOR

THERAPY

Introduction: What is Dialectical Behavior Therapy?

There are many different forms of therapy that fall under the category of psychotherapy. What psychotherapy is, essentially, is the interaction of a therapist or psychotherapist, or psychologist, with another person who is seeking to regain a form of wellness and mental health stability. The way in which this is done is through multiple, evidence-based series of treatments. These treats are particular to the kind of issues a person approaches therapy for, zeroing in on specific disorders and problems that the person expresses. Psychotherapy became all the rage following the decline of psychoanalysis, which focused primarily on unseen problems within the unconscious mind.

Some of the more popular and successful forms of psychotherapy fall under the category of cognitive behavioral therapy. This form of therapy is defined by its acknowledgment of the fusion of cognitions (thoughts), behavior, and emotions, and how each one interacts with the other. From this therapy were born multiple extensions, such as cognitive therapy (focusing primarily on thoughts and behavior) mindfulness-based cognitive therapy (mindfulness approaches feature meditation and other forms of coping mechanisms), acceptance and commitment therapy (therapy that is based on increasing psychological flexibility), and finally, dialectical behavioral therapy. DBT is a specific form of psychotherapy that focuses on the emotional regulation of those with extreme emotions, mainly those who are coping with borderline personality disorder. Although this book is going to focus mainly on coping with borderline personality disorder through the application of DBT, other disorders and mental health issues will also be mentioned because they too have received some success through the use of this particular form of psychotherapy.

A Brief History of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy

Dialectical behavioral therapy is considered the third wave of cognitive behavioral therapy. It was born out of the observation of patients who had difficulty dealing with high stress and expressed extreme emotional responses.

This was observed by Marsha M. Lineman, who was a psychology researcher at the University of Washington in the 1980s. It was originally designed to treat borderline personality disorder and those who were chronically suicidal. Lineman observed that her patients were in incredibly invalidating environments and therefore, required an added enhancement of a loving-kindness treatment. Loving-kindness is a self-care therapeutic approach that teaches the patient to self-soothe, and to also accept and themselves for who they are, no matter what may be going on inside their minds, or what they did in the past. Lineman also required a formal commitment from these patients, as she felt it was necessary and key to treatment that they accept their level of emotional dysfunction first and foremost.

DBT approaches the patient different than other forms of psychotherapy in the format power-positioning; the therapist acts as an ally, not an enemy, in a situation where the best is desired from the therapist rather than the desire to control them. The therapists validate the feelings of the patient, because they have more than likely experienced a lifetime of emotional invalidation. The therapist will inform the patient though, when their reactions or behaviors are maladaptive and not a response that will further them in life, without labelling and dehumanizing them. The therapists then offer the patient better options that are healthier and allow them to thrive, rather than just survive their life.

In accordance with a biosocial theory of borderline personality clients, Linehan posed that the emotional dysregulation of her clients had a genetic component while the further environmental effects validates their behavior. The word dialectical refers to a discourse between two or more people who hold different points of view, but all desire truth to be acquired. The word is used in reference to this form of psychotherapy because the core concept attempts to teach the client or patient how to hold opposing ideas in mind about themselves but simultaneously accept them all at once. Linehan drew upon this philosophical notion and blended the methods of cognitive behavioral therapy and assertiveness training, along with original Buddhist notions of mindfulness meditation. These concepts will be explored deeper later in this book.

There are four components that all DBT therapy approaches while going through therapy:

Individual: This involves one-on-one interactions with the client and therapist. The therapists talk about issues that come up during the client’s week, creating a treatment hierarchy for them to follow. The main behaviors that are focused on are the ones that revolve around self-injury and suicidal actions. These take priority, but other behaviors are always integrated, such as behaviors that are not directly going to harm the self or others but get in the way of a successful treatment. The next behaviors that are looked at are quality of life problems, where the therapist and client work toward enhancing basic life skills. Issues that get in the way of developing skills are addressed here too.

Groups: Usually clients who are going through DBT therapy are put into a group with others who are also going through the therapy to discuss their four main modules that will detailed in this book: core mindfulness, interpersonal effectiveness, emotion regulation, and distress tolerance. This meeting usually happens once or a twice a week to keep skills and socializing at a maximum.

Therapist Consultation Team: This team includes all therapists who are providing DBT for their clients. This is meant to support the therapists through their shared style of treatment. This usually happens weekly, as therapists need constant feedback as to how their providing of treatment is going.

Phone Coaching: This happens briefly between the therapist and the client and is done in order to make skills happen daily as opposed to allowing them to fade away from their habits.

What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

As previously mentioned, this book is going to mainly focus on the original disorder that DBT was created for; borderline personality disorder. Because of that we are going to get into the details of what this disorder looks like, so it is easier for you to follow along in the book and comprehend the particular issues that a person with borderline personality disorder possesses.

Borderline personality disorder, or BPD, used to be known as emotionally unstable personality disorder. It is generally characterized by a long history of unstable relationships, intense emotional reactions, and a skewed sense of self. Women are diagnosed with BPD three times as often as men, which indicates a sexist presence within the diagnostic criteria. Here is a more detailed description of some of the more common symptoms that must be present in order for a person to be diagnosed with this disorder:

General Symptoms

-Disturbed sense of identity.

-Efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment, shown through extreme reactions.

-Black and white thinking about every subject.

-Impulsive behaviors that are often dangerous, such as sex with strangers, substance use, reckless driving, overeating.

-Expression of emotions that don’t seem proportionate to the trigger; seemingly uncontrollable.

-Unstable close relationships.

-Behavior that is descriptive and self-damaging.

-Often accompanied by co-morbid diagnosis’ such as depression, anxiety, anger issues, substance use.

-Sensitivity to minor rejection or criticism.

-Alternating between idealization of a person and devaluation.

-A break with reality in rare cases such as the experience of depersonalization, and psychotic episodes.

Emotions

-People with BPD are characterized by emotions that are felt deeply, and for longer periods that most people do. This means that they are easily triggered by environmental stimuli, and then it takes longer for them to return to the average baseline of emotion.

-This extreme experience of emotions has both a positive and negative effect; on the plus side, people with BPD feel joy, happiness, enthuse intensely, and are often incredibly loving. But the experience of negative valance emotions overwhelms them easily, allowing the experience of what could be a subtly negative emotion into an experience that is too much for them to handle—for example, instead of experiencing sadness, they may feel intense grief, or instead of slightly annoyance, extreme rage.

-People with BPD are very sensitive to feelings of rejection, criticism, and perceived failure and abandonment. What could be seen by the majority of individuals as average disagreements, arguments, could be seen by the person with BPD as a major rejection, and that the person is intending on abandoning them. Because of these sensations and often poor environmental guidance, they lack the ability to self-soothe and develop maladaptive coping mechanisms, such as self-isolation, self-injury and suicidal behavior.

-Since they feel difficultly regulating their emotions, they often simply choose to shut them down, which is harmful to them, because they are unable to address it due to this repression.

-People with BPD feel euphoria, which is defined as intense joy, and also dysphoria, which is defined as a great sense of unease and dissatisfaction. Researchers with Linehan found four categories of dysphoria that are typical within the confines of BPD: extreme emotions, destructiveness or self-destructiveness, fragmented feelings of identity, and sensations of victimization. Within these categories are three feelings that are generally present in order for a diagnosis to be received: feelings of betrayal, feeling out of control, and feelings that make the person want to hurt themselves.

-Emotional fluctuation is also a signature symptom of BPD. Although this hints at mood swings, it is different than the changes in mood of for those with bipolar disorder and other mood disorders. Individuals with BPD usually fluctuate between anger and anxiety, and between depression and anxiety.

Interpersonal Relationships

-Those with BPD are very sensitive to the way others treat them, which can go between feelings of intense joy and thankfulness and intense sadness and anger at perceived crisis and hurtfulness.

-The alternating of idealization and devaluation of others is often present. This essentially means that they go between having high positive thoughts and regard for a person and then anger and dislike about they’ve been let down. This alteration is referred to as splitting. These extreme categorizations of people make relationships unstable and often disturbed.

-Although people with BPD desire closeness, they tend to be insecure, avoidant and obsessive about attachment patterns with certain individuals. They tend to view the world in a negative light.

-Like other personality disorders, those with BPD feel chronic stress within romantic relationships, and are often victims of abuse.

Behavior

-Impulsive behavior is very common for those with BPD.

-Substance use, eating disorders, unprotected sex, sex with multiple partners, and reckless driving are all some of the more common behaviors of those with BPD, falling under the category of impulsive.

-Self-injury is common, as is the sudden leaving of drops or departing from relationships.

-These impulsive behaviors are committed in order to instantly relieve their pain; but often receives dire consequences in the guise of overwhelming shame and guilt.

-This creates a cycle, because they want to now cover up their sensations of guilt and shame with more impulsive behavior. This is a maladaptive reaction to emotional suffering that is incredibly harming.

Self-Harm and Suicide

-This is one of the core diagnostic criteria with the Diagnostic and Statistical Manuel for those with BPD.

-The most common form of self-harm is cutting, although bruising, burning, head banging, or biting are not entirely uncommon.

- people with borderline personality disorder feeling of relief after clinic self harm coming themselves

- there’s an extremely high incidence of suicide or attempted suicide for people with borderline personality disorder sitting between 3% and 10%.

-The reasoning behind self harming ultimately differs but there is some relation in some circumstances.

-Men who commit suicide are likely to have undiagnosed borderline personality disorder, because women are more often diagnosed with the disorder.

-around 70% of people with borderline personality disorder self harm without the intention of ending their lives.

- reasons beyond trying to end their lives include feeling angry possessing a deep desire to punish themselves and to generate the form of average feeling in the sense that they do not often feel average feelings.

-Suicide attempts are done based on the notion that one will be better off not alive, whereas in contrast self harm is done in order to distract oneself from the pain one is feeling.

-Both are related to feeling negative emotions and desire to either be rid of them or to avoid actually feeling them.

-Sexual abuse is a common trigger for borderline personality suicidal tendencies and self harm behaviors.

Sense of Self

People with borderline personality disorder often have a difficult time with the concept of an identity. What that translates to is an inability to particularly take note of what they value what they believe their preferences their interests and now that integrates into one personality what distance to look like is the inability to recognize Long term goals within relationships and couriers. What this translates to is feelings of being empty and lost. A person with borderline personality disorder will often sway between a healthy image of the self and an incredibly unhealthy image of the self. What This often looks like it is a dangerous obsession with appearance and possibly exercise.

Cognitions

-The intensity of the emotions for those with borderline personality disorder often interferes with their ability to concentrate. What this lack of concentration looks like differs from person to person.

-Some people with BPD tend to disassociate in order to avoid feeling their emotions, which essentially is an extreme expression of the term ‘zoning out’. A person who disassociates removes themselves from the present moment and detaches themselves from who they are. It is often difficult to observe in a person who often disassociates, as this may be something observers are used to seeing.

-Disassociation is generally triggered by a painful event, or the memory of a painful event. The mind redirects its attention away from the memory to protect against the experience of intense emotion as well as behavioral impulses that are associated with the experience of that emotion.

-This defensive tactic then becomes automatic, which is successful in the short term, but in the long term, can lead to the blunting of average emotions and reactions that are necessary in life.

-People with BPD lose contact with information that is associated with these memories and the painful feelings that come with them, which makes daily living and decision making even harder.

Disabilities

Most people with BPD are able to find jobs and careers that suit their condition once they are in treatment and are actively participating in it. If a person is not going through treatment, however, it is harder for them to function within the workplace and to pursue an area of interest fits their needs. Some people do note their personality disorder as a disability at their workplace, so their employers are aware of their problems. The only problem with doing this is how progressive and informed that particular workplace is, which will directly reflect the stigma that is being encouraged within that workplace.

Possible Causes

Like most mental health disorders, the cause of borderline personality is not set in stone. There are many facts that play into a diagnosis, and as each person is different, as is their diagnosis. As you read through this portion, you may be thinking about yourself or someone of whom you care about. You may take note of the symptoms and causes that you are relating to yourself or this person, but do not try to diagnose on your own—that is the job of a trained psychiatrist or psychologist. Like all disorders, there is a significant blending of environmental factors vs. genetics factors that influence the development of this personality disorder. A lot of research however has indicated the similarities between post-traumatic stress disorder and borderline personality disorder. They are both often linked to the experience of childhood trauma, brain abnormalities, genetics, and environmental factors beyond trauma. These will be explored here briefly:

Genetics: Personality disorders seem to have more of a genetic influence than any of the other disorders listed in the diagnostic statistical Manuel. (DSM). Genetic research on twins have shown a familiarity between one chromosome as well as the actions of certain dopamine receptors (the neurotransmitter that makes us feel good). This is something that may lay within a person’s brain while the environmental factors are the ones that encourage the onset of the disorder.

Brain Abnormalities: Many neuroimaging studies have found varying difference in those with borderline personality disorder to those without the disorder. Some of those areas are, without getting into too much detail:

-Hippocampus: This area of the brain is responsible for the forming and storage of new memories. It also integrates memory that is associated with decision making. Studies have found this area to be smaller in those with BPD.

-Amygdala: There are two of those located in both hemispheres of the brain (meaning sides of the brain); it also deals with memory, decision making, and emotional responses. These areas are smaller, but more active in those with BPD. The activity may explain the longevity and strength of the emotions that those with BPD often feel.

-Pre-Frontal Cortex: This area is the front of the brain and is responsible for regulating emotions. This is less active in people with BPD, which may explain the difficult these individuals have in response to stress and expressing their emotions.

Neurobiological Factors:

Estrogen: More women are diagnosed with BPD then men, and some research has linked this to a woman’s mental cycle. Some studies were even able to predict BPD symptoms in relation to the levels of estrogen in their system during the cycle of their period.

Developmental Factors:

Childhood Trauma: There has been a strong correlation between child abuse, particularly childhood sexual abuse and borderline personality disorder. Those with the disorder are more likely to note any of form of abuse than any individual with other mental health disorders. They also note incest and loss of caregivers at an early age more than those without BPD. Along with the abuse, those BPD have reported that their caregivers have consistently denied the validity of what they are thinking or feeling. Parents who have withdrawn from their child is common, as is an inconsistent emotional connection. Sexual abuse committed by a non-caregiver was also noteworthy in the development of BPD.

In general, it is believed that child who experience difficultly with attachment and an inconsistent validation of their emotions are more likely to develop the disorder.

Moderating Factors:

Thought Suppression: A study conducted in 2005 found that thought suppression, which is the conscious attempt to avoid thinking certain thoughts, mediates the relationship between feeling emotionally vulnerable and borderline symptoms. What this means essentially is that the impulse to suppress thoughts makes the symptoms of borderline personality disorder worse in its intensity and duration and have a negative correlation.

Diagnosis

As previously mentioned, it is recommended that you do not diagnose yourself or anyone else around you. This needs to be done by someone who is qualified, as there are many mediating factors that make the diagnosis of borderline personality disorder come to be. The most referred to method of diagnosis relies on the process within the DSM-5, which defines the disorder as a pattern of instability for a certain amount of time (usually between months to years) within the categories of their life such as interpersonal relationships, self-image, affect, and impulse behavioral. There is a separate section for personality disorders within the DSM. These separate criterial look at specifying at least 4 maladaptive traits that has been pervasive within a person’s lifetime.

Marsha Linehan, the creator of dialectical behavior therapy, found this form of diagnosis difficult, as there are many different behaviors and emotions that can be a part of a person’s borderline personality experience. She, therefore, created her own categorization, grouping all of the symptoms under five areas of dysregulation:

Emotions.

Behavior.

Interpersonally relationships.

Sense of self.

Cognition.

Other Disorders that Benefit from DBT

Beyond borderline personality disorder, as mentioned, there are several other disorders that benefit from a DBT approach. These will be described and mentioned here. Please take note that if you have borderline personality disorder, it is highly likely that you may also have an accompanying mood disorder, anxiety disorder a disorder that deals with anger, or even substance use disorder. Once more, take descriptions with a grain of salt before you seek out a medical professional to help you with a diagnosis.

Depressive/Mood Disorders

WebMD identities the existence of 9 different disorders that fall under the category of depressive disorders. Here, they will be listed with the most common symptoms of each disorder, with a space next to it where you can check mark if you feel you have experienced this symptom. Everyone at some point will have experienced this symptom, but according the diagnostic statistical Manuel (the ‘bible’ of diagnosing mental health disorders), it is only over a consistent period of 2-4 weeks experienced that the symptoms fall under the maladaptive category. So, keep that in mind when reading over the various sections of disorders.

Also, if possible, write next to symptom how long you have been experiencing it so you can keep track of your self-assessment.

Major Depression

This disorder is also sometimes called Major Depressive Disorder (MDD). This occurs when you have or feel depressed the majority of the time, lasting over 2-4 weeks. Other common symptoms act as the following:

___Weight loss or weight gain.

___Loss of interest or pleasure in activities you once found enjoyable (hobbies).

___Trouble getting to sleep or feeling very sleepy during the day.

___Feelings of restlessness.

___Feelings of agitation.

___Feelings of worthlessness and guilt without an external cause.

___Trouble concentrating.

___Sadness/teary, depressed mood.

___Thoughts of suicide.

If you have five or more of these symptoms described within the previously mentioned time period, a mental health physician may diagnose you with major depressive disorder. At least one symptom must be the lack of interest in activities or a depressed mood.

Persistent Depressive Disorder

This disorder is diagnosed if you have been experiencing depression for 2 years or more. This is a more modern term that was once described as two separate conditions, previously known as dysthymia (low-grade depression) and chronic major depression.

___Change in appetite (not eating enough, overeating).

___Sleep too much or too little.

___Fatigue, a lack of energy.

___Low self-worth and self-esteem.

___Sensations of hopelessness.

Bipolar Disorder

This disorder is also knowing as manic-depressive illness. It is a brain disorder that is noted for its unusual shifts in mood, energy, and the inconsistent ability to carry out average daily tasks. There are four types of bipolar disorder, which will be categorized and defined here:

Bipolar 1 Disorder: This is defined by manic episodes that least at least 7 days or manic symptoms that are very severe, leading to the urgent need of hospital care. Depressive episodes will occur as well, usually lasting two weeks. There are episodes of depression with mixed features, which blends the symptoms of both depressive and manic episodes.

Bipolar II Disorder: This form of bipolar disorder is defined by patterns of depressive episodes and hypomanic episodes, which are the non full-blown version of manic episodes previously mentioned in bipolar I disorder.

Cyclothymic Disorder: This is defined by many periods of hypomanic symptoms as well as many periods of depression that lasts at least two years. The symptoms thought does not meet the criteria for hypomanic episodes and a depressive episode.

Other Specified and Unspecified Bipolar and Related Disorders: Marked by the experience of bipolar symptoms that do not meet the criteria for the disorders described previously.

All of these versions of bipolar disorder are marked by the experience of both mania and depression. Depression was previously described, so we will only have listed the symptoms of mania and hypomania here for the sake of your self-assessment.

Hypomania: A less severe form of mania. These symptoms must last at least four days in a row in order to be properly classified as such:

___Elevated, euphoria, or irritable mood with increase energy.

___Excessive self-esteem.

___More talkative than usual or possess the desire to keep talking.

___Increasing participation in activities that are goal oriented.

___Excessive participation in activities that are high risk; for example, promiscuousness, spending, poor business making decisions.)

Mania symptoms will last at least for a week, unless they are a part of a mixed episodes that alternates between depressive symptoms and mania-like symptoms:

___Racing thoughts.

___Frenzied speech.

___Grandiose ideas and notions of self.

___Constantly changing topics to ideas that are barely related in conversation.

___Impulsivity, poor judgment, and consistent risk activity; i.e. a strong desire to spend money or have sex.

Many of these symptoms may initially appear positive, but it is through the cycling of depressive episodes and mania/hypomania that have heavily maladaptive results and coping-defense mechanisms. Mania is believed have a higher chance of negative results then hypomania.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)

This disorder is the experience of major depression that usually happens during seasonal times when there is less sunlight. This form of depression will usually go away once the weather changes. The symptoms are the same as major depressive disorder but will only last during the time period of certain weather conditions and lack of sunlight.

Psychotic Depression

This form of depression with have the same symptoms of major depressive disorder, but also will include the experience of psychotic symptoms. Psychotic symptoms can be described as such:

___Hallucinations (which can be auditory, visual, olfactory, etc.).

___Delusions are when people have false beliefs about others or their reality. For example, someone may believe that they can directly communicate with the devil (in a non-religious association), or that their thoughts are being monitored by the government.

___Paranoia is the consistent belief that others are trying to negatively harm you.

Permpartum (Postpartum) Depression

This form of depression is the experience of major depression during the weeks and moths after giving birth. They are the same symptoms described above in the major depressive disorder category.

Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD)

Women with this form of depression expression depressive symptoms at the start of their menstrual cycle. They may experience the following:

___Mood swings.

___Irritability.

___Trouble concentrating.

___Fatigue.

___Change in sleeping habits.

___Feelings of being overwhelmed.

___Anxiety.

___Sadness/teary.

Situational Depression

This form of depression is not clinically defined. It is very specific to a certain stressful or emotion inducing occurrence that only lasts a certain amount of time in relation to an event, such as death in the family, a breakup/divorce, or job loss. Some doctors may label it ‘stress response syndrome.’

Atypical Depression

This form of depression is different from the constant sadness and empty feeling of typical depression. If you have this form of depression, a positive event can temporarily increase your mood. Other symptoms that are separate from the experience of typical depression are:

___Increased appetite.

___Sleeping more than usual.

___Feeling of heaviness in arms and legs.

___Oversensitive to criticism.

Anxiety Disorders

[1]Healthy Place divides up the category of anxiety disorders into two categories; ones that express themselves in the short-term, and ones that express themselves in the long-term.

Short-Term Anxiety Disorders

These anxiety disorders are usually short-lived and triggered by an external event.

Acute Stress Disorder: Is similar to post-traumatic stress disorder, but different in the amount of time that the symptoms are experienced. They typically last from at least 3 to 30 days:

___Intrusions symptoms: When a person is unable to stop experiencing the traumatic event through flashbacks, constant memories, or dreams.

___Negative mood: Depressive symptoms are present; negative thoughts, sadness, and generally low mood.

___Dissociative symptoms: An altered sense of reality, an inability or remember parts of a traumatic event. These symptoms are generally a defensive mechanism produced to protect the individual from feelings the emotions associated with the event.

___Avoidance symptoms: People avoid anything that is external or internal that will remind them of the traumatic event.

___Arousal symptoms: These symptoms can include sleep issues such as insomnia, and difficulty concentrating due to feeling constantly tense and on guard.

If these feelings persist for longer than a month, then the diagnosis will usually fall into the category of post-traumatic stress disorder. A person with ASD can also experience the symptoms of other anxiety disorders and depressive disorders.

Adjustment Disorder with Anxious Features: This disorder is diagnosed when anxiety symptoms rise from a significant life change. They usually start within three months of the event and last for six months or less. These individuals can experience anxiety, many in which symptoms will be described later on in this section that you can highlight.

Substance-Induced Anxiety Disorder: An anxiety disorder that develops through use of symptoms, usually is revolves when the use of the substance is put to a heart or the experience of it is discontinued completely. This can happen with the use of extracurricular drugs, or the overuse of alcohol.

Long-Term Anxiety Disorders

The following lists anxiety disorders that usually develop in childhood and are experienced through adulthood, especially if treatment has not been sought out.

Agoraphobia

This is an anxiety disorder that focused on the fear of being in a public place where escape is difficult or embarrassing. This feeling is made worse when the person fears they may have a panic attack. The following physiological symptoms are also symptoms associated with panic attacks themselves:

___Rapid heart rate.

___Difficulty breathing.

___Fear of dying.

___Excessive sweating.

___Upset stomach.

___Feeling a loss of control.

___Lightheadedness.

___Chest pain or pressure.

These symptoms occur when a person is put into a situation where they fear they cannot escape should they begin feeling symptoms of a panic attack.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder

This disorder is experienced as the consistent, excessive anxiety and worry about everyday life with no clear and concise reasons for concern. There is an expectation of disaster and the constant worry that things will go wrong. The worry will eventually interfere with every portion of the person’s life, which includes school, work, relationships, and social life:

___Constant ongoing worry and tension.

___Unrealistic view of problems.

___Feeling of being on edge.

___Muscle tension.

___Irritability.

___Sweating.

___Headaches that are anxiety related.

___Tiredness.

___Need to go to the bathroom often.

___Trebling.

___Being easily startled.

___Trouble staying asleep or falling asleep.

Such as the previously described major depressive disorder, this anxiety is long-term and generally not connected to an external event.

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

OCD is an anxiety disorder that is characterized by the union of two repeated behaviors; the presence of obsessive thoughts, and the attempt to neutralize the thoughts through a series of compulsive behaviors. The thoughts cause great distress; therefore, the individual feels the need to get rid of them, and therefore performs a task that is directly associated with the thought. The obsession can range from fear of germs and death, to the fear of immoral thoughts and feelings.

Compulsions can also vary greatly, acting as external actions like hand-washing or obsessive checking, to or mental rituals that check up on behavior to be sure what a person is feeling, or thinking is societally classified as ‘normal’. Symptoms of obsessions and compulsions could appear as follows:

Obsessive Symptoms:

___Fear of dirt or germs.

___Needing order and symmetry.

___Aggressive or violent thoughts about harming yourself or those around you.

___Intrusive thoughts that are uncomfortably sexual or relate to religious associations.

Compulsive Symptoms: Compulsive symptoms are directly related to whatever the obsession may be.

___Washing and cleaning of house and self.

___Checking that is safety related such as checking that doors and windows are locked, that the stove is turned off, etc.

___Counting things in certain patterns.

___Checking online if the thoughts you are having are shared or ‘normal’.

___Constantly seeking reassurance from others that you are a ‘good person’.

Panic Disorder

Panic disorder often accompanies the other disorders in this section. It can also co-occur with depression and other medical conditions. Panic disorder is usually diagnosed when a person has experienced multiple panic attacks for more than one month.

One must experience at least 4 of the following symptoms over a one-month period in order to be diagnosed with panic disorder. These are the symptoms of panic attack, some that were previously described in the section of agoraphobia:

___Pounding heart, increased heart rate.

___Chest pain.

___Trembling or shaking.

___Feeling of choking.

___Nausea or abdominal distress.

___Feeling dizzy, unsteady, or lightheaded.

___Feeling detached; called derealization.

___Fear of dying.

___Numbness or tingling sensations.

___Chills or hot flashes.

Panic attacks can occur with or without a specific trigger. When there is a trigger associated with the panic attack, a person is more likely to be diagnosed with simple phobia, which will be described later in this chapter.

Post-traumatic Stress Disorder

When a person is experiencing anxiety symptoms along with disturbing flashbacks, associations, and dreams to do with a specific traumatic event, over the period of one month, they are diagnosed with PTSD. A person with PTSD will more than likely have panic attacks associated with the trauma. A person must meet several criteria that are divided up into six separate sections in order to be diagnosed with PTSD:

___Have experienced or witnessed a traumatic event where there is a physical threat; the response is fear.

___A re-experiencing of the event through flashbacks, memories, or dreams.

___Avoidance of anything that may relate to the event. Cannot recall everything about the event. Emotions about the event are defused.

___Sleeping issues are present; decreased concentration. The person is always searching for dangers; inappropriate anger; exaggerated responses when startled.

___Symptoms lasting over a month.

___Severely impaired functioning in several sections of life such as job, relationships, social life, etc.

Social Phobia/Social Anxiety Disorder

Social anxiety is a commonly experienced emotion in the majority of the population. People may feel anxiety when they meet new people, use public bathrooms, eat in public, or have to speak publicly. Experiencing social anxiety does not mean that you have social anxiety disorder, as it is an average emotion that is often experienced in these specific situations.

Social anxiety becomes a disorder when symptoms rise to the point that meets a criterion outlined in the DSM-V. The symptoms are so severe that they impact daily living:

___Fear of situations where you might be judged.

___Worrying about embarrassment or humiliation.

___Worry that prevents you from having an enjoyable social, school, or home life.

___Avoiding social situations or public situations that produce anxiety.

People with this disorder may fear any and every social interaction that might include answering/talking on the phone, answering the door, paying for products in stores, meeting new people, being in public, returning an item to a store, eating alone or with others, or ordering food in a restaurant.

Specific Phobia

A specific phobia is exactly what it sounds like; a phobia towards an object, an animal, an experience that is particular to that person, place, or thing. It is classified as an unreasonable fear around something that causes the person to strictly avoid it. There are many types of phobias beyond that of social phobia, and can be listed as follows:

___Agyrophobia – phobia of crossing road

___Alourophobia - phobia of reading aloud

___Anthophobia – phobia of flowers

___Balenephobia - phobia of pins and needles

___Barophobia - phobia of gravity

___Bibliophobia - phobia of book
___Bovinophobia - phobia /dislike of cattle

___Carnophobia - phobia of meat.

___Cathisophobia - phobia of sitting

___Cetaphobia - phobia /dislike of whales
___Ebulliophobia - phobia of bubbles
___Heliophobia – phobia of sunlight
___Hylophobia - phobia of trees, forests or wood

___Ichthyophobia – phobia /dislike of fish
___Papyrophobia - phobia of paper
___Porphyrophobia - phobia of the color purple

___Pteridophobia - phobia of ferns

___Sichuaphobia - phobia of Chinese food

___Tachophobia - phobia of speed

___Acrophobia - phobia of heights

___Ailurophobia – phobia of cats

___Algophobia – phobia of pain

___Apiphobia – phobia of bees
___Arachnophobia – phobia of spiders

___Astraphobia – phobia of thunderstorms

___Cynophobia – phobia of dogs

___Hydrophobia – phobia of water

___Ophidiophobia – phobia of snakes

___Pteromerhanophobia – phobia of flying

___Rhabdophobia – phobia of being beaten

People with specific phobias will experience symptoms of a panic attack/panic disorder when faced with their specific phobia. Other symptoms of having a distressing phobia might include:

___Constant avoidance of triggering phobia.

___Intrusive anxiety in one’s life due to avoidance of phobia.

___A fear of losing control.

___A fear of dying.

___A fear of fainting.

Anger Management Disorders

Anger is an emotion that is associated with the experience of every mental health disorder that exists. For the sake of this book, some of the more common anger management disorders and symptoms will be highlighted. If you experience high levels of anger along with the various symptoms of your mood or anxiety disorder, you can continue on in this section and keep check-marking areas you feel apply to your experiences.

General Anger Disorder Symptoms

The following are a list of symptoms that you may experience with your other psychiatric disorders, or feel indifferently, that do not fall specifically under a certain diagnosis:

___Constant irritability.

___Name-calling others.

___Lack patience.

___Blame others for everything that goes wrong.

___You withdraw when you feel anger.

___Anger comes and goes quickly and constantly.

___You destroy properly commonly when you feel anger.

___You become violently angry over things that are generally insignificant.

___You have been told you have a ‘short fuse’.

___You criticize others easily.

Intermittent Explosive Disorder

IED is an impulse-control disorder where the person feels a sudden expression of anger and shows in an aggressive way. The reactions are generally out of proportion with the stimulus that triggers the outburst:

___The experience of road rage.

___Acting as a domestic abuser.

___Breaking objects to express anger.

___Getting into physical fights easily.

___Threatening others.

___Loud and angry arguments.

When the anger rises, these are some common physical and psychological sensations:

___Racing thoughts.

___Tremors.

___A tingling feeling.

___Chest tightness.

___Heart palpitations.

___Extreme rage.

Passive Anger

This is the kind of anger that occurs when the outright expression of anger is considered undesirable or starts becoming immensely repressed. Repressing anger is not a healthy way to understand your feelings. The feeling of anger is not always an outright negative experience, but merely inappropriate when it is dealt with disproportionately. Some symptoms of passive anger occur by letting the feeling in hidden ways, instead of facing the reasoning behind the anger, or finding a constructive expression of it:

___Procrastination.

___Sulking.

___Evading problem issues.

___Sarcasm.

___Hiding anger from others.

___Resenting others.

___Forgetfulness.

___Making excuses for oneself.

___Blaming others.

___symptoms Stubbornness.

Other Forms of Anger Issues

There is an abundant amount of literature that contradicts one another on account of what kind of anger disorders exists, outside the realm of acting as another symptom of other mood/anxiety disorders. Psych Guide describes a few more than have been widely agreed upon:

___Chronic Anger: Prolonged anger, that can impact the physical body through the immune system and cause other mental health disorders.

___Overwhelmed Anger: Caused by demands of life that are too much for the person to cope with.

___Self-inflicted Anger: Directed toward the self and caused by feelings of shame and guilt.

___Judgmental Anger: Anger which is directed outward toward others and may be associated with feelings of resentment.

___Volatile Anger: Anger that involves violent anger that is often spontaneous and excessive.

This chapter was meant to help you understand what kind of disorders dialectical behavioral therapy is meant to help, along with a brief description of what you are getting into.

It is recommended that you follow along in this book with a journal of sorts so you can take note of what you feel would benefit you best, to take along with you to your medical professional of choice. This is a new beginning for you, a beginning where you will learn more about yourself and the power that comes with being you. You will learn about the elements of your personality that can be harnessed to develop into a healthy way of flowing through day-to-day processes. At no point within this book will you or someone you love to be shamed for their past—you may have a personality disorder, and there is nothing more confusing than not understand your own behavior, thoughts, and emotions. When you are finished with this book, perhaps you can pass it onto a friend of whom is your mental health advocate. It will also help them understand what you may be going through.

Step 2: Going Over Dialectical Behavioral Therapy

This chapter is going to be very brief and to the point. It is going to outline the process of DBT and what it is all going to entail before diving deeper into the actual therapy portion of the treatment. This chapter is a good reference point for you or someone you care about, should you require a page to show a medical professional or someone of whom you are trying to explain the treatment to.

There are four modules, or stages of DBT therapy that are defined by the severity of the person’s condition:

Stage 1: The person suffering is miserable is feels like their emotions, thoughts, and behavior is out of control. The goal within this first stage is to help the person move from feeling out of control (whether they actually are or not) to achieving behavioral control. This will help them feel more confident and independent and will also act as a way to encourage them toward attending the therapy in the first place.

Stage 2: The person feels perhaps that at this point their behavior is under control, but they are still suffering. The goal within this stage is to help the person move away from this sensation of suffering and desperation to the willingness to feel their emotions and acknowledge their presence. It is emphasized within this stage the importance of not avoiding how they feel—the therapist is sure to validate emotions and thoughts as often as possible.

Stage 3: At this point the therapist wants to encourage the person to live their life beyond the experience of their suffering and emotions. They help them define goals, build self-image and self-respect, and a general sense of peace and happiness.

The goal here is to help the person recognize that there will still be suffering, but that they are more than capable of coping with it in a healthy and reasonable manner.

Stage 4: Not all clients require this stage, but some do. What is stage focuses on is the desire to find deeper meaning through a spiritual existence for the person who has suffered. This does not always have to come in the form of following or devoting oneself to a religion; sometimes it comes in the form of volunteering for mental health groups, developing a new hobby, or travelling. The person has a newfound sense of self and seeks to interact with the world with their newfound perspective.

As previously mentioned, there are five components of a DBT program that most treatment centers try to follow. All are structured and require a one-year commitment. To cover them once more:

A DBT Skills Training Group: The skills that are discussed will be focused on within this book, which are the skills of mindfulness, distress tolerance, interpersonal effectiveness, and emotion regulation. They are defined as:

-Mindfulness: The practice of being present and acknowledging one’s thoughts, feelings and behaviors as they happen, without the impulse to control them

-Distress Tolerance: The process of learning how to cope during a crisis. This is especially important when it is impossible to change the crisis that is occurring, and thus, accepting the situation as is rather than how the person believes it should be.

-Interpersonal Effectiveness: The ability to ask another what they may need for support, while also learning to say no when it is necessary and unhealthy. Assertiveness and boundary setting can also be discussed here. Maintaining self-respect and relationships with others is the focal point.

-Emotion Regulation: Learning to manage emotions so they do not take the reigns of thoughts and behaviors.

This class usually occurs once per week.

Individual Psychotherapy: These one-on-one sessions help enhance motivation of the person and to help them apply the skills they are learning in group. This is where individual goals are discussed. The process of goal setting as well as other individual methods of enhancing oneself will be discussed later in this book.

In-the-moment Coaching: This is done over the phone and in real life, aiding the person in support with their particular issue. The therapist coaches a person through a stressful event in their lives and continues to guide them through the skills they are learning in their group. This helps the person learn to apply the skills to everyday life rather than simply forgetting them as soon as they leave their group.

Case management Strategies: This is an attempt to encourage the person to take control of what is happening in their lives and to administer self-care. The importance of self-care will also be discussed in this book. This helps the person learn how to observe themselves and essentially become their own therapist.

DBT Consultation team: This section is meant for therapists to support other therapists who are administering DBT. This helps the therapists stay mindful of their behaviors and emotions, as well as to share knowledge and to manage feeling burned out.

The DBT skills are what are going to be detailed within this book. Keep in mind that these groups are run by those who have dealt with people with borderline personality disorder for a very long time. They are generally psychotherapists, psychiatrists, or counsellors in some format. It is done in a group setting to allow for other people with the disorder to meet others who they may have an easier time relating to. It also helps keep a certain schedule in place and helps to keep the person accountable for their actions by attending the meetings.

This book is going to outline some of the exercises and processes of the skills training book, to give you an idea of what attending one of these groups may be like. Be sure to remember that the administration of any form of group without a qualified facilitator is unethical, and simply, highly detrimental to the person or persons suffering. They are necessary as an appropriate guide to help you along your journey or self-understand and fulfillment.

Step 3: The Power of Mindfulness

The first skill that is learned through the Dialectical Behavioral Therapy model of treatment focuses on something that Western Society is only recently learning the infinite benefits of. Mindfulness is an Eastern Society notion that has aided in the treatment of mental health disorders as an extra skillset. It helps individuals to learn how they think, act, and feeling, without any sensations of judgment or criticism. As previously descried, it is incredibly difficult for a person with borderline personality disorder to not only allow themselves to feel emotions, but also to not judge themselves for feeling it. The following exercises are meant to help you take note of the physical sensations within your body that signal you to certain thoughts and feelings. What this chapter is going to challenge you to do, though, is to let yourself feel them, of course, under the supervision of a medical professional.

This chapter is going to get you more in tune with the way you physically experience borderline personality disorder, depression, anxiety and anger issues, as well as teach you a number of relaxation techniques that can help you through the most intense of sensations. The benefits of mindfulness meditation will also be discussed, along with several exercises that you can integrate into your self-treatment regime.

First though we will start off with the therapeutic aspects of mindfulness that is specific to DBT.

Acceptance and Change

The first few sessions are going to focus on the dialectic of acceptance and change. Remember, that this word refers to opposing meaning of the two words. A trusting relationship must first be formed between the client and therapist, before this concept is even introduced. If you are looking for a therapist, is is smart to find one that you connect to, or you will not allow yourself to open up completely to their care. When this is established, the idea of radical acceptance can be approached.

This concept embraces the idea that a person should face situations, whether they be positive or negative, completely without judgment. Both acceptance and the later concept of emotional regulation depend on this notion of radical acceptance, which is what sets DBT apart from other psychotherapeutic techniques.

Once a patient is in therapy and has grasped the notion of radical acceptance, they are ready to move forward onto the notion of change. Change takes place within five specific stages, called within the psychology world The Stages of Change:

Precontemplation

Contemplation

Preparation

Action

Maintenance

If a person is in therapy, then they are more than likely within the contemplation stage, where they have realized that they have a problem, meaning, their borderline personality disorder or other mental health disorder. They could also be later on in the progress of stage, depending whether or not they actively sought out a therapist or if they were court ordered. The stage of action is when they are present within therapy and are willing to participate in order to make their life better.

“What” skills

Observe: This is a non-judgmental observation of one’s environment, whether it is internal or external. This helps the person not stick so easily to what is occurring within them and outside of them; this is sometimes called within therapeutic circles, a ‘Teflon mind’.

Describe: This is used to express what one has observed within their skill of observation. It is to be used with statements that are not judgmental.

Once the person has observed what is occurring within the five senses, they can learn to put it into words which will help them further understand their environment.

Participate: This is when the person becomes fully focused and involved within that they are doing.

“How” Skills

These are skills that involves active meditation and mindful observation, similar to what was previously described. What essentially is involved within mindful meditation is the ability to acknowledge thoughts and feelings as they arise, but not to fight them or try to push them away. The irony of trying to do this has proven to make them bigger and thus heavier of an impact on our mental health. This teaches the patient that they are capable of looking at their problems, emotions, and thoughts, without losing control of themselves. They cultivate a loving-kindness toward themselves and helps them accept what may be going on within their mind at that particular moment.

Nonjudgmentally: This is key and separates factual descriptions from outright judgments of self or occurrences. The patient is taught not to label thinking or emotions as good or bad, but to see them as fact merely. It also helps in communication skills, as it is a mere description of what is occurring without an added judgment that might upset someone.

One-Mindfully: This is the focus on one thing within meditation or daily life. For example, a person may focus on their stomach rising and falling, or the sound of rain or sound maker. It helps the person not stray into rumination or overwhelming themselves with their emotions.

Relaxed Breath Techniques

Relaxation techniques are meant to work best in conjunction with exposure therapy as well as cognitive restructuring.

The point of breathing exercises and relaxation techniques is not to replace the sensation of anxiety, depression or anger, or to run from it, but to embrace it, and help you learn the difference between thoughts and physical sensations. These techniques will help you become more aware of how your body reacts to certain thoughts and moods. Please take note of when you feel you may be using one of those techniques in order to flee from the unpleasant feeling. This is not the point of them, and will only injure your progress in the long run

Breathing Exercises: Slow Diaphragmatique Breathing

This technique sends a direct signal to the brain to let it know that it is safe. This practice is usually recommended to be done alone, either before your start your day or after it. You can apply it while you are in a situation that makes you anxious or are coping with a memory or triggered depressive thoughts. But remember, you are not doing this to rid yourself of the anxiety. If you are doing it in the moment, remember that it is meant to have the emotion felt, and to remind you that you are safe.

From a comfortable chair with your feet on the floor or find a place to lie down.

Place your hands onto your belly and allow them to rest gently.

Start by observing your breath. Try not to judge the pace in which your belly is rising and falling.

Begin filling up your belly with an inhale slow, so it starts to feel like a little beach ball or globe. Imagine a balloon being filled up. Do not do this roughly or too fast. Focus on breathing into your stomach, and not allowing your shoulders to lift as you inhale.

Breathe out slowly to the count of five. Try to do this as slowly as possible.

After the exhale, hold for about 2-3 seconds before you inhale into your belly again.

Breathe in and out this way and observe how your breath has slowed down.

Practice this for around 10 minutes.

This practice will work better if you try to do this twice a day at the beginning of your treatment. Try to do it at the same point of the day, every day. This is usually a good start for those who suffer from anxiety or anger issues.

Progressive Muscle Relaxation

Many people with anxiety, depression and anger issues suffer from muscle tension. For the person with anxiety, it is because when they experience the emotion of that anxiety in their body, their muscle tense up, as a reaction toward a perceived threat (to either participate in fight or flight). People with repressed anger issues suffer from the same problem. Those with depression are known to possess extra tense muscles because of the constant ruminating that causes immense stress within their bodies.

For whatever reason it may be, this technique attempts to employ the opposite. It is the absence of tension in the body’s muscles. The aim of it is to gradually learn to release tension in the muscles through daily exercise. This shows your body during moments of anxiety and/or anger that you are safe and reduces the likelihood of a flight or fight response. The practice has you systematically tensing and relaxing certain muscle groups of the body. If you try it out for a moment and tense your bicep now, for about 5-7 seconds, then allow it to relax, you feel the instant difference in the lack of tension.

If you have a history of other medical problems, please consult with your local physician about using this relaxation exercise:

You will be stating at your feet and working your way up to your face. Make yourself comfortable with loose clothing, and either sit upright on a chair or lie down.

Take a few minutes to breathe in and out slowly, with deep breaths.

When you feel ready, shift your attention to your right foot. Observe it without judgment.

Slowly, begin tensing the muscles in your right foot, squeezing as tightly as you are physically able to. Hold for a count to 10.

Slowly relax your foot. Focus on the tension slowly leaking out as your foot gets loose and limp.

Stay in this moment for a few seconds, breathing slowly and deeply.

Shift your attention to your left food.

Follow these steps for each section of your body.

If you are unsure about which muscles you should tense at the same or separate moment, try following this miniature guideline:

—-Right foot left foot.

—-Right calf left calf.

—-Right thigh left thigh.

—-Buttocks and hips.

—-Stomach.

—-Chest.

—-Back.

—-Right arm and hand left arm and hand.

—-Shoulders and neck.

—-Face.

It may take some time for you to adjust to tensing the right body muscles, but do not be too hard on yourself. You are slowly teaching your body to calm down.

Body Scan Meditation

This meditation is a relaxed breath technique that blends together concepts of progressive muscle relaxation and deep breathing. It focuses your attention on various parts of your body as well, but instead of tensing and relaxing them, you will simply focus on the way each part of your body feels and avoid labelling the sensations as something positive or negative.

Lie on your back with your legs uncrossed, arms relaxed at your sides. You can have your eyes either open or closed, but if they are open, try not to focus on anything in particular. Focus on your breathing for about two minutes so you can become relaxed.

Begin by focusing on the toes of your right foot. Notice any sensations that might be lurking there, whether it be tingling, an itch, or nothing at all. Focus on it while imagining each deep breath flowing through your toes. Stay on this area for about 1-2 minutes.

Move onto the sole of your foot. Then move onto the right foot and repeat.

Move to your calf, knee, thigh, hip on your right side. Then the left side.

Once you have observed both sides, practice this observation on your torso, lower back and abdomen, the upper back and chest, and shoulders. Finally, end on your neck, your face, and the top of your head.

Once you have focused on each part of your body for around 1-2 minutes each, relax for a while in silence and stillness, noticing how your body is feeling.

Slowly open your eyes.

This form of mediation teaches you that whatever you may be feeling your body is fine as it is and does not require a label that falls under the category of either bad or good. This is an attempt to retrain your mind and no longer find negative associations between certain bodily sensations and the anticipation of oncoming doom.

Mindfulness: The Benefits

Mindfulness is a practice that has grown in popularity and is often integrated into various forms of therapeutic treatment. Mindfulness is defined as a practice that longs to keep you in the present moment without the desire to flee from whatever feeling, bodily sensation, or behavioral issue may be plaguing you.

Many mental health issues thrive on either dwelling on the past or obsessing over the future. Mindfulness practices help you learn to observe your thoughts without judgment or criticism, and to teach you how to begin cultivating compassion toward yourself and your experiences.

Mindfulness Meditation

Mindfulness meditation is not just meant for monks. Many people misunderstand what the point of mindful mediation is. An image of someone hovering over the clouds on a mountaintop is a commonly associated misconception. Mindfulness meditation is not practice meant for an elect few. It is meant to be practice by anyone and everyone, no matter what age or point they are in their lives. No matter how busy, stressed, anxious, angry, or unhappy you may be, mindfulness meditation will act as another tool to integrate into your self-care toolbox. It has been successful to help people in the past reduce stress, anxiety, depression, and anger issues.

Depending on what kind of mindfulness meditation you are participating in, the practice will help you by focusing your attention either on a single repetitive action, such as breathing, or encourage you to observe a specific portion of your mind. Some practices ask you to observe your thoughts without judgment or criticism, so you can learn that thoughts are just as they are; not you at all. It can also be applied to several activities that involve movement, such as walking, eating, or exercising.

Here is a simple exercise of mindful meditation that you can begin practicing now:

1.Find a quiet, comfortable space where you know you will not be interrupted or distracted.

Sit on a chair that is straight-backed or sit crossed legged on the floor.

Choose a point of focus; most people like to focus on their breathing at first. It can be the sensation of air moving in and out of your nostrils, your belly rising and falling, or a candle flame or meaningful word you repeated through the practice.

Distracting thoughts do not mean you are ‘doing it wrong’. Your mind is like a monkey and is meant to be playing around. If you find yourself becoming distracted, do not be angry. The point is to simply bring your attention back to the selected focus of attention, not matter how many times your mind tries to run off.

Visualization

This is a guided imagery practice and a variation on tradition mediation that involves the imagining of a scene that helps you to feel calm. Each person will have a different scene that makes them feel calm; it can be a beach, a childhood home, or even just your bed at home. You can do visualization either on your own or with a therapist. Aids such as soothing music help some people visualize better, along with sounds that co-inside with your particular location.

Here is an easy visualization exercise that can help you get started:

Close your eyes. Be sure to do this in a place where you are not distracted or unsafe.

Find music, sounds, or rhythmic tones that will help your experience feel more authentic. These can be found through YouTube, or through a simple google search.

Picture your peaceful place as vividly as you can; make note of the sounds, sights, smells, feels, and tastes.

Some people lose track of where they are during a visualization, have heavy limbs, or begin yawning. If this happens to you, don’t worry, it is a very common reaction.

If you are unsure as to which practice may benefit you most, try utilizing one day for the next week. You will then begin to notice which ones you feel more comfortable practicing or receive the most benefits from.

Remember, that relaxed breathing techniques and visualization are not practices that are meant to be cure-alls for your mental health issues. They are one part of many building blocks that are going to help you understand your own unique mental health experience.

Step 4: Distress Tolerance

One of the key aspects to having borderline personality disorder is the unwillingness to tolerate any level of distress. This is not helpful of course, as not person goes through a life without distress. Distress is a normal occurrence in every human being’s life, as it helps create personality development. This chapter is going to discuss the DBT method of helping patients learn thaw to cope with average and overwhelming sensations of distress in their lives.

Distress tolerance is a skill that develops and flows naturally within treatment from the previous section that focused on mindfulness skills. Cultivating these skills of acceptance are key in developing these distress tolerance skills, as they are all related to the calm coping tactics of recognizing negative situations, how they impact you or others, without giving into the impulse of fleeing or hiding from them. This teaches a person how to take effective action rather than feeling overwhelmed by negative events and the emotions that come with them.

Distract with ACCEPTS

This is a skill that is applied to distract from temporary emotions that are not pleasant:

Activities: Use positive hobbies that are enjoyed.

Contribute: Help out others.

Comparisons: Compare yourself either to people that are less fortunate or how you seed to be, when you were within your worst state of your disorder.

Emotions: Try to trigger opposing emotions such as humor or happiness with an activity that stimulate this.

Push Away: Put this situation on the shelf, while bringing forward something else temporarily in your mind.

Thoughts: Bring something more pleasant into your mind.

Sensations: Do something else that triggers a positively intense feeling, such as a cold shower or a very flavorful candy. This is not meant as a punishment, for a distraction for a temporary emotion.

Self-Soothe

This is when a person behaves in a way that is kind, nurturing, and compassionate toward themselves. A person will find something that makes them feel good that does not rely on others, such as going to a concert, having a tasty meal, watching your favorite TV show, to help soothe your strong emotions.

IMPROVE

This is a skill that is used in the moment of a stressful situation that should help you relax.

Imagery: Think of a scene that relaxes you, such as a beach, or think of an image of something that is going well in your life.

Meaning: Find a meaning behind what you are feeling without diving too deeply into analysis. The point is to acknowledge that this feeling or situation could benefit you.

Prayer: Not everyone is religious, therefore, you may find a certain affirmation or statement you say to yourself to be helpful or soothing.

Relaxation: Breathe deeply and apply the skills learned within mindfulness meditation.

One Thing: Focus your attention on what you are actually doing within that moment. Try to stay present.

Vacation: Take a break from what is bothering you—this doesn’t mean an actual vacation or to run away from what is bothering you. Leaving a situation for a walk or spending an evening relaxing is a healthy way of re-shifting your focus.

Encouragement: Learn to encourage yourself. Believe you can make it through this situation, as you have been through many before. Telling yourself this will help you feel less vulnerable and assist your ability to cope.

Pros and Cons

Think of, or make a list, of the pros and cons about not tolerating stress. You can do this either in the moment, before it, or after; even conjuring a common scenario in your mind and writing the list down would be helpful.

Radical Acceptance

Don’t try to fight reality. Accept the situation exactly as it is.

Turning the Mind

Bring your mind into the state of acceptance, rather than trying to distract or fight what is going on.

Willingness vs. Willfulness

Be willing to be open to what you may need to do. Let go of the stance that refuse to accept what is.

The next section will focus on what it means to cope with intense emotions and thus regulate them, going hand-in-hand with the state of mindfulness and learning to tolerate your own feelings of distress.

Step 5: Emotion Regulation

One of the key aspects of a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder relies upon the occurrence of intense and seemingly uncontrollable emotions. The frequent occurrence of these intense emotions makes it hard for a person to focus, and also makes them feel vulnerable and ill-suited to cope with the common on-goings of life. These skills, in conjunction with mindfulness and distress tolerance skills, are going to teach you how to do just that. Accepting that you have a sensitive mind is the first step in facing your emotions; whether or not you understand the cause of this sensitivity, you must accept yourself lovingly and know that you were doing the best with the information you had at your disposal. This is a new journey now. The past is in the past.

These skills are based upon the theory that these emotions are a conditioned response to problems in the past, which is called the conditioned stimulus. This means that therapy is required to focus on the patient’s conditioned response, which is their intense emotions. These skills can be categorized into four different modules:

Learning how to understand and name your emotions: This is when the patient focuses on reigning what they are actually feeling. This directly relates to mindfulness, which as brought forward the idea of facing how you are feeling.

Changing Unwanted Emotions: The therapist uses the technique of opposite-reactions, fact-checking and problem solving to help regulate these emotions. The patient will focus on distress feelings by responding with the opposite of emotion

Reduction of Vulnerability: The patient is taught to gather up positive emotions and to plan ways of coping in advance, in anticipation for handling difficult situations in the future.

Managing: This helps the patient deal with extreme conditions in the on goings of their lives. This keeps the practice of mindfulness as a constant state, teaching them to remain alert and stable in a situation that may have caused them to flee in the past.

Story of Emotion

If one is having difficultly understand what they are feeling, this process of observing and labelling what is going on should help. The person can start off writing it down, but eventually, will develop this skill as a mental exercise that will feel natural:

Prompting Event

Interpretation of the event

Body sensations

Body language

Action urge

Action

Emotion name.

Doing this helps the person identify what is going on, rather than getting lost within the sensation. Carry around your notebook with you and try to do this the next time you are feeling something that you can’t quite put your finger on, or when you are feeling overwhelmed. Here is an example:

Prompting Event: Friend at work did not say hello.

Interpretation of the event: My friend does not like me and has been pretending to like me.

Body sensations: Stomach pain, butterflies, flushed face.

Body language: Picking at skin, twitching hands, cannot sit still.

Action urge: Ask the friend what their problem is and overly assess what is wrong with me.

Action: Wait until the end of the day to allow my emotions to rest. See if the friend says hi again tomorrow, then make plans to write out problem solving after relaxation.

PLEASE

This is related to contributing unhealthy habits that make a person’s mind more vulnerable. It focuses on maintaining a healthy physical body, so the mind is more prepared to cope with emotional problems and triggers.

PhysicaL Illness: Get proper treatment for a physical injury or sickness.

Eating: Make sure you eat a proper diet, consistently. Pay attention to allergies and any other influence that might change the way you need to eat.

Avoid: Mood-alternating drugs are not good for anyone, and thus, are definitely not good for a person with a sensitive mood.

Sleep: Try to get at least 7-8 hours of sleep per night as an adult. This also means paying attention to sleeping too much, as it can indicate co-morbid depression.

Exercise: Getting moving is one of the most important ways that one can regulate their mood, as it stimulates neurotransmitters such as dopamine and serotonin that make you feel good.

Build Mastery

.

Try to put yourself to doing one thing a day that allows you to build competence and control.

Opposite Action

This is a skill that is used when you are feeling emotion that is not justify its meaning that is just proportionate to the situation. Apply this skill by doing the opposite of the urge to your feeling in the moment. This is a tool that will help you notice he experience of the unwanted emotion by replacing it with another emotion that is the opposite.

For example, you may be feeling angry at your sibling for something that you feel isn’t appropriate—perhaps they forgot to bring something for you that they said they would. You may initially interpret this as intentionally, but due to your mindfulness you realize that this emotion is too intense for the situation. You replace it with humor, perhaps bothering them about their forgetfulness instead of being angry.

Problem Solving

This is a skill that is discussed in further detail in a later chapter. It is highly effective for those with borderline personality disorder because it acknowledges the emotions that are appropriate and helps them deal with the situation directly.

Letting Go

This is a mindfulness practice that simply, takes practice. The goal is to cultivate a pattern of observation and experiencing of the emotion, accepting it, and letting it go before it overwhelms you. Like all skills described in this book, this is not going to be automatic, it will take time, so be gentle with yourself.

The next section is going to focus on the interactions those BPD or other disorders have with others. It is very similar to the training a person who is seeking to become more assertive may experience.

Step 6: Interpersonal Effectiveness

People with borderline personality disorder often possess good interpersonal skills in general, especially when it comes to helping another person out in a situation, they are not personally involved in. The problem arises when it comes time for the to cope with a similar situation, especially when it comes to being assertive. This section of DBT seeks to teach this person the skills of maximizing that their goals and desires will be met, learning to say no, and to ensure that the relationship is not damaged or the person’s self-respect through this interaction.

DEAR MAN: Relaying Ones Needs

This helps a person learn how to get what they want when they request it.

Describe one’s situation using factual statements.

Express the emotions experienced when the situation happened, why this is an issue and how one may be feeling about it.

Assert oneself by asking clearly and specific what behavior change the person wants.

Reinforce your position by offering positive consequences if you were to get what you want.

Mindfulness helps the situation by focusing on what you want rather than getting distracted by validating and redirecting them back to the point.

Appear confident, even if you don’t feel that way.

Negotiate with a person who may be hesitant and come to a compromise that your request.

GIVE: Giving Something to Others

This helps a person maintain their relationships with others, whether they be with coworkers, family, romantic partners, etc. It is described in conversational style.

Gentle: Use respectful and appropriate language; avoid sarcasm, put downs, and do your best to be non-judgmental.

Interested: Act interested in what another person is saying by utilization eye contact, asking to follow up questions, etc. Avoid using your phone or changing the subject to yourself all the time.

Validate: Show understanding and some empathy for a person in their situation. You can validate through words, body language, and your facial expressions.

Easy: Be calm and comfortable with humor, smiling, and kindness.

FAST: Maintaining Self-Respect

This will help you maintain your own level of self-respect within your interactions, and when you are being assertive. It is meant to be used in conjunction with the other interpersonal skills.

Fair: Be fair to both yourself and those who you are interacting with.

Apologies: Don’t apologize more than once for something you may have done wrong. It is not fair for a person to be criticizing you endlessly. No one is perfect.

Stick: Stay true to your values and what you believe in. Don’t allow others to encourage you otherwise, or to act in a way that is against any of these belief systems or values.

Truth: Try not to lie; all lying does is damage your relationships. Staying truthful can also harbor a closer connection.

Here are some ways that you can become more empathic:

Listen: A person who is struggling isn’t always looking for the answers. They don’t want a lecture, or a story about a friend who also had cancer or lost their job or a parent. They literally just want you to sit there, to hear them. Your job is not to provide a response, but to show them that they are loved, and that there is someone out there who is present for them in their pain. You don’t need to have the answers, because the person does not either; let them know that you will not work to escape the discomfort of the situation by simply listening.

Connect with Feelings: Human beings are blessed with imaginations—all while you cannot literally walk in another person’s shoes, you certainly can apply that imagination. Think about what it might be like to have cancer, to have a family member die, to suddenly lose your job, etc.? Emotions are universally human, so it should not be difficult for you to comprehend the complexity of these painful feelings. This will help you to feel more deeply with another person and thus avoid the sympathy traps mentioned above.

Acknowledge Pain: This helps the other person feel heard. What you say in a certain situation isn’t going to heal them or fix the problem. But through your words you can let them know that you see their pain and are aware that they are struggling. Sentences can sound something like “I can’t imagine how you must be feeling”, “thank you for sharing and trusting me, I am here for you.” What these statements show is that you are not going to paint over their pain with surface positive statements. You are going to sit with them and their emotions, and that how they are feeling is completely fine.

Show Love: Showing a person love can look like many different things. You can sit and watch your favorite show together, cook them dinner, do their laundry, babysit the kids, or even write a note and leave it on their nightstand. Simple texts throughout the day to show that you are thinking of them makes them feel like they are loved, and that someone else besides them is thinking about their pain. Usually people in pain don’t know how they can be helped, so try to do something without being asked will say it all.

Ask Questions: Depending upon the situation, you may want to ask questions in order to show the person that you care, and it encourages them to share more. You show them that you are a safe person to speak to. Making cover-up statements shuts the conversation down and makes the person feel like they should not have shared with you in the first place.

Mirroring: There are sometimes when a person is struggling that they require more of a response, instead of simply listening. If someone is opening up to you, you can apply mirroring to be as open as they are. This doesn’t mean injecting your own personal story or the story of another person as previously mentioned but connecting on an intimate level that hears their pain and expresses your feeling with them. Nothing ruins a connection like a person entirely changing the subject to themselves—this just shows that they aren’t listening, and don’t really care about what you are going through. A single line statement about you understand a situation is all that is needed, to show them that you can understand what they are feeling and are completely down to get in the dirt and feel the pain with them.

Don’t Jump Ahead: Many people try to summarize a conversation or cut to the end by offering a solution instantly. This makes the person once more, feel unheard. If you tell a friend that you just lost a job and it is making you feel depressed, and then they respond with “I’m sorry to hear that, I hope you get a job soon”, how are you going to feel? They ended the conversation abruptly, and you don’t feel like sharing any more of your emotions with them. It makes you feel like they don’t want to hear about you anymore, so you just close up.

Give Support: Sometimes all this means is literally telling a person out loud that they have your support. You are not providing them a solution or painting over how they are feeling, you are saying that you are a stable person to go to, should they require understanding, non-judgment, and a shoulder to cry on. This fosters connection because the person will likely come to you again should they need anyone to listen to them.

Step 7: Extra Tools and Exercises

This chapter is going to focus on additional skills that can aid you in your ongoing DBT treatment. If you suffer from borderline personality disorder, along with other co-morbid diagnosis’, it is more than likely that you suffer with goal setting, problem-solving, and some form of assertiveness training. This is normal, because you have been suffering from a mental health issue without really understanding what is going on inside you. Now, you have successfully identified cognitive distortions and applied cognitive restructuring, while engaging in exposure therapies that teach you how to cope with physiological and psychological sensations. These additional skills will only enhance your development as you go through the journey of self-understanding and healing your mental health disorder.

Goal Setting and Problem-Solving: Depression with Co-Morbid Borderline Personality Disorder

One of the main symptoms for those who suffer from debilitating forms of depression is the lack of motivation. If you have suffered from depression or a mood disorder for a long time, it can become easier to feel more and more like you have not achieved much in your life, because your depression is preventing you from doing so.

Goal setting and problem-solving techniques will each you how to make daily and weekly goals, as well as promoting healthy manners in which you can problem solve without feeling too exasperated.

Several worksheets will be suggested in this chapter to help you focus on building a happier future. Depression, along with several other mental health disorders, make it difficult to focus on the present moment. One of the ways that can help a depressed person feel grounded is to have their goals laid out in front of them so they can reference them on a daily basis.

This sheet will ask you to outline your goals in three separate distinctions of time: short-term goals, long-term goals, and life goals. It will then be asked what it is that you need in order to achieve these goals. Short-term goals can be anything, from mowing the lawn, to getting up and out of bed by a certain time. Yearly goals can be job applying or attaining a new job. Long-term and lifegoals may seem more intimidating, but when you divide up your life into smaller pieces, longer term goals do not appear as frightening. If you are unable to identify goals that go beyond the short-term, begin by writing weekly goals for a month. Then, try to go back to this worksheet every month, and try to identify later life goals and how you can achieve them for yourself. They do not need to be anything as glamorous as buying a new house or travelling the world. They can be as simple as going on a few dates, reaching out to friends, or learning a new skill.

This next worksheet will focus on how your past is a part of your present, and how you can utilize the present to create a more positive future. It is normal for a person to become stuck in one format of time, whether it be the past or the future, in a negative, depressed or anxious way.

This worksheet will help you recognize why your moods were the way that they were in past, and how you can learn to change your behavior to make them different for the present and future. It can also give you a visual understanding of yourself, and cultivate sensations of acceptance and relief, rater than shame and guilt.

It is divided up into three sections: looking back, looking forward, and goal planning. Be as honest with yourself as you can, but also try to begin giving yourself permission to feel compassion and forgiveness. This will prepare you for the later chapter the focus on mindfulness mediation, and relaxed breathing techniques.

After the first two columns are completed, write out three attainable goals. These goals need to be realistic and time-sensitive, more so toward the nearer future than the farthest future. For example, try not to write a goal about winning the lottery.

Learning New Problem-Solving Skills

If you suffer from depression, anxiety, or anger issues, it is more than likely that you have trouble solving problems in life. These problems can either relate directly to your mental health, or to other issues that surround it, such as relationship problems, financial problems, or dealing with medical issues. In this section, the most effective forms of problem solving specifically tailored for those who have extra difficulty will be listed, as well as practical steps in how to apply them.

depression.org.nz identifies four steps needed in order to solve a particular problem in a structured format. They have titled it [2]Structure Problem Solving:

Step 1: Identifying Your Problems: Make a list of the problems you are currently facing. List as many or as little as you would like. Begin by not going into too much detail. Some suggested words that may help you summarize the problem are relationship with family or spouse, loss or death or someone close, isolation/loneliness, unemployment, harassment or abuse, financial issues, legal issues, substance use issues, physical or mental health issues, low self-esteem or confidence.

1.___________________________________

2.___________________________________

3.___________________________________

4.___________________________________

5.___________________________________

6.___________________________________

7.___________________________________

8.___________________________________

9.___________________________________

10. _________________________________

Next, still on this same step, choose a problem that you would like to work on from your list. Once you have chosen one, ask yourself these questions to help you define the problem more clearly:

Why is this a problem? What effect does it have on my life?

What is the problem?

When does this problem occur?

Where does the problem occur?

Who is involved in this problem?

Once you have answered these questions, try to write out a single sentence that summarizes the problem. Start your statement with the word “I” and include an action word within it. If you do not have control over the problem, then it is going to be difficult to resolve it. Try to choose problems from your list that you have some level of control over.

Step 2: Generating Solutions: Use this section to write down potential solutions for the problem you have just selected. Don’t worry for now about whether or not this problem seems realistic or practical. Try not to think too much about it. No matter what ideas come to mind, write them down.

After you have finished writing down all of your potential solutions, take some time to evaluate your list. Eliminate those that are too hard or involve solutions that are not realistic or involves elements that you are not in control of. Look out for duplicates of solutions.

Choose the best-looking ideas that you feel is most practical and likely for you to commit to.

Now it is time for you to evaluate your idea, by weighing out the advantages, disadvantages and neutral components of implementing this solution. Need be, to help you write these out, ask yourself the following questions:

How will this solution affect my own well-being? (This means how it will affect you physically, emotionally, and psychologically).

How much effort and time is needed?

Are there any financial risks involved?

Does it fit in with my other daily routines and goals?

How will it affect those around me?

Is this a feasible solution?

Advantages: ________________________________________________________

Disadvantages: ______________________________________________________

Neutral thoughts: ____________________________________________________

If your idea for a solution has more advantages or neutral thoughts than disadvantages, write out a final statement of this solution. If it does not, go back to your list and solutions and try to find one that has more potential to it.

Step 3: Making an Action Plan: This section will clearly have defined the steps that you need to take in order to make your proposed solution work in the real world. The clearer that you write out an action plan, the more likely that it is going to succeed. This will make it easier to attack the problem head on, and to have something to refer back to when you begin to have trouble.

My Problem is: _________________________________________________

My Solution is: _________________________________________________

My plan to do this is:

___________________________________________________

___________________________________________________

___________________________________________________

___________________________________________________

___________________________________________________

___________________________________________________

___________________________________________________

___________________________________________________

Write out as many steps as you feel may be necessary in order to complete solving your problem.

Step 4: Review your Progress: Reviewing your progress is an important part of becoming an expert in applying Structured Problem Solving. With every step laid out clearly and concise, you develop a more natural skill of assessing and revolving problems. You will learn as much from your mistakes as you will from your successes. Ask yourself, when reviewing your progress:

What worked well? _________________________________________________

What didn’t work as planned? _________________________________________

What would I change about my plan? ___________________________________

Once you have made your way through this entire section, give yourself a pat on the back! You have taken a big step toward proactively solving issues in your life.

If you feel like you have successfully solved the problem, try to go through the list and apply these steps toward each problem. Even if you have to go through this problem-solving section a few times with one problem, try not to be too hard on yourself. There is a reason that they are called problems in the first place

Assertiveness Training for Anger Management

Assertiveness training is another technique applied within CBT treatment. It is specifically used for those who suffer from anger issues. This is because those with issues expressing their anger I have difficultly with communication. Anger is a form of communication and is a healthy emotion to experience. Letting anger come out through name-calling, blaming, and negative passive-aggressive comments, is not healthy, and can easily affect relationships and your own experience of personal happiness.

If you are having issues expressing your anger, then you may be lacking the skills to be assertive in conversations.

This is a big difference between being aggressive and controlling, then to be confident in validating your needs and desires. Therefore, there is a difference between expressing anger aggressively and assertively. Expressing your anger assertively means that you are able to express how you feel while being in control of the feelings you are experiencing. Learning to express yourself assertively means separately how you feel with how you express yourself.

If you are having difficultly identifying the differences between being assertive and being aggressive, try to read over this basic summary:

—-Assertiveness is based on balance: It requires being straightforward about your wants and needs, while still considering these wants and needs of others. You are still applying empathy while firmly getting how you feel across to another person.

—-Aggressive behavior is based on winning: You focus solely on what is in your best interest without thinking about the needs and desires of others. The power you are applying while being aggressive is strictly selfish. You will come across as being a bully or pushy.

[3]Mind Tools identifies seven suggested steps that you can follow if you want to develop your assertiveness skills. Applying these will help you to feel more balanced:

Value Yourself and Your Rights: Before you try to become more assertive, you should gain a better understanding of yourself. You should also try to develop a strong belief in your natural value of self, as well as your value within a team. Confidence is important when trying to be more assertive but try not to allow it turn into a sense of self-importance. Your needs, desires, and rights are just as importance as everyone else's.

Voice Your Needs and Wants Confidently: If you want to perform at your best level and feel happy in life, you need to make sure your needs and wants are met. Try to identify the things that you want and need now. Set goals (as mentioned in the previous section) so you can look forward to achieving them. Once you have done this, it will be easier to express to those what it is exactly that you need or want. Remember to ask politely, stick to your point, and not to ask others to sacrifice their own needs for yours.

Acknowledge That You Can’t Control Other People’s Behaviors: This is an important fact for those with anger issues to realize. Oftentimes, we become angry with people when they do things that do not line up with what we want. But we cannot control what other people do, and it is important to keep remind yourself of that fact. You can only focus on your own behavior. As long as you are respecting the needs of others, then you have the right to say what you want.

Learn to Express Yourself in a Positive Way: Falling into negative behaviors and expressions of anger is very easy. Try to focus on expressing what you need positively, even if you are feeling angry. This will help you not fall into the bad habit of name-calling, accusing, etc.

Be Open to Criticism and Compliments: Try to develop the skill of accepting both positive and negative feedback. Sometimes, when you receive negative feedback, it is easy to start feeling defensive, and even hurt. If you do not agree with the feedback you are receiving, then you need to prepare yourself to say so. Again, this is meant to be expressed assertively, without anger or aggressiveness.

Learn to Say No: People who suffer with issues when being assertive often have difficultly saying no. Saying no is important when considering your own wants and needs, as well as contracting boundaries that are healthy and necessary. You are not able to please everyone, nor are you and endless source of energy. Saying no to people in your relationships, job settings, and friends shows that you know what you want and need, and respect yourself enough to follow through on them.

Using Assertive Communication Techniques: There are a number of ways that you can apply certain assertive skills through the practice of some of these techniques:

—-Use “I” Statements: Using the word “I” conveys the basic assertion that you want to get your point across firmly. It also avoids blaming and the escalation of pointless arguments.

—-Empathy: It is hard when you are angry to try to see the issues from another person’s point of view. But if you practice empathy on a consistent basis, the level in which your anger reaches will begin to lower each time you feel you are going to overreact.

If you see a situation from another person’s point of view, it is easier to understand the reasoning behind their behavior. You still don’t have to agree with the person, but it will help your anger feel more constructive rather than destructive.

—-Escalation: Trying to be assertive with another person isn’t always going to work the first time you apply it. Maine that person also has issues with anger and expressing themselves/Some problems also require more time and patience in order to be resolved, such as problems in the workplace. If you feel you need to escalate your assertiveness, continue along the path of being polite and respectful, but firm.

—-Ask for more Time: If you can feel your anger rising and identify that you are having trouble controlling it, feel enough confidence to ask for some time so your anger can dissipate, and you can choose a reaction that is more rational.

—-Change Your Verbs: Try integrated verbs into your vocabulary that clearly and firmly state what it is your asking for, or what it is that you need. When you do this, there will be more room for misinterpretation. Begin using words like “will” instead of “could/should”, and “want” instead of “need”, “choose to” instead of “have to”.

—-Don’t be afraid to sound like a Broken Record: Keep reiterating yourself if a person is not taking what you are saying seriously. Continue you using the strong and firm message until the person will realize that you are drawing a line and are meaning what you’re saying. This is best to practice at work if you are overwhelmed with tasks, and someone tries to throw more onto, using guilt as a weapon. No matter what they say, stick with your assertive statement that lets them know you cannot take on anymore work. Your needs are important.

—-Try Scripting: Scripting is a technique that allows you to practice making assertive statements before you may need to state them. It will help you prepare what you are going to say, and give you enough confidence to stick to it:

The Event: Tell the other person exactly how you see the issue.

Your Feelings: Describe how you feel about the situation and express them as clearly as possible.

Your needs: Tell the person exactly what it is that you need from them, so they do not have to guess.

The Consequences: Describe the positive effect that your request will have for the other person if you need are actually met.

Write down the observe steps in your notebook if this is an occurrence you want to practice being assertive about. Applying assertiveness instead of being angry will in the long run help you in your relationships, your work life, and will help you live a more enjoyable and fulfilling life.

Identifying Stressful Situations

Many people do not have a proper grasp on what the experience of stress actually looks like. Some people link together the experience of a panic attack, an extreme reaction to intense anxiety, as the visual representation of what stress manifesting itself outwardly may appear as. Some people connect it to a mere physiological experience of neck pain, backaches, and consistent headaches that arrive once work begins. Others know when they are stressed because they begin craving a form of drugs or alcohol that will drown out their uncomfortable sensations.

Stress, in a tangible sense, is the experience of the neurochemical cortisol, firing out of the neurons in our brain and shooting down our brain stem. These elevated cortisol levels interfere with our memory, learning processes, lower immune function, and increase our blood pressure. This way if we are doing a speech in front of a group of people and we feel stressed, we may forget how to begin, because cortisol is rushing through our veins. This is also why we sweat, our hearts race, and our thoughts tend to expand and run into each other. This combined physiological and psychological reaction to a stimulus is what evolutionist refer to as the fight-or-flight response; a fearful reaction that has been ingrained without human nature since the dawn of consciousness. What is does is warn us about potential threats and danger. Once we have assessed the threat, we can decide whether or not we want to fight it or flee from it.

But what happens when stress manifests itself more severely, and also, through an extended period of time?

Different Kinds of Stress

Acute Stress: This kind of stress is the kind that is felt temporarily and is experienced during fight-or-flight situations. It is immediate and very intense; it only lasts for a certain amount of time and fades when the stimuli go away, or when you begin to adjust to the stimuli. An example of this could be going for a job interview or rushing to get to work on time.

The majority of the time, this momentary experience of stress does not adversely affect a healthy person. But there are more extreme moments that could affect a person for a lifetime, such as when a traumatic accident occurs to a person or a loved one. These people then become vulnerable to developing post-traumatic stress disorder, a mental health issue that is defined by this sudden onset of stress.

Chronic Stress: There is a reason why stress still exists as a bodily and emotional reaction in humans; it acts to benefit us in several ways still. It can motivate us, encourage us, and energize us into action when it is needed most, especially in an emergency. But stress turns into health issues when the stressors pile up, lingering inside a person’s mind and thus their body. Persistent stress can lead to bodily symptoms that seem subtle, such as headaches and back pain, that come and go every now and then without a known definitive cause. The inability to deal with these stressors can also lead to other mental health problems, such as the experience of mood disorders like depression, and other anxiety disorders.

Take a mental note about the last time you felt stressed. How did you know you were stressed? What physical symptoms do you experience? Do you feel like you are suffering from acute stress or chronic stress? If you are unsure, you may want to purchase a blank notebook so you can begin making notes from now on while reading along in this book. Take note on the next sections on triggers and symptoms, writing down the ones you feel you experience most often. Once you write them down, put in brackets how often this actually is; it could daily, weekly, or occasionally (which would be once every two to three weeks).

Common Causes/Triggers

The first step in learning to manage your stress levels is to identify what triggers your stress experience. Everyone is going to have different triggers; some people may become very stressed about traffic jams, when their child doesn’t clean up their toys, while others are not bothered in this slightest. Your life situation, environment, nature, and way you are nurtured are all going to factor in, which makes stress management, not a one-size-fits-all treatment plan. Be sure, to be honest with yourself within these next sections, as it will only benefit you in the future.

External Stressors:

--Major Life Changes: Changes in your life do not have to be negative in order to make you feel stressed. They can be a new engagement, planning a wedding, or a new job promotion. But of course, the negative changes would still affect you aversely, such as the death of a loved one, a breakup, or moving into another city/town.

--The Environment: What is occurring on a consistent basis in the world around you can be a great source of stress. Some people are more sensitive and react to the sudden sound of a barking dog, or the presence of too much light or dark within that room as well. Sometimes these things can be too stimulating, too loud, too overwhelming, to the point where some people experience the physical sensations of stress and don’t realize what they are being stressed by.

--Unpredictable Events: We cannot control everything that happens in our day to day lives. An unpredictable event can be something as small as a traffic accident or forgetting to buy wine for the guests who are coming over. It, of course, includes larger events, such as a pay-cut, a job firing, or the sudden presence of guests.

What actually stresses a person and is unpredictable will depend upon the person and what they consider upsetting. One person may be okay with friends dropping by without an invite, whereas, this may stress out another person.

--Workplace: The workplace is a very common source of external stress. Meeting deadline, keeping up a good work ethic, worrying about what your boss thinks of you, getting enough hours, dealing with customers, etc., are some examples of how the workplace can cause stress for any person.

--Social: Meeting new people can very stressful for someone who has social anxiety, or even a person who simply doesn’t engage with strangers very often. Going on a blind date would make most people stressed. Having to mentor someone at work and have them look up to you probably stresses many people as well.

Internal Stressors:

Not all stress falls under the category of events that happen to us. Sometimes, we are the source of our stress, which often leads to the experience of mental health problems. The following list of internal stimuli is generalized for this section but will be expanded on in the later chapters of this book.

--Fears: Having a specific fear or phobia can be a constant source of stress, especially if a person chooses to avoid it, and how often they are faced with it. A person can fear flying, snakes, public speaking, or a more generalized sensation of a fear of failure.

--Uncertainty and lack of control: Most do not like when they are not at least even in moderate control of what happens to them. This is when our imagination runs wild, and we construct the worst possible scenario. Not knowing whether or not you got a job or are waiting for the results of a medical test, can cause a fair amount of stress.

--Beliefs: This falls under the umbrella of attitudes, opinions, and expectations as well. Our beliefs shape our experiences and how we appraise them in our minds. Having the expectations that everything will go well may set us up for stressful feelings, as well as having an attitude that we only deserve good things, can cause stress to thrive inside us. (Cognitive distortions, as well as mistaken beliefs, will be discussed later on in this book.)

As previously mentioned, everyone can get stressed for different reasons. This list is a mere generalization of thousands of other external or internal stimuli that can cause a person stress. If you didn’t see any of the main sources of stimuli that cause you to stress listed above, feel free to write your own list that is more specific.

Common Symptoms

The following list is symptoms of chronic and acute stress that may be going unnoticed in your life, beyond the obvious physical sensations of racing heart, shortness of breath, rapid thoughts, shaking hands and general anxiety.

Acne: This is one of the most visual ways that stress is able to manifest itself. This is believed to happen because when some people are stressed out, they tend to touch their face more often than usual, which leads to the spreading of bacteria that was on their hands. A correlation was made in a study that observed 22 people before and during an exam and noted an increase in acne severity. Another reason as to why this may occur is picking habits that some people in engage in when they are ruminating about something.

The stress, of course, isn’t the only cause of acne; many teenagers have acne due to hormonal shifts and excess oil production.

Headaches: Headaches can be caused by many external and internal stimuli, such as temperature changes, hydration issues, medication side effects, a head injury, etc. A study of 267 people with chronic headaches found that a stressful event preceded the development of the chronic headache, in 45% of the cases. A larger study done in the United States surveyed over 150 million service members at a headache clinic and found that 67% of those who attended the clinic claimed that their headache was triggered by stress. This would make it the second most common headache trigger, the first being dehydration.

Chronic Pain: Random aches and pains without a known cause are a common issue amongst those with chronic stress issues. Studies have found that increased stress and physical pain may be associated with the presence of the stress hormone cortisol.

Frequent Sickness: If you are constantly calling in sick to work and feel you are always recovering from a cold or flu; you may be suffering from chronic stress issues. Stress has been known to deplete the strength of our immune systems and make us more susceptible to infections and viruses around us.

Decreased Energy and Insomnia: This is a symptom of many mental health disorders in general. The brain becomes overly tired from working overtime, and also loses healthy sleep time because the person is ruminating over a stressful situation. People usually suffer from this particular symptom if they are going through a particularly stressful point in their lives, which can lead to depression, anxiety disorders, as well as other associated physical issues.

Changes in Libido: Many people have noted over years of research how their sex drive has diminished due to stressful life situations. This is why many couples do not engage in sexual activity as often when they have a baby because they are more consistently stressed than usual.

This also happens because the hormone cortisol is present and interferes with the hormones that are necessary for sexual arousal. This is most often the case for many women who are excessively stressed.

Digestive Issues: Problems such as having diarrhea and constipation have been linked to experiences of high stress. One study looked at 3,000 children who were exposed to stressful events and found that constipation was greatly associated with them. Stress may also more adversely affect those with digestive disorders such as irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), or inflammatory bowel disease (IBD). Both of these disorders are characterized by stomach pain, bloating, diarrhea, and constipation.

Appetite Changes: This symptom is also another sign of depression. Many people who are stressed out before a big meeting, presentation, or job interview, will not eat breakfast in the morning because they find that they have no appetite. On the other hand, some people reach for food more often when they are stressed, depending upon what the stressful stimuli are. Increase in weight is very common during times of intense stress.

Depression: Depression has been mentioned several times throughout this section because it is directly linked to the experience of stress. Many studies have been done that have linked a stressful life-events to the onset of depression, as well as the many symptoms of chronic stress being associated with the symptoms of depression. In general, if you are suffering from the symptoms of depression, you have probably experienced some form of chronic stress in your life.

                     Rapid Heartbeat: An increased heart rate can be a symptom of higher stress levels, not only in an acute manner but in a chronic way as well. Our heartbeats are naturally faster (unless you have a specific personality disorder) when we are within stressful situations, or when we recall a stressful one.

                     Excessive Sweating: Sweating when engaging in physical activity or when you are nervous is entirely normal. Excessive sweating may mean that you are spending a lot of time thinking about the stressful event/situation, or you are engaging in one on a consistent basis. Excessive sweating can also be experienced by people with anxiety disorders, and also acts as a side effect for many medications.

                     Forgetfulness and Disorganization: If you are usually very organized, and are suddenly feeling very forgetful and disorganized, you may be experiencing chronic stress. Memory issues due occur from higher levels of cortisol, as well as when you do not get enough sleep.

                     Pessimistic Views: This is also a symptom of depression and occurs often when a person has been experiencing a very stressful event and isn’t coping with them. If you feel like you can only see the negative side of every coin, it may be time to start investigating what is causing you so much stress in your life.

                     Clenched Jaw and Grinding Teeth: Have you ever felt sore in your jaw and you don’t know why? Have you ever woken up with a headache along with a sore jaw? You could be grinding your teeth in your sleep or are doing it subconsciously while you ruminate about an issue that is stressing you out. This is very common for people with anxiety disorders and is a very difficult habit to start noticing and to break.

As previously mentioned, you could be experiencing other symptoms of stress that are not listed here. If you believe this is the case, write it down in your notebook, and how the same process as the other symptoms and triggers. Once you have done this, it is time to make a hierarchy.

Try to make a list of the top 10 triggers of stress in your life. Once you have found at least 10, rate them between 1-10, number 1 being the most stressful, and number 10 being the least. When you have this, be sure to keep it in the front of your notebook, as you will be referencing it often when asked to practice various techniques throughout this book.

And now, we will go forward onto your new journey of stress management! One that is full of new and healthy habits, relaxation, and awareness.

Addiction and Stress

All of us can relate to moments when we have had a particularly hectic workday, or a day that was emotionally draining, where we want to turn to a certain outlet that we know isn’t exactly good for us. Grabbing a beer or two after work on a Friday after a busy week isn’t really frowned up in Western society. Even getting very intoxicated from too much alcohol use on the weekends is accepted mostly. Using substances to help us relax is a common compulsion that many people can relate to one another with. It lowers our inhabitants, calms us down, and allows us to enjoy ourselves. People do this in other ways beyond alcohol, such as with food, videogames, sexual encounters, and other forms of entertainment. But there is a point when participating in a certain activity for reasons of stress goes beyond moderation, and thus, stops being healthy and average. When people fall into the pattern of overusing a substance or behavior in order to neutralize their feelings of stress rather than finding a healthy coping mechanism, they are at great risk for developing an addiction.

In a lot of ways, humans are very simple animals. If you eat, drink, or do something that makes us feel good, what could be wrong with doing it again? Especially when it provides relief from work stress, relationship stress, or even the stress of other mental health disorders. But what we don’t realize we are doing is warming certain neural pathways in our brain that are associated with the reward system, and thus, conditioning ourselves to constantly reach for the drink/drug/activity that makes us feel better even at the slightest indication of discomfort (conditioning is the psychological phenomena that state how humans make negative and positive assertions with a certain actions, persons, places or objects—which often happens subconsciously and can be a difficult association to change).

Before we get into the concept of how stress makes you vulnerable to addiction and how to cope, let’s talk about what addiction actually is.

What is Addiction?

As previously mentioned, addiction is a collection of behaviors and psychological associations between certain stressful feelings and thoughts that, when done consistently, turns maladaptive. When a person is in the depths of addiction, their entire lives are turned upside down, whether or not people externally can observe it. Their work lives, relationships, interests, and hobbies all become effected and corrupted by this activity that they feel is necessary to help them live their lives. What addiction essentially is being a maladaptive coping mechanism; it may start off as one or two drinks after work on the weekends, to them during the week, to five or six every day. People who binge drink may also be suffering from addiction issues because they are trying to block something out of their mind that is causing them great stress.

So instead of finding a healthy outlet such as writing, sports, acting, exercise, etc., to express their feelings of stress, this person has turned to something that is distracting and blocking out the stress, rather than looking directly at it. The reasons as to why certain people become addicted to a substance or behavior depend upon an abundance of personal factors, but what is common amongst all of them is that they haven’t learned how to effectively handle stress. Stress in their lives could be caused by abuse, mental health problems, relationship problems, work problems, or a variety of issues that most people have experienced at least once throughout their lifetime. A combination of stressful life events and poor coping mechanisms makes a person more vulnerable toward developing an addiction problem.

What makes addiction so difficult to overcome is the fact that this person has created a habit about their assertion with any negative sensation. Through the use of their particular substance or behavior, the person has made themselves increasingly intolerant of any uncomfortable feeling. While it is normal to feel some level of stress and cope with it in a healthy manner, the person with addiction issues loses this ability to endure, diminishes their impulsive-control, and thus, seek out the euphoric relief as soon as possible. This behavior becomes patterned, and thus, done more often in order to keep gaining that positive feeling.

This book is not going to dive very deep into the various mechanisms of addiction or treatment options but will focus on a more generalized description and techniques that can be applied. If you or someone you love is suffering from an addiction issue, it would be best to seek professional help and advice for it.

Treating Stress and Addiction Together

Because stress has such a strong correlation with addiction issues, it would be best to focus on getting the treatment that helps you deal with both. Your addiction substance may have been your go-to for a very long time, so now you need to learn to replace it with healthy habits, along with various methods that help you realize that you can cope with the sensations that stress causes you.

Exercise: Exercise, in general, lowers levels of anxiety and depression due to the release of dopamine and serotonin, the positive pleasure neurochemicals. It also improves quality of sleep, diminishes cravings for your drug of choice, as well as lift your mood in general. All of this helps lower stress levels and makes it less likely that you will impulsively turn to your substance again.

Mindfulness and Meditation: Mindfulness will help you become more aware of the thoughts and emotions that you associate with your addiction, as well as how you relate to the stress that makes you reach for your substance. Meditation can help teach you to remain calm with dealing with triggers for your addiction behaviors, as well as the feelings of cravings.

Behavioral Therapy: This will help you learn your own responses to certain situations and stimuli, and thus, learn how to change them. A specific kind of CBT called trauma-focused CBT helps people effectively cope with the stress associated with a particular trauma that may have caused an increase in stress in their life, and thus, substance use emerged.

Peer Support: It is very important for people with addiction issues to interact with people who have similar problems.

It helps them avoid relapse and have someone of whom they feel close to that they can turn to, should they have any cravings or experience triggers.

Finding Hobbies: Finding a new hobby or going back to an old one will not only keep you busy but add the joy back into your life. If you have always wanted to paint, learning to sing, dance, or even craft, recovering from your addiction may be the best time to start trying something new.

Healthy Routines: Getting up on the same day every day, going to bed at a healthy time, eat a well-balanced diet, and exercising are all examples of a healthy routine. These behaviors will act as the foundation for keeping up with your recovering because they will not only help you maintain structure but also help have less stress in your life.

If you don’t feel like you are actively addicted to something that isn’t healthy for you, take a moment to reflect on what you choose to turn to when you are feeling stressed. Do you vent to a loved one or a friend over a glass of wine?  Do you decide to do a couple of laps in the pool after a rough day at work? Do you search for the nearest chocolate bar if you are feeling overwhelmed? In the area of your notebook where you wrote about your top stressful portions of your life, right next to them what you do to cope with them. This could even be an attempt to ignore them, distracting yourself by becoming overly busy with work, the kids, or some task around the house. All while any of these coping mechanisms aren’t inherently unhealthy in nature, should they increase in volume and consistency, you could be at risk for developing an addiction. Try to pay attention to these behaviors and how often you participate in them. The key to this observation is not to judge you, but to help you become more aware of yourself. Noticing what you do to deal with stress helps you realize whether or not you are effectively coping with them, which involves facing the stressful event/person/thought at some point or are actually only trying to distract yourself and run from them. Eventually, you are going to have to face whatever haunts you, because if you don’t, it is only going to continue to press on you in more unique and subconscious ways.

Ways to Relieve Stress

Through Exercise: Exercise is one of the important things a person who is easily stressed can do to help them feel relief. The benefits are strongest when you do it consistently, s it may be helpful to start walking or running for at least half an hour, for 3 or 4 days a week. You will notice your mood changing and stress lifting pretty quickly!

The physiological reasons behind the diminishing of stress due to physical activity is because you are lowering the amount of cortisol in your body, and releasing the pleasurable, painkiller like chemicals, dopamine, and serotonin. It also improves your quality of sleep, which can greatly affect the impact and intensity of stress and anxiety. You may also start feeling more confident about your body, which adds to the feelings of general well-being. Try something that doesn’t feel like work initially, so you won’t feel so put off so fast.

Try Supplements: There are many natural supplements that can help you cope with chronic stress. Here is a list of some of them that you might consider trying out:

--Lemon Balm: This is a member of the mint family and has been used and studied for its anti-anxiety effects.

--Omega-3 fatty acids: Students who received omega-3 supplements experienced a 20% reduction in anxiety symptoms during an exam in the United States.

--Green tea: Provides antioxidants that provide general health benefits and helps lower stress and anxiety for increasing serotonin levels.

--Valerian: Valerian root is a popular sleep aid due to its tranquilizing effects. It contained valeric acid, which alters the receptors of the GABA receptors in your brain, to lower anxiety.

Reduce your Caffeine Intake: Caffeine is a stimulant that is found in coffee, black teas, chocolate, and energy drinks.

It is easy for us to fall into the habit of drinking too much coffee, especially if we work in an office setting. Caffeine limits are different for everyone, but if you notice yourself feeling jittery, extra anxious, or are ruminating after several cups of coffee, try to start limiting yourself to 2-3 cups of joe a day, and take note of how you are feeling.

Write it Down: Writing down emotions, thoughts, and behaviors have been heavily emphasized throughout this book, and in good reason. Writing about what is bothering you will help you reflect upon what has been going on in your life. It will also help you get out that stress, using the act of writing as an outlet.

Some people also find it beneficial to start writing about what they are grateful for when they are feeling stressed. This helps you focus on positive aspects of your life as opposed to the negative ones.

Spend time with Family and Friends: Being with those who love you no matter what is naturally going to ease your stress. When we interact with those we love, the love hormone oxytocin is released, which helps relax our bodies and minds. Make the time for those that help you feel good and forget about what might be bothering you in your life.

Becoming More Assertive

There is a big difference between being aggressive and controlling, then choosing to be confident when validating your needs and desires. Therefore, there is a difference between expressing anger aggressively and assertively. Expressing your anger assertively means that you are able to express how you feel while being in control of the feelings you are experiencing. Learning to express yourself assertively means separately how you feel with how you express yourself.

If you are having difficulty identifying the differences between being assertive and being aggressive, try to read over this basic summary:

—-Assertiveness is based on balance: It requires being straightforward about your wants and needs, while still considering these wants and needs of others. You are still applying empathy while firmly getting how you feel across to another person.

—-Aggressive behavior is based on winning: You focus solely on what is in your best interest without thinking about the needs and desires of others. The power you are applying while being aggressive is strictly selfish. You will come across as being a bully or pushy.

Mind Tools identifies seven suggested steps that you can follow if you want to develop your assertiveness skills. Applying these will help you to feel more balanced:

Value Yourself and Your Rights: Before you try to become more assertive, you should gain a better understanding of yourself. You should also try to develop a strong belief in your natural value of self, as well as your value within a team. Confidence is important when trying to be more assertive but try not to allow it to turn into a sense of self-importance. Your needs, desires, and rights are just as important as everyone else's.

Voice Your Needs and Wants Confidently: If you want to perform at your best level and feel happy in life, you need to make sure your needs and wants are met. Try to identify the things that you want and need now. Set goals (as mentioned in the previous section) so you can look forward to achieving them. Once you have done this, it will be easier to express to those what it is exactly what you need or want. Remember to ask politely, stick to your point, and not to ask others to sacrifice their own needs for yours.

Acknowledge That You Can’t Control Other People’s Behaviours: This is an important fact for those with anger issues to realize. Oftentimes, we become angry with people when they do things that do not line up with what we want. But we cannot control what other people do, and it is important to keep reminding yourself of that fact. You can only focus on your own behavior. As long as you are respecting the needs of others, then you have the right to say what you want.

Learn to Express Yourself in a Positive Way: Falling into negative behaviors and expressions of anger is very easy. Try to focus on expressing what you need positively, even if you are feeling angry. This will help you not fall into the bad habit of name-calling, accusing, etc.

Be Open to Criticism and Compliments: Try to develop the skill of accepting both positive and negative feedback. Sometimes, when you receive negative feedback, it is easy to start feeling defensive and even hurt. If you do not agree with the feedback you are receiving, then you need to prepare yourself to say so. Again, this is meant to be expressed assertively, without anger or aggressiveness.

Learn to Say No: People who suffer from issues when being assertive often have difficulty saying no. Saying no is important when considering your own wants and needs, as well as contracting boundaries that are healthy and necessary. You are not able to please everyone, nor are you and endless source of energy. Saying no to people in your relationships, job settings, and friends show that you know what you want and need, and respect yourself enough to follow through on them.

Using Assertive Communication Techniques: There are a number of ways that you can apply certain assertive skills through the practice of some of these techniques:

—-Use “I” Statements: Using the word “I” conveys the basic assertion that you want to get your point across firmly. It also avoids blaming and the escalation of pointless arguments.

—-Empathy: It is hard when you are angry to try to see the issues from another person’s point of view. But if you practice empathy on a consistent basis, the level in which your anger reaches will begin to lower each time you feel you are going to overreact. If you see a situation from another person’s point of view, it is easier to understand the reasoning behind their behavior. You still don’t have to agree with the person, but it will help your anger feel more constructive rather than destructive.

—-Escalation: Trying to be assertive with another person isn’t always going to work the first time you apply it. Maybe that person also has issues with anger and expressing themselves/Some problems also require more time and patience in order to be resolved, such as problems in the workplace. If you feel you need to escalate your assertiveness, continue along the path of being polite and respectful, but firm.

—-Ask for more Time: If you can feel your anger rising and identify that you are having trouble controlling it, feel enough confidence to ask for some time so your anger can dissipate, and you can choose a reaction that is more rational.

—-Change Your Verbs: Try integrated verbs into your vocabulary that clearly and firmly state what it is your asking for, or what it is that you need. When you do this, there will be more room for misinterpretation. Begin using words like “will” instead of “could/should,” and “want” instead of “need,” “choose to” instead of “have to.”

—-Don’t be afraid to sound like a Broken Record: Keep reiterating yourself if a person is not taking what you are saying seriously. Continue you using the strong and firm message until the person will realize that you are drawing a line and are meaning what you’re saying. This is best to practice at work if you are overwhelmed with tasks, and someone tries to throw more onto, using guilt as a weapon. No matter what they say, stick with your assertive statement that lets them know you cannot take on any more work. Your needs are important.

—-Try Scripting: Scripting is a technique that allows you to practice making assertive statements before you may need to state them. It will help you prepare what you are going to say, and give you enough confidence to stick to it:

The Event: Tell the other person exactly how you see the issue.

Your Feelings: Describe how you feel about the situation and express them as clearly as possible.

Your needs: Tell the person exactly what it is that you need from them, so they do not have to guess.

The Consequences: Describe the positive effect that your request will have for the other person if you need are actually met.

Write down the observe steps in your notebook if this is an occurrence you want to practice being assertive about.

Applying assertiveness instead of being angry will, in the long run, help you in your relationships, your work life, and will help you live a more enjoyable and fulfilling life.

Becoming More Organized

Here is a list of the various ways that you can become more organized, so you rid yourself of the extra stress that you are feeling in your life. The following tips are more general and may overlap with the previously mentioned ways of helping you create new habits that will help your stress level.

--Write Things Down: The human brain is not made to recall all information. There is only so much we can store in there. Try writing down important dates, grocery lists, ideas you may have for a creative project, and you will find that you start to remember them naturally without having to consult the sheet of paper.

--Making Schedules and Deadlines: This was already discussed in a previous chapter, but it is safe to emphasize now; if you want to be a productive person, you need to adopt the habit of scheduling yourself. This will, in turn, help you become more organized in your life. Creating deadlines for yourself will also help you feel more productive because you actually complimented something! This energy will carry you forward in a positive manner, onward into the next goal or task.

--Don't Procrastinate: This is, of course, a lot easier said than done. Learning not to procrastinate is a habit in itself. Putting effort into getting things done at the time that you designated will only make you feel more confident about the next task at hand. You will feel less stress, and moving onto another goal will feel more compelling, rather than burdensome.

--Give Everything a Home: It is easy to misplace things if you do not have an area in which you consistently put something. If you make it a habit to put your car keys in a bowl on the kitchen counter every time you get home, then you are far less likely to lose them. Keeping your life organized means keeping your things in the places they belong to.

People who are organized keep order by storing things in the spot they designated for them. If it is something you use often, keep it out and in front of you, not miscellaneous, but specified, such as pens and pencils in a cup.

--DE clutter Regularly: If you are a messy person, this is a habit that you have formed. So, it is going to be a bit harder to change that around. Begin by choosing one area of your house/apartment a week, and declutter it, finding a home for everything that is vital to you. Once you have finished organizing everything, try to keep up this weekly habit, so you do not fall back into the routine of clutter.

--Keep Only What You Need: More stuff means more mess. People who are organized only keep what they need and really want. Having fewer things will help you to feel less stressed, as well as having fewer things to have to clean.

If you have a lot of things and have trouble with this, try to write down the things right off the top of your head that you feel you need and want. Then write a list of the things that you own. Compare them and begin crossing off the things that you know you do not need.

--Stay Away from Bargains: Going for sales will make you more likely to buy things you do not need, just because they are on sale. Try to keep a list of the things you actually need, or really really want. If you are going shopping, keep this list close by, but without money. Then once you return from your trip, check on that list and see if anything you say was on it. This will avoid the trap of impulse purchasing.

--Delegate Responsibilities: Being organized means you have less to do, and most of all, fewer things that you more stressed. If you are filled with responsibilities and things to do on your to-do list, try to re-prioritize, or give the task for someone else to do. Watch the stress fall away from you as your list of things that are your responsibility becomes smaller.

--Work Hard: If you want to stay organized, you are going to need to put in a lot of effort. As previously mentioned, changing your habits can take from three months to a year to completely change. Sticking with it is going to be difficult, so be ready to put your best organizational foot forward.

Learning to Journal

The importance of journaling is paramount when undergoing this journey.

It acts as a way to note down the thoughts, when you have them, what external or internal event might be triggering them, the intensity of the thought, the intensity of the mood, how long it took to go down or fade away, and learning how to gauge the intensity of the experience through number scales. A series of templates and exercises will help you begin observing yourself for the first week of this 4-week understanding of yourself and symptoms. Feel free to photocopy the suggestions, or to scribble them down in your own format in your journal.

Types of Journaling

There are several types of journaling that could help a person who is suffering from mental health issues. People use journals to keep track of other portions of their life too, such as exercise schedule, medication schedule, and diet.

This section will focus mainly on the several types of journaling that aid those with anxiety, depression disorders, or anger issues. This is what you will dedicate yourself too within the first week of your journey. Look at this step as the information gathering step, where fault beliefs, thoughts, feelings and behaviors are identified. This chapter will also include several other moods, thought, and belief templates that you can used to start noticing the link between your thoughts, behaviors, and beliefs.

Mood Journaling and Tracking Depression

A general mood chart can begin tracking your daily fluctuations of depression. This simple template allows you to look at the difference between your mood during the day and at night, what you did that day, and accompanying feelings of anxiety or anger, or the possible use of substances such as drugs and alcohol. The amount of sleep you can as well as the quality of it is important to note throughout the week of your observation.

The journaling portion of mood tracking can help you begin noticing some common themes, thoughts, and beliefs. Set yourself a certain time and place to do this, as well as a specific time limit. A good amount of time is about ten minutes a day. It is important to place a limit on the amount of time you are writing for, because anything unlimited may cause you to begin ruminating on the issues that are bothering you most in your life.

Ruminating is not an uncommon mental act for anyone with mental health issues. It is defined as the act of continuously going over a problem, thought, or occurrence without a proactive resolution in sight. You can write about anything; something that happened in your day, how you felt about it, what you need to do, plans you are making, etc. Once you begin doing every day for a week you will begin to notice patterns emerging, as well as the fluctuation changes in your mood throughout a day.

The Bullet Journal Mood Tracker

This is another easy and simple tool to apply if you want to write out your own mood tracking journal in your notebook. This approach applies clarify, organization, and effectiveness. Creating your own tracker also shows you that you do possess your own sense of autonomy, and you are capable of monitoring yourself in order to better your mental health.

This suggestion is part planner, part journaling style. It can show you more concisely the connection between the activities you partake in and the associated mood that comes along with it. This system was created by [4]Ryder Carol, who need to create a rapid logging process that takes less time to write than normal handwritten entries. These six components are some of the ore vital concepts of this journaling style:

Topics and Pages: A short and simple title that makes the section easy to identify.

Bullets: Helps organize that actions and entries into either an event, a note, or task.

Tasks: This is marked in the chart by dots or symbols that signify whether or not the task has been completed or moved.

Events: Signified by an O shape, shows date-related occurrences, that range from a positive social event to a negative interaction. The point is to keep the description as objective as possible, without personal, and emotional subjectivities.

Notes: Show with a dash; more details can be provided about the certain topics being written about. This can include facts, observations, and thoughts.

Signifiers: More symbols that can represent certain emotions, and thoughts regarding certain entries. For example, an exclamation point ‘!’, may signify the urgency of an event.

The point of this kind of mood tracker is also to stimulate your creativity. Examples of bullet journal mood trackers can range from something as simple as a colorful chart, to something more artistically inclined that blends color with with images of cupcakes, or gum balls. Some visual examples to help you visualize are here:

It is okay if you are not feeling at your most inspired or creative or inspired. The simplest way to track your depressive mood and associated feelings to use the first chart suggested, or to create one in your own notebook. Carve out a page or two for each day, and divide each day into several sections as follows:

Mood in the AM (1-5): Write about how you feel when you first wake up in the morning and begin your usual routine. You may be getting ready for work, taking care of the kids, or simply trying to find a way to get yourself out of bed. Rate your mood between the numbers 1 and 5; 1 acting as immensely down and depressed, and 5 acting as positive and joyous. Try to write a single word next to the number that highlights you’re overall feeling in the morning.

Mood in the PM (1-5): Apply the same rules to this section as mentioned above, but in the afternoon and evening.

Actions in the AM: Use this section to all about what you did in the morning. Again, it could range from anything to going to a grocery store, calling a friend, or walking your dog. Talk about the actions objectively but pay attention to anything that may have altered your mood, whether it be positive or negative. Make note of it here.

Actions in the PM: Same as above, for the afternoon and evening part of your day.

Thoughts in the AM: Make notes of thoughts that you feel were reoccurring throughout your morning. If its easier, make small notes about your thoughts in a different area of your journal so you can remember them for later. Take note of thoughts that are demeaning, unkind, suicidar, or begin with the words ‘should’, ‘could.’ If you are ruminating about a past event, or feel anticipation for the future, make note of that as well. The point is to begin noticing thoughts that are thematic and reveal some cognitive distortions and faulty beliefs.

Thoughts in the PM: Same as listed above. Try to pay attention to your thoughts as you are falling asleep, so you can note of them in the morning when you wake up.

After you have written about reach day, as yourself a few questions that can greatly relate to your mood:

___Have I taken all prescribed medications today?

___Did I exercise today?

___How much sleep did I get last night?

Try to answer all of these questions as honestly as possible throughout your week. This can also help you track patterns in your mood and associated behavior.

Anxiety Tracking and Journaling

This section is more specific to those who suffer from primarily chronic anxiety. If you feel you fall into both categories, feel free to use both journaling templates suggested. It is important though to focus on the most pressing issue first, such as depression, before tackling secondary symptoms. Focus on one issue at a time, so you do not feel overwhelmed, and feel the desire to give up completely.

Anxiety journaling is particularly helpful because it helps you to begin noticing your triggers, especially if you are unsure about what kind of anxiety you have. For example, if you have agoraphobia and are not aware of it, your triggers would be being in public, with the fear of having a panic attack weighing heavy on your mind. Noticing the physiological and associated psychological symptoms of a panic attack can help a person identify the oncoming symptoms of a panic attack before it becomes full-blown and overwhelming. First, we will focus on the experience of panic attacks.

Keeping a Panic Attack Diary

This can be written down in your hardcopy journal or spoken out loud on a voice recorder. You are attempting begin noticing what triggers your anxiety, and so you can more easily share how you are feeling with others, such as friends, family, and physicians. Here are some important elements of the panic attack that you can write down:

Physical feelings: As previously stated, people who are having panic attacks often feel as if they are having a heart attack.

Excessive sweating, chest pains, tingling sensations, shaking, and shortness of breath are very common symptoms that are easily confused with a real medical emergency. Ask yourself after your panic attack what you felt physically during that experience. Once you write them down you begin noticing how many physical symptoms you actually have, and how common they are amongst those who experience panic attacks consistently.

Emotions and Thoughts: One of the most common fears experienced by a person who is having a panic attacks are the belief that they are dying, or not they are going to lose control/their mind. Psychological symptoms such as depersonalization and derealization are experienced when a person feeling detached from their physical selves. This experience further validates the person’s belief that they are actually ‘losing their minds’. Write down the thoughts and emotions that you are experiencing while going through a panic attack. Did you feel disconnected? Were there other emotions besides fear within the attack, such as anger and confusion? Try to remember these feelings and thoughts and write them down in your diary.

Environment and Life Events:

The area and situation you are placed in when you experience your panic can provide you with a fair amount of information on the things that triggered it. Through writing it down daily, you may begin to notice you have panic attacks around a certain amount of people, in certain areas like bus stops or malls, with certain family members around, etc. It is also important to reflect about whether or not you have experienced a recent large life change. Examples of these are a big move from one city to another, being away from your family for the first time, the ending of an important relationship, a change at work, etc. The areas and triggers of your panic attacks can help you flush out what may be unconscious anxiety that you have been repressing.

When you are writing about your panic attacks, try to rate the experience of the panic attack on a scale of 1-10. 1, being the most minimal experience of a panic attack, and 10, act as the full-blown version. But this number next to the description of the physical and psychological symptoms you experienced while having a panic attack.

There are several healthy coping techniques that you can apply to help you deal with having a panic attack that will be discussed later on in this book.

For now, try to observe the experience, as well as the current coping techniques you apply in order to help yourself through a panic attack, or even behaviors you apply in order to avoid having one. Making similar notes down at the bottom of each day that asks about the amount of sleep you had the night before, whether or not you have taken the proper amount of medication that day, or if you were able to get any exercise in that day.

General Anxiety Tracking Log

The experience of anxiety that does not involve the experience of panic attacks falls under this category. This chart involves similar sections like that of the depression log; the day and time, the situation, the accompanying thoughts, physical sensations, a 1-10 rating of anxiety, what you did about the anxiety, what you said to yourself, and finally how you would rate your level of anxiety at the end of the experience of it. This is a tracker that logs specific events of high anxiety rather than a daily summation of the period of anxiety.

An example of this chart is displayed above, created by the [5]Cornell Health Website.

Thought Journaling

Taking note of one’s thoughts is an important act in the first week of this journey. Your thoughts, and the behavior that accompanies them, will make it easier to identify beliefs and values that may be embedded deep within your mind. There have been several templates and approaches suggested, but here are a couple of general thought tracking charts in case the others do not suit your interest.

The first show thought record is a plain example of how you can keep tracks of your thoughts if you are suffering from depression, anxiety, or anger issues. The final section alternate thought asks you to begin exploring the notion of other thoughts that may be more beneficial to your mental health than the one that triggered a particularly negative emotion.

If you cannot think of an alternate thought, try writing down what you generally do in response to the experience of this thought and accompanying emotion. It is important to notice maladaptive responses as much as it is important to being learning new, healthier responses in day to day living.

Beyond the act of recording thoughts, emotions, and behavior, journaling for a straight 10 minutes each day to write about whatever strikes you is healthy practice to begin cultivating. Sometimes, people with mental health issues feel like their brains are full and overwhelmed; try to use the journal and journaling techniques to begin pouring out that heavy sensation. Although journaling is not a cure-all, it is a part of many components of mental health recovery that will help you overcome your suffering and maintain a contented life. You slowly become more aware of what you are feeling, the thoughts you are having, and the external triggers that be present during the experience of these thoughts and feelings.

Step 8: Conclusion: Creating New Habits to Balance Your Disorder

It is time now to begin looking at the issues you have with some of your habits in the face and to replace them with more enriching, and greatly positive ones. Do your best to remain judgment-free while you are doing this, and to forgive yourself for any minor setbacks.

Before you begin trying to change certain habits, it may be best to try to assess what level of change you are at. This is another point where access to your notebook would be helpful.

The Stages of Change

Look over the list you made of habits you want to instill in your life. Now, we are going to go through what is called the Stages of Change: The Transtheoretical Model was written in the 1970s by psychologists who were observing people who were trying to quit smoking. They wanted to record the various stages in which they all traveled through that would eventually lead them to take a proactive approach in their healthcare.

The stages are listed as follows:

Precomtemplation: People in this stage do no plan to take action the foreseeable future, which is defined as within at least six months. People here are usually not aware that their behavior isn’t good for them or others. They are not aware of the many pros that exist should they decide to change their behavior.

Contemplation: People in this stage actually begin intended to start down the healthy path in the foreseeable future, at least the next six months. People may not see that their behavior is problematic and are more thoughtful about the pros that are involved with their decisions to make a change. Some people at this stage though may feel ambivalent toward changing their behavior.

Preparation: People are ready in this stage to take action within the next 30 days. People begin taking small steps forward and believe that this change will help them to live a healthier life.

Action: Within this stage, people have taken action to change their behavior and intend to keep moving forward with this change.

Maintenance: At this stage, people have been able to sustain their behavior change for at least six months now and intend to maintain this behavior going forward in their lives. People in this stage also work to prevent relapsing back into old, unhealthy behaviors.

Termination: Within this final stage, people have no desire to return back to their unhealthy behavior and are confident that they are not going to relapse. (This stage is rarely reached as it is very definite; it is usually only used when describing health problems and their changes).

Now look back into your notebook. While referencing the various stages of change, try to write down where you feel you are at with each of them. You may have already tried something once before, such as trying to exercise at least 3 times a week but relapsed into not exercising at all. You are more than likely going to be at the pre-contemplation or contemplation stage with the majority of the behaviors you want to alter. Write what you believe about yourself next to the habit you want to change, along with the habit you want to replace it with.

Actual Neural Rewiring

The use of the word 'rewiring' in this book title wasn't written for show. The science of neurology, which is the study of the brain and how it affects human thought and behavior, has proven that there are various ways that humans can actually reshape the flow of neurons moving through their spine and brain. It was once thought that every person's brain is wired a certain way, and very little can be done about it throughout their lives. Thankfully, through the application of new behaviors and experiences, this is not a fact and something you have vast control over.

Neuroplasticity refers to your brain's ability to reorganize, both physically, functionally, throughout your entire life with influences from the environment, your behavior, thinking, and emotions. Neural pruning refers to the natural process of the brain to extinguish any neuron that isn't being fired. You strengthen certain neural pathways the more you engage in the same thought patterns, behavior, emotions, interactions, etc. This is essentially how learning a new skill works; you start off one way, and if you participate in this hobby on a consistent basis, the neural pathway that is associated with it will become stronger, warmer, and more instantly activated.

This process is the key to understanding how instilling new habits work. There is a reason why when you tried to stretch your injured muscles only three times last week, then forgot one week, and then only did it twice another, that this behavior did not become a habit. The neural pathway simply wasn't warm enough, and neurons are only going to fire when they are being summoned often.

A quote from Dr. Michael Merzenich from his book Soft-Wired: How the New Science of Brain Plasticity Can Change Your Life, highlights the complete control every person has sitting between their skull:

“Whatever the circumstances of a child’s early life, and whatever the history and current state of that child, every human has the built-in power to improve, to change for the better, to significantly restore and often to recover. Tomorrow, that person you see in the mirror can be a stronger, more capable, livelier, more powerfully centered, and still-growing person.”

So, if you get stuck and feel irritated about why your new habit isn't sticking, thinking about the various neural pathways running through your brain. Also, try to think about how warm those pathways are that are going in the direction of the old behaviors.

1A study was conducted in London that aimed to find out exactly how long it takes for someone to instill a new, automatic habit into their lives. This study was led by Philliphha Lally, a health psychology researcher at University College London. They examined the habits of 96 people over a 12-week period. Each person chose one new habit for the 12 weeks they were being observed, and each reported every day on whether or not they did the behavior, and how automatic that behavior felt. On average, it takes a person more than 2 months to act upon the same behavior before its biomes automatic. 66 days was the specific number.

Give yourself at least two months, or even more, before you begin feeling hopeless. Even then, it took some other people in the study a lot more time to make their habit automatic—but this greatly depended upon a person's personality, circumstances, and history of trying to instill the same habit.

Steps to Take to Begin Creating New Habits

The following is a template that you can apply to any of the habits that you want to create for yourself, along with the ones you want to get rid of. Read this section over a few times before writing it out again in your notebook, for each new habit that you want to form.

Identify Cues: There is something that has to trigger a habit, and a cue can be really anything that relates to it; maybe stress makes you want food, alcohol, or a certain thought or post on social media makes you want to procrastinate. Whatever it may be, try to notice these. If this is hard for you to do, try to notice when you are engaging in a bad habit, and then going back from there. Did someone say something to you? Did you read something on the internet? Are you worried about something? Do you best to honestly reflect yourself.

Disrupt: Once you have noticed the cues that are triggering your chosen bad habit, you can begin trying to throw it off. For example, if reading something on social media makes you feel bad about yourself and your skills, which makes you want to sit on the couch and procrastinate, try limiting your social media activity, or at least not doing it in the morning or the time you feel most affected.

Replace: Research has shown that if you have a more positive habit in mind to replace a bad one, you are more likely to stop participating in the bad one. The new habit interferes with the old one, making it harder for your brain to go on autopilot and go down the path with those warm neural pathways. A good example of this is trying to replace night-time snacks with fruit or something healthier; not having junk food available may also be another step-in disarming that bad eating habit.

Keep it Simple: Making new behaviors simply goes in line with the old behaviors; those were easy too, which is why you have engaged in them for so long. Making a new habit too difficult will make the application of it far less appealing.

Think Long Term: Habits generally form because they satisfy short-term impulses. The results though of these short-term impulses may last a while though, such as avoiding cleaning the dishes or stretching your injured leg.

When you are engaging in new habits, try to think about the long-term effects that this will have on your life, and how you are doing it for the best for yourself.

Persist: Habits are hard to break; that's why there are so many books written about forming new ones! We order in at night because it is easy, and we don't want to make dinner. This may be because we had a long, tiring day at work, and/or we did not bring enough food for lunch and can't be bothered to rummage up a home-cooked meal. We also may have no brought the right amount of food for lunch because we did not plan ahead the night before, staying up late and lying on the couch. This kind of habit connects to many other bad habits, so, if we look at this as an exampled, where to begin would be to start making lunches for the week that are substantial enough to feel full of. Then, at the end of the day, you will have more energy to actually cook a healthier, financially sound dinner.

Instilling a new habit is going to take time. While you are looking over your list of new behavioral habits to apply, take a glance at this next list, which will give you advice on how you can improve your mental strength while putting in the effort to make healthier, happier choices

Create Behavioral Experiments to Challenge Your Self-Limiting Beliefs: There is probably more than one reason why you haven't been able to keep up with a certain habit in your life. You may suffer from mental health disorders, or even have become used to self-diminishing dialogue. Whatever it may be, it doesn't make you less capable than anyone else or mean that you possess less mental strength than other people. Your self-limiting beliefs are simply trying to convince you of these lies. As previously stated, some of these self-limiting beliefs have the ability to turn into self-fulfilling prophecies, because you are only expecting a negative result, or that no one is going to like you. So, you may need to change those first before you start looking at behavioral habits. There will be a section in a later chapter that offers various exercises that can help you with this very task.

Replace Victim Language with Empowering Statements: Self-limiting beliefs are more than likely going to be made worse by the constant use of victim language. You may employ this within your self-dialogue on the daily.

If you catch yourself blaming others for how you feel, or the negative circumstances in your life, stop yourself. This is the victim language. It makes you feel like you are not in control of your daily life. Try to replace it with statements that you feel like you ARE in control; because you are! You deserve to recognize that you are in the driver’s seat of the life that you are living in.

Practice Self-Compassion: Calling yourself names and putting yourself down isn't going to motivate you to try again, or to try anything else that is challenging for the matter. If you want to do better, think about how you would talk to someone you love after they make a mistake or something negative happens in their lives. If you are a reasonable person, you wouldn't sit and insult them for hours on end. You would show them compassion, empathy, and support them into making new decisions about the future. Try to do this for yourself and recognize that this is only going to help you in the long run, as bringing yourself down is only going to make you feel unhealthier and unhappy.

Behave like the Person You Want to Become: Wishing that you could be a certain way isn't going to make it happen. Wishing that you could be a morning person or a person that exercises daily, isn't going to do anything, but make you feel bad for yourself. You are capable of becoming these things, and the first step toward that becoming is trying to act like that person. Ask yourself, what would a morning person too? And follow through on those answers.

Live in The Moment: This is going to be a repeated notion throughout this book, as lack of living the moment is a consistent cause of unhappiness, lack of health, and various mental health disorders. Staying within the moment and getting what you can out of it is the only way that you can improve yourself and reach the future that you have been planning for. Mindfulness and meditation will be discussed as well, later in this book.

Since there are many habits that people, in general, want to instill in these lives, this book will explore some of the more common and pervasive habits that can help you’re as a whole.

What will be covered in the rest of this chapter will be the habit of creating boundaries, becoming more assertive, learning how to constructively problem solve, and how to how to stick to certain daily schedules.

Instilling Scheduling

One of the main barriers to instilling new habits and helping us feel productive is not having a proper schedule in place. This doesn't mean that it has to be a rigid schedule that you follow to at, but even having a vague idea in mind can not only save you a lot of time but help you feel like you got a lot done, which in turn, inspires us to do more. There are only 24 hours in a day, and of course, this section still applies to those who tend to overwork; those individuals have also not put a proper schedule in place, because they are rushing and shoving too much to do within a small time period.

Scheduling, in essence, is the art of planning a reasonable amount of activities within a reasonable time period. This means that you do not overwork, nor do you underwork. When it is done effectively, the following results are achieved:

--You can understand what you realistically achieve with your time.

--Make sure you have enough time for essential tasks.

--Add adjustments for things that are unexpected.

--Helps you avoid more than you can handle.

--It helps you work steadily toward both personal and career-oriented goals.

--You'll have enough time for both your family friends, exercise, hobbies, and work-life.

--You will achieve a healthy work-life balance.

The following are steps that you can take to start effectively scheduling your time. These are written in accordance with advice taken from 2Mindtools.com.

First of all, you have to set a regular time/day to actually make your schedule. It can be on the first of your week or month. There is an abundant number of tools that you can utilize in order to get this first task done. A simple way of doing this is to use a pen and paper and buying a weekly planner notebook (or even downloading ones from the internet. It is recommended more though that you put it in one place, such as a notebook, to avoid losing the sheets of paper and to stay more organized.)

There are also various apps such as Google Calendar, MS Outlook, and other apps on your specific evidence you can look for. The most important aspect of choosing your planner is that it allows you to view the appropriate amount of time, and the level of detail that you require. Once you have that, then you can begin following these steps:

Step 1: Identify Available Time: Begin by establishing the time you want to make available for your work life. How much time you spend at work should reflect the kind of job you have, as well as the personal goals outside of work that you want to achieve. It depends what you prefer, and what phase of your life you are in. Identify your priorities. For example, if you want to spend more time with family, then it may be better to place your time into that and organize the time off work more reasonably. If you are working toward a promotion, you may need to put in more time for work than you usually do, so you allot more time for yourself within that week or month for yourself.

Step 2: Block in the actions you absolutely must do in order to do a good job. These are usually the things that you are assessed within your job type. This, of course, will depend on what kind of job you have, so take that into consideration.

Step 3: Try to make a to-do list, and schedule in high-priority and urgent activates, as well as maintenance tasks that are important, that cannot be delegated or avoided. Try to arrange these for the times of day when you are the most productive. Some people are the most energized in the morning, while others do better in the afternoon. If you are unsure about which time of day you are most efficient, try to observe your mood and motivation during the day.

There are likely going to be interruptions during your day that you cannot predict. Try to leave some open space in your schedule for these issues that are inevitable to arise.

Step 5: Schedule Discretionary Time: The space that is left in your planner will be called 'discretionary time'; this is the time that is available to deliver your priorities and achieve your goals. Review your personal goals and to-do list and add them into this leftover time if you are able to do it. Do not squish it in though.

Step 6: Analyze Your Activities: If you have gone through your to-do list, or are feeling rush, or are not able to get everything done that is needed, you need to go through these steps again. One of the most important things you can do to build success is my maximizing the leverage you can achieve with your time.

You can increase your level of productivity by delegating at work or using technology to automate much of your work as possible.

Here are other ways that you can begin prioritizing your workload and personal goals. Here is how to create and follow through on a to-do list:

Write down all of the tasks you need to complete. If they are large tasks, break out the first action step, and write this down with the larger tasks. You may find it easier to create multiple lists and steps for each task you want to achieve.

Run through these tasks and allocate them by priorities from A, which is very important or urge, to F, which are unimportant and not very urgent.

Simply work through your list in order, prioritizing A first, and then so on.

Setting Personal Goals

The following will discuss life goals in general, which may include less to do with career-oriented ones. You can create your big-picture goals, which are vaguer and over a lifetime (or at least the next 10 years). Then eventually you can break these down into smaller and smaller targets that you will hit until you reach those life goals. You can achieve all of this by creating a very specified plan, that is reasonable and most simple.

First, you need to think about what you want to achieve in your lifetime, or by a significant amount of time. If you set lifetime goals to give you the overall perspective to think about as you move forward, as you meet small goals and keep moving onto what you want.

Here are a few categories you can create so you write down the goals you want to achieve in each category of your life:

-Career: What level do you want to reach in your career? What do you want to achieve? How much of your time do you want to spend at your job?

-Financial: How much do you want to earn in life, and at what point? Is this related to your career goals or is it not?

-Educational: Is there a set of skills you would like to learn? Or a particular level of education you would like to achieve?

-Family: Do you want to be a parent? If so, what kind of parent are you going to be? How are you going to do this?

-Artistic: Do you want to achieve any artistic goals? How are you going to do this?

-Attitude: Do you have a certain mindset holding you back? Do you lack confidence? How do you want to help yourself get away from these attitudes?

-Physical: Are there any athletic goals that you want to achieve, or do you want good health for the rest of your life? What steps are going to take to achieve this?

-Pleasure: How do you want to enjoy yourself? How are you going to make time for yourself for that?

-Public Service: Are you going to try to make the world a better place? Are you going to set goals for this as well?

Setting Smaller Goals: Once you have set some serious lifetime goals, you can start making a five-year plan for some smaller ones. These are the goals you set that will help you achieve your lifetime ones. Next, you make a one-year plan, a six-month plan, and a one-month plan that gets progressively smaller and smaller. Each should be based on the previous plan. Then you can create a to-do list of these things that can help you on a daily basis to reach these goals.

The first few things you do may involve gathering information about achieving your higher goals. This will help you to improve the quality and how realistic the goals you have set truly are.

A useful way of making goals more powerful is to use the SMART goals method. It stands for:

S—Specific (or significant)

M—Measurable (or meaningful)

A—Attainable (or action-oriented)

R—Relevant (or rewarding)

T—Time-bound (or tractable.

If you have a goal that is too general, the SMART way of setting goals will help you make it more specific.

For example, if one of your goals is to travel around Europe, a SMART goal would state when you want to have it done by, what year you want to do it, and the following, smaller goals that are required in order for you to achieve this (such as saving money, booking the trip, going solo or with others, etc.)

More Tips for Setting Goals

--State Each goal as a Positive Statement: Express your goals in a positive manner, that helps the goal feel more achievable and desirable. It also helps you maintain a positive outlook on life and a better way of thinking about yourself.

--Be Precise: It is easier to achieve goals if you are more specific about them. Place certain dates and times that you want to do them and have them achieved by. If you do this, you will have them in mind and will work harder in order to achieve those goals by those times. You will be satisfied with the one you are able to do this.

--Set Priorities: You can also prioritize each goal, so you do not feel overwhelmed by them. This will help you direct your attention toward the ones that are more important than others.

--Write Goals Down: This gives them more power and allows you to remember them more.

--Keep Operational Goals Small: Keep the low-level goals that you're working towards small and very achievable. If a goal is too large, then it may make you feel less motivated toward achieving it.

--Set Performance Goals, not Outcome Goals: You should try to set goals that you have control over, as opposed to the ones that you do not. Try to base them on your own personal growth, which are things that are under your control. For example, getting a promotion is more under your control, where buying a house may not be, due to the housing market and the amount of money you have at that time.

Steps to Help You Control Your Emotions

Emotional regulation is a difficult concept to grasp for many people. Emotional upsurges are often the catalysts that throw us off healthy habits, whether it be related to physical, spiritual, or mental health. Our emotions can trigger us to overeat, to yell at someone for hurting our feelings, to misinterpret events, to drink too much, and to sit on the couch all day instead of checking things off our to-do list. Severe mental health problems are of course far more complex, but in essence, they are extreme emotions at the furthest end of the spectrum, often trigger us in similar ways, throwing off the habits we work so hard to keep in place.

Cognitive-behavioral therapy, or CBT, is a form of psychotherapy that links together the synchronicity of emotions with thoughts and behavior. It teaches ways that you can observe all three of these in action, noting how they affect one another and then learning to react in a way that is more reasonable and controlled. These selective methods will be described in further detail in the next chapter.

For now, here are a few steps that can help you identify your emotions before you choose to respond, rather than react instantly to any external or internal stimuli that may be around you.

Take a Step Back, and Do Not React Right Away: Reacting right away to any emotional triggers may result in many negative outcomes. People do have the tendency to make us angry, sad, or just generally hurt, and usually, our knee jerk reactions are not proportionate to what we feel has been done to us. We don't have time to assess their motivations, their mood, or what might be going on in their lives. If you feel yourself being triggered, try to consciously stop yourself by closing your eyes, and taking a deep breath. Continue to sit and breathe like this for around five minutes, allowing your muscles to intense, and your heart rate to drop. When you feel yourself calming down, affirm to yourself that this sensation is only temporary. Try to make a time for later when you want to respond, should the occurrence require an adequate response.

Find a Healthy Outlet: Since you have managed your emotion, you need to find a way to release it. It is very unhealthy to keep things bottled up, as they can lead to stress-related disorders, as well as the worsening of mental health issues. Call or hang out with someone, of whose opinion you trust. Seeing occurrences from another person's perspective does just that; it lends an unbiased, third party opinion. Perhaps, keep a journal that is separate from your notebook, a write down the emotions you feel when someone or something triggers you. Exercise is great for releasing negative energy; from running to kickboxing. Some people find it more helpful to meditate. Be honest with yourself and find a way to release the energy that is pent up inside you and may cause you to react too quickly.                        

See the Bigger Picture: Instead of choosing to react at the moment, try to let yourself see the bigger picture of the occurrence; meaning, things that will connect to the seemingly negative occurrence later down the line. You won't be able to see it at the moment, especially if you are angry or upset, but once you have calmed down, try to remind yourself that there is more to life than possibly overreacting to this occurrence.

Replace your Thoughts: As will be explained later, negative emotions easily bind with negative thoughts, and continuously following down the path of negative thoughts will only lead to more negative thoughts. Instead of reacting instantly or ruminating about an issue, once you have calmed down, imagine the ideal resolution to your problem playing out or something else that instantly makes you happy; like your pet, or perhaps your partner.

Forgive your Emotional Triggers: Everyone has individuals in their lives that have faster access to their emotional triggers; it may be a family member, a friend, a co-worker, etc., someone who knows just how to press your buttons, oftentimes without knowing it. Becoming instantly irritated by your friend, who always leaves a light on when they visit your place, or a parent who always bothers you about not working out enough, isn't abnormal.

If you feel these things for people you are close to, or even people you are not, do your best to forgive yourself for feeling these things. You are a human being, and it is entirely normal to feel this way sometimes. When you forgive, you detach. You detach from resentment, the jealousy, or anger rising inside you. Do not add to your mix of emotions by being angry at yourself.

As a practice exercise, perhaps you can write down a list of the top 10 things that instantly agitate or upset you. It can anything as large as the examples previously mentioned, such as the habits of others that bother you, or even an emotional reaction to people on the internet. Rank these emotions from 1-5, 5 being the most intense and harder to resist, 1 being the least intense and easier to resist. Start with the lowest number and go through the previous steps. It will not be a concrete series of steps, as opposed to steps that will increase your awareness. Once you practice them, they will become easier and easier to recall without reading this section of the book. And once you recall them, it will easily form into a new and healthy habit.

DARK

PSYCHOLOGY

SECRETS

Introduction

Have you ever wondered about what it might be like to control someone else's behavior? Do you believe it is possible? Have you ever admired the behavior of a serial killer on your favorite true crime program and wondered what it would be like to feel so fearless? If so, we are inviting you to climb into the world of dark psychology and to take a look around–with a flashlight, of course.

This book is going to explore the various dark individuals that dominate the study of dark personalities, as well as the various skills and techniques they employ to wreak havoc on the rest of the population. We will dive deep into the origins of these techniques, how they are utilized by these malevolent personalities, and how you can learn to take advantage of these skills in your own more benevolently.

We will work to demystify the notion of mind control and break it down in psychological concepts. We will show you that it is indeed possible but not in the way that the movies and novels depict it to you. Conceptualizations of manipulation, coercion, influence, brainwashing, subliminal messaging, and hypnosis will be discussed in a simple language. Descriptions from individuals who have been victims of this intense form of mind control will share their experiences. We will warn you about ways that you–yes, you–and many other people on the planet can be more susceptible to these covert tricks. A specific form of manipulation that falls under the category of abuse will be detailed and explained about how to escape a dark personality’s grips. Finally, we will offer a practice section that shows you specific methods of applying these techniques to those around you, including yourself.

This book will also offer historical examples of how dark psychological traits have manifested in real individuals outside your television screen. Hitler, Stalin, Rasputin, and even Paul Bernardo will be assessed for their position within the Dark Triad so you will get a firmer grip on what it means to possess one of these intriguing personalities.

Stereotypes about psychopathy will be sliced in half and described in detail so you can gain a better understanding of what the word means. Get to know yourself better through the exploration of other people’s personalities and learn that it takes more than violence to fall into the Dark Triad category.

Take a journey to the dark side and explore its wonders and horrors. Learn about the power of the mind and that no magic is required to get that big promotion you have always wanted. Come with us and find a silver lining within every dark cloud of personalities that roam this world. Use the power of your mind to learn how to focus harder, to manifest your hopes into reality, to hypnotize someone, to brainwash customers into giving you bigger tips, and to realize that every tool you need to do these things is already within your possession.

Chapter 1: What is Dark Psychology?

The universe has always worked in extreme dichotomies, conceptually, figuratively, and literally. There is good and bad, and light and dark. In the past, almost every story written or verbally told contained a distinguishable protagonist and antagonist, balancing out the tale with both horrific and wonderful scenarios that enhanced one another’s effect through their contrasting natures. The superhero genre, for example, easily utilizes this storytelling tactic: Spiderman vs. The Green Goblin and Batman vs. The Joker. We know as observers that the morality of the ‘good guy’ acts in the direct offense to the ‘bad guy’, leading to an ongoing struggle of behavior and values. It is only more recently that storytelling in film and novels have begun to recognize something that personality psychology has long been aware of, which is that most individuals are divisions of a variety of traits, rather than an extreme display of one or the other. The usual good guys of the film have started having more malevolent impulses, while a flash of kindness has been expressed in the acts of a previously boxed-in villain.

You may have at some point recognized this about yourself that you are more than just simply being good or bad. You may have felt an impulse to take the last cookie from the jar when your mother specifically told you not to or you may be a person who does not do well in school or your job but feel the desire to open the door for older or disabled people. The amount of goodness and badness existing in everyone varies greatly on several blending factors that the entire scope of psychology has studied over decades.

This is what this book is going to express to you: the simple fact that not every individual is either good or bad, living in the light or thriving in the dark. Many people may have believed in the past that they were entirely bad but are working towards a more positive future. A person who may have acted with positive intentions for the majority of their lives may feel desires that don’t fit within their general interpretation of themselves. Most people are a medley of traits, affected by genetics and nature of their upbringing.

If you are reading this book, don’t think that you are a bad person for doing so; some skills and qualities were once attributed to individuals of ill will that a person with good intentions can take advantage of. This informational and practical guidebook is not here to judge you or the skills in which you decide to blend into your daily life.

This book will dive into the deep history of what is called dark psychology, what the phrasing connotes coercion, the traits, and behavior of those with extremely diagnosable dark psychological traits. You will be informed about what kind of tactics these individuals utilize toward their victims and how you can avoid becoming one of their victims by noticing how they use manipulation, coercion, and even methods of mind control to get what they want. You will even notice how people in your life have been using these tactics to manipulate you, whether it be within a romantic relationship or from a parenting perspective. You might even detect some of the tendencies in yourself, whether it be applied at work, at home, or to total strangers.

Despite the increase in research that relates to positive psychology, which is the study of people who are more productive and content with their lives, there still exists an intrigue toward the behavior, thought patterns, and motivations of those whose intentions are primarily malevolent. Become aware of these techniques that are used on you by salespeople, politicians, partners, friends, and even family. Maybe next time, you can find a way to turn it around on them.

Chapter 2: What Being “Dark” Really Means

History is simply wrought with examples of the dark side of human nature expressing itself. Dark psychology is a construct that has existed since the beginning of time, recorded in various cultures, societies, and religions as facts of the human condition. It exists in contrast to positive psychology, which was previously mentioned, concerning thoughts, perceptions, and feelings that drive the more malevolent actions of human beings. Dark psychology assumes that every person has this potential within their human nature, the potential and likelihood of acting out on their darker thoughts sitting upon a continuum. Like all studies of personality, it acknowledges the differences in the influence of internal and external factors that could lead to a person acting negatively against another human being. In summary, though, it is safe to say that dark psychology is the study of human behavior, thoughts, and feelings that seek to harm and use others for our benefit. These people fall under an extreme category and are selfish usually by the influence of nature and their nurture.

The Dark Triad

These dark tendencies have been organized in dark psychology about three main personality disorders that display malevolent intentions and behaviors. Research on this concept is mainly done within the world of applied psychology, where psychological methods and findings are used to solve practical problems of human and animal behavior. This is done to assess personality types and traits that are more likely to commit crimes, cause distress, or cause enough harm to disrupt a workplace situation. Research on the dark triad was initialized in 1998 when McHoskey, Worzel and Szyarto, three psychologists studying the personality and social psychology, claimed that narcissism, Machiavellians, and psychopathy were interchangeable concepts in an academic journal. Another personality psychology researcher, Delroy L. Paulhus, debated this with McHoskey at an American Psychological Association conference. This debate then inspired a body of work that claimed the three varied enough in behavioral, personality, and cognitive elements that they should be categorized differently.

While it was agreed that some of the traits overlap in definition, there was enough difference to keep them separate as their distinct personality trait.

In this section, we will be referring to what is called in the study of personality the Big Five Personality Model and how it relates to the dark triad, also known as the Five-Factor Model (FFM) and the OCEAN model, a summary five different traits of a personality that are believed to encompass every person. The degree of the five factors all add up together to create a single personality. These dimensions are broad and act as more of a suggestion than a neurological fact.

The five factors that we will refer to are as follows:

Openness to Experience: A person described as either inventive/curious or consistent/cautious.

Conscientiousness: A person described as either efficient/organized or easy-going/careless.

Extraversion: A person described as outgoing/energetic or solitary/reserved.

Agreeableness: A person described as friendly and compassionate or challenging/detached.

Neuroticism: A person described as sensitive/nervous or secure/confident.

For each personality type in our triad, there is a different mix of the Big Five traits, either scoring low or high, added up to form the degree in which that personality type exists in a person.

Machiavellianism

This personality trait is based upon the political theory posed by Niccolò Machiavelli. This theory claimed in 1469 that any means can be used to maintain political power. The personality trait, however, was coined by Richard Christie in the 1960s, characterized by being unemotional and lacking any concern with common morality, as well as an inclination toward deception and manipulation of others. Christie, along with fellow psychologist, Florence L. Geis, conducted a study that used Niccolò Machiavelli’s statements and asked participants to rate how much they relate to ones that act as a more manipulative statement. The personality test, titled Mach-IV Test, was a twenty-statement survey that became the standard self-abasement tool for Machiavellianism. If a person scored high on this, they would be termed a “High Mach”, whereas a lower scorer would be labeled a “Low Mach”. While using this scale, Christie and Geis conducted more experiments that assessed the difference between the two personality types. Their results have been highly referenced in personality research. A summary of these results stated that males score on average slightly higher than females. Behavioral genetics, of course, play a role as environmental influences do.  

Skills, abilities, and motivations: Machiavellian motivation is often termed in the psychological literature as a cold instrumental personality. Those who score high on this trait tend to pursue their motives selfishly in ways that often seek to deceive others. Other research has stated that those who score high on Machiavellianism place a high priority on power, competition, and money, with self-love and family commitment existing as a low priority if a priority at all. The key to identifying someone with this personality trait is to recognize that they will do anything to achieve their goals, no matter the harm caused to others. 

Machiavellianism is associated with low emotional intelligence, which is an inability to utilize empathy and comprehend the emotional expression of others.

It was once believed that those High Mach’s possessed a high IQ because of their distinct ability to manipulate others and to anticipate the thoughts and reactions of those of whom they are using for their sole benefit. But studies have found that this is not the case of possessing unique cognitive abilities, and due to the emotional deficit, they are simply more willing to engage in manipulation than the average person. 

With the Big Five personality traits, Machiavellianism negatively correlates with Agreeableness and Conscientiousness. This means that a person with these traits will more than likely be described as careless and detached from others. 

Example of Machiavellianism: Besides the standard examples of individuals that are friends and family, there seems a pervasive presence of Machiavellianism in the workplace. It has been studied extensively over the past few decades due to its consistently present nature. An example of this could be a coworker or even your boss manipulating you or others to get higher in the company coldly. The person may be aggressive and even exploit others to get exactly what it is that they want.

Narcissism

This personality type name was taken from Greek mythology, the story of Narcissus, a young man who fell in love with his own image. It became a psychological concept during the time of Freud and psychoanalysis in 1914 when Freud wrote On Narcissism. Narcissistic personality disorder replaced the phrase megalomania in the Diagnostic Statistical Manual since 1968.

The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism

James F. Masterson and Hotchkiss were psychiatrists who identified features of a narcissistic personality, and they are listed as follows:

Shamelessness: People with this extreme personality type are very proud and are not limited by the needs of others. They reject any form of shame because it implies that they may need to change and are not flawless. Guilt is easier for them because then they can remove themselves from their actions. They are never wrong or bad in any way.

Magical Thinking: A narcissist cannot see anything wrong with themselves because feeling shame may destroy them. They distort their thoughts and behaviors so they can never be seen as behaving wrong, thinking wrong, or generally, being wrong.

Arrogance: A narcissist applies shame and degrading onto others so they can refill their sense of self-importance, should it be lingering or diminishing as of late.

Envy: Instead of admitting jealousy over the success of another person or celebrating it, the narcissist maintains a sense of superiority, so their delicate self-esteem is not injured.

Entitlement: Because they feel that they deserve special treatment over others and expect complete compliance with this forced request, they experience a narcissistic injury if they are not obeyed, which could trigger narcissistic rage. Narcissistic rage is a concept that summarizes the unreasonable reaction of a narcissist when someone does or says something that is a perceived threat to their self-esteem and self-worth. It is believed that this is expressed when the narcissist feels that their true self has been revealed. This rage can range from yelling outbursts to severe violence. (Narcissistic abuse will be discussed in a later chapter.)

Exploitation: This can happen in many ways but never is done with any consideration for the feelings or results felt by others surrounding them.

 Usually, the person is in a lower position where they could not fight against this exploitation. This behavior often places narcissists within short-lived relationships.

Bad Boundaries: A narcissist does not recognize boundaries to a slight degree. They do not realize that others are separate from them and are not extensions of themselves. They simply see others as a means to meet their needs. Providing narcissistic supply to a narcissist, which is when a person is close to a narcissist, provides excessive attention or admiration to feed their pathological need to approve. Narcissists generally gravitate toward people with a codependent personality, which is when an individual defines their ability to care-take for another as their sole purpose in life. (This will also be discussed in the section about narcissistic abuse further.)

The Big Five Personality Model notes a positive correlation with extraversion, openness, and negatively with agreeableness. This would make sense because a narcissist tends to seek approval from external sources and often shares information about themselves grandiosely. 

Examples of Narcissism: Many people who have grown up and recognized that they had been emotionally abused by a parent or parents were able to recognize that they were more than likely dealing with a narcissist. This falls into the same category as those who are emotionally abused in romantic relationships, where the abuser is more often than not a narcissist, especially if the abuse has lasted for years. Identifying a narcissistic personality in the workplace or friendships relies heavily on the notion of detecting whether or not the person is ignoring your boundaries, projecting their insecurities and shame onto you, or uses degradation consistently to make themselves feel better about their true self. Detecting this form of abusive behavior will be discussed in more detail later in this book.

Psychopathy

Of the triad, this personality type is thought to be the most sinister yet the most interesting. Like narcissism, it can be diagnosed in a clinical format as a personality disorder, with some of the most nuanced and misunderstood qualities in the entire world of psychology. Various concepts intermingle and blend in the description and behavioral elements, such as the belief that sociopath and anti-social personality disorder are the same with psychopathy. For now, it is safe to say that there are some overlapping facts, but there are also many contradictory notions that we will leave to the experts to continue to explore. Take note now, that psychopathy is not the same as psychosis; the term “going psychotic” is often seen as synonymous with psychopathic behavior. The term 'psychotic' a symptom of many disorders and refers to the experience of hallucinations and delusions by those with diagnoses of schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and many other substance-use disorders.

An American psychiatrist, Hervey M. Cleckley, influenced the initial criterial for diagnosing an anti-social personality in one of the first Diagnostic Statistical Manuals (DSM). Over the years, various changes happened within the context of distinguishing anti-social personality disorder, sociopathy, and psychopathy, leading to the creation of a Psychopathic Checklist by a Canadian researcher, Robert D. Hare. Hare had corresponded with Cleckley beginning in 1980, discussing differences in their ideas for a checklist. This checklist has been renowned in the criminal justice system as well as psychological circles for the accuracy in the assessment. A final draft was related in 2003, having initially been published for public use in 1991.

Of the many conceptualizations of psychopathy, the first was Cleckley’s, who categorized two kinds of the disorder into Cleckleyan Psychopathy, which displayed bold, disinhibited behavior, and criminal psychopathy that was supposedly more aggressive and disinhibited in behavior. Much later, of course, the Psychopathy Checklist was a go-to.

The Psychopathic Personality Inventory relied on its predecessors for inspiration as yet another scale measuring psychopathy, developed by Scott Lilienfeld and Brian Andrews in the late 90s. This is a self-reported scale, rather than an interview, and is usually conducted on non-criminal subjects.

To narrow down the various components that create this complex expression of personality, the triad model was created. It takes into account the various questions and primary assessments made within the Psychopathic Checklist and the Psychopathic Personality Inventory. These are the three most observable traits of a psychopath:

Boldness: The person rarely experiences fear, tolerates minimal stress, uncertainty and danger, and has high self-confidence and assertiveness.

Disinhibition: Poor impulse control makes it difficult to plan or foresee results of behavior. The person lacks effect and the ability to control their urges. They want instant gratification and cannot restrain themselves.

Meanness: Like Machiavellianism and narcissism, psychopaths possess a very low level of empathy and attachment to others. They are intentional cruel to gain power, use exploitive techniques, and engage in destructive excitement seeking.

The psychopath would score low on consciousness, neuroticism, and agreeableness. 

Examples of psychopathy: There are many examples of psychopathy in the pop culture and criminal justice system that transcend a standard textbook approach. Beyond violent characters and criminals, psychopaths can exist without having murdered someone or even physically assaulted them. Many psychopaths thrive in powerful positions, as politicians, CEOs, or even kind, charming neighbors. Psychopaths can use their charm to fool you into believing that they are one way, whereas, they are completely willing to use their sense of confidence and lack of empathy to exploit you for their means. There is an endless list of psychopaths that you could probably google right now, so we will let you do that in your own time. But try to remember that not all psychopaths are alike, just like not all people with the same mental health disorder are the same in how their disorder is expressed. Many people who abused loved ones can be seen as psychopaths, whether it be physically or psychologically. Take caution when labeling psychopathy in your life as it stretches beyond expressions of violence and it easily interpreted the manipulation.

A Fourth Trait

Beyond the initially created triad, there exists a fourth personality type or trait that many modern psychologists feel belongs to the dark collection of description. That one is Sadism, which is defined similarly as the first three in the range of callous behavior, but less on the scale of impulsiveness and willingness to manipulate others. What sadists thrive upon is the enjoyment of cruelty to others. The word comes from Marquis de Sade, a 16th-century French philosopher and writer—his works covered philosophy with sexual fantasies and violent actions. Because of their craving for cruelty, most sadists gravitate toward professions that allow them to inflict physical or mental harm on others and have it not been questioned.

Some psychologists disagree on the categorization of sadism within a collective because it is highly correlated with anti-social behavior and can predict the diagnosis of antisocial personality disorder. Nevertheless, it is still a personality trait to consider when trying to comprehend the darker side of the human condition.

Examples of a sadist: A sadist could be a person in authority, such as a police officer or soldier or any person who enjoys causing harm to others emotionally, physically, or psychologically. A sadist could also be a person who abuses others who exits outside the categorization of a narcissist.

Other Possible Dark Psychological Personalities/Traits

The following do not fit within the previously mentioned and agreed upon triad or tread of dark psychological personalities and traits but have been proposed in other areas of personality psychology.

Vulnerable Dark Triad

The VDT contains three related and very similar constructs of personality: vulnerable narcissist, factor 2 psychopathy, and borderline personality disorder. A study was conducted and found that these three constructs are very similar and manifest themselves in a personality in ways that may be indistinguishable:

The Vulnerable Narcissist: It is a kind of narcissist that is less obvious than an average one. They have the same high grandiose opinion of themselves, but often, they are quiet and easy-going. They believe that the world is out to get them and that there is nothing wrong with them. They are constantly the victim, never take responsibility for their behavior, and crave constant sympathetic attention. They want the people around them to see how truly perfect they are.

Factor 2 Psychopathy: The factor description of this form of psychopathy is from the Psychopathy Checklist that was previously mentioned, also called the Hare Psychopathy Checklist. The factors separate the two and often blending elements of what it means to be a psychopath. Factor 1 is the apparent core personality trait of a psychopath and is associated with extraversion and positive effect. These may be beneficial for the psychopath. Factor 2 is more related to negative results of their personality, such as reactive anger, criminality, and impulsive violence.

Borderline Personality Disorder: This is a severe personality disorder that is defined by the instability of self, mood, and relationships. Mental health professions describe the main nine symptoms of the disorder as follows:

Fear of abandonment

Unstable relationships

An unclear of shifting self-image

Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors

Self-harm

Extreme emotional swings

Chronic feelings of emptiness

Explosive anger

Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality

These three personality types relate more to introversion and disinhibition, rather than extroversion some of the disinhibition of a narcissism, a Machiavellian, or psychopath.

Malignant Narcissism

Among the several varieties of narcissism, there exists one that is categorized as a life-long syndrome and the most severe. Malignant narcissism mixes extreme expressions of anti-social behavior, aggression, paranoia, and sadism. It is still a hypothetical concept that does not exist as a diagnosable disorder within the DSM, whereas narcissistic personality disorder is.

Both malignant narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder are linked with psychopathy because they contain very small differences in personality traits.

The difference between malignant narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder lies within the comorbidity that malignant narcissism has with other personality disorders. A person with this syndrome expresses symptoms and personality traits that are broader than that of a narcissistic personality disorder alone. Additional symptoms such as antisocial, paranoid, and sadistic exist at the same time as the narcissistic ones. Because of the inclusion of these elements, unlike those with a narcissistic personality disorder, do not feel guilt or regret about their behavior towards others and how it affects them. Antisocial traits make the person lack even more empathy than the average narcissistic personality. A sadistic personality would derive pleasure from hurting others, along with feeling zero regrets or guilt in doing so.

A Dark Continuum, A Dark Factor

The previous descriptions are examples of extreme and pervasive expressions of personality that exemplify the darkest emotions, motivations, behaviors, and thoughts that manifest within the human condition. Most people, though you are going to come across in your day-to-day living, are not going to be this extreme. Try to think of these kinds of dark traits as existing on an invisible continuum, the individuals described in the previous section falling upon the furthest most radical side of personality expression. Think of every trait that was previously described existing as its continuum, with each person having different traits ranging from nonexistent, to mild, to severe.

Modern-day psychologist and professor, Michael Nuccitelli, wrote about the [6]dark side of the human consciousness in 2006. Within it, he describes which he calls a dark factor–a theoretical concept of the potential for dark thoughts, actions, perceptions, and behaviors that exist inside every human being. He describes it as a set of events that a person experiences, which increases their probability of engaging in more antisocial and cruel behavior. It is not a refined or definite science as it has been known that many children who have been abused grow up to abuse others themselves, but not all of them do. That is an example of a dark factor: being abused as a child.

The number of elements involved in the equation of the Dark Factor is very large as it is the relevance of the impact of these factors on a person’s subjective processing. As usual, if you want to summarize the wording in a psychological sense, it is an unbalance or sometimes a balanced presence of nature and nurture in an individual’s life. Even a person’s Dark Factor will be different because every person’s life experiences greatly differ from one another, as do the reactions to those life experiences. Two separate people could experience the same events externally, while one reacts with retribution and violence, and the other reacts with solemnity and patience.

Purposeful Behavior and Dark Psychology

One of the basic beliefs of psychology is that all behavior a human being participates in is purposeful, no matter how benevolent or malevolent they may be. This notion was solidified by a medical doctor and psychologist who was a contemporary of Sigmund Freud, Alfred Adler. His theory on personality extended away from the psychoanalysts before him like Freud and Carl Jung, who preached about theories of the unconscious expression of behavior. These theories helped shaped how later psychologists and researchers started approaching dark psychologists and darker personality types. His theories about dark psychology can be interpreted as follows:

All behavior is purposeful. This means that everything we think, feel, and do has a purpose to us, perhaps in a more selfish manner. This means that when we do kind things for others, we are doing it to somehow serve ourselves. The reward one receives is praise, respect, and acceptance by their friends, family, peers, and community. This approval may come in handy in the future should we require the aid of one of these individuals.

This notion is expressed in Adler’s theory when it comes to those who behave in more negative ways toward others as well. He believed that people who behave in aggressive or hostile ways expressed a deep sensation of inferiority. If they feel like they are not being accepted by a social group, the motivation behind behaving kind toward others diminishes. They are not being rewarded, so they fail to participate in this behavior.

Adler wrote about the concept of subjective processing that is paramount to the notion of dark psychology. It is the constant relation, effect, and interaction that cognitive, affective, and behavioral states have with one another. All three of these constant interactions create our own subjective experience; reality exists objectively, but all of our experiences will always be subjective to our form of processing. People who have dark psychological traits have a different mix of those three interactions and perceive the world as out to get them, so they behave in ways that they believe will protect them and allow them to thrive in their way.

Adler also posed the notion of social interest. This is the compilation of perceptions, thoughts, and feelings into benevolent behaviors. The more a person feels accepted by others in their lives, the kinder that they will behave. People with a higher social interest are less likely to fall on one end of the dark continuum. It is proposed, then, that the lower the social interest is for a person, while the higher the probability that dark personality trait will come to the surface and be expressed.

This chapter explored the various traits that those with extreme dark psychological personalities possess. These individuals have a long history of cause and effect that have put them in the position they are in, whether it be within the criminal world or thriving within an organization or relationship with power.

You do not have to fall under the category of one of these extreme personalities though to utilize the many benefits that come with having such a personality. Of course, we are not encouraging you to act malevolently against others; the world does not need any more people who are inherently cruel. What this book will do is show you now the various tactics that these people employ to get what they want, to teach them, and to use them in other more positive ways that can help you learn to thrive in your way.

You will also learn about ways to observe and avoid these tactics should people in positions of power in your life use them to get their way. Most importantly, if you are being emotionally abused by a partner, parent, or anyone else in your life, you will learn about what this person is like deep inside, as well as these tactics they use to keep you coming back for more. There is always a way to look at something negatively, and turn it around, making it work to your benefit.

Chapter 3: Historical Examples of the Dark Triad

Now that you have an understanding of what dark psychology entails, we are going to give you a few examples throughout history and how these personality types have manifested themselves. The examples listed will display just how fruitful many of these traits have been for certain individuals but also the kind of dedication to that personality type required to achieve their mischievous goals.

Since there is a general agreement within the psychology community that there existed a Dark Triad, this section is going to base its examples off of the three most understood personality types within that description: Machiavellianism, narcissism, and psychopathy. The examples listed may also possess traits that carry over into other dark psychological types, but in general, will tend to reside more so within one category over another. This section will help you understand what these personality types appear like on a grander stage, which will allow you to transfer that understanding over into more common relationships, such as the ones with coworkers, friends, even family members, and romantic partners.

Machiavellianism

Niccolò Machiavelli wrote a document that has since been blended into the canals of political history, titled “The Prince”, where he outlined the most ideal and hypothetical leader in 16th Century Florence. Since then, interpretations of the text have been muddled and confused with the priorities and goals of many cities and the country’s chosen religions. As previously mentioned, a Machiavellian is generally defined by their devious characteristics, willing to cross a moral boundary to gain a much sought-after position. Because of this definition, many politicians and world leaders have received an acute diagnosis from those who study dark psychology as a Machiavellian. For this reason, we are going to look at two of the most famous world leaders who were known for their malevolent and devious behavior: Joseph Stalin and Adolf Hitler.

A Machiavellian is defined by their core belief that the end justifies the means. This sentence could not describe Adolf Hitler, Germany’s most infamous dictator to ever exist, more keenly. Before Hitler came into power as the Fuhrer of Germany, he expressed anti-Semitic views that connected to hatred of his Father. Germany at the time was suffering economically and deeply craven for a leader who would point them in a tangible direction. Due to his built-up hatred of Jewish people and the combination of a desperate plea for answers from the people of Germany, Hitler was able to rise to power rapidly using his platform of hatred toward the Jewish community. His main goal was to rid the country and Europe of Jewish people and other minorities so a distinctly Aryan world would be reborn, thus, according to him, resolving all of the world’s economic and societal problems. To do this, Hitler ordered and approved of atrocious actions, which included the assassination of over 5 million Jewish people, starting a Second World War, and justifying every action that was both violent and heinous under the guise of a unified Germany. To Hitler, his end was pure, so it did not matter what he and the Third Reich did to achieve their goal. This is the hallmark of a Machiavellian.

Although many who observe the charismatic tirades and learn more about the overall personality of Adolf Hitler in private moments have labeled him as ‘mad’, the term is simply too narrow and vague to cover his entire pathology. Hitler also possessed qualities of a narcissist and a psychopath, but not enough to categorize him entirely under those traits. As a narcissist, he worried exceptionally about what other people thought of him, mainly the people of Germany. But he would not fit the entire profile of a narcissist because he did have an immense amount of anxiety, whereas, a narcissist would only have a limited amount that would be satiated by praise. Psychopaths have little to no empathy, and Hitler, from his perspective, believed he was helping the people of Germany by zeroing in on the true problem plaguing their country. A psychopath would not care for this, as they merely require having power. His willingness to slaughter millions of innocent people based on their religious background though is borderline psychopathy due to its lack of ethics and horrendous violence.

Joseph Stalin was a master manipulator who ruled the Soviet Union during the Second World War. He, like Hitler, placed importance on the concept of being feared instead of being liked. He also exemplified what was written in The Prince, which was the prioritization of war and military strategy, even during times of peace. He used the military as a source of both manipulation and fueling of fear, establishing laws that disallowed any behavior against the government that result in immediate death, resulting in what historians now refer to as “The Great Purge”. This purge was defined as the unlawful prosecution of communists and repressing of counterrevolutionaries, which involved the execution and torture of hundreds of thousands of people between 1937 and 1938. Many believe that this was done due to Stalin’s paranoia and fear of an uprising, a trait he shared with Hitler. Stalin possessed more traits of a classic psychopath, as he made it a point to keep documents about the executions in a semi-legal manner. This was tactical, of course, as the means always justified the end for Stalin, no matter how heinous the acts.

Narcissism

Many people who are diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder are lumped into the same category as those with psychopathy. A psychopath certainly has narcissistic traits, such as a grandiose sense of importance, the ability and willingness to manipulate and abuse others to get what they want, and a lower level of empathy. The key difference though between narcissism and psychopathy is that narcissists, deep down, do care about what others think and deeply require approval and praise to fill that void. Psychopaths do not require this as their sense of self-importance is generally impenetrable.

A wonderful example of a person who historically fits the definition of a narcissistic personality is Gregory Rasputin, the Russian holy man who gained favored of a King and his wife. His story is notorious for its mystique; the man has supposed supernatural powers–his power of seduction and multiple affairs and seeming inhuman skill of staying alive.

Stories of Rasputin are legendary, and there has been an abundant amount of conflicting research that often categorized him as evil, psychopathic, even mad. The truth, of course, lies somewhere in between. The only research that can be corroborated is that he was a skilled manipulator, whose true status was fueled more so by rumor and conjecture.

It took Rasputin little time to gain the favor of the imperial family as he moved through Russia in 1905, taking on the role of a holy man who gave advice and spiritual encouragement. The empress at the time was convinced of his ability to possibly cure her son who had hemophilia. The Russian people became convinced that he was giving negative military advise and created multiple rumors about supposed affairs he was having with many important imperial women. Although this has only been somewhat confirmed, it can be assessed that if this were the case, Rasputin most certainly believed himself to be a more important figure than most mystics would consider themselves. Other narcissistic traits that he possessed were that of self-importance and self-delusion; he believed he gave good political advice and was able to give it, despite lack of experience in politics and military matters. He was manipulative enough to use the imperial family to his advantage and gain power and prestige through that manipulation. He devoted himself to his religion, and in that sense, possessed a delusional sense of power and entitlement.

Rasputin, in many ways, was neither a psychopath nor a Machiavellian. Many psychopaths manipulate, as do Machiavellians, but Rasputin’s level of manipulation did not transcend past what he believed was relevant and important due to his unshakable faith. Distortions in his legacy have led many readers to believe in his evil, almost supernatural power, but these estimations hold little weight when searching for actual evidence.

Psychopathy

Psychopathy is the personality type that is most often associated with violence. Narcissists can be physical abusers, and Machiavellians such as Hitler and Stalin overlooked an incredible number of violent acts. It is because of this that many individuals are mislabeled psychopaths. But it is not only psychopaths who commit violent acts, nor are all diagnosed psychopaths capable of violence. It is an association that is automatically made and confused throughout the criminal justice system’s history. Therefore, the following historical examples range between the spectrum of different psychopaths, from the excessively brutal and violent, to the emancipative and empathy-void leaders.

Levels of Psychopathy

Clinical diagnoses of psychopaths tend to vary in so many ways due to their similarity between a narcissist, and when it comes to world leaders or even company leaders, Machiavellianism. There exists a dividing definition that categorizes the more violent psychopaths versus the manipulative and less violent psychopaths. This is where we will compare primary psychopathy versus secondary psychopathy and blend with our historical examples.

A primary psychopath is a person that most of us think of when we hear the word. They are the Hannibal Lecter, Frank Underwood, and Patrick Batemans that we were dominating pop culture with their blend of charm, intrigue, and tendency toward violence for violence's sake. A primary psychopath is indifferent toward the feelings of others and generally lacks empathy for anyone outside themselves and their own needs. They don’t have anxiety like the narcissist and Machiavellian. They are seen as fearless, calculating, and manipulative of other people’s emotions. They are aware of emotions and how they exist in others, but they will use this to take advantage of those around them who possess an average level of empathy.

This awareness of other people’s emotions is called cognitive empathy, whereas the experience of empathy is called affective empathy.

A secondary psychopath is a person that falls further upon the category of impulsivity. An impulsive psychopath relies more heavily on emotion than the primary psychopath. This form of psychopathy is more closely related to Borderline Personality Disorder, which is marked by impulsivity and aggressiveness. The key to separating the distinguishing characteristics of primary and secondary psychopathy is the general experience of emotions and how those emotions are influenced by outside sources. The secondary psychopath is usually forced into behaving aggressively due to the feeling of emotions such as depression and anxiety, as well as the influence of lifelong trauma and the inability to categorize those emotions healthily. A primary psychopath does not feel these emotions and inherently lacks a sense of right and wrong in accordance to societal standards. Because of this lacking, they will not feel anxiety and depression and merely act of a void of these feelings.

So, who are important examples of both primary and secondary psychopaths throughout history? Primary psychopaths are particularly easier to spot amongst the violent, especially those that fall under the category of a serial killer. Paul Bernardo is a Canadian rapist and serial killer who consciously drew young girls to him to torture and eventually murder. During several interviews, Bernardo expresses a controlled understanding of what he did as being seen as ‘wrong’ through societal standards but expresses no remorse for the acts themselves. His behavior both before, after, and during capture showed zero empathy towards his victims and the family of the victims. This is an example of cognitive empathy versus affective empathy—he is aware of the justice system, but to him, there was not anything particularly ‘wrong’ about his behavior.

There are many other examples of violent psychopaths that can be easily found through a Google search: Ted Bundy, The Zodiac Killer, and Paul Bernardo’s wife, Karla Holyoke.

All fall on a certain scale of psychopathy, which shows their particular level of lacking empathy, the tendency towards aggression, as well as the tendency to manipulate. If we are going to categorize any historical figure as a secondary psychopath, it would more than likely be Hitler. Hitler lacked empathy and used any means to his end, but he also had great anxiety and impulsivity that made it difficult for him to function and sleep. Although he would be more of a Machiavellian, secondary psychopathy would not be a far-off diagnosis.

It is, of course, important to mention again that not every person diagnosed with psychopathy is violent. Serial killers are always associated with the diagnosis, but not all serial killers are psychopaths, in the same sense that not all psychopaths are serial killers. Popular culture has mended the two into one, which often makes the discussion of a diagnosis of psychopathy more stigmatized to discuss, even more than depression and anxiety. Interviews and studies conducted over the past decade have shown what life is like for a non-violent, functioning psychopath.

One particular interview that is especially interesting was conducted by The Cut in 201, titled “My Life as a Psychopath”, where journalist Katie Heaney interviews a woman (who wishes to remain nameless) who was diagnosed with psychopathy in her mid-twenties. She lives an average, 9-5, married life with a partner of 19 years, and has concluded that there is an entire misperception as to what her diagnosis implies. Her experience of the disorder happens with the differentiation between cognitive empathy and affective empathy. She can observe the emotions of others but cannot connect effectively to show or say to her partner what she feels. What she requires is a certain form of communication with her husband that lets her know how her behavior affects others and how she needs to behave to help out those around her. In this sense, psychopathy is categorized more so as a brain disorder, rather than one that is constantly associated with violence.

There is one aspect of a psychopath that remains consistent across all diagnoses: the necessity of having to put on a ‘mask’ for the world. A mask may not have a malevolent association, but it might.

It is a form of behaving a certain way that the world expects you to because of the way that the person is not always understood or accepted. So, if a person has this diagnosis, some of them may tend towards manipulation more than others, as well as willingness to commit violence more than others.

Chapter 4: Methods of Manipulation

The word 'manipulation' has many negative connotations to it. Manipulation can occur on both a small and large scale. It can occur on a subconscious level in romantic relationships when one partner wants something from the other without directly communicating about it. For example, one person may want the other person to pay for dinner, so throughout the meal, they complain about having no money, which entices the other to reach for the bill when payment time comes. On a more massive scale, manipulation can happen in politics, where a political leader says or does something to make the people believe one aspect of their policies or to hide from something that does not aid in their campaign. One way or another, you can probably recall a time in your life when you were manipulated or even used manipulation to your benefit with or without realizing it. Like the dark continuum, the use of this practice happens on a spectrum. There are crueler ways of using it, while others may seem more innocent, such as paying for a meal example. Most people can recall a time when they manipulated someone they care about in their lives, so try not to feel too guilty about it.

This section identifies the various tactics of manipulation that those with more narcissistic, psychopathic, and Machiavellian personalities apply to get what they want. It will help you become more aware of them and also educate you on ways that you can apply some of them, on a much smaller scale.

A psychological manipulation is a form of social influence that tries to change the behavior and perception of others through indirect, deceptive tactics. By this definition, psychological manipulation is inherently negative. Social influence though does not have to be. Someone could have positive social influence over a family member or friend when they want them to stop participating in negative behaviors, such as drug or alcohol addiction.

Motivations of Manipulators

The following are a list of what motivates people to manipulate others, beyond the obvious of fulfilling material, social, and psychological desires:

A strong need to attain feelings of power and superiority over others.

The need to feel in control.

Seeing it as a game; a way to escape boredom.

For criminal or a covert agenda.

Unconscious manipulation: when the person cannot recognize their own emotions such as commitment phobias and rationalizations.

Manipulative Techniques According to Harriet B. Braiker and George K. Simon

The two main psychological researchers who contributed heavily to the study and understanding of manipulation are George K. Simon and Harriet B. Braiker. They each identified their list of techniques that most successful manipulators utilized to acquire exactly what they want from their victim.

Braiker:

Positive reinforcement: This includes praise, fake charm, fake sympathy, excessive apologizing, gifts, and forced facial expressions to make the victim believe in a positive intention.

Negative reinforcement: This involves removing someone from a negative situation as a reward. An example of this is telling a partner that they don’t have to go to a social gathering that they don’t want to go to if they allow the offender to abuse them. This is often used for children in abusive situations.

Intermittent or partial reinforcement: This can create a climate of fear and doubt. This is done to confuse the victim, so they continue their behavior of enabling, without being able to predict the reaction of the manipulator.

Punishment: This involves yelling, using the silent treatment, threatening, emotional blackmail, the guilt trip, and playing the victim.

Traumatic one-trial learning: Using orally abusive behavior and explosive anger to establish dominance over another. This is done to condition the victim to avoid upsetting the manipulator.

Simon:

Lying: Manipulators use a direct form of lying, which is called lying by commission. Certain personality types make it harder to identify a lie as it is done often and subtly, such as consistent lies told by a psychopathic personality.

Lying by omission: This is a form of lying that withholds important information or a significant amount of truth from an audience or victim. This is often done in various forms of propaganda.

Denial: The manipulator refuses to admit when anything they do may have been wrong.

Rationalization: Various excuses are made for inappropriate behavior.

Minimization: This is often coupled with rationalization. The person asserts that their behavior is not as bad as the victim is claiming it to be. The manipulator often uses the excuse of a joke if someone is offended by something they may have said.

Selective attention/ inattention: The manipulator refuses to give attention to anything that takes them away from following through on their own hidden agenda.

Diversion: The manipulator avoids answering a question, often moving onto another subject to stay away from being found out.

Evasion: Also, a form of avoidance, but instead of changing the subject, they give answers that are not relevant to the question, steering away from the actual truth.

Covert Intimidation: The manipulator throws the victim into defensive mode by using subtle threats against them.

Guilt trip: This tactic helps the victim stay in a repeating state of self-doubt and a submissive position. The manipulator makes suggestions that make the more sensitive person feel bad about their behavior, calling them selfish and uncaring.

Shaming: The use of sarcasm and name-calling to maintain that circle of fear and self-doubt. This makes the victim constantly feel unworthy, and thus, would never diverge away from the manipulator. Shaming can occur in facial expressions and small statements that deject the individual and their opinions, thoughts, and interests.

Vilifying the victim: This often happens in abusive relationships, wherein the abuser puts the abused on the defense and then accuses them of being the abuser when the victim is merely defending themselves or their position.

Playing the victim: This connects with the previously mentioned tactic of vilifying the victim. They will be playing upon the kindness and sensitivity of others to get what they want by making themselves seem like the victim.

Playing the servant role: This tactic is used by veiling a self-serving agenda by appearing obedient to an authority figure or to be of service to another.

Seduction: The manipulator will use charm, flattery, and appearing overly supportive to make the victim trust them and open themselves up to be manipulated.

Projecting the blame: This is a very common tactic of manipulators and is often done without conscious awareness. If the manipulator is found to be deceitful, then the manipulator will somehow distort this into making the victim believe that it was indeed their behavior who made them behave deceitfully. This is done also to make the victim feel guilty about partaking in healthy behaviors, such as confronting the person when they feel they are being used or manipulated.

Feigning innocence: The manipulator tries to convince the victim that any harm that was done was unintentional or that they did not do something that they are accused of. This makes the victim question their judgment and motivation behind their accusations.

Feigning confusion: This is simply playing dumb when their behavior or words are questioned. They make statements that further confuse their victims by inserting key elements included in an explanation to make room for the sprouting of doubt.

Brandishing anger: The manipulator uses sudden anger and rage to shock the victim into submission. This is used to avoid confrontation and to avoid exposing the truth to the victim.

Bandwagon effect: The manipulator comforts the victim into submission by claiming that other people have done something that they should too. This is seen in peer pressure situations, where someone is influenced into trying drugs or alcohol when they don’t want to.

Personality Types and Manipulation

We have described in a previous chapter what dark personality types look like. It is not surprising to see the same types described in the section about manipulation; all of these extreme individuals utilize it for their own benefits. 

Psychopathy: The most known personality type that utilizes manipulation. It is within Factor 1 of the Hare Psychopathy Checklist, and thus one of the first ways to identify a person as a psychopath. 

When a psychopath manipulates you, it is going to be very hard to identify. Psychopaths in the workplace have been written about a lot in the most recent years, as understanding about the consider expands outside the zone of criminality and violence. Paul Babiak wrote about this phenomenon in his book Snakes in Suits: When Psychopaths Go to Work. While referencing Hare, Babiak goes into intense detail about the techniques of manipulation that psychopaths in a work environment engage in. The psychopath will create a scenario where they are seen in a positive light and then spread negative disinformation about others, using their coworkers as pawns so the psychopath can reach their goal of status and power. 

Antisocial Personality Disorder: This personality disorder is very similar to psychopathy, where the individual applies the previously described tactics to gain power, material items, revenge, or anything else that they may require for their own self-focused needs. 

Borderline Personality Disorder: This personality disorder was once misunderstood as a syndrome that uses pathological lies and manipulation of others to get the attention and love these individuals so desire. Over years of studies though, it was realized that the manipulation those with BPD engage in is unintentional and comes from a place of intense pain and low self-worth. 

Narcissistic Personality Disorder: As previously described in the first chapter, this personality disorder thrives on manipulation to gain narcissistic supply and maintain their distorted views of themselves as flawless. 

Histrionic Personality Disorder: This personality disorder uses attention-seeking behaviors and emotions, which automatically includes manipulative behaviors. They are similar to those who are diagnosed with a narcissistic personality, meaning they constantly need approval from others and can be very sensitive to criticism. Due to the higher likelihood of women being diagnosed with HPD and men being diagnosed with NPD, it is believed that there exists a sexist gender bias in diagnostic processes. 

Machiavellianism: This person is not driven or affected by the most common conception of morality and therefore has no problem using manipulation to get what they want.

Vulnerabilities of Victims

If there are personality types for manipulators, then there must be personality types for their victims. The following section will describe the traits of those who are most vulnerable to being manipulated by these dark personality types. If you identify any of these traits in yourself, please, do not fret; most average individuals who do not participate in malevolent behavior are going to fall under a few of these categories.

Barkier:

People pleasers

The excessive desire to earn the approval and acceptance of others

Fear of any negative emotion, expressing anger, frustration, or disapproval called emetophobia

A lack of assertiveness

A fragmented sense of identity

Soft personal boundaries

Low self-reliance

Low focus of control, meaning they have a minimal sense of belief that they are in control of the outcomes of events in their lives

Simon:

Naïveté: The victim finds it too difficult to accept that some people are ‘bad’, meaning they are intentionally devious and ruthless. They may be in denial that they are being victimized.

Over-conscientiousness: The victim is all too willing to give the manipulator the benefit of the doubt when they start blaming the victim for their inappropriate behavior.

Low self-confidence: The victim cannot confront the manipulator, has excessive self-doubt, cannot assert themselves, and get onto the defensive very easily.

Over-intellectualization: The victim tries too hard to comprehend the motivations of the manipulator beyond that of being devious and hurtful.

Emotional dependency: The victim is submissive and has a dependent personality. The more they depend on the manipulator, the more vulnerable they are to being manipulated (the dependent personality will be described in more detail in the next chapter on narcissistic abuse).

Martin Kantor describes in his book The Psychopathy of Everyday Life: How Antisocial Personality Disorder Affects All of Us about the vulnerable traits of victims of abuse and manipulation:

Dependent: They thrive on the need to be approved and loved and are more likely to say yes to something or someone of whom they believe is feeding them love and approval.

Immature: Has less experience in life and thus easily believes lies and exaggerations told to them.

Impressionable: Overly seduced by those who seem charming based on a single or few experiences. 

Trusting: Some honest people tend to believe that everyone else is honest or inherently positively motivated. 

Carelessness: Careless people do not give enough thought or consideration to decisions made involving others who may be taking advantage of them.

Lonely: A lonely person is more likely to accept any form of human contact or perceived connection, no matter the cost.

Impulsive: A person may make snap decisions without thinking things over when a person is trying to manipulate them. 

Altruistic: This person is very honest, fair, and far too empathic. A highly empathic person often draws in psychopaths because they want to understand them or feel that they can, even if the attempt greatly harms them.

Materialistic: These kinds of people are easy prey for get-rich schemes because they appreciate owning items.

Greedy: Psychopaths can entice the greedy into acting in an immoral way by playing on their need for material things or financial gain.

Masochistic: A person who lacks self-respect can so easily and often unconsciously let psychopaths take advantage of them. They probably believe somewhere inside of them that they are deserving of the negative treatment they are receiving. 

This chapter generalizes a lot of the traits of both a person who is a manipulator and a person who is the victim of manipulation. The next chapter will focus specifically on a very common form of manipulation and how it relates to emotional abuse: the narcissistic personality.

Chapter 5: Having a Manipulative Partner and How to Avoid Manipulation

What is a Narcissistic Personality?

The word ‘narcissist’ comes from a story in Greek mythology, where Narcissus fell in love with his image. The narcissistic personality is defined as a person who idealized their self-image and attributes to the point of negatively affected other people’s lives. Many people have possessed narcissistic traits when it has to do with a certain section of their lives but also possess a healthy dose of humility and self-doubt. This is not the case for a person with a narcissistic personality.

In 2004, psychiatrists Hotchkiss and James F. Masterson listed what they called the [7]Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism:

Shamelessness: Narcissists do not express shame for any behavior or belief they may possess, as the sensation of feeling shame implies that they must have done something wrong. 

Magical Thinking: A psychological defense mechanism that allows them to see themselves as flawless, and project shame onto others rather than feel it themselves. 

Envy: A narcissist may employ the feeling of contempt toward another person to avoid feelings of jealousy in reaction to the result of another person’s achievements. 

Arrogance: A narcissist likes to raise their self-importance by degrading others. 

Entitlement: Believing that they are special and deserve special treatment and begin expressing narcissistic rage they are denied it (a reaction when a threat to their self-worth is perceived). 

Exploitation: The narcissist may employ exploitation without regard for the feelings of others. This is usually done to another person who is in a position of subservience and cannot escape it, such as in a work setting or chidden at school. 

Lack of bad boundaries: Boundaries simply do not exist for a person who is a full-blown narcissist. They are unaware that other people can exist not solely to suit their needs and that other people may have different thoughts or feelings than themselves. Narcissistic supply is a term used to describe how narcissist relies on codependents to fill their sense of self-worth. 

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)

NPD is a personality disorder that expresses a long-term pattern of behavior that is self-focused, superior, exploitative of others, and severely lacks empathy for others. The difference between NPD and the previously described traits of a person with a narcissistic personality is the consistency of the traits and to what extent they impair their lives. This difference is described as pathological; when the expression of these traits consistently disrupts the lives of the narcissist is when a mental health diagnosis is given. Many people possess narcissistic personality traits and can live a successful and stress-free life, while those with NPD may perceive themselves this way, are not developing and achieving success due to the crippling fear of criticism, self-doubt, and failure that lies under their inflated sense of self-worth.

The Malignant Narcissist

This kind of narcissist is not bothered by guilt and can resemble antisocial personality disorder. APD is another personality disorder defined primarily by antisocial behavior that has no consideration for right and wrong. The malignant narcissist may take pleasure in causing pain and display forms of sadistic behavior.

The key difference though between a malignant narcissist and an antisocial personality is the way the person relates to others. Narcissists share a codependent relationship with others, and deep down, they require the approval of others to function.

A person with antisocial personality disorder could not care less about the opinion of others and do not require the engagement of other people to feel validated.

The Narcissist and Emotional/Psychological Abuse: What Truly Lies Beneath

Abuse is the behavioral act that a narcissist applies as a defense mechanism against a variety of emotions that the narcissist is constantly attempting to suppress. Despite the outward expression of self-importance, grandiosity, lacking empathy, and cruel behavior, the narcissist is acting out of deeply repressed sensations of fear. They fear rejection, their imperfections, and shortcomings, of being abandoned, unwanted, and unloved.

The following section will summarize 14 behavioral expressions of a narcissist and how it connects to being abusive. A narcissist could be an authority figure, a parent, a partner, a teacher, a coach, or a caregiver. Margalis Fjelstad writes about the behaviors to look out for if you believe someone in your life is a narcissist on [8]Mind Body Green.

Narcissists feel the need to be the best or most at everything in their lives. Even if it means the sickest or injured, they must be at the top.

A narcissist constantly feels the need to acquire validation from a partner or important person in their lives because they subconsciously believed that they are not good enough. External validation is always required, but never enough. They will always want you to praise them because they cannot provide the confidence and assuredly for themselves, despite the outward appearance of confidence and egotism.

Narcissists are perfectionists, which means everything in their lives must be perfect and everything that they have planned or envisioned for themselves must play out without a hitch. This, of course, is not how life works, which often leads to the narcissist feeling dissatisfied. Perfectionism is why it is endlessly difficult for a narcissist to receive any criticism, even if it is constructive.

Because of the perfectionism, the narcissist wants to control everything around them, which includes a partner, a child, a parent, etc. This is where control in abusive relationships comes from because the behavior of the victim is not lining up with the exact ways the abuser wants it to.

Narcissists never take responsibility for their actions. Even if they contributed to the not so flawless way something may have been carried about, the fault is never their own; it is yours because you did do exactly as you were instructed. Noting they ever do can be wrong.

As previously stated, a narcissist cannot comprehend what boundaries are. They cannot comprehend that you have your thoughts, feelings, expectations, and past. They do not like it when another person expresses feelings that oppose their own because it is not perfect, which leads to more behaviors that attempt to control their entire world.

The narcissist lacks empathy, which is why they cannot understand boundaries. They cannot correctly read body language or facial expressions because they believe that other people must feel the same way they do. But they are also overly sensitive and aware of perceived rejection from others and constantly believe that the source of their negative feelings is caused by the person they are closest to in their life.

Logic does not work with the narcissist. Trying to explain to a narcissist how their behavior affects you is futile because they are only aware of their thoughts and feelings.

Splitting is a term used to describe how narcissists categorize every feeling, person, and experience into one of two categories: the good and the bad. This is due to their intense sense of perfectionism. Nothing can be a combination of a positive valence experience and a negatively perceived one. They can only cope with the single experience that is their own.

                     An appearance of surety and self-confidence hide the narcissist true experience of fear–fear of failure, losing money, their partner leaving them, their children being taken away, etc. No matter how close a person can get to a narcissist, they will never be able to build a trusting relationship simply because the narcissist is in constant fear of being abandoned.

                     Anxiety is a looming sensation for the narcissist who projects this sensation onto their siblings, partner, or parent. This is not an enjoyable sensation for the narcissist, so they rather throw it onto someone else.

                     Shamelessness may appear to be a trait of the narcissist, but it is truly an expression of the opposite. Shame means that there is something wrong about a person, and the narcissist cannot cope with this notion. Feeling shame is the enemy, so they do not allow themselves to feel it and bury it deep inside their subconscious. They hate that they possess insecurities and fear and live with this lingering sensation that becomes projected on the closest loved one who may ‘find them out.’

                     Since the narcissist does not want to accept that they feel fear or insecurities, they cannot feel vulnerable. This makes it difficult to create and maintain close intimate relationships. The narcissist is constantly displaying this flawless sense of self-importance and perfection to the point where the true human beneath that is hidden from those that the narcissist considers the most important.

                     Lack of empathy means that the narcissist cannot work or communicate in a group setting because only their wants, needs, and thoughts are what truly exists in their world.

Narcissistic Victim Syndrome: When an Empath Meets a Narcissist

There exists an infinite amount of research and literature on narcissistic personality traits and narcissistic personality disorder, as well as the abuse inflicted upon those who get sucked into the cycle of abuse. But within the past decade, an interest in the effects of this form of abuse has arisen and thus has a specific diagnosis that pertains the narcissistic abuse: narcissistic victim syndrome.

Narcissistic Victim Syndrome (NVS) is defined as a group of symptoms experienced by a person who is closely related to a narcissist. This person could be a child, an adult, or even an elderly person experiencing abuse by a caregiver or their children. It is a newly discovered term that has very minimal literature associated with it. Clinically, it can have defined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manuel (DSM) under C-PTSD (class C of post-traumatic stress disorder).

The experience of this disorder is precisely how a victim feels when they have been emotionally/psychologically abused. It may take years for a victim to realize that they were being abused and then seek help for it because it is so unrecognized. [9]Kim Saeed

lists six signs that may indicate you are suffering from NVS, and therefore, have been dealing with an emotional/psychological abuse committed by a narcissist.

Feeling alone. The feeling of being alone is constant. Although your partner or person you care for may be around you, you are constantly wishing that someone will come and comfort you. 

You are not enough: Not matter how much success you have achieved in your life, your partner or person in your life does not recognize it, no matter what. 

Your entire life is the relationship. Other interests, social events, and friends have evaporated and almost all of your mental and physical energy is put into ‘fixing’ or enduring the relationship. 

You compromise your values. You stop standing up for what you believe in to make your partner/abuser content. You have stopped behaving in ways that you feel are valuable or even started participating in behaviors that they value in the name of ‘being in love.’ Examples of this are participating in sexual activities you never would have in the past, or you have stopped tipping at restaurants because your abuser disapproves of it. 

You feel unworthy due to name-calling. Name-calling is meant to hurt you, no matter how many times a person in your life may claim that they are ‘only joking’ and that you are ‘too sensitive’. There is nothing about their life that gives them the excuse to demean you, ever. 

You are exhausted by the cycle of abuse. The constant cycle of abuse relies on the carousel ride of hurt and rescue. The abuser often applies the silent treatment as a tactic to evoke your fear of abandonment, but then returns, making their victim feel relief. This cycle is repeated over and over again, which further weakens the resolve of the victim, lowering their standards and allowing more inappropriate behavior out of fear of abandonment. 

If any of these feelings reside within you, you are dealing with emotional/psychological abuse. Because the diagnosis of the syndrome is so new, treatment options will vary. A narcissist is not as easy to identify as is written out in this book. Most narcissists, especially those in domestic relationships, initially appear wonderful–full of charm, excitement, romance, and security. It is only when you have been won over that the true hideousness that this person has been hiding will be revealed.

Falling for Them Again: The Codependent Relationship

Codependency is defined as excessive emotional and psychological reliance on a person, one of whom usually has mental or physical health issues or substance abuse disorder. A codependent romantic relationship is when a person derives confidence and self-esteem from taking care of their partner who may seem to be in constant crisis.

As previously described, narcissists are individuals who are only aware of their inner world–their emotions, their thoughts, their experiences, their memories. The concept of empathy is an empty void within their emotional capability, so relaying a narcissist how you feel is a waste of time, no matter how detailed your description may be. On the other hand, a person with a codependent personality is the opposite—the feeling of deep empath and pride themselves on ‘fixing’ or ‘saving’ other people. Therefore, relationships between narcissists and codependents often thrive based on their opposing traits that continuously feed upon one another’s subconscious needs. An emotionally/psychologically abusive narcissist requires constant support and praise about their abilities due to their deep-seated fear of rejection, so the codependent feeds this need because they function and value themselves through helping others.

If your interpretation as to whether or not you or a friend who is being abused may possess these personality traits, take a read over these 6 identifying traits of a codependent individual, written by Shawn M. Burn from [10]Psychology Today:

You have an unearthly pattern of being responsible for other's behavior and to want to save them from their issues.

Your self-esteem gets boosted by the concept of self-sacrificing yourself for others.

You stay in detrimental caretaking relationships despite the negative toll on you and your relationships.

You consistently try to take care of troubled people whose issues are much larger than what you can handle alone.

You attract people who are seeking someone to take care of them.

You have a pattern of engaging with well-intentioned behavior to help others, but it constantly becomes unhealthy for you.

Codependents generally have a difficult time realizing that they attract narcissists in their lives, or that a parent or partner into the past may have begun this pattern of behavior. The complementary nature of codependents and narcissist makes it harder to identify and recognize when the relationship is unhealthy and toxic. Everything flows perfectly, seemingly at least, so why would anyone want to stop it?

It takes a long time for codependents to identify what is occurring to them as abuse because they believe so strongly in the power of their dedication; they mistake self-sacrifice and giving for love. This can happen when a child takes care of a parent with an addiction, or a person believes they are taking care of their partner when they are being emotionally abusive. The codependent views them as needing to be saved, so they do, over and over again, waiting for the chance to receive an equal amount of dedication in return. This, of course, never comes because all the narcissist requires is to be taken care of and constantly reassured.

Codependents believe that they are only valuable through their actions– what they give, rather than being wanted as partner/child/friend for the positive qualities possess. Their low self-esteem allows them to believe that no one would love them for who they truly are, so they continue this constant giving toward their narcissistic partner. The partner or parent continues to thrive because, through the systematically emotional/psychological abuse, they can utilize a useful tool on their sensitive codependent. Guilt, name-calling, and belittling are all useful tools in the narcissist toolbox because it keeps the codependent in place, maintains low self-esteem, and maintains the flow of caretaking without reciprocation.

If you feel that you identify as a codependent, please read over the list written above a few more times. It is not uncommon for people to return to their abusers, whether it be in a relationship or familial relation. It takes time to realize that your relationship is unhealthy and not a positive influence in your life. When this occurs in romantic relationships, especially long-term ones, it is normal for the abused/codependent to feel as if they could never find anyone in their lives that would treat them better.

This book is here to tell you that that statement is untrue. It is more than possible for you to self-reflect and to learn to identify behaviors and tendencies that led you back to engaging with narcissistic people. It is very possible to rebuild your sense of self-esteem and confidence that the narcissist managed to pull down your entire life.

Differences Between Other Disorders of Similar Nature: The Borderline and Histrionic Personality

Abusive personalities do not always fall under the category of a Narcissistic Personality. Several other disorders can be abusive and still manage to follow the cycled pattern of abuse. Here, three of the most commonly confused disorders will be discussed and how they relate to patterns of abuse.

There are gender biases when it comes to certain disorders and their diagnoses about behavior and how they can often be classified as gender specific. For example, women are more likely to be diagnosed with a histrionic personality disorder or borderline disorder than narcissistic personality disorder due to the expected emotionality of a woman. Men are more likely, as abusers, to be diagnosed with a narcissistic personality disorder because of the power privilege notion, where it is expected for men to act more aggressively and controlling due to their gender. These gender disparities will be discussed more in-depth in a later chapter of the book.

Borderline Personality Disorder

Borderline Personality Disorder is a disorder is so dominant that it falls into the category of personality disorders within the diagnosis of the diagnostic statistical manual (DSM-V). Nine specific symptoms are described within the manual, which was published in 2013 (the most recent version). These symptoms are divided up into five separate categories, or domains, as they are termed within the DSM-V. Of the nine symptoms, a person must express five of them to be diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. They are listed as follows:

Domain A: Constant, intense, unstable, and poorly regulated emotional reactions.

Affective instability that includes an extreme experience of anger, irritability, and anxiety/panic attacks.

Anger that is inappropriate contextually and difficult to regulate and control

Constant sensations of emptiness.

Domain B: Behavior that is impulsive, as well as harmful to the individual and others.

Excessive spending, unsafe sexual conduct, substance use, binge eat, and reckless driving.

Reoccurring suicidal thoughts and behavior, such as self-injury (cutting or hitting oneself), that are usually done when under stress.

This category includes any other behaviors that fall under the category of self-harm or behaviors that cause damage to properties or others.

Domain C: Distorted perceptions of self; high levels of suspiciousness.

A constant unstable self-image or sense of self, as well as self-identity.

Suspiciousness of others and what they think of you. Paranoid beliefs and constant stress related episodes during the individual feels like the surroundings are unreal.

Other symptoms that could fall under this category are all-or-nothing thinking difficulty lining up thoughts and an inability to develop rational problem-solving skills within social conflicts.

Domain D: The experience of tumultuous and extremely unstable relationships.

Going to extreme efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

The individual may go back and forth between idealizing a relationship and severely undermining it. These relationships are marked are intensity and instability.

An individual may also have heavily dependent traits and behavior in important relationships. The individual may expect negative behaviors from others and have difficultly reasoning clearly in stressful social situations.

As an Abuser

There is a similarity between Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder, which is the constant fear of abandonment. The difference between these two disorders is the reaction to the real or perceived concepts of that abandonment.

A person with a borderline personality disorder is more likely to feel reactive because they are capable of some level of empathy and understanding where they perceive a person might leave them. A person with a narcissistic personality disorder may interpret this sensation and feel only concern for themselves and how the perceived behavior is making them feel.

It is believed that those with Borderline Personality Disorder have experienced some form of abandonment in their life that greatly stunts their emotional development as well as the ability to appropriately relate to others. It is said that due to their inability to control their anger, they are more likely than the general population to be verbally/emotionally/psychologically abusive.

An article was written by AJ Maharion, [11]Mental Health Matters, describes at length the link between this stunted emotional growth and the expression of rage when it comes to abusive behavior:

Intra-Psychic Pain: Sitting at the Root

If a person with Borderline Personality Disorder gets close to another, especially in an intimate romantic relationship, instead of experiencing feelings of joy and elation, they experience fear and panic. They are going backward in their minds to unresolved pain of abandonment that they had previously experienced. This raises maladaptive defenses that the borderline had previously applied in their past experience of pain. The fear, panic, and rage rise from the association with this past experience, almost any attempt to ‘re-do’ correctly what they perceived as incorrect in the past. When a borderline person gets close to another, they are simply afraid that due to this closeness, something similar will happen to them that had previously happened in the past. 

Borderline Rage

Anger is one of the main emotions experienced by a person with a borderline personality disorder. It is believed that this is due to an association with childhood responses, whereas rage acts as a primal feeling generated to protect the self and to entice the caregiver to return back to caring for the infant. It is believed that the anger expressed by a person with a borderline personality disorder is so intense because it precedes cognitive and verbal development. 

Anger then becomes associated with survival. If the borderline has achieved closeness in a relationship with a non-borderline, if they exhibit behavior that is not 100% paying keen attention to their partner, this intense rage can be triggered. It can be triggered by something minimal, but the borderline does not have a regulated sense of emotions and perceives this act as evidence of abandonment, so reverts back to an expression of this rage to help them survive. This rage is always sitting at the surface, which is why the experience of it can often be perceived by the partner as surprising and abrupt. 

Abuse by the person with a borderline personality disorder is expressed differently. Some are very direct, with verbal insults, yelling and screaming, and throwing things, whereas others are more passive-aggressive with their rage. Borderlines do not have a gathered sense of self, that's why they can also experience sensations of dissociation. Their experience of past abandonment constantly messes with experiences of the presently perceived abandonment behaviors. 

So then, a cycle goes on and on; anything short of intense symbiotic connection that is uninterrupted will cause the borderline to perceive the relationship as going downhill, so the anticipation of the pain occurs as well as the pain associated with the actual abandonment. Abusive behaviors are more likely to occur during the times the combination of rage and vulnerability hit an apex. It repeats itself, as the borderline has no idea what they are doing at the time connotes abuse. Some are capable of self-reflection and realize that they have acted poorly. But, in general, those are not aware of their emotions or how they can behave differently or help themselves in the future. Oftentimes, due to the abuse, the abused actually do leave the borderline, which leads to their worst fears coming into fruition and the likelihood of self-injurious and suicidal behavior.

As the Abused

A study done in 2016 found that emotional abuse was the most significant type of abuse in later diagnosed borderline personality disorder. Those who have experienced sexual and physical abuse who have adult diagnosed borderline personality disorder exist as 40-76% in those who were sexually abused and 25-73% in those who were physically abused. The most studied form of abuse and the link between borderline personality is maltreatment and neglect, whose relationship has been conclusively demonstrated.

Although there is not a lot more conclusive evidence of the link between childhood emotional/psychological abuse and the development of borderline personality, there are several attempts at exploring the symptoms and links behaviorally.[12] Helena Wang wrote an article on the proposed link between childhood abuse and BPD by describing Rejection Sensitivity and Negative Affectivity:

Rejection Sensitivity

This trait of vulnerability is high amongst those diagnosed with orderly’s personality disorder. It is marked as being even higher than those with anxiety disorders. This trait is characterized by an intense expectation of rejection from others and a higher likelihood to interpret behaviors as rejection by their peers in social interactions. Due to this sensitivity, the child will misinterpret ambiguous social interactions as being the favor of rejection, where in reality it is mild or nonexistent. They often find social interactions be more stressful than their peers. Emotions such as frustration, anger, or anxiety expressed by a peer can easily be seen as rejection.

Generally, children with this sensitivity will develop two main coping mechanisms: avoidance and over-attachment. Both are present within the behavioral framework of a person with a borderline personality disorder and often diagnosed within the same person. They can simultaneously express these coping mechanisms as they grow older in ways of avoiding social interactions to stay away from the possibility of rejection while also forming intense close relationships with a select few friends. They simply want both a close relationship and fear it at the same time.

Negative Affectivity

This trait is described as possessing a tendency to be easily bothered by emotionally triggering events and feel associated with negative emotions concerning those triggers. This is the trait that is responsible for the intense experience of emotions that the BP experiences. When children with higher negative affectivity are emotionally/psychologically abused their emotional and social growth is hindered and continue to feel these intense emotions and become easily triggered by other emotions. A child with less negative affectivity will consequently be less likely to have their emotional and social development hindered, and thus, less likely to develop a borderline personality disorder.

Thought suppression, a form of therapy applied to treat borderline personality disorder, was once known to significantly decrease the effect of negative affectivity during the development of borderline personality disorder. The practice is when individuals attempt to consciously disassociate themselves from their negative thoughts. This act is overall maladaptive and harmful for the individual practicing it, as well as for anyone with mental health issues. This is because encouraging further disassociations will make it harder to switch the borderline individual back into feeling their emotions and learning to deal with them directly.

Histrionic Personality Disorder

Histrionic Personality Disorder is a personality disorder described in the DSM-V. This is significantly less known than the other three described in this section, especially when it relates to emotional abuse.

The DSM-V states that for a diagnosis of histrionic personality disorder, five or more of the following listed symptoms must be present:

Severely self-centered; feels uncomfortable when the attention is not on them.

Constantly seeks approval and reassurance

Often dresses inappropriately in a seductive manner/behaves in an overly inappropriate seductive manner

Constantly altering emotional states that appear phony to others.

Overly obsessive about physical appearance. Uses appearances to draw attention to themselves.

Opinions are easily influenced by others

Expresses exaggerated emotions

Is highly suggestible

Tends to believe that relationships are more intimate than they actually are

This personality is more commonly diagnosed in women, but it is believed that this is due to the gender disparity previously noted. Attention-seeking and sexual assertiveness are less socially acceptable for women, therefore, when this is present, it is faster to be seen as a behavior of a disorder in women than in men.

Usually, people with this personality disorder seek treatment for secondary issues, like when their relationship with their romantic partner ends.

They can develop depression due to the overly inflated notion of certain relationships in their lives. It is difficult to note when an occurrence is realistic with a person with this disorder because they often exaggerate. They often cannot see a situation in a realistic light. The form of therapy usually applied for those with a histrionic personality disorder is psychotherapy due to the commonality of them seeking treatment for their depression. They may break boundaries set by the therapist and feel emotionally needy toward the therapist.

As the Abuser

Those with histrionic personality disorder are not often identified as abusers because of their emotional sensitivity–a tendency toward depression, the tendency to be overly dramatic and emotional, as well as their sensitivity toward criticism. There have been links in diagnoses of histrionic personality with an antisocial personality disorder. Many people often confuse antisocial personality disorder with psychopathy.

But, once again, about gender disparities, generally men were being diagnosed with anti-social personality. This was more than likely again due to stereotyping the way men and women are expected to behave. 2/3 of individual women who were treated and assessed also met the criteria for antisocial personality disorder.

As the Abused

There is a general link between childhood-suffered abuse and the development of personality disorders. Personality disorders are different from other disorders in the sense that they manifest intensely and throughout the entire expression of the person. Anxiety disorders, psychotic disorders, and mood disorders are focal and generally stay within a couple of portions of that individual’s life. This allows treatment to be easier for these people because the disorder is not embedded within their personality. As previously discussed, there are several forms of abuse, and it is in several forms that different personality disorders are more likely to develop. In the case of borderline personality, antisocial, and schizotypal, physical, and sexual abuse was mainly associated.

Neglect and maltreat, as well as emotional/psychological was mainly liked to borderline personality disorder. There is very little research done on the histrionic personality and its link to abuse, but it has been estimated in general that a histrionic personality, along with all the other personality disorders, can be linked to some form of childhood trauma.

Halting the Cycle: What to Do

The first step is to identify the cycle of abuse and to follow through on identifying your codependent tendencies. Here, both will be reiterated as was previously stated in other chapters. When a child or elderly person is being abused, it is harder for them to notice the cycle of abuse and put a halt to it themselves. Therefore, this section is relevant to those who may be around a person of whom they are suspecting is being emotionally/psychologically abused.

In Domestic Relationships

As previously stated, the general cycle of abuse flows as tension building, incident, reconciliation, and calm. In a romantic relationship, it is more than likely most common to identify an emotionally/psychologically abusive situation during the incident and reconciliation situation. An article written about domestic violence/abuse from [13]Help Guide identifies questions one can ask about themselves or their partner:

Do you feel afraid of your partner?

Do you avoid topics out of fear of angering them?

Do you believe you deserve to be hurt or not treated well?

Do you wonder about your own sanity?

Do you feel numb or helpfulness?

Does your partner humiliate you often?

Does your partner blame you for their abusive behavior?

Does your partner put you down for your accomplishments?

Does your partner see you as an object rather than a person?

Does your partner force you into sexual intercourse?

Does your partner threaten you with violence?

Does your partner threaten suicide?

Does your partner keep you from seeing friends or family?

Does your partner constantly check up on you?

Does your partner have an unpredictable temper?

If the answer to most of these questions is yes, then it is likely that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. Realizing this is very important. The very first step in recognizing that the behavior your partner is committing is abuse.

The next step is realizing that it is not your fault. There is never any circumstance in an abusive situation where the fault lies in the abused. This is a fallacy that the abuser attempts to convince their victim over a long period of cyclic behaviors. This is a huge step and usually, don’t have a fair amount of effort through the support of loved ones. This must occur by no longer making any excuses for the abuse; no matter how unintelligent, unreliable, or undesirable you believe you are, there is no excuse for behavior that is abusive. The abuser wants you to think that no one else will be able to love you as they do, therefore, you do not think leaving is possible or practical. This is the key to the narcissist’s malevolent tactics.

Once it is recognized that you are being abused, and you are convinced that it is not your fault, it is time to begin documenting everything. Now, the concept of leaving is realistic and possible. This is very important if you have children or are married. Journal entries are a tactic, or even audio/visual recordings, if possible, are good ideas should it be available. If the abuse is physical, attaining a restraining order would be very important too. Keep the documents in a safe place that your partner cannot locate or even at someone’s house that you trust.

Packing an emergency bag is very important. This too can be kept at a person’s house in whom you trust. Keep anything essential to a couple of days or even a week of functioning, such as medication, identification, and money. Abusive situations can escalate very quickly, and you have to be ready to leave at a moment’s notice.

Alerting your family and friends is a good decision once you or someone who is being abused can admit that they are in an abusive situation. The support of people you love and who love you is highly important during this difficult time. The abuser may have been masterful at separating you from those you love to avoid support of leaving. Once you realize you are being abused, trying to reach out to family and friends again is something that may be difficult, especially if the abuser was successful in keeping you separated. But stay dedicated and realize that the separation created is another tactic your abuser applies.

Finally, the act of leaving and completely disengaging from this partner is the most crucial activity to participate in to begin the process of healing. The act of leaving is both physical and mental. An abuser can react to this separation with unkind acts or flowers in an attempt to continue the cycle of abuse. You should realize that these behaviors are them trying to bring you back and keep you controlled. Make the effort to block the abuser on social media, email, and phone number, along with your restraining order. Remind yourself that this person injured you, whether it be physically or emotionally. This person is not going to stop their behavior. You cannot love them out of their abuse. The only way it will stop is for you to leave the situation and begin identifying your tendencies toward codependent behavior.

How to Avoid Manipulation

Beyond the realm of emotional abuse, there are various ways that you can detect how others are trying to manipulate you and how to avoid it. An article from the website [14]The Power of Positivity lists 11 ways that this can be done.

Don’t fall into their trap. People who try to manipulate others will try to do so in any way possible. If you cannot avoid these people, especially those who are in your family or who you work with, try ignoring them or responding with something kind, rather than falling into their trap of reacting to their prodding. Their goal is often to get a rise out of you, so if you don’t react in the way that they want you to. They will eventually leave you alone.

Start writing down what they say during conversations. Emotional manipulators will often use what has been said or contort what they believe has been said to benefit them. If you don’t have this recorded, you could begin doubting yourself and believe the lies that they are telling you. If you start writing things down, you will have tangible evidence that they are trying to manipulate you.

They will more than likely become angry if you confront them with this information, but if you remain persistent and protect yourself from their reactions, they will stop trying to toy with you.

Steer clear. If it is possible, try to stay away from people that you feel are emotionally manipulative. If you are a person that feels you can read the energy of others, if you feel something negative coming off of them, try to stay away. Trust your intuition in knowing that this person is not good for your mental health. Do what you can in a workplace or familiar situation to avoid contact.

Call them out on their behavior. Emotional manipulators have more than likely rarely been called out for their abusive actions. If push comes to shove, you must stand up for yourself and inform them about how uncomfortable they are making you, and that you are aware you are being taken advantage of. Even if their reaction is greatly aggressive, at least you know that you indeed stood up for yourself and they know you are not going to take this kind of treatment anymore.

Avoid emotional attachment. This is easier to say when you first meet a person, and their true manipulative self-reveals itself early on. But if the person has successfully conned you, which is often the case in emotionally abusive situations, try your best to recognize that their behavior is not good for you, back away, and create healthy boundaries. The more attached you are to this person, the easier it will be for this person to manipulate you.

Meditate. Meditation can help you self-reflect and to look at yourself and others with compassion. It is helpful while dealing with an emotionally manipulative person because nothing they do will effect how you are feeling. Again, this person may tire of you and move on. It is not your job to change the person, so don’t worry too much about the story behind why this person is the way that they are.

Inspire them. If you are feeling so inclined, perhaps you can suggest some methods you used to help yourself becoming your own best self. Again, it is not your job to change this person, but making positive suggestions could turn around the energy of negativity they are so used to thriving on.

Tell them “You’re right”. This may be hard for your ego, but if you let the manipulator know that they are right, you are instantly cutting off the drama portion of what they feed off of. There is no space for arguments, so they will tire of you.

                     Let go of harmful relationships. This is in relationship to a romantic or close relationship with a person of whom is very manipulative. Your mental health is important, and if you have tried to help this person and they continue abusing you, their fate is in their own hands. You should let go of this person and choose to find your way through life without being constantly emotionally drained and pained.

                     Develop a strong mentality. Insults or ways that manipulators try to wind people up will not affect you if you choose not to let it. If you are insecure or not confident, try to admit this to yourself so you can move forward and develop this to avoid allowing anyone else to use or hurt you.

                     Give yourself positive self-talk: A good mood can be completely ruined by a talented manipulator, so if they are making you feel particularly agitated one day, try various methods of self-talk with yourself. Try to remember that you are your person, and that your interpretation of yourself cannot be affected by a person who only has a selfish agenda. You can find various affirmations online or on apps on your phone. Like most of these tactics, you will eventually at least appear unaffected to the manipulator, so they will move forward and away from bothering you.

This chapter ends the discussion on what manipulation is, and manipulators use their tactics to get what they want. You may have observed some of the vulnerable traits in yourself, but now, you have learned ways in which you can combat this kind of behavior.

Chapter 6: The Art of Persuasion

This chapter is going to discuss the various techniques and skills that people utilize to persuade people into doing what they want. This term is often used in the advertising and marketing world, as ads are aimed to persuade viewers into believing the message and eventually purchasing the product. We will fist discuss how people in our everyday lives use persuasion to influence our behavior, and then how it is used on a grander scale.

The difference between manipulation and persuasion lies within three factors:

The intent behind your desire to persuade the other person.

The truthfulness and transparency of the process.

The net benefit or impact on that person.

Persuasion is often seen as manipulation’s less devious cousin because it can be done in a way that is less morally questionable and to achieve goals that do not only benefit the person acting upon it. For example, if your friend has dumped someone that you already didn’t like and of whom you found out was being unfaithful, yet your friend is thinking about going back to them, without informing them of the reasoning, you could persuade your friend into not getting back with them. This action greatly benefits the friend, as it does you, because you no longer have to deal with this person. Manipulation, on the other hand, always has devious tactics and mostly involves the skillful use of lies. In a similar scenario, perhaps your friend is crushing on someone of whom you are attracted to. You manipulate your friend into not pursuing this person by telling them supposed rumors about their terrible behavior. Your friend stops wanting them, so now you are free to pursue them. This is done only for your advantage and is thus very manipulative, as well as generally being considered immoral.

Persuasion is a word often referred to in advertising, marketing strategies, and social media platforms. The goal of any product, service, or social media influencer (which includes photographers, models, musicians, actors, etc.) is to catch an audience with what they are offering. Therefore, they must persuade anyone and everyone they can get the attention of, into finding what they are offering appealing. People in our lives also persuade us, sometimes, in ways that benefit both us and them or in ways that only benefit them, such as the tactics employed in advertising. Like manipulators, persuasion can involve various definitions of what is the truth.

Psychological Theories of Influence and Persuasion

The following is a list of 10 psychological theories of influence and persuasion, collected by Dave Striker of Changing Minds. These can refer to the philosophies employed by marketers or by individuals when trying to persuade or influence another person:

Amplification Hypothesis: Displaying certainty about a specific attitude when talking with another person will increase and further harden that attitude. If it is uncertain, the opposite will happen; the attitude will further soften off the other person. An example of this is when a person is expressing an opinion about a movie; you will vague agree with one section of their opinion while you intensely agree with another that you feel is more accurate. 

Conversion Theory: The minority in a group can affect influencing those in the majority. Usually, those in the majority who are most susceptible to being influenced are those who joined the majority because it was easy. Confident minority voices are those of whom are most effective in influencing others onto their side.

Information Manipulation Theory: This involves a person deliberately breaking one of the four conversational assumptions we make when interacting with others: 

Quantity: Information is complete.

Quality: Information is truthful and accurate.

Relation: Information is relevant to the conversation.

Manner: Information is expressed in an easy way to understand, and non-verbal actions support the tone of the statement. 

A simple example of this is when someone lies to get out of being punished for their behavior. A person will lie about missing a dinner party, by saying that they were recently dumped, so they avoid being scolded by friends and family. 

Priming: A person can easily be influenced by stimuli that affect how they perceive short-term thoughts and actions. A good example of this is when a magician uses certain words throughout their performance, which primes people to think of that word when they perform their ‘mind-reading’ section.

Reciprocity Norm: This is very common and is the obligation most people feel to return favors when a favor is done for us.

Scarcity Principle: What you want is in short supply; retail sellers often use this tactic to make more people buy their product. This makes people believe that they miss out on the chance to get a service or product if they do not act now. 

Sleeper Effect: The persuasiveness of a message tends to fade over time, but the sleeper effect has shown that sometimes when a message becomes disassociated with a discredited source, the effect of the message becomes more powerful. For example, if someone tells me about the quality of a car, and I know that that person knows nothing about cars, I will not feel like its valuable. But, eventually, once I dissociate with who that information came from, I could feel that the information makes sense in my mind.

Social Influence: This one comes as a no-brainer. We are easily and strongly influenced by others base on how we perceive our relationship with the influencer. If a big company like Coca-Cola positively reviewed another company, we are more than likely to take their word for it because of their success and how we feel about them.

Yale Attitude Change Approach: This approach was based on many years of research conducted at Yale University. It found that several factors in persuasive speech influence the success of the messages:

The speaker should be credible and attractive to the audience. 

Messages should not appear designed to persuade.

Present two-sided arguments and refute the identified ‘wrong’ argument.

If two people are speaking one after the other, it is best to go first.

If two people are speaking with a delay between them, then it is best to go last.

The nature of the audience should be as follows: easily distracted, lower intelligence, and good self-esteem, and between the ages of 18-25.

                     Ultimate Terms: Certain words carry more power than others. There are three categories of persuasive words: 

God terms - Those words that carry blessings or demand sacrifice/obedience. Examples are the words ‘progress’ and ‘value’.

Devil Terms - Terms that are despised and evoke disgust. Examples are ‘fascist’ and ‘pedophile’.

Charismatic terms - Terms that are intangible and less observable than the God or Devil terms. Examples are ‘freedom' and ‘contribution’.

Techniques of Persuasion You Can Apply

The following is a list of techniques that are more applicable in an everyday scenario. Feel free to try them out in ways that are more or less wholesome and do not rely on the damaging of others:

Appealing to Authority: Important people or experts help your argument seem more convincing. You can use reliable research to appear as if (or perhaps you have) meticulously researched the subject and know what you are talking about.

Appeal to Reason: Facts, numbers, and direct information are very persuading to people listening.

Appeal to Emotion: This works more often when the person is particularly emotional. Trying to elicit an emotion that is motivating will help you get what you want from a person.

Appeal to Trust: Those who are close to you are going to trust your moves than those of who are less close. They believe you, so it is easier for you to persuade them.

Plain Folks: People are more likely to believe you if you appear to be more average; this means that you are relatable, rather than not.

Bandwagon: Using quotes on how many people like something or do sometimes help people believe an argument.

Rhetorical Question: These questions help state the obvious and make the listener believe that you know what they want.

Repetition: The repeating of information is more than likely going to help a person remember what is being told to them.

Remember, when you try to persuade someone, try to take into account your reasons for wanting to do so. This goes the same for manipulation. It is far less likely that you are going to fall into the dark personality categories that were previously described, so don’t feel too guilty about wanting to read this book. If you are looking for more marketing strategies about persuasion, the internet is full of them.

Chapter 7: A History of Mind Control

When most people think about mind control, they think about psychics and superheroes. They think about people who can, somehow, get into the brain matter of another person, into their thoughts, and begin controlling what they are doing or thinking. This has a very magical sensation to it–a supernatural notion that many people believe are behind the secrets of what books and the internet call mind control. Unfortunately, there does not exist a kind of mind control that is most like the fables we see in film and books, so try to let that disappointment die down for now. What this chapter is going to explore is the division of the definitions of what is often categorized as mind control, while the immediate chapter that follows will introduce some specific techniques that you can apply in your daily life.

Project MKUltra

Also known as the CIA mind control program, these secret goings-on used human subjects experimentally, sometimes applying legal methods, other times not. These experiments were done to identify and develop drugs that could be used in interrogation settings and encourage confessions. The program officially began in 1953 and put to halt in 1973. The legitimacy was often questioned to the use of unwilling American and Canadian subjects of whom were often administered many mind-altering drugs isolated and abused many times. Many documents have since been destroyed when public attention was brought into the mix.

[15]One of those documents though from 1955 was somehow recovered and listed 17 goals of the experimentation and what results the created substances must produce:

Substances which will promote illogical thinking and impulsiveness to the point where the recipient would be discredited in public.

Substances that increase the efficiency of mentation and perception.

Materials which will cause the victim to age faster/slower in maturity.

Materials which will promote the intoxicating effect of alcohol.

Materials which will produce the signs and symptoms of recognized diseases reversibly so they may be used for malingering, etc.

Materials which will cause temporary/permanent brain damage and loss of memory.

Substances which will enhance the ability of individuals to withstand privation, torture, and coercion during interrogation and so-called "brainwashing".

Materials and physical methods which will produce amnesia for events preceding and during their use.

Physical methods of producing shock and confusion over extended periods and capable of surreptitious use.

                Substances that produce physical disablement such as paralysis of the legs, acute anemia, etc.

                Substances which will produce a chemical that can cause blisters.

                Substances which alter personality structure in such a way the tendency of the recipient to become dependent upon another person is enhanced.

                A material that will cause mental confusion of such a type the individual under its influence will find it difficult to maintain a fabrication under questioning.

                Substances which will lower the ambition and general working efficiency of men when administered in undetectable amounts.

                Substances that promote weakness or distortion of the eyesight or hearing faculties, preferably without permanent effects.

                A knockout pill which can be surreptitiously administered in drinks, food, cigarettes, as an aerosol, etc., which will be safe to use, provide a maximum of amnesia, and be suitable for use by agent types on an ad hoc basis.

                A material that can be surreptitiously administered by the above routes and which in very small amounts will make it impossible for a person to perform physical activity.

The program essentially applied heavy use of various drugs on some unwilling individuals to develop substances and materials that have a heavy influence over their behavior. In this context, they wanted to get any supposed spy to confess and to flush out the truth against their own will.

Some of the more specific drugs and techniques applied within the MKUltra Program are as follows:

LSD: The CIA focused heavily on this hallucinogenic drug because of its profound impact on those who have been known to use it. Lysergic acid diethylamide (LSD) was administered immediately in 1953 to psychiatric patients, prisoners, and those with drug dependency, as well as sex workers. The reason they chose these individuals was because they believed they ‘could not fight back’. They also studied the reactions of other CIA employees, military individuals, doctors, and other government agents. As previously mentioned, this was often done without the person’s knowledge, which aided in the manipulation that took place once the effects of the drug had kicked in. In some instances, individuals were administered LSD without consenting, interrogated under bright lights, and told that they would further extend their trip if they did not reveal their deepest darkest secrets. In another instance, fake brothels were built on CIA headquarters, and after giving the agents LSD, observed them entering these areas that had been equipped with two-way mirrors. The goal of applying this drug was to help get the truth out of interrogations and to control agents and soldiers like a robot. LSD became less of a priority in 1962 when researchers realized that the results of LSD use were too unpredictable.

Amphetamine and Barbiturates: A barbiturate is a drug that acts to depress the central nervous system, whereas amphetamine is a stimulant. Researchers would inject a barbiturate first into the subject, and once they began to fall asleep, injected the amphetamine. This experiment receives moderate success as the person would often awake suddenly, initially incoherent, but able to answer questions without much hostility.

Hypnosis: The practice of hypnosis was utilized during many research sessions of MKultra. The goal was creating fake anxiety, increase the ability to understand complex martial, and to observe the relationship between personality type and susceptibility to hypnosis. They also observed instances of induced amnesia. Hypnosis will be reviewed in further detail in the next chapter.

Many different hallucinogens, stimulants, and depressants were used on the subjects of MKultra. All of this was done in the name of creating alternate reactions to the brainwashing attempts of the Soviet and Chinese government at the time. The lack of organization, the immorality, the lack of an ethical approach, and the destruction of documents made MKultra an occurrence of whose impact is still not truly known. Many individuals’ mental health was ruined for life, while an unknown number of deaths have echoed beyond its final decision to shut down in the 1970s. Alas, there were very minimal positive results of this program but inspired many popular culture references and backdrops many famous films and television series.

Brainwashing

This term is often lumped together with the notion of mind control. Like the MKUltra experiments, they do not involve a supernatural element that will allow you to make someone you don’t like act silly in public, but various complex theories that work to influence another person’s beliefs, which further influences their actions.

The original discussion on the notion of brainwashing was developed in the 1950s in an attempt to explain how the Chinese government seemed to make those around them comply with their desires.

It was also observed by looking at the tactics of Nazi Germany, some criminal behaviors in the United States, actions of human traffickers, and abrupt conversations into the religious and cult movement. Brainwashing is generally not looked at as a psychological conduit but a pseudoscientific practice.

The first known use of the term brainwashing in the English-Language was by outspoken journalist Edward Hunter in 1950. In an article, he spoke about the Korean War and how some American prisoners of war had cooperated with their captors due to this supposed brainwashing. Researchers studied the various POWs who returned home after the Korean War and found little evidence to indicate that the opposing side had applied any methods of what could be classified as the brainwashing of an American.

The actual word brainwashing came from the Chinese word, which meant ‘wash brain’, was originally used to describe the persuasive government of Maoist China. Their goal was to transform those of whom were too ‘reactionary’ to people who were ‘right-thinking’ people. It was further popularized by the publishing of George Orwell’s dystopian fiction, 1984, released in 1959. Within the novel, the main character is imprisoned and tortured, so he conforms his thoughts to a fictional totalitarian society. This notion of mind control became enhanced once many films used brainwashing to turn prisoners of war against their homeland. Science fiction quickly used the concept of mind control as a strong theme in many novels between the 1940s and 1960s. This marinated the concept of brainwashing within the minds of many observers as something entirely based in reality.

Famous Instances

Because the notion of brainwashing had been embedded in society’s mind since the Korean War, as well as the growing awareness of the MKUltra project, lawyers began using the term as a method of defending their clients. One of the most famous instances of this is the influence that Charles Manson had over his followers, and of whom he supposedly brainwashed into committing murder as well as other crimes.

Other known crimes, such as the kidnapping of Patty Hearst and the subsequent brainwashing she underwent to be influenced to rob a bank, brought the notion of negative influence into the public mind centrally.

Human Trafficking

A woman who is the co-founder of the United Nation's non-government run organization wrote a book in 1979 about the fluctuation of human trafficking. Kathleen Barry describes techniques that were very similar to those that had been used by supposed cult leaders, such as Charles Manson. Some of the techniques Barry explained are listed as follows:

Feigning love and concern for the victim’s well-being

Gaining trust before beginning to track every aspect of the victim’s life

Control of victim’s environment, relationships, and daily activities

Promising financial gain

Corrupt marriage proposals

Keeping the victim in debt to the perpetrator

Induced drug dependency

Fear tactics that include threats about deportation, law enforcement, and harm to family members and friends

Physical captivity

        Shaming and guilting

        Stockholm Syndrome - the development of a hostage to develop a psychological alliance with their captors during captivity.

        Traumatic Bonding - this occurs as a result of ongoing cycles of abuse when the intermittent reinforcement of reward and punishment creates an intense bond, that is often resistant to change.

These techniques have also been observed to occur within cult groups that formed around the 60s and 70s, as well as some that may be thriving today.

A Psychological Description

In simplicity, the notion of brainwashing is noted within the canals of psychology as social influence. Social influence is something that happens constantly, every day, wherever you go. What it relies on is not a single magical spell or technique that moves you in an entirely opposing directly instantaneously. It is a collection of methods that are used to alter a person’s behavior, attitudes, beliefs, and behavior. Within this definition, it is easy to see how the previously describes methods of persuasion and manipulation fall under the concept of brainwashing. It is not always going to be something as high-brown and hush like government experiments; it could be your parent, your partner, or even your friendly neighborhood marketing team.

Marketing and Advertising Techniques

In today’s infinitely developing society of gadgets that seem to allow us to do everything and have access to every piece of information we desire, it is becoming increasingly easier to develop ways to influence consumers all over the globe. Most things that we like, don’t like, our opinions on certain political climates, on certain musical artists, movies, fashion senses, and even what type of lawnmower you use, are publicly available for anyone and everyone to see. Who we are, essentially, is plastered all over the Internet, which is a vast universe of at the fingertips of advertisers. Targeted advertising is much easier because being grabbed by an ad or offer can happen at any second of the day—through our phones, computers, TVs, or even when walking down the street near a billboard.

Mind control then within the world of marketing only needs to rely on a few psychological theories to reach out to their target audience. 14 of those are listed by Sydney Hatch of [16]Disruptive Advertising:

The People Mirrors: It has been a long-known fact that people tend to mirror the emotions of those around, particularly, the ones they know best. Within this digital age, many people express their emotions through social media platforms, such as Facebook and Twitter. This concept seems to exist within the confines of these platforms, with the absence of verbal cues and body language. Facebook engineers tweaked what over 600,000 users saw in their feeds so that more positive valence emotions were being seen. What was observed was staggering; those who saw more positive posts expressed more of their positivity, while those of whom observed mainly negative posts expressed negative emotion on their pages. The researchers called this emotional cognition. 

The Jingle Jam: A great way that companies get their customers to remember them is through the use of a catchy jingle. These are often so short and so catchy, that many people will recall the product and the ad years after the ad stops airing. Phone numbers, services, and sales are all recalled specifically due to a song that gets stuck in our heads. Psychologically this refers to the famous experiment of Ivan Pavlov and his dogs, where he rang a bell and then gave the pets a piece of meat. Eventually, he was able to condition the dogs to salivate after merely hearing the bell ring. An association was created, and this has been called classically conditioning. 

The Psychology of Color: This branch of psychology studies hues as a determinant of human behavior. Within the world of marketing, certain shades have been associated with certain emotions, especially ones that enhance the customer experience and increase in purchasing of products. Several industry norms have been tested for validity, such as the belief that red creates an emotion of urgency and that yellow is for Internet window-shoppers. 

The Fear of Missing out Feeling: Feeling excluded is an emotion that everyone can relate to. Marketers take advantage of this by making a consumer seem like they are somehow missing out on a product, service, or activity that everyone around them is partaking in. This may be the truth, or the projection may be a false reality. Retail outlets do this placing only a minimal number of products on a shelf, just in case you fear that the store will run out, where Internet ads warn you about the sale that is ‘almost over’. An impulse buy phenomenon tries to trigger the fight or flight sections of people's brains.

The Subtle Design: Most people in modern society do not want to believe that they are being fooled. Companies will use simple logos and implement subliminal messages, which are messages that are not easily perceived. This can be interpreted visually within a logo, in a store with certain sights, sounds, and smells.

The Sale: Is it hard for you to resist a good sale at your favorite store? Don’t worry, that is the case for most people. A theory in psychology called encoring states that people base decisions on the first piece of information they get. This happens in advertising when there are sales, and the initial price is placed next to the new, more appealing price. People are more likely to feel satisfied that they managed to save a good amount of money than just buying a product for its listed price.

The Consistency Comfort: All humans are creatures of habit. Of course, this helps in the world of advertising. Companies who follow a consistent look and theme of their product or service are much easier to trust and recall than ones that are all over the place. 

The Need of Images: People remember what they see 80% of the time more than the recollection of the 20% that they read. If a website or store is not visually appealing, people are less likely to want to shop there. Most ads on the street will utilize an image more than too much text.

The Serial Exposure: There is a reason that you see the same ads when you are watching your favorite TV program or going through various YouTube channels. If you are exposed to something more often, you are more likely to like it. If there is a certain style of shoes that you initially didn’t like, but see them all the time, you are more likely to begin likely them than to continuing detesting them. 

        The Power of Choice: People want to be independent, so advertisers, especially nowadays, have worked in various ways of allowing the customer to feel like they are in control.

        The options on menus and websites for various products are also limited because there is a point when too many options begin to detract from the experience. 

        The Emotion Message: Many studies have been conducted on ads and have shown that most people will respond to ads that have an emotional message, rather than those that have an intellectually one. Emotions help us make decisions, so we as humans often rely on them when we are purchasing a product or service. Depending upon your age and gender, certain ads will attempt to appeal to you more than others.

        The Created Community: People want to belong to groups, as we are all social beings. As this is not always a conscious effort, try thinking about an ad that you feel related to you. If you are a woman who has tattoos and piercings, and you see a woman who looks just like you in an ad about a certain music app or other product, you are more than likely going to recall that ad. This phenomenon is knowing as social herding. 

        The Give and Get: Most people feel uncomfortable if someone gives them a gift and they do not have one for them in return. This is called reciprocity, which is the idea that we naturally want to do nice things for people who have done nice things for us. Companies use this emotion by giving out free samples to customers or by offering a discount code. Nothing that is based on purchasing something, but often makes people feel like they need to buy something while within the store. 

        The Power of Three: Many advertisers use odd numbers to display products and to fool you into choosing the price of a more expensive product. They will place three options next to each other, making one look like a deal while the third may be somewhat useless and used to make you choose something costlier. 

Techniques to Be Aware of

As you have now learned, there are many ways that people, companies, groups, strangers, and friends use the techniques of mind control to get what they want. It may be impossible to become completely aware of them, especially when it comes to advertising, but in your personal life, there may be people who are trying to control you. They may be so good at it that you are not aware of it. 

As previously mentioned, there is a difference between manipulation, influence, and persuasion. There are many innocent forms of persuasion and influence, such as the methods parents apply to get their kids to eat their vegetables. But when it comes to the manipulation and many other forms of control, the effects can be felt life-long and can be difficult to overcome. The following is a list of mind control techniques, many in which you may recognize from the section that discusses emotional abuse by a narcissist: 

Isolation: This can be very powerful; it can be done physically or mentally. Many parents do it to their children when they have their issues with insecurity and loneliness. This is a useful way for the person to control how much information you are receiving from others.

Criticism: This may be used as a mentally isolating tool. The manipulator will usually speak I ‘us vs. them’ terms and criticize the outside world. This keeps you within their grips, so you do not develop any form of indecent thought outside of them.

Social Proof and Peer Pressure: A person who is trying to manipulate a large group of people use this to keep newcomers engaged. Social proof is when some people assume that the actions and beliefs of others are appropriate because everyone is doing it. As previously mentioned, this is also known as peer pressure in more youthful circles. 

Fear of Alienation: A manipulative group will use the supposed depth of a relationship or friendship against a person, should they have doubts or desires to leave the group. The person may fear to leave the group because of the perceived loss of these connections.

Repetition: This is simple but very effective. As stated in the advertising section, something that is heard more often is going to be remembered more than something that is stated only once or twice. More proof of this working is the reference to affirmation; the more you tell yourself something, the more likely you are going to believe it. 

Fatigue: Human beings are a lot more susceptible to persuasion, influence, and manipulation when they are physically and mentally tired. The brain hasn’t had a chance to recover, so its defense mechanisms and cognitive abilities are greatly softened.

Forming a New Identity: Essentially, when a person is trying to manipulate you, they want to mold you into an entirely new person. This is not in a positive sense, as their desire leans on the side that wants you to act like a robot; not to question anything that is said or done, and to succumb to whatever it is they may want. This happens systematically over time, especially in groups where a leader is trying to influence many people at once.

Other Forms of Mind Control

Other techniques are applied within the world of politics, advertising, and everyday instances that attempt to influence the opinions and behavior of others. You more than likely have heard the terms used before.

Hypnosis

This is an accident and complicated human phenomenon that involves focused attention, reduced awareness, and a high likelihood of suggestibility. Many arguments state that people are in when under hypnosis; some believe that they are in a trance, while others see it as a different plan of consciousness.

The act has also been historically controversial, as some theorists state that hypnosis is the result of the placebo effect (the ability to implant an idea into a person’s mind), and a redefining of the interaction with the therapist. Various disorders such as dissociative identity disorder (controversial known as multiple personality disorder) have been theorized to have been created by a therapist who had placed their patients under hypnosis. 

You have probably heard the term before and thinking about a person swinging a watch in front of someone’s face and telling them to do strange things for a captive audience. This is hypnosis and falls under the category of mind control because it implies and seems to possess magical traits. It is best, though, to try to think of hypnosis as a state of consciousness. Just like being asleep is one state of consciousness as is the in-between states, like when you are watching TV and falling asleep or state long enough at something relaxing and your awareness of your surroundings diminish. If you can think about these sensations that you would feel during these moments, then you can relate to how it feels to be hypnotized. 

As you are under a trance, you are focusing more and more on what is occurring inside your mind than what is occurring around you. This is often used as a therapist’s tool because it usually helps a person relax when recalling traumatic memories, as well as help them to feel calm after a stressful day. 

Although this is a state that is commonly felt and mainly positively valance, some elements can fall under the behavior that is malevolently intended. When a person is under this trance, as stated, their ability to think critically and logically is very dim. This makes them highly suggestible and willing to accept any suggestions made to them, without assessing or truly comprehending what they are being asked to do. Thinking about some naturally occurring trances can help you understand what being under hypnosis may feel like, such as driving and arriving upon a destination due to muscle memory or feeling incredibly relaxed and inwardly focused during a massage. 

Hypnosis can be very relaxing and innocent, but if it falls under the wrong hands, there are ways it can be negatively utilized. 

Subliminal Messaging

Subliminal messages are stimuli that lie below our conscious threshold of awareness. There is a great mysticism surrounding subliminal messages, as there is with the concept of brainwashing and hypnosis. The main association with this concept is the fear that advertisers are inserting these ideas into our subconscious, and we are being controlled by them. There is a vast difference between the notions of subliminal and supraliminal messaging; a person cannot perceive something as subliminal, even if they are looking for it. An example of something that is supraliminal, meaning when a person is subconsciously influenced is when a certain kind of music is played that promotes the purchase of a certain kind of food. If Indian music was played, more people bought Indian food. If Jamaican music was played, more people bought Jamaican food. This is not subliminal because the people could still perceive the music. They were just not subconsciously aware of its influence. 

Subliminal messages cannot be perceived, and there are generally three types of them:

Sub-Visual Messages: Visual cues that are quickly flashed so people do not perceive them.

Sub-Audible Messages: Low volume audio cues that are inserted into louder sounds.

Backmasking: An audio message recorded backwards, with the intention of playing it forward in order to disguise the reversed messages.

Research of subliminal messages seems too often include the notion of sex. The reasoning behind this is the idea that the association of sex with any product automatically makes the product more appealing.

Although there is still a discussion as to the authenticity of this claim, there are many other instances where more forms of subliminal messaging have influenced the behavior of others. Some examples are as follows:

Fitzsimons, Chartrand, and Fitzsimons (2008) found that people were able to list significantly more uses for a brick when they were subliminally primed with the logo from Apple (compared to IBM’s logo). This happened because apparently, the subliminal exposure to Apple’s logo temporarily enhanced people’s creativity.

Murphy and Zajonc (1993) found that people developed a more favorable opinion of ambiguous symbols after they were subliminally flashed with smiling individuals. In fact, this effect was stronger when the exposure was subliminal.

Bornstein, Leone, and Galley (1987) found that people agreed more with a person after they were subliminally flashed with a picture of him or her.

Legal, Chappé, Coiffard, and Villard-Forest (2011) subliminally primed people with the words “to trust”. The result was that hose people found a message about tap water consumption to be significantly more persuasive.

Cult and Group Brainwashing/Mind Control

Assault on Identity: This was previously mentioned and is very important if the manipulator wants to entirely control and own the behavior of their victims. The American prisoners were physically abused and tortured to the point of doubting themselves and their own identities. This was done by intentionally contradicting what they were saying at any and every turn.

The Establishment of Guilt: It was reported that a huge dose of guilt was imposed on many prisoners during the Korean War. This made them believe, at some point, that they deserved to be punished. This is done by making the person responsible for their faults and the things that go wrong in their life. Everything wrong is their fault, and guilt is the emotion that captors/manipulators can use to their advantage.

The Self-Betrayal: At this point, captors tried to make the prisoners denounce people that they were close to. This would help alienate them from the people in their lives and also further establish the sensation of guilt. Any doubt that they may have, no matter how small or how far away into the past it was, the captors use this to convince them that their beliefs and values no longer align with the people they once felt they were close to. This increases the sensation of self-betrayal, a feeling that slightly resembles guilt and shame. This tactic would separate them from their past and further deconstructs their sense of self.

Breaking Point: Total Conflict and the Basic Fear: At some point, a prisoner would realize that there is not out from their experiencing of guilt, trauma, and fear. They start to feel something that initially sounds incredibly abstract; they fear the total annihilation of the self. What this means is that the collection of traits, values, ideas, and characteristics that make them who they are almost completely fragmented. Many prisoners at this point will feel suicidal. Others will suffer from delusions and hallucinations. Their ability to think rationally and to comprehend what is truly happening to them is greatly diminished at this point.

Leniency and Opportunity: When prisoners feel like they may be at a breaking point, there comes a person who offers something so minimal, such as a friendly voice or face, a small luxury such as a cigarette or drink, they abruptly feel a tiny sense of hope. Because they felt they were almost at the edge of destruction, the captors use this as an opportunity to ‘save’ them. They try to convince the prisoners that the new way is the way to go, and even more importantly, that the new way will keep them alive.

The Compulsion to Confess: Prisoners tend to confess to anything during torture and deprivation because they feel the need to get anything that is deemed negative out of their system. They even invent crimes that did not occur. The more they confess, the more confessions that keep coming out. Captors would try to get prisoners to encourage one another to keep confessing. 

The Channeling of Guilt: The more the prisoners try to embrace the new way of thinking, the more guilt they felt for who they were before. They begin recounting their old ways of thinking and behaving because of the immense guilt that follows them, the more they try to embrace the new way of thinking.

Re-Education: Logical Dishonoring: This is the point where guilt transforms into shame for past actions and for the captors to convince the prisoners that this behaving was violating their ideals. This is based upon the belief that every human has their moral code, and that is always something that opposes it, working against their code inside our consciousness. The captors would attempt to wear down this moral code and give life to the opposing side of ourselves; the side that we usually try to suppress. As this becomes more dominant, the true self is even more suppressed. This is cyclic; the activation of guilt, and the reinforcement of a new personality, so the prisoners would become exactly who their captors desired them to be.

Progress and Harmony: As the prisoners continue to progress into this newly molded personality, the techniques of brainwashing alter, so then the captors begin accepting and recognizing the prisoners as actual human beings. This fair and peaceful treatment motivates the captors to continue behaving this way and forging a new path with a new belief system in place.

Final Confession: The Summing Up: This final confession occurs, coming from the new identity, rather than the identity who confessed out of fear of death. The prisoner describes the past self with guilt and gratitude toward their new sense of self. From their new perspective, renouncing their former self appears to be logical and meaningful. 

Rebirth: The prisoner feels whole again. Their reality is entirely different as are their thoughts and values. They have an entirely different relationship with the world and approach from this new and seemingly refreshing perspective. 

Release: This is when the prisoners are allowed back into the world but re-experience from the point of view from this new personality.

People who were previously in their lives have returned but are treating them as if they are their old personality. This experience was reportedly very traumatic for many ex-prisoners of war, as their new ideas and personality are being questioned by those around them. This could lead to many issues with depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, and other mental health problems. 

Mind control in this instance is done to construct a pseudo-personality that fits with the ideas and beliefs of the person doing the manipulating. This occurs often in cults and makes the younger generation much more susceptible, as their beliefs and values are criticized, being told that they were forced upon them by society and their parents. Leaders take advantage of this desire for independence and attempt to mold them into entirely new people. 

Sometimes, violence and abuse are used as brainwashing tools. These are often used over time and strategically, at a point where the person being abused is led to believe that what is being done to them is happening for their good. This happens not only in cults but sometimes to children who are abused and manipulated into believing the abuse is normal and allowed.

The following are other techniques that were not mentioned in the previous list and POW scenario. These are used in cults and group manipulations as well: 

Deceit: A victim will believe that they are getting one thing, whereas they are getting something entirely different. 

Love Bombing: Showering new members of a group with affection and excessive love that makes them feel unique and special.

Childish games that make the victim behave immaturely, that also encourage obedience to the leader.

No questions or criticisms about the leader are accepted.

New members are often followed around and constantly speaking to by new experienced members, so they are not given any time alone to introspect.

Cults will often ask for a financial commitment and connect it to a psychological or spiritual commitment. 

Loaded Language: Complicated ideas are summarized into smaller sentences and explanations that allow the members to think and reflect less. 

Chanting, singing, and dancing as ways to take up the time of a person do, they do not engage in critical thinking. 

Repetition of ideas.

Spying on others and reporting to the leader to show off obedience.

The shaping of dependency by going back and forth between punishment and rewards for the same kind of behavior.

Unpredictable behavior by manipulators.

No criticism of the new ideas is allowed.

Various threats that seem to come out of nowhere. 

Small rewards for desired behaviors, punishments for unwanted ones.

Victims are usually ignorant as to what is going to happen to them next due to a plethora of unpredictable elements of the group's mentality. 

Mind control as a summary then is a term that umbrellas many actions meant to manipulate, influence, course, and/or persuade. It is subtle, and in most cases, malevolently intended. An attempt to exert any of these forms of mind control over someone involves extended periods. It is sneaky because it generally convinces a person that they are thinking of themselves, whereas, a few carefully placed words, phrases, conversations, and techniques have skewed their perspective into doing exactly what the perpetrator intended.

Chapter 8: Mind Control Techniques

You have finally arrived upon the section you have been waiting for, the section where you can begin practicing your mind control techniques. It is the hope of the writer that you have learned by now that the concept of mind control is not like the casting of a magic wand in the air. It is not simple, nor does it turn our friends or enemies into mindless zombies. In the following section, we re-introduce a few of the techniques previously mentioned and explore a few specific techniques you can use in your day-to-day living. These are the positive elements of observing the actions of those who are skilled at manipulating, persuading, coercing, influencing, and sometimes, completely emotionally abusing. We are going to string together silver line from a very dark cloud and learn a few skills that help our lives enhance for the better.

Hypnosis

As previously mentioned, you more than likely associated hypnosis with a magician’s trick or a psychic’s way of paying the bills. But it is more often used within the medical sector to help people deal with a vast array of psychological problems.

Here, we are going to list a step-by-step guide that can help you practice the art of hypnosis and learn that there is not anything mythical about it—it’s all about the capabilities of the human brain.

[17]The Hypnosis Training Academy introduces an ABS formula that anyone can follow it they want to learn how to hypnotize someone:

A - absorb attention

B- bypass the critical factor

S - stimulate the unconscious mind

There are also three elements that are involved within a single hypnosis session:

The Induction: Bringing the subject into a trance (it is emphasized that although the word ‘trance’ does seem to fall under the magical category, it is just a phrase used to relay that a person is within a highly suggestible state).

Change Work: Where you use hypnotic suggestions and other techniques to make some kind of change.

Exit: Where you bring the subject out of the trance. 

We will now explore all three elements of a hypnosis session by referencing the ABS formula:

The Induction

This is where we are going to try to follow A: absorbing someone’s attention. As previously mentioned, we as human beings can enter hypnotic states on our own, without any swinging watch or psychic influence. This relies on the change of focus.

If you focus hard on doing something you love, such as painting, writing, or singing, the rest of the world disappears. Your focus is shifting from the conscious world to the unconscious world inside your mind and body.

It is when you don’t notice your mom yelling out for dinner or your dog poking at your leg while you’re writing. To do this intentionally to another person though, you have to get their attention.

There are many ways that you can try to do this; you can tell them a joke, show them a picture, ask them to look into your eyes, etc. If it is not a formal setting and is not a friend or family member you are trying to hypnotize, you can politely go up to someone and tell them you want to ask them a question or that you need their help with something. Try to look directly into their eyes when saying this. Most people are curious, so they will engage with you.

If you are doing this formally, simply tell the subject to close their eyes, and that by doing so, they are beginning the process of sliding into a trance. By associating the closing of the eyes with a hypnotic trance, the person is already opening themselves up to the concept of being hypnotized. This also shows they trust you, which will make the process easier.

Once you have their attention, you can move onto B: bypassing the critical factor. The critical factor is referring to the conscious mind. The conscious mind is the part of you that can judge, criticize, and weigh the pros and cons during decision making. Sometimes, though, constantly analyzing situations with the conscious mind can get a person stuck. So, unlike the conscious mind, the unconscious mind does not evaluate or judge. It will accept whatever is told to it and goes to work to get it done, albeit anything that goes against your values or ethics.

Engaging with the unconscious mind is the entire point of hypnosis. You can do that by telling an engaging story, using hypnotic themes such as focus, relaxing, learning, or to sprinkle in your speech with what is called hot words, and/or power words.

Hot words are said to stir up emotions. These words are descriptive and can make a person feel emotional.

Power words are words such as ‘because,' ‘as,’ and ‘imagine that' connect ideas. They help build a picture in someone’s mind and this helps stimulate the unconscious.

Most people begin by telling a story because telling a story can easily capture the attention of the subject, allowing their conscious mind to fade into the background. The story can be about you, about someone else, or something you’ve read about. It is meant to be short and simple and able to capture the attention of the subject without too much confusing detail.

Now, you can move onto S: stimulation of the unconscious mind. You have already sorted doing this in the previous section by telling a story to your subject. A more benevolent reason to use hypnosis is to help people change something critical in their lives. The reason why people find it difficult to make changes in their lives is that they believe they have already done everything and/or they do not believe in themselves. Using hypnosis begins a journey of looking for answers within the unconscious mind rather than continuing to relay not he conscious one. There are infinite possibilities and create methods of problem-solving that you can tap into using the unconscious mind.

How long you have to stay within the relaxation portion of the session will depend on the person who you are hypnotizing of course. Some people with anxiety issues may find it harder to calm down, so you will hover within the relaxation element for a time. Some people who have previously been hypnotized may find it easier to fall into a trance, especially since you are someone that they trust.

Change Work Process: Using Hypnotic Suggestions

Once the person is in a trance, you are already to offer them suggestions. This is where you are going to implant ideas into their subconscious mind that are directives to engage in before, after, and during the trance.

A directive during a trance may be to focus on their breath or the hypnotizer's voice. After trance examples are when you tell the subject to remember the nasty taste of cigarettes the next time, they go to light one up. Creating hypnotic suggestions will come before you start the session, so the subject can share with your images and wordings that they feel would act like the most successful within their trance. You will use your imagination by stimulating the subject’s imagination, filling out some vague outlines of the scene for the subject to fill in themselves. You will use the reception of ideas and images because repetition is what will stick within a person’s mind.

An example of this may sound like:

“Now close your eyes and go deeper into your trance. I am going to touch your hand as a cue to go deeper. Let yourself finally relax, taking in deep breaths through your nose, allowing your belly to fill up large like a hot air balloon. Then breathe out, allowing your belly to deflate.

As you go deeper and feel more and more comfortable, feel how easy it is to be relaxed and calm. Know that you deserve this calm. Breathing deep, in and out.

Now I want you to imagine an enjoyable day walking in the woods. You can hear the soft chime of birds, a light breeze brushing against your skin.

As you relax deeper and deeper, perhaps you will find a spot in the woods to sit and enjoy your surroundings. Smell the scent of pine as your breath deeper and deeper.

It feels wonderful to relax, and you allow yourself to feel this sensation deeply.”

What you say will depend on the goal of the session, and the reasoning behind the desire for hypnosis. A person may be lacking self-confidence, so you would include that within the visualization. They may be having a hard time finding time to relax in their busy lives and may feel guilty about wanting to participate in self-care.

This will once again, be included within your description of the environment of relaxation that this subject has chosen.

Ending a Hypnosis Session: Bringing Your Subject out of Trance

This is when you bring your subject back to their usual waking state. You can tell your subject to bring themselves back, as you count down or up from 3. You tell them that they will feel relaxed and rejuvenated once they open their eyes again. Make sure that you have canceled out any hypnotic suggestions that the person does not want in their waking life. Let the person know that it is okay to come out of their trance and to begin moving their body once they have returned to the conscious state of being.

There are also other ways that you can induce someone into a trance in about 60 seconds. If you want to become a professional hypnotist, it is best to practice these short sessions as often as possible. Ten steps will fly by when practiced often:

Start with H+: This is the part where you set your intention to do your best for the person that you will hypnotize. Move into your positive energies and get excited about what is to come. Then, ask the subject for permission if they have permission to touch them on the shoulder during the induction.

Induce the Trance: Say “close your eyes and go into hypnosis.” This is an instruction that quickly links together the closing of the eyes with the state of a trance.

Deepen the Trance: Tell the person that every time you touch their shoulder, they will go deeper into a trance.

Sounds around You: Tell the person that anything they hear around them will help them go further into hypnosis.

My Voice: Tell them that your voice will follow them wherever they go, and that will allow them to hear your voice and the meaning in your words.

Sanctuary: Tell the person to feel what they are sitting on and to feel reassured that they are safe.

Change Work: This is where you add your suggestions to help the subject make the change that they want to make in their lives.

Re-Induction: You tell the person that since they are under hypnosis, that the next time they go under a trance, it will be easier for them.

Self-Esteem: Tell them something that will boost their self-esteem. Tell them that they are loved, that they make other people’s lives wonderful. Let them know what a great subject they are as well, and because of this, they will make some positive changes in their life.

        Re-Emerge: Bring them out of their trance by count up to 5, telling them that they will feel refreshed, relaxed, and wonderful about their lives, once they open their eyes. 

These are all suggestions on how you can begin using hypnosis to positively affect the lives of those around you. If you want to learn more, perhaps you can find someone in your life or community who will hypnotize you, so you can learn how it feels and thus makes it easier for you to empathize with your subject.

Other forms of hypnosis are not recommended to engage in. For example, there is a therapeutic tool that utilizes hypnosis for those who have been greatly psychologically tormented. This is called hypnotic regression and is usually done by licensed and experienced psychologists and psychiatrists. The process is very similar to what was previously listed but much more intricate and requires a steady balance of experience and proper understanding of the process. You must not engage in this with a person of whom you may think has experienced some trauma in their life, as the incorrect usage of the technique may further traumatize them.

Brainwashing

This section offers you a few innocent tips on you can use brainwashing to improve certain aspects of your life.

This book does not condone the extensive malevolence of other brainwashing techniques, but as stated, there are ways that we can take the good out of something mainly perceived as bad. Try some of these at work, with your family, or when you meet new people, and take note of how they react!

Repeat your opinion. The usefulness of repetition has already been said a few times within this book; therefore, you are more than likely going to remember it! If you follow politics, shop online or in malls, you will easily see how useful this tactic is. People may have even heard something incorrect or even told by a person who is not trustworthy, but because so many people have heard it so many times, people are more than likely to hear it. So, if you have an opinion about something, or even want to invent a rumor (that is mainly innocent) to test out this theory, give it a go.

Imitating people makes them give you things. If you work in a service industry where tips give you most of your income, this may be a helpful tactic for you. This is something that many politicians and con artists know; by reflecting someone’s words and behavior, they are more likely to follow you, and thus, reward you. This works because a person feels that you are similar to them, and if you are similar to them, then they feel obligated to somehow help you. In the service industry, this means giving more tips! If you need any research evidence, refer yourself to the Dutch study that had servers repeat half of what their customers said to them, while other servers just spoke the way they normally do while serving. The tips from the people who were mimicked were 68% more generous than those who were not mimicked. Just hearing their own words repeated back to them gave them a sense of rapport, made them feel comfortable and relatable, so they choose to give their server more money.

Saying “I’m excited” reduces stress. Saying this can help you change your perspective of fear to one of optimism, which in turn, will make you perform better at the task at hand. It tricks your brain into thinking that the reason for the anxiety turning in your stomach is about the excitement to take on a challenge, rather than fear of not doing it right.

You can try it on yourself, the next time you are really afraid to do something, such as an exam, go on a date, or present something in front of your work colleagues, try telling yourself that you are excited about it. Say it into a mirror a few times and see how your perspective on the former issue shifts. 

Add a reason for your request. A research study was conducted that observed a man standing in line for coffee, who wants to cut in line in front of someone. The first time, he does it without giving a reason; he simply asks if he can cut in front of you. The second time, he provides a reason, albeit a useless and obvious reason, like that he needs to get a coffee. When most people hear this description, they reply that they would not allow the man to cut in front of them because his reasoning is not good enough. But the study found that 93% of people allowed the second person to cut in front of them simply because he provided a reason for doing so. 

This works for various reasons. During our day to day lives, our resistance is very low. When we travel to work, to the gym, to a friend’s house, if we have been there many times, our bodies are more than likely on automatic mode. This leaves us wide open for manipulation. Our reasoning is simplified because we don’t have time to process what someone is saying or trying to do. A reason for doing something does not have to be very complex for us to allow it to happen. If it is a small favor, such as allowing someone to cut in line in front of us, or moving from a seat on the bus, we are quick to comply. Our autopilot brain might wake up a little if the request is more complicated, but if the reason is plausible, we are likely to grant it anyway. 

As Alfred Adler stated, there is generally a reason behind every action that a person commits, whether or not they state it. They are obvious to most people, but if you provide a reason for needing to do something or to request a favor from them, they seem to reply with more ease a comfort. Try this out when needing things from others or placing it into your daily vocabulary; you will find that many people will begin doing what you want quite easily.

Subliminal Messaging

You can easily apply the various techniques of subliminal messaging to help you improve your life or the life of those around you. The point of doing this is to reach into your subconscious mind and bypass the many ways your conscious mind blocks you from improving yourself. This is done by shifting your old conditioning, such as limiting beliefs and continuous behaviors that have been detrimental to your life. Here are some ways that you can integrate subliminal messages into your life:

Play subliminal messages during sleep. You can use the 6-8 hours that you sleep as a method of developing within a certain aspect of your life. Perhaps you want more self-confidence to become more dedicated to your work to be kinder to those around you. There are various themes of subliminal messages that you can listen to, and any of them are easily available on the Internet. 

Watch subliminal flashes on your computer screen. You can do this for only a few minutes a day. These flashes can contain positive affirmations. This will help create a new and more positive neural pathway because of the repetition of the idea of going across your mind. 

Play subliminal messages during the day. It is usually recommended that you listen to subliminal messages at night when your mind is most receptive, but you can still try to absorb these ideas during the day when you are awake. You can play subliminal mediations in the background while you do other things, such as cook, clean, or sit and relax. Your subconscious mind can still absorb these ideas while your conscious mind is focusing on something else entirely. 

Place subliminal notes around you. You can place different notes around your house, and at some point, your conscious mind will help you get used to them being around. At this point, your unconscious mind will absorb them, and thus exposure you more often to their content. 

The key to allowing subliminal messages to help you become successful is by constantly exposing yourself to them. This is not something that is going to take a couple of nighttime sessions; your brain needs time to build a new pathway, a new way of thinking, and to abandon the old ways. Here is an example of successful use of subliminal notes, told by Bob Proctor, a Law of Attraction teacher: 

“Focus on what you want and not what you don’t want. I wrote on a card that I was going to have $25,000 in my possession by 1970. I wrote that on the card in 1961. I gave myself almost a decade to do it. Early on, I didn’t believe that would happen. But I’ll tell you what I learned–that if you write a lie on a card, and you read it often enough, you start to believe it. Reading that card got me thinking of earning money. Before that, I was only thinking of debts. Write what you want in the present tense, and then keep on reading. It is the repetition that fixates the idea into the subconscious mind. That’s what a paradigm is.”

Here are some suggestions about what you can do to maximize the effects of subliminal messages in your life:

Set a goal. Before starting to practice with subliminal messages, you need to know exactly what it is that you want to change. Retake some time to write this out in a notebook. There are no rules about how you write about it, but keep it clear and specific.

Focus on that goal only. Focus on that single goal, as opposed to going back and forth between a couple of different ones once you get bored. Only listen to the messages that are going to aid you in achieving one specific goal at a time.

Repeat. Try to listen to subliminal messages every day, between 4 weeks to 90 days. If you notice a change after 4 weeks, try to listen when needed. Some people need longer, and there is nothing wrong with that.

Leave stress out. Try to enjoy the process rather than rushing. Try to avoid falling into the loop of stress if you don’t notice anything specific changes immediately. It is going to happen eventually, but it takes some time. 

Mind Control Techniques Implemented by NLP

NLP stands for Neurolinguistic Programming and is an approach to communication, personal development, and psychotherapy that was created in the 1970s by Richard Bandler and John Grinder. The concept of NLP believes that there is a connection between neurological processes, language, and behavioral patterns learned through experience. They believed that these aspects of living as a human can be changed to achieve specific goals in life. This approach offers many examples of mind control techniques that will be listed here for your consumption and understanding. These are used by NLP skilled professionals to try to control others mind:

Paying close attention. The professionals pay close attention to the cues of a person. This includes their body language, movement of their eyes, nervous tics, breathing patterns, etc. All of these can infer the state of mind of the individual and help make an instant emotional association between them. The NLP refers often to the movement of eyes and what it indicates to others about them, as well as the processes going on inside their mind as they answer certain questions. This is something that you would need to study specifically on your own time, as it can easily become confusing and very complex.

Speaking with a suggestive frequency of the human mind. This involves delivering words close to the beats of the human heart, which is 45 to 72 beats a minute. This could induce a higher state of suggestibility to the mind.

Bypassing the conscious mind by voice roll. This is a patterned paced style that enhances the desired point of the conversation by bypassing the conscious mind to the subconscious mind of the person. This is done by emphasizing a certain word in a monotonous patterned style.

Secretly building rapport easily. Skilled professionals use certain language to enhance suggestibility. The rapport will by created by closely examining you, and then mimicking your body language, so you are more vulnerable to suggestibility.

Creating an anchor. This is the process of creating an anchor in you, to the point where it is easy to access your suggestibility by simply touching or tapping you

A simple interpersonal subconscious programming. This is done by seeming to dictate one thing while planting the idea of something else at the same time.

If you want to begin practicing some of these mind control techniques on others and yourself, you are going to have to learn how to focus more and thus improve control over your mind. There are various ways that you can do this, but the most important and potent is going to be mediation. You can easily practice this daily for about 20 minutes.

Meditation Practice

Find a place that is comfortable and quiet for you. Make sure that you will not be interrupted. You may want to put on relaxing music, or even rain sounds or sound of nature. The easiest way to do this is to open up your window and listen to the sounds right outside your window.

You can do this either lying down on a bed, or the floor, or by sitting in a chair. The entire point of this though is not to fall asleep, so try to choose a time of day when you are not likely to doze off.

Once you are comfortable, focus on your breathing. Just observe it without judgment or criticism. Observe how your stomach rises and falls as you keep breathing, in and out.

After a few minutes, start breathing deeper through your nose, and then out your mouth. Try to keep your attention focused on doing this, observing how your stomach inflates and deflates breath the breath going in and out.

You are going to have thoughts, concerns, and even doubts about the point of this practice as you go through your daily 20 minutes. When these thoughts arise, do not reject them or judge yourself. Try to recognize that you are only human, and you are going to have thoughts. Accept them as they are and let them go. This is done by not pursuing the thought further and returning your attention to your breath.

After 20 minutes, slowly bring your attention back to the room, returning your breath to normal breathing patterns. Open your eyes when you are ready, slowly returning to the ongoing of your day.

This practice is meant to help you notice what is going on in your mind and body, so you can take note of anything that gets in your way when you are practicing these various mind control techniques. If you do this once a day, you will begin to notice how you think about yourself, the world around you, and how calming it can be just to focus on your breath. If you are calm, then it is easier to focus on. When you focus, it will be easier to implement any of these techniques suggested in this chapter.

Chapter 9: Using Mind Control to Your Advantage

The goal of this book was to show you what the study of dark psychology is, discuss the individuals who mainly fall into the dark personality category, and to demystify the various mind control techniques that these individuals employ. There are reasons why psychopaths, Machiavellian, narcissists, and sadists tend to thrive in their lives, and that is because they possess the odd advantage of being able to participate in malevolent mind control techniques without consideration of another’s wellbeing. If you are reading this, then you are probably not one of these people. Their abilities are deeply ingrained without their complex personality types and have thus shown the world the various ways of benefiting oneself in a less than honest manner. 

But like any skill, the goal and reasoning behind its commitment of action can easily be skewed and altered with a much less negative intention. Mind control, influence, manipulation, persuasion, and coercion, by definition, are immoral due to the nature of deception. But deception is not entirely bad; it can be done with positive goals and intentions, and we even do it to ourselves to help us achieve a goal in our lives. If we want to lose weight, we may hide a candy bar somewhere we know we will not recall, or if we want to stop spending money, we may ask a friend to hide cash somewhere in your apartment that you will not be able to locate. Parents manipulate their children into eating healthy food, and partners keep information about an ex to save the emotions of those they love. Deception, along with its various forms of techniques applied with it, can be used for good. 

We hope that you are now informed about how mind control works and that you cannot climb into another person’s mind and flick a switch about them wanting to promote you. However, you can apply some of these techniques to persuade them into promoting you, highlighting why you are the best candidate for the job. We hope that you can take these skills into the world and make some lemonade from the dark lemons that darker personalities have offered us. 

A book titled The Wisdom of Psychopathy discusses the many benefits and lessons that we as non-psychopaths can take into the daily life that would benefit us. This does not mean that you stop caring for others or applying your empathy toward those you care about but considering certain aspects of that personality type in moderation can help us lead to life success. That is the essential point of this book: to inform, educate, and offer you ways that you can put these lessons into action. 

Here is a list of six lessons that psychopaths can teach you about living a fulfilling and happy life:

Focus on the positive. Many psychopaths can look at situations positively due to their lack of fear and anxiety. Anything that happens to them feels interesting, challenging, and an opportunity for growth. Try to do this the next time something seemingly negative happens to you in your life. This does not mean, of course, that you don’t acknowledge what happens. It just means that you look at it from a different perspective as well. For example, if your cat pees on the floor, that is naturally annoying; but if you look at it from a positive light, perhaps you can see that it is a challenge for you to learn to train your cat more or better, or it may be an indicator of illness. Once you can apply this mindset consistently, you will start to see initially perceived negative events as new opportunities.

Stick to your beliefs. Psychopaths are not influenced by the opinions or should be forced upon them by those around them. They are not bothered by other's beliefs or desire to changes their beliefs. If you possess a belief that is important to you, do not let others try to influence you to change it. This, of course, concerns innocent and non-harmful beliefs, such as ones of human rights, animal rights, etc. If something is close to your heart and soul, don’t let someone try to alter that because they are forcing themselves onto you.

Don’t take things personally. It is fairly easy for people who do not have psychopathic traits to take things that people say or do fairly personally. What this essentially means is that we easily get offended when someone is always late to pick us up or if they say something about us that were not intended to hurt our feelings.

Psychopaths don’t be afraid or anxiety nor do they worry about what other people think, so it is fairly easy for them not to take what others say and do personally. Many relationships are disrupted or bothered by behaviors of others that are easily misinterpreted. Psychopaths take everything at face value and do not interpret anything beyond what it is. This also means that they do not get upset about career setbacks, being dumped by their partner, or anything that most people would make about themselves–something they inherently lack. Try to look at the circumstance more than yourself and realize that most things that people do have more to do with them than you.

Don’t overanalyze or criticize yourself. Learning to be self-compassionate is one of the biggest keys to happiness and success. There is nothing wrong with some constructive feedback, but because most humans are wired with a negative bias, they will think about what went wrong more so then what went right. But, if you practice self-compassion and choose to consciously look at the positive, a.k.a. what did go right, then you will build new neural pathways in your brain, making the positive thinking feel more automatic.

Be fearless/Just do it. The only way to truly overcome fears is to face them. Procrastination only adds to the frustration of not being productive. Psychopaths generally don’t feel fear or anxiety, so it is easier for them to face things that will help them advance. So, try to adopt this frame of thinking, in your case, that feels the fear and does it anyway. Fear is a temporary emotion that is necessary to help us grow, and each time we face our fears, we build confidence with more willingness to face each fear as they come up in our lives. We will only get closer and closer to our dreams once we make this a habit.

Stay in the present. Psychopaths rarely waste time worrying about the future and ruminating about the past. They stay in the present moment, and by doing this, they can get the best out of it. What this means essentially is that they can focus and get tasks done, rather than falling into unhealthy thinking patterns that tend to set us back. Each moment can only be taken for what it is rather then what we think it should be. Psychopaths know this inherently, and you can too. Practicing mindfulness will help you do this, and you do that by meditating and applying other exercises that were previously described in this book. Mindful eating, walking, even showering, or brushing your teeth can help you be in that moment, rather than deep in your mind. Once this has become a habit in your life, it will be easier to see things as they are, not categorizing them as positive or negative, but with deep acceptance. Acceptance will help you when life becomes more challenging, rather than ruminating and worrying about potentially negative results.

Go through this book and this list and begin to utilize the skills that dominate the Dark Triad. You will learn that using these to your advantage will help you to lead a happier, more fulfilling, anxiety-free life.

ANGER

MANAGEMENT

Introduction: What Is Anger?

Everyone at one point in their life has experienced the emotion anger. There is a multitude of components to the emotion that can be picked apart and examined. The most basic understanding is that anger is an automatic response to both physical and emotional pain.

Instances, where anger tends to come out, are when a person does not feel well, they feel rejected, have gone through a traumatic loss, and if they are feeling threatened. The common factor among the different forms of pain is that they are all unpleasant.

Due to the fact that anger does not exist without a feeling of emotional or physical pain, anger is considered a secondhand emotion. For example, anger, thoughts, and social behavior are oftentimes linked to one another.

When an individual is experiencing emotional or physical pain, this alone does not cause anger to develop. Anger forms once the pain is coupled with thoughts that trigger anger. The types of thoughts that can prompt anger are personal evaluations, assumptions, and interpretations of specific situations which leads a person to believe that someone else is purposely trying to hurt them.

When a person thinks other people are out to get them, the anger becomes a social emotion. This means that a person is targeting their anger towards another person; the target can even be one's self. The feeling of pain joined with anger-triggered thoughts, pushes a person to take action, and face the subject of their anger head-on.

Anger can also be used to substitute or hide other emotions. People will sometimes force themselves to feel anger in order to avoid having to deal with pain because anger is easier to feel than pain. The act of switching pain into anger can be done both consciously and unconsciously.

There are advantages that may tempt a person to use anger to avoid feelings of pain. The main advantage of being angry is a distraction from the pain. When a person is in pain, they tend to have a difficult time not focusing on said pain.

However, anger allows a person to focus on inflicting damage to the people who have caused them pain. The shift from pain to anger also equates to a shift from self-focus into other focus.

Once a person is distracted from their pain, the anger is able to protect a person from having to deal with the said painful emotions. Instead, the primary focus becomes getting back at the people who have caused them pain. Anger can also be used to mask the fact that a person finds a situation alarming or makes them feel vulnerable and exposed.

In addition to hiding vulnerability, anger can also be used to give a person a sense of power and justice that does not exist when a person is in pain. It is very rare that a person will become angry with someone without first feeling as though they have been wronged by said person.

While the benefits of choosing anger over pain may not always be justified, it does allow a person to develop a momentary boost in their self-esteem. The main benefits a person will find with anger instead of pain are it is more appealing to feel anger than it is to feel the pain of being vulnerable. Another benefit is with anger, a person is able to mask their feelings of weakness and vulnerability and replace them with feelings of power and security. The last benefit is in the long term, not healthy, however. It becomes an unconscious habit to push the vulnerable feelings down and keep the feelings of power instead. The person is able to avoid dealing with their true emotional or physical pain continually.

There are also some drawbacks to anger that cannot be denied. Even when attempting to use anger to avoid pain, but on some level, the feelings of pain are still present. It is important that people keep in mind that anger cannot take the pain away completely; it can only momentarily distract a person from the pain. Another issue with anger is that it is typical does not resolve or tackle the problem that is making a person feel anxious or concerned. In actuality, anger can actually lead to more problems, including social and health problems.

There is a multitude of reasons why a person might become angry including losing one's patients, finding injustice in a given situation and feeling as though a person's opinion does not matter to the people around them. There can also be the case of personally traumatic events. When a person is hit with a memory of a past horrific event, they can use anger to mask the painful emotions that said memory evokes. Becoming frustrated or apprehensive about a personal problem can also be a trigger for anger.

Along with the generic causes of anger, there are unique triggers that can lead a person to become angry. The personal triggers stem from what a person was thought to expect from one's self, as well as the people around them and the world in general. An individual's past also plays a role in their personal triggers. For example, if a person was not educated on how to express their anger properly, they may have self-taught themselves to let the anger fester internally until they cannot help but let it out. When a person is taught not to express their emotions, it forces them to internalize negative emotions to the point where they are miserable but do not know how to express said emotions.

Inherited inclinations, brain chemistry, and possible underlying medical conditions can also be a key factor as to why a person becomes angry. If a person is wondering whether or not their anger has become a problem, there are signs that can be taken into consideration.

One possible sign that a person's anger has become a problem is that anger is at a point where it is affecting a person's relationships and overall social life. Another sign is feeling as though one has to hide and hold in their anger from everyone. Repeatedly having negative thoughts, getting impatient and irritated are other possible signs.

There also some dangerous signs that a person’s anger is out of control. These signs include getting into arguments often and becoming angrier as the conversation continues, threatening violence to a person or something they value and becoming physically violent towards other people.

If a person finds themselves getting angry, there are a few different ways in which the anger is handled. One option is to utilize expression.

A person may choose to express their anger in a reasonable manner which allows for a rational discussion, while others may choose to become irrational and have an angry outburst. It is healthier for a person to choose a reasonable expression because it allows a person to convey their wants and concerns in a direct and calm fashion without trying to hurt or control the people around them.

Another way a person may choose to handle their anger is suppression. This is when a person attempts to overpower their anger and possibly convert said anger into more constructive behavior. While it can be appealing to channel one's anger towards say, hitting a baseball, there is a major downfall to this approach. It is possible that when a person is suppressing their anger, they are actually internalizing their anger and turning that anger towards one's self. This can lead to depression and a diminished feeling of self-worth. Holding one's anger can also lead to passive-aggressive behavior towards other people

The third option for handling anger is simply calming down. During this approach, a person is able to control their observable behavior as well as control their internal responses by calming down and allowing one’s feelings to become less intense.

When a person finds that their anger has become a problem, and it is affecting their personal life, it is likely that the person is struggling to control their anger because of psychological and behavioral responses. One of the most common reasons why a person is unable to overcome their anger problem is they are constantly keeping their emotions bottled up instead of addressing the issue head-on. The longer a person attempts to keep their emotions hidden internally, the harder it becomes actually to voice one's concern. This can destroy relationships because people are unaware of why someone is angry and so they cannot figure out how to fix the issue.

Some other major behavioral problems that people with anger issues have included the fact that these individuals are the types of people who are quick to react in an aggressive manner when someone insults them if they feel as though they have been wronged or if they are injured. These are especially true if a person believes that they have been treated unfairly. It can be extremely difficult to change one's pattern of behavior, even more so when a person is used to acting impulsively.

Individuals with anger problems are also likely to blame other people and ignore any part they may play in a situation. It is particularly important for a person who is angry to feel justified in their anger which is why they do not listen to how they may be wrong in a given situation.

There are noticeable signs that a person is struggling with an anger problem because they become angry easily, often and with a great level of intensity. A person with an anger problem can even be angry for an entire day. For example, when the average person is driving, and they are cut off by another driver pulling out of a parking lot, they will get annoyed but move on quickly. They could also become frustrated with the driver in front of them who is going about 10 mph below the speed limit, but they will move on from that emotion once the person turns down a different road. If a person with an anger problem was in either given situation, they would yell and beep and exhibit signs of road rage. They may even go as far as to retaliate by following a car and cutting them.

When an individual is in the heart of their anger, they will most likely notice symptoms such as heightened physical sensations in relation to stress. Their hearts will beat faster, they feel hot and flushed, their muscles tense up, their breathing becomes erratic, and they begin feeling nervous and on edge. The symptoms are all related to the sympathetic nervous system, which controls a person's fight-or-flight response. This means that when a person with an anger problem is experiencing high levels of anger, their body is preparing for an emergency. When the intense level of anger subsides, the individual will oftentimes feel guilty and ashamed once they notice the unease the people who saw the episode of anger unfold are.

Understanding what anger is and the effects it can have on a person is imperative information because of their health issues that can arise from becoming angry often. While the people themselves may not suffer from an anger problem, someone they may know could. And so, knowing about the signs of anger could help one's self, but the knowledge can also help someone else suffering from anger issues.

Moreover, high levels of anger can be dangerous for everyone involved because some anger issues may cause a person to become physically or emotionally violent. This can lead to high levels of stress for both parties. Stress can have serious health effects, such as heart disease, depression, anxiety, diabetes, and Alzheimer's disease.

Studies have also shown how excessive anger can affect someone's mental and physical health, including heightened job stress as well as an increased risk of both blood pressure and heart disease.

A study was also done on individuals with long-lasting back pain. Higher levels of anger were connected to a repetitive tendency to not forgive others, frequent psychological suffering, and even physical pain. Another research study noted that individuals who reported intense feelings of anger also exhibited signs of stronger levels of physical pain, even when the individual attempted to suppress their anger. Anger has also been linked to sleep deprivation at night and fatigue during the day due to the lack of sleep at night.

Domestic violence is also heavily related to anger. Numerous professionals have stated that men who commit acts of violence towards loved ones, typically show signs of intense anger and hostility problems and men who do not commit acts of domestic violence consistently do not show signs of struggling to control their anger.

Finally, studies have found that frequent intense feelings of anger are concurrent with some mental disorder — specifically depression, borderline personality disorder, bipolar disorder as well as antisocial and self-focused personality problems.

Chapter 1: The Roots of All the Problems—Mental Disorder

There is a stigma that surrounds the topic of mental disorders. It is disheartening, but true, that when a person is honest about having a mental illness, the term "crazy" can be attached to them as a result. However, statics show that one in every five adults is diagnosed with a mental illness every year.

Having a mental illness can affect a person's ability to think, feel, and behave rationally. The development of mental illness can negatively impact a person's personal relationships, their ability to work, and to maintain an overall normal life. Yet, with the proper treatment, a person can attempt to re-acclimate themselves into society

One of the most common mental disorders that people develop is anxiety disorders. During this disorder, an individual is distressed and experiences frequent instances of fear as well as unease. The symptoms are most commonly seen when periodically public speaking or going on job interviews. The anxious feelings tend to last for an extended period of time, at least six months typically.

If an anxiety disorder goes untreated, more serious symptoms may occur, including panic attacks, nightmares, obsessive thoughts, and becoming fearful of leaving one's house. Medications and therapy can help prevent symptoms for reaching this point or assisting when a more serious indicator arises.

The most common forms of anxiety disorders include panic disorder which means a person develops a sudden onset of fear or a sense of danger over seemly innocent situations. A person will also oftentimes feel as though they are losing control, which amplifies their level of anxiety.  The most common symptom is panic attacks, which can happen at any time and in any place.

People who suffer from panic attacks tend to fear when the next attack will strike. This can lead to a person avoiding situations where an attack could take place. The signs that a person is experiencing a panic attack are difficulty breathing, dizziness, stomach pain, and tingling of the hands.

It is more likely for a woman to develop panic disorder than a man, and the disorder is most often seen in young adults. A person who is under a lot of stress also has an increased likelihood of developing the disorder.

Treatments include therapy and medications. Therapy can be used to alter a person's pattern of thinking before panic sets in. Medications are used to chemically assist the brain in recognizing unnecessary levels of fear over a given situation.

Obsessive-compulsive disorder is another anxiety disorder where a person has frequent distressing thoughts called obsessions. Some examples of obsession include a fear of germs, a fear of getting hurt, or a general fear of anything harmful happening. In order to control a said obsession, a person utilized a compulsion to prevent the distressing thoughts from coming true. Compulsion is when a person is feeling an overwhelming need to repeat a ritual or behavior to maintain a sense of control. Some examples of compulsions include washing one's hands, flicking the light switch on and off three times when entering a room, or repeatedly checking to see if the oven is in fact shut off. OCD can get in the way of a person's everyday life because if a situation goes against a person's ritual, they will become extremely anxious.

Researchers believe that there is a circuit in the brain that does not function properly in those who have OCD. The disorder oftentimes runs within a family as well. The treatments for the disorder include medications and therapy, or in some cases, the use of both. One of the most effective forms of therapy for OCD is cognitive behavioral therapy where an individual works with a counselor to challenge unrealistic and distressing thoughts.

Another anxiety disorder is post-traumatic stress disorder where a person exhibits signs of fear and stress even long after a traumatic event has ended. The disorder is most commonly found with people who have been to war, have been sexually assaulted or abused or a bad accident.

Problems that are connected to PTSD include flashbacks, nightmares, bursts of anger, and an overwhelming feeling of guilt, worry or sadness. The disorder can affect both the person with the disorder and the people around them.

Post-traumatic stress disorder can happen any adult, teen, or child who is put through a traumatic experience. The symptoms can start as soon as the stressful event ends or symptoms may appear months and maybe even years after the event has ended.

Medication and talk therapy are the most common tools used to treat the disorder. There are also people who find both medication and therapy combined is the best course of action. Therapy can last anywhere between 6 to 12 weeks or until the symptoms are gone.

Social phobia or social anxiety disorder means a person has irrational thoughts that other people are judging and scrutinizing them. The disorder is at its peak during parties and social events. It does not matter if the gathering is with strangers or family members; the stress level is still all-consuming.

Social phobia can begin in a person’s teen years but affects both men and women equally. Individuals with overprotective parents or a limited amount of social interactions have a high risk of developing the disorder.

Those who develop social phobia are also at risk of using drugs or alcohol to relax in social situations. It is important to find safer alternatives to cope and work through the disorder.

The most widely used treatments include behavioral therapy, medications, and lifestyle changes. During a lifestyle change, a person increases their amount of exercise, they can enough sleep, and they have regular and healthy meals daily.

One final anxiety disorder is generalized anxiety disorder is when a person has an excessive amount of worry and anxiety even when a situation does not call for it. People who suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder will have a sense of worry and unease about everyday tasks and situations. The individual is aware of their excessive level of worry, but they also have a difficult time keeping their anxiety at bay.

The disorder progresses slowly and oftentimes begins in teens but carries into adulthood. Teens with the disorder typically worry about performances both during sports and in the classroom. They also have high levels of anxiety over unlikely catastrophes such as earthquakes or tsunamis.

During adulthood, a person begins worrying about everyday circumstances, including the health of both themselves and their loved ones, finances, being late, and completing their everyday responsibilities.

GAD can cause physical symptoms that can make it difficult for a person to function in their everyday life. However, symptoms can fluctuate as well due to moments of increased levels of stress. Exams and presentations, as well as holding a family gathering, can increase a person's symptoms.

Before seeking treatment for the disorder, it is important to speak with one's doctor about symptoms in order to rule out any other possible health issue that may be the cause. If the results find that a person is suffering from Generalized Anxiety Disorder, medication, or psychotherapy are most commonly used to treat the disorder.

Mood disorders are a mental illness that affects many people around the world. Studies show that 1 in 10 adults suffer from a form of a mood disorder. However, even when a person does is not diagnosed with this disorder, they can empathize with the emotional aspect in some capacity.

The main difference between the emotions of someone with a mood disorder versus someone without a mood disorder is the severity of said emotion. Those who exhibit signs of a mood disorder find that their shifts in mood affect both their overall mental and psychological health and function. Symptoms of a mood disorder will oftentimes disrupt a person's everyday life.

The most common symptoms that develop during a mood disorder are extended periods of sadness or crying spells, feelings of worthlessness, noteworthy changed in appetite or sleep patterns, and loss of energy.

When these symptoms occur, it is important to speak to a doctor or counselor because mood disorder may also increase a person's likelihood of attempting to commit suicide. If a mood disorder goes untreated, other chronic health issues can arise as a result, including diabetes and heart disease.

One of the most widely known mood disorders is a major depressive disorder where a person experiences insistent and prolonged periods of sadness. The causes behind a person's sudden onset of depression can be environmental, behavioral, genetic, or psychological.

The disorder typically begins during a person’s teen years and is more likely to occur with women than men. Some slight variations of the disorder are postpartum depression, which occurs after a woman gives birth. The other variation is a seasonal affective disorder, meaning a person experiences their persistent moments of sadness when there are fewer hours of daylight.

Talk therapy and antidepressant medications are the most effective tools used to treat forms of depression.

Depression is a key component of another mood disorder—bipolar disorder. A person alternates between moments of intense sadness, or depression, and extreme happiness, or mania. The individual will also have moments of moods that are seen as normal in between the episodes of mania and depression.

The cause of the disorder is not always clear; however, genetics or brain abnormalities tend to play a factor. The symptoms also usually do not begin until a person is in their late teens or early adulthood and lasts a lifetime.

Medications cannot extinguish the disorder, but it can help to maintain the symptoms. If Bipolar disorder goes untreated, a person’s relationships, job performance can be negatively affected. Suicide is also possible when episodes reach their peak.

Schizophrenia and psychotic disorders are mental disorders that affect a person's cognitive and emotional brain function as well as their overall sense of reality.

Schizophrenia affects the most basic functions of a person's life, including language thought processes, and the perception of others and one's self. Some other possible reasons for a person developing psychosis are drug and alcohol problems, brain tumors or infections, and having a stroke. However, Schizophrenia is the main form of psychotic disorder.

The most common symptoms are incoherent speech and unusual reasoning. Hallucinations are also a well-known component of Schizophrenia, where a person has a false perception. An example would be hearing voices or seeing something that does not exist in reality. Delusions are the other main component of Schizophrenia, which means a person has false beliefs. An example is a person who believes that someone is sending them secret messages in a viral video.

The treatment options for Schizophrenia and other psychotic disorders can include medications used to control the symptoms or talk therapy. However, hospitalization may also be an appropriate course of action. When a person with the disorder could possibly harm themselves or someone else, that is an indicator that a hospital is necessary.

Eating disorders are another type of mental disorder that can occur as a result of pressure to create a certain image.

The use of plus-size models and the development of the “curvy” Barbie doll has helped to reshape the ideal female body; however, people still struggle with eating disorders. With the right support, a person can overcome this disorder and lead a healthier lifestyle.       

The disorder typically begins during adolescence, and if it goes untreated, other serious health issues can occur, including kidney and liver damage, infertility, gum disease, and diabetes. Women are more likely to develop the disorder than men, partly because of the pressure on a woman to create a particular "image" to match society's views.

There are three main types of eating disorders, including Anorexia nervosa. During this disorder, a person becomes extremely thin over a short period of time. The individual has a high level of anxiety and fear of gaining weight. They also exhibit a distorted view of the "ideal" body weight.

A person with anorexia will restrict how much food they eat in order to not gain any weight or to continue losing weight. Exercise is also used to lose weight when a person burns more calories than they are eating in a day. However, no matter how much weight the person loses, they continue to fear gaining weight.

On the surface, the disorder is about food, but in actuality, it is a coping mechanism to deal with emotional problems. The person with the disorder begins drawing parallels between being thin and self-worth.

The symptoms that can be used to detect whether or not someone is suffering from anorexia are dizziness and fainting, lack of menstruation, dry or yellowing of the skin and swollen arms and legs.

Some of the behavioral symptoms to take note of include the frequent skipping of meals, social withdrawal, wearing thick layers of clothes, even when the weather does not call for it, and lying about how much food they have eaten.

Another eating disorder is bulimia nervosa, which means a person has episodes of excessive eating that are followed by strategies to lose weight gain quickly.

During the binge portions, a person loses control while eating, and the weight loss is used to regain control. The main ways to lose weight is to purge, fast, or excessive amounts of exercise. Purging can either mean a person is self-induce vomiting or using laxatives to expel any unwanted food from their system. Both the purging and binge eating are done in secret.

The main symptoms to look out for with this disorder are being anxious about one’s body weight and image, avoiding specific foods in order to limit their calorie count and having episodes where they eat an abnormally large amount of food in one sitting.

Some other red flags that can be a sign of bulimia are too much exercise if they go to repeatedly go to the bathroom after meals or during meals for long periods of time and fluctuating weight.

The last type of eating disorder is binge eating disorder. During this disorder, a person has episodes where they eat copious amounts of food without attempting to lose the weight afterward.

During an episode of binge eating, a person may either eat noticeably faster than they normally do, eating until one is uncomfortably full, eating large amounts of food even when one is not hungry, eating in private because one is self-conscious about eating a lot in front of other people and feeling depressed or guilty after eating large amounts of food in one sitting. In order to be diagnosed with binge eating disorder, a person must exhibit episodes at least two days per week and continue to persist for six months.

The individual loses their sense of control while binge eating and has a difficult time regaining said control. A person also likely vows to stop binge eating but cannot escape the compulsion to binge eat again.

Some of the main symptoms of binge eating are attempting to diet without actually seeing any weight loss, depression because of excessive consumption, and constantly wanting to eat alone. The severity of the disorder is labeled by how often the episodes of binge eating occur.

The final type of mental illness is dementia which is mainly associated with the elderly. However, dementia can take place long before a person's seventies and eighties. The illness as a whole focus on the loss of memory and consciousness to the point where an individual as a difficult time performing everyday tasks. In order for a person to be diagnosed with dementia, they must exhibit a deficiency of at least two of the brain's main functions including memory, visual awareness, language, reasoning and judgment and the ability to stay focused.

When a person develops dementia, they will likely have difficulty with their short-term memory. Some warning signs that a person is struggling with their short-term memory are losing track of their phone or wallet often, forgetting to pay bills, having a difficult time planning and finishing making meals and forgetting why one left the house.

It is vital to note that most forms of dementia are progressive, meaning the symptoms start out slow and get increasingly worse as time goes on. It is important to speak with a doctor is someone who is experiencing possible signs of the disorder. If dementia is caught early enough, a person can receive the highest level of treatment and may slow down the process. It also allows for both the person with dementia and their family to plan for the future.

Alzheimer's disease is the most well-known form of dementia. Research shows that the disease accounts for at least 60 percent of cases of dementia. The leading cause of the disease is age. People who are at the age of 65 or above are at high risk of developing Alzheimer's disease. Studies have also shown that a family history of the disease may also increase a person's chances of inheriting the disease.

There are seven stages to the disease which show the gradual decline in everyday mental functions. During stage 1, there are no noticeable changes in brain function, and a doctor's examination would not likely have a reason to diagnose a person with the disease. Stage 2 is where the impairment can be noted. A person will have slight short-term memory deficiencies but will most likely appear to be related to aging. During this stage, the individual may forget where they put their phone or keys for a few moments. The person may also have a slight difficulty with choosing the correct words at times. For example, the individual might choose the wrong word while speaking or forget words and common places.

Stage 3 is when the symptoms become more noticeable to friends and family. A person’s language continues to decline. For example, they forget words more often and begin forgetting people’s names. During this stage, a person will also have a tough time with social and work-related responsibilities that used to be accomplished easily. Forgetfulness is also a major component of stage 3, specifically forgetting appointments and significant dates and regularly losing valuables. Having a difficult time preparing and organizing and struggling to remember directions while driving can also arise during this stage.

For stage 4, a person will have a hard time remembering recent events, personal information, and events that happened in the past. An inability to perform mental math occurs as well. Paying bills and planning events continues to become increasingly more difficult. A shift in mood also comes out during this stage. A person might become antisocial, depressed, irritable, or anxious.

During stage 5, gaps in memory and brain function become increasingly more noticeable. The individual will also be unable to remember significant personal information such as their address, phone number, their job, and their children's names.

Simple mathematics is also extremely difficult during this stage. The person with the disease will also struggle to understand day-to-day life. For example, they might forget what day it is or where they currently are.

Stage 6 occurs when a person is no longer able to keep aware of their surroundings. They also exhibit shifts in sleep patterns, where the person spends hours sleeping during the day and awake during the night. The individual also is unable to dress by themselves or choose their own clothing. They cannot remember the names of their family and caregivers or their personal history. They show major changes in their personality and behavior and begin having hallucinations and delusions. For example, believing they need to care for a child that does not exist. They also become lost easily.

During the final stage, the individual loses their verbal skills, their basic motor skills, and their ability to control their own movements. They are no longer able to feed themselves, dress themselves, or bathe themselves. The stage also means the individual will find it challenging to sit or lift their own head without assistance. The disease also leads to ridged muscles and difficulty swallowing.

While there is no cure for the disease, there are treatment options that can slow the progression of symptoms and improve a person's overall quality of life when living with the disorder. The earlier the disease is detected, the more effective the treatments are. However, it can be difficult to identify Alzheimer's disease because the early symptoms can mimic those of other illnesses, and the common brain function changes that occur when a person is aging.

There are also specific medical exams that are most effective when determining whether or not a person has Alzheimer's disease, including neurological and mental exams. Researchers are working to develop more ways to diagnose people with the disease today.

Another form of dementia that is not as common but is just as taxing on the body and mind is Parkinson's disease dementia. During this form of dementia, a person loses their ability to think and reason. The disease also affects other brain functions such as memory and making accurate judgments. The dementia portion of the disease does not develop until a person has been living with the other symptoms of Parkinson's disease for several years.

The main risk factor for Parkinson’s disease dementia is age. Similar to Alzheimer’s disease, the likelihood of Parkinson’s typically increases once a person reaches the age of 65. However, some other risk factors are genetics and Mild Cognitive Impairment. MCI is when a person experiences a small but noticeable regression in their basic cognitive abilities such as memory and thinking.

The most common symptoms to be watchful of with Parkinson's disease dementia are a shift in memory and concentration, muffled speech, hallucinations and delusions, irritability, and disturbances with sleep patterns.

A person may be extremely drowsy during the day and develop a REM sleep disorder where a person acts out their dreams during REM sleep. The individual will talk out loud and have abrupt, and oftentimes violent, arm, and leg movements.

When attempting to diagnose a person with Parkinson’s disease dementia, there is no one particular test that will definitively prove someone has the disease. However, there are guidelines that can help to determine whether a person does have the disease or not. The first one is that the individual has already been diagnosed with Parkinson's disease because of deficiencies in motor movements. The other guideline is evidence of a negative shift in the protein deposits called Lewy Bodies. The change in the brain's Lewy Bodies has been directly linked to Parkinson's disease through countless studies.

There is no cure for Parkinson's disease or Parkinson's disease dementia, and there are no treatment options that can help slow down the progression of the disease. However, there are possible treatments that can help to manage the symptoms of the disease.

Another form of dementia that one might not initially think of is head trauma. The most common causes of head injuries are motor vehicle accidents, substantial falls, assaults or gunshot wounds to the head, and sports injuries. Famous cases of members of the NFL having too many head injuries over the years have been linked to severe and irreversible damage to the brain.

There are also certain groups of people who are more likely to endure a brain injury, including children and the elderly.

Children are most likely to receive a brain injury when riding a bike. However, the majority of children who experience a head injury are linked to child abuse. Shaken baby syndrome is a well-known example. The elderly is likely to sustain a head injury from accidental falls.

The symptoms that connect a head injury to dementia are those that alter a person’s thinking and ability to concentrate, their memory, language, behavior, mood, and interactions with other people.

Specific symptoms include the inability to think clearly, memory loss, mood swings, agitation, impulsive behavior, aggression and hostility, acting inappropriate in social situations and a decline in the ability to the thought process.

People oftentimes develop different combinations of symptoms depending on the location of the head injury, the force of impact, the damage that results after the injury, and the personality of the person prior to the injury.

Other mental illnesses can also develop, and in some cases, two or more illnesses can exist in the same person. Some of the possible major illnesses are depression, mania, anxiety, psychosis, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and suicide.

The support and assistance from family and friends is a vital tool used to help a person recover from dementia because of a brain injury. It is ideal to have multiple caregivers so that no one person is taking on all of the work to helping a loved one recover. The emotional rollercoaster can be tiring for both the person with dementia and their loved ones. It is possible for a brain injury to negatively affect a person’s ability to cope with the trauma and can lead to anxiety and depression.

It is also important that the caregiver(s) allow the person who was injured to exhibit levels of independence. Yet remaining patients in certain situations are also key because it is likely that a person with a head injury will have some degree of limitations for a certain period of time. It can be helpful to point out what the person with the head injury is still capable of doing rather on what that currently cannot do.

The recovery time period usually shows high levels of improvement around six months after the injury occurred. However, there are also instances where improvements are delayed up to five years after a person experiences the brain injury.

The later stages of HIV can also be linked to dementia because of the deterioration of mental functions, including motor skills. The HIV virus can attack a person's nervous system, which can lead to damage to the brain. The result is an HIV-associated neurocognitive disorder.

The symptoms linked to HAND are short attention span, headaches, lack of coordination and balance, memory loss, and mood swings. A person must exhibit at least two symptoms of HAND in order to be diagnosed with the disorder.

There are three main causes of HAND, one of which is Asymptomatic neurocognitive impairment. A person's mental abilities weaken; however, it does not reach the point where a person cannot function in their everyday life. Another possible cause is a mild neurocognitive disorder which means there is a noticeable but not all-consuming effect on a person's ability to perform everyday tasks. The last possible cause is HIV-associated dementia, where a person truly struggles to lead a normal life. The later stages can lead to psychosis, seizures, and bladder control.

Luckily there has been a rapid decline in the number of HAND cases because of the treatment and prevention options for HIV. The lowered risk also helps to prevent misdiagnosis because there are symptoms that vary between different people.

There is no cure for HIV-associated dementia, however antiretroviral therapy which can lower the amount of HIV that is in a person’s bloodstream. There are strands of ART that can help both a person’s blood and brain; however, no definitive results have been found that ART specifically focuses on the brain.

One final form of dementia is substance-induced dementia which focuses on the abuse of drugs and alcohol or being exposed to toxins. Studies have shown that drugs and alcohol can have lasting effects on a person’s mental functions. Drugs and alcohol are also possible risk factors for early-onset dementia. Alcohol, in particular, can be damaging to a person’s mental functions.

Some specific ways alcohol can affect the brain are direct damage to a person's brain cells, alterations to the vascular system in the brain, and an increased likelihood of hemorrhaging. Alcoholism also increases a person's chances of falling, which can result in a head injury.

Substance-induced dementia has sudden and substantial side effects, including loss of balance, disorientation, muscle spasms, and intense confusion.

The best way to stop signs of dementia is to stop consuming alcohol, and the main treatment option to stop substance-induced dementia is an alcohol treatment program.

Chapter 2: The Importance of Control

Anger is a part of life, and people can try to avoid it as much as they can, but at some point, everyone gets angry. However, it is possible to control a person's level of anger and keep the emotional effects at bay. One option is to use relaxation. Even the simplest relaxation tools can calm a person down. Deep breathing and using soothing imagery are great options for relaxation, but there are also books and courses that can aid in finding the best relaxation methods for each individual person.

When taking the deep breathing approach, a person will breathe from their diaphragm and visualize the breath as it comes from one's "gut" and exits their mouth. Another option is to repeat words such as "relax" and continue repeating the word while taking deep breaths.

Another approach is to visualize a place or situation that brings comfort that can be found in a person’s memory or imagination. Yoga is another great way to reach full-body relaxation. The effects of yoga are it can relax the muscles and as a result, bring full-body calming.

Cognitive restructuring is another option to keep anger from reaching a boiling point. The idea is to alter the way in which a person thinks. When a person is angry, and they use curse words or an aggressive tone, they are prompting negative inner thoughts. Anger is also notorious for causing a person to act out of character, and it can make a situation more dramatic than necessary.

When utilizing cognitive restructuring, a person must separate the anger from their thoughts to keep their thinking rational. An example would be instead of focusing on how awful a particular situation may be, acknowledge that something has gone wrong; however, getting angry is not going to fix the problem.

The words "never" and "always" are ones that should be avoided because they do not allow for room to see the positive or rational side of a situation. The words can also be used to justify a person's anger and do not assist in keeping a person's anger at bay.

Logic is the best way to defeat anger because even when anger is justified in a situation, the thought processes can quickly transition to irrational. This makes it extremely difficult for other people to want to help a person who is not acting rationally and fairly.

It is important for a person to continue reminding themselves that the world is not out to get them; they are just experiencing a bump in their everyday life. When a person begins to feel the anger taking over, they should remind themselves that the setback is only momentary, and letting the anger take over will not lead to a solution. This allows a person to wrap their head around a more balanced and realistic perspective.

Anger can also lead to a person demanding that others give them fairness, validation, agreeableness, and a willingness to have things get done their way. It is normal for a person to want appreciation and recognition from other people, and it is common for people to be upset when they do not get that. However, an angry person will demand they get what they want and not take other people's wants and opinions into consideration. When an angry person does not have their wants met, their disappointment transforms into full-blown anger. Some people use anger to mask their true feelings of hurt and disappointment; however, negative feelings do not actually go away.

Cognitive restructuring is used to teach an angry person to become aware of their demanding mindset and alter their high expectations into desires. An example of this is saying "I would like" rather than demanding or saying they "must-have" something. When a person utilizes this shift in communication, they are able to have normal reactions—disappointment, irritation, and hurt— and not anger.

Improving one’s problem-solving skills is another tool used to control a person’s tendency to become angry.

While some instances of anger may be petty or blown out of proportion, there are also times when a person is experiencing real life and prominent problems that explain anger. In those moments, anger is a reasonable and healthy response to a person’s hardships.

Society teaches people that every problem has a solution, but this idea can be detrimental to the human mind at times.

When a person has the idea in their head that there is a solution to their problem, but they cannot find it, this leads to heightened levels of frustration and anger. Rather than focusing on the solution to a problem, people should focus their energy on how to face and cope with the problem.

Making a plan is a useful way to approach the current problem. It is important to keep track of one's progress as they attempt to work through their setback, and they should also remember not to punish themselves if an answer to their problem does not come right away.

Having good intentions and putting in the right amount of effort to face a problem head-on leads to a person having more patients and not being discouraged when a solution is not found quickly. In turn, when a person takes the time to have a positive attitude while attempting to work through a personal problem, they are less likely to give up.

The refined skills of how a person communicates focus on acting on assumptions. When a person becomes angry, they tend to misinterpret and jump to conclusions when speaking to another person. They are also likely to act impulsively without thinking about how their words or actions could affect someone else. The first step to prevent acting hastily is to slow down and stop to think about the next response before acting. This goes for both thinking about one's own responses as well as the responses someone else is giving. It is imperative that a person's anger does not result in thoughtlessness. Instead, think about what one is going to say so that they are able to articulate a rational and appropriate response. They must also take the time to carefully listen to what the other person is saying so that miscommunication does not occur.

The other component of improving communication is to understand the underlying message behind anger. When a person is angry, it is usually because they are not getting something that they desire. Simply taking the time to understand what a person can solve an issue quickly. For example, if one person in a relationship seeks alone time and the other partner is looking to spend more time together, this can cause conflict. Say one day after the couple is arguing about not seeing each other enough, and it is important not to retaliate and call each other names.

Listen to the words behind the anger and attempt to understand what each person is looking to change in the relationship.

It is important not to get defensive and instead, focus on the underlying message. Understand, for example, if the person feeling neglected or suffocated. It is possible that one may have to ask questions to understand their partner's point of view fully but remain patient throughout the dialogue. Do not let anger take control but instead, have a calm and open conversation in order to reach a resolution.

Humor is a great way to defuse anger for a number of reasons. The first one is that it allows for a more neutral and rational perspective. When a person becomes angry, and they begin using colorful language to berate the subject of their wrath, a situation becomes tense. If an angry person takes the time to picture the person, they are angry at for who they truly are, then they can loosen up and lower their level of anger. For example, say a person is having a bad day, and they head out to a coffee shop to relax, and they come into contact with another rude customer. Rather than focusing on how much of a dirtbag the person is, actually visualize that person has a bag of dirt. This lets in a level of humor into the situation while also still acknowledging that one is dealing with a disrespectful person.

The other way humor can reduce anger is to use another visualization technique. Research shows that when a person is angry, they have a difficult time believing that they can be morally wrong in a given situation. An angry person typically has the thought that everything should go their way. However, that is not realistic and fair to the other people around them.

A way to fix the issue is to actually picture one's self as a goddess or an almighty ruler who is in charge of the streets, businesses and makes sure that every situation goes their way. The more details that are included in the false world, the more likely a person is to come to the realization that they are being unreasonable. The person is also able to see how unimportant the angering situations actually are.

The two above techniques allow a person not to take themselves too seriously, which is a useful tool because anger is a powerful emotion that can take over an individual's mindset if given the opportunity. Yet, there are also some flaws to humor that should be taken into consideration when using this technique. First, it is important to not use humor to the point where one is simply "laughing off" their problems.

This leads to a person not dealing with their anger and allows it to sit until the person cannot hold in the anger anymore. It is likely that the individual will act out against a person over something small because the individual just happened to be at their breaking point when the pair came into contact with one another.

The second possible issue is giving into the wrong type of humor. Even humor has a dark side, and if a person falls prey to the sarcastic and harsh type of humor, they are only finding another unhealthy form of anger. If a person is able to take these two points into considerations, it is possible that humor will be able to keep their anger at bay.

A change in a person's environment can be extremely helpful when trying to lessen a person's anger. When an individual find themselves becoming angry, take a look at one's immediate surroundings. Sometimes it is what is around a person that is actually causing anger and frustration. Everyday responsibilities and the problems that form in a person's life can lead to a person feeling stuck. The weight of a person's responsibilities can anger a person because they are trapped in a repetitive nature. The solution is to find time for a break. Look at the most stressful parts of the day and be sure to find time to schedule some "me time" where the person's healthy mental state becomes the priority. For example, instead of a working mother coming home from a day of work and cleaning, cooking and helping their kids with homework, the mother can walk into the house after work and not speak with anyone. Maybe for the first 15 minutes that the mother is home, she sits in a chair in her room and reads a book.

The rest of the family is not to disturb her unless the house is burning down. When the 15 minutes are up, she can go back to her responsibilities for the night. This allows her to mind a chance to decompress before jumping into the demands and expectations of her family.

A couple of other tips a person can benefit from when attempting to control their anger are timing, avoidance, and finding alternatives to situations that cause anger. With regards to timing, if a person and their partner find that there are certain times of day when they argue more, this could be a sign that is tabling a conversation for later. For example, if a pair tends to have a lot of conversations turning into a fight at night, this could be an indication that they are tired.

It may be wise to change the time of day when important conversations are discussed. This will most likely help keep these matters from becoming arguments.

The next tip is avoidance which means taking opportunities to avoid situations that one knows will cause anger. For example, if constantly seeing a child's unmade bed makes a parent angry, try shutting the door so that the parent does not see it. There are times when it is best not to look at what makes a person angry. At the moment, it may seem like it is best to keep telling a child to do what the parent asks them to do, but it is also wise to pick the necessary battles. It is better to turn away from an unmade bed and remain calm than to fight with one's child constantly.

The last tip refers to the idea that changing a person's patterns can diminish anger. If a person has parts of their daily routine that they know causes anger, look for ways to alter said routine to get away from the part that leads to anger. For example, if while going to work every day, a person knows that they will hit traffic almost every day, and this leads to anger, then try an alternate route that avoids the traffic. It can also be helpful to look for a more scenic route that can visually calm a person. Changing to a bus or train is also an option to avoid traffic.

If a person deems necessary, there is a way that a medical professional, mainly psychiatrists, and psychologists can help a person control their anger as well.

A medical professional may set up an intervention to help teach a person how to control their anger, or they could use talk therapy to work through the problem—suggesting anger management classes as another great option for controlling anger.

Anger management sessions can be taken one-on-one with a counselor or with a counselor in a group setting. When deciding the type of counseling and the number of sessions needed, a medical professional will first examine the person’s individual needs. It is possible that sessions can last anywhere between a few weeks and several months. It depends on a person’s readiness to change and how severe their anger issues are.

During the sessions, whether it be one-on-one or in a group, the counselor will help to identify one’s anger trigger signs. The counselor will also look at the person’s body language and their emotional responses for any indication of anger. Checking and picking up on a person’s anger warning signs is an early step used to control a person’s anger.

As the sessions progress, the counselor will teach individuals behavioral skills as well as ways of thinking that will aid in each person’s ability to cope with their anger. If an individual has underlying medical health issues, a counselor can also help them to manage their condition. As a result, the person will be better able to control their anger.

Anger management classes are an easily accessible option because one can choose to go to in-person meetings, or they can even take classes online. Studying anger management techniques can also be found in books, which give a person a more privet outlet to understand and improve their behavior.

When a person chooses to understand anger management, they are able to learn how to identify a person's individual frustrations early on, after which, they learn how to resolve their frustrations without requiring an angry outburst. The method may require that an induvial be open to speaking with other people, but also telling one's self, what they need. It is important that during the process, the person remains calm and in control of the situation in order to avoid an angry outburst.

Chapter 3: Social Anxiety Disorder

A brief overview of the mental disorder, a social anxiety disorder can be found in section 2. A more in-depth look into the disorder will provide a clearer and fuller picture of what the disorder entails. Social anxiety disorder, in part, is focused on social phobia, which means a person has a fear of being judged by other people. The reason why an individual's social anxiety becomes a mental disorder is it manipulates an individual's thoughts, behaviors, and emotions. However, there are also unique factors that make up the person being treated. For example, a person's family history and personal experiences will play a role in someone's social anxiety.

The two mean symptoms that a person with the disorder will do are they will avoid social situations, or they will experience extreme anxiety when put into a social situation. The majority of the people who have social anxiety will feel as though something just is not right when in a social environment but cannot pinpoint what the problem is.             

People with the disorder will be fearful of making a mistake or looking bad. As a result, they feel embarrassed and humiliated when in front of other people. The individuals with the disorder typically are aware that their thinking is irrational; however, their mind does not allow them to overcome the irrational thoughts, and so the anxiety continues.

Social anxiety may also cause a person to have a twisted mindset to the point where they have false beliefs about the social situations they are in, and they may develop negative opinions about the people around them as a result.

Along with social phobia is the component of anticipatory anxiety. This occurs prior to a social event. The individual will become anxious about a social situation day, and possibly even weeks before a social gathering takes place. This can prolong a person’s fear of an event and lead them to withdraw from friends and family to cope with the anxiety.

Some of the noticeable symptoms that can arise during fear and anxiety for a social event include confusion, sweating, rapidly beating heart, stomach pain, diarrhea, shaking, and muscle tension. In children, the symptoms may also include crying, clinging to a parent, or have a tantrum. In both children and adults, if anxiety becomes severe enough, it can result in a panic attack.

A panic attack occurs when a person experiences a sudden feeling of discomfort that reaches its peak in a matter of minutes. Some of the more common symptoms of a panic attack include numbness and tingling, feeling detached from one’s self, shortness of breath, fast heart rate, dizziness, and nausea.

Due to the social anxiety symptoms and the possibility of a panic attack, these individuals tend to go into social situations with extreme distress, which may lead to them avoiding social gatherings altogether.

The most common situation that evokes anxiety, even though without the disorder, is public speaking. However, there is a multitude of situations that creates extreme anxiety, depending on the person. For example, some people show symptoms of social anxiety when having to use a public bathroom. Other people become anxious when eating, drinking, performing a task, or writing while people are watching them. Going to a party, on a date or flirting with someone new can also bring on symptoms of social anxiety. Other situations include speaking to a person of authority, giving one's opinion, walking into a crowded room, making new friends, or speaking up in front of other people. Some people will find mild discomfort when putting into these types of situations; however, the individual with social anxiety will find their thoughts, emotions, and behaviors consumed with their irrational fears when putting in one of the above situations.

Studies have shown that about 48% of the people in the United States will display some degree of shyness. Another study from Harvard Medical school estimate that 12% of the American population will experience a social anxiety disorder in their lifetime.

Percentagewise the numbers may seem small; however, when looking at the percentages in numbers around 140 million people are affected, to some degree, by shyness in the United States, and 15 million people show signs of social anxiety disorder.

The disorder typically occurs around a person’s adolescent years or young adulthood, yet it can also take place at any time in a person’s lifetime. Some people will show symptoms as early as early childhood.

The reason behind the sporadic onset of social anxiety stems from the delicate blend of psychological, environmental, and behavioral factors in a person's life.

One possible psychological factor is a traumatic event in a person's past. If a person was once in a social situation that caused them anxiety or fear, this could result in fear of the future social situation. Some examples of traumatic events include being bullied, being humiliated by peers, or being embarrassed in front of a group of people.

A possible environmental factor that can lead to social anxiety is if an individual observes another person being traumatized and laughed at by other people. They will remember that person’s actions and the results and become fearful of the same outcome happening to them if put in another social situation.

Children who are not given the opportunity to be put into enough social situations or are overprotected by their parents are more likely to have their social skills stunted. As a result, healthy overall social development is sacrificed. It is also important to note that the children who are not given the opportunity to learn proper social skills are likely to have their social anxiety worsen over time.

The main biological factors for the onset of social anxiety include an abnormality of the brain. Studies have been done to suggest that an odd performance by some of the brain’s circuits used to regulate fear and the fight-or-flight response occurs in some of the people with the disorder.

Another possible biological reason can be that the disorder is hereditary. If a parent, sibling, or one's own children show signs of social anxiety, then they are more likely to develop the disorder themselves.

Once a person is able to discern that they do have social anxiety, the next step is to learn how to treat it. Due to the fact that it is a mental disorder, the process of working through social anxiety will probably take time and a lot of effort. The most prominent enemy, when trying to fight social anxiety, is one's own mind.

When a person is put into a social situation where the environment or experience becomes negative, this can lead to the person developing negative beliefs and problematic behaviors. The said beliefs and behaviors are what fuels the social anxiety because of the shift in cognitive functioning it causes.

Some of the possible negative opinions that a person may have running through their mind about one’s self can include thinking that one is unlikable. Even when someone else tells the person with social anxiety that they are liked, it can still be difficult to change the belief because the belief becomes exceedingly powerful.

Other possible thoughts can be anxiety about not knowing what to say in a given situation, that a person will not feel like they belong, they will say something stupid and thinking something is wrong with them. Oftentimes, negative beliefs are connected to a person’s lack of self-esteem.

When a person has a diminished feeling of self-worth, it is easier for the negative thoughts to appear as the truth. A person with social anxiety will believe that they truly have nothing that they can offer in a social situation and in turn, they avoid said situation.

At first, the person will lower the number of symptoms they are experiencing by avoiding different types of social interactions; however, they are also not allowing themselves to live a complete life and will lead to worsening symptoms when they are put into a social situation that they cannot avoid.

It is important to note that it is not only the fear of a social situation that causes people anxiety. People with social anxiety also tend to believe that they do not deserve to benefit from healthy and successful social interactions.

This is because of the negative mindset a person with social anxiety builds about themselves. A person will typically beat themselves up before going into a social situation in order to gain some level of control over the upcoming interaction.

Mentally attacking and pushing one's self down, leads a person to reach a point where they cannot feel any lower about themselves. The goal here is to prevent other people from putting them down any further during social interaction. The individual may feel a sense of control as a result, yet the pain and suffering are far greater. It is also the main reason for a person's underdeveloped social life.

However, no matter how hopeless and undeserving a person may feel, there are treatment options that can aid in rebuilding a person’s self-esteem and allow them to grow their social skills.

The main goal of any treatment option is to detangle the negative thoughts, behaviors, and emotions a person feels related to social interactions. This enables the individual to become alleviated from their suffering and the barriers that have prevented them from living their life to the fullest.

The treatment of social anxiety disorder has three primary goals. The first goal is to help the person identify their misconceptions about social situations so that healthier thoughts can take over. When a person is suffering from social anxiety, they have automatic negative thoughts that are at the forefront of their mind. These thoughts are considered the mind’s trap. When a person is able to identify their individual mind traps, they are finding the foundation of their fear. An example is if a person with social anxiety is preparing for a presentation, they will have underlying thoughts such as, “I am going to embarrass myself” or “I am not going to know what I am talking about.”

It can be nerve-racking to think about why one is afraid and why they think a certain way about social interactions, but it is important to comprehend one's inner thoughts in order to overcome social anxiety.

Once the automatic inner thoughts have been identified, it becomes time to analyze said thoughts. Asking one’s self questions such as “even if I don’t know what I am talking about, will people actually notice?” and “Am I positive that I will embarrass myself?” The analysis of one’s inner thoughts allows them to identify the types of unhealthy thinking patterns or mind traps they have developed.

The possible thinking patterns or mind traps that a person may develop, including mind-reading. This occurs when one person jumps to conclusions about another person's thoughts, behaviors, or objectives without seeing if they are true. This is specifically true for social anxiety when the individual is thinking that other people are thinking bad thoughts about them. One example is thinking that the people around them are looking at the person with social anxiety and judging them as being strange or stupid.

Another possible thinking pattern or trap is catastrophic thinking, which means a person assumes that if a problematic event were to occur, the outcome would be horrific. A person with social anxiety would specifically focus on the possibility that if a negative event happens, they will not be able to handle the situation. They may also think about a difficult situation and think that there is no end to the event. One example is before a job interview, a person begins thinking that if they become too nervous, they will not be able to remember everything they want to say, and they will not get the job.

The third option is when a person puts on metaphorical negative glasses. When this occurs, an individual is pulling basically all of their focus on the negatives while ignoring the positives of a given situation. Positive assets, accomplishments, and behaviors seem irrelevant to a person with social anxiety. The person may go as far as to tell themselves that their positive attributes do not matter. One example is if, during a business meeting, the person is focusing on the person who is looking out the window rather than seeing the other 20 heads who are listening intently to what is being said.

The final possible negative thinking pattern or mind trap is fortune-telling. This is when a person makes negative predictions about the future, specifically how a person will act or what the outcome of an event will be. The individual believes that the prediction will come true even though rationally the prediction is not likely to be accurate. An example of this will be if a person thinks, "if I lose this job, I will never find another one."

Once the negative thinking pattern or mind trap has been identified, the final step is to alter the negative automatic thoughts and transform them into more beneficial thoughts about one’s self and possibly social interactions.

The second goal is to help the person control their anxiety by limiting their physical symptoms. When a person becomes anxious, there are changes that occur within their bodies, such as the speeding of one's heart rate, sweating, irrational thinking, and shortness of breath. However, there are techniques that can help a person to relax their body and reduce their physical response to anxiety.

When an individual's anxiety first beings to set in, they will experience the shortness of breath, which leads to the person feeling suffocated, dizziness, and the tensing of muscles. If a person is able to learn how to regulate their breathing, then they will be able to control their physical sensations of anxiety.

The use of a breathing exercise can help a person to remain calm during situations that typically would cause them anxiety. First, the individual should find a comfortable place to sit so that their back is bent, and their shoulders are relaxed. Next, place a hand on one's chest and the other onto one's stomach. Then inhale a slow and deep breath through the nose for four seconds. The hand on one's stomach should rise, but the hand on the chest should barely move at all. Hold the breath for two seconds once done inhaling.

Next, exhale the breath through one's mouth for six seconds. Expel as much air as possible during this portion of the exercise. The hand on the stomach should move during the exhale, but the hand on the chest should exhibit little movement.

Continue the process of breathing in through the nose and out through the mouth while focusing on the slow and steady pattern of inhaling for four seconds, holding that breath for two seconds and exhaling as much air as possible for six seconds.

In addition to deep breathing exercises, a person may also choose to utilize other relaxation techniques such as yoga, muscle relaxation, and medication. Any one of those techniques can help a person to gain self-control and learn to become more relaxed.

The final goal is to help the individual to stop avoiding social situations that have caused anxiety in the past. Facing one’s fears of a social situation head-on is one of the most beneficial tools used to overcome anxiety.

Avoiding uncomfortable situations can become very appealing to a person who has social anxiety because they can provide short-term relief from negative thoughts. However, in the long-term, avoidance does not allow a person to be able to learn how to cope with the stress that a social situation can cause. In actuality, the more a person tries to avoid social interactions, the more distressing future social situations become.

In other words, the more a person avoids their fears of social events, the more power the anxiety has over the person. Anxiety and confidence are extremely combative when they are put against one another which means in order to lessen one's anxiety; their confidence must first be built up.

Avoiding social interactions can also prevent a person from reaching their full potential or their goals. For example, if a person allows their fear of speaking up to stand in their way of voicing their creative thoughts in a meeting, this could be what stands in their way from getting the promotion they have worked so hard to reach.

At times, it can seem nearly impossible to face an intimidating social interaction, but a person can push through the fear and conquer the social situation if they take it one step at a time. Meaning, it is essential that a person faces their fears at a gradual and steady pace.

The best way to do so is to start with a situation the individual can handle and slowly work up to the more challenging aspects as time goes on. This will allow the individual to build their confidence and social abilities as they progress with facing their fears.

An example of how the process works could be if the idea of socializing with other people makes an individual nervous,

they may start by attending a party with a close friend. Once the person becomes comfortable with the steps it takes to be at the party, they can work up to speaking with a stranger.

In order to reach one’s success in overcoming social anxiety, the individual must remember to remain patient and not attempt to push towards a challenging situation until they are mentally ready to do so. It is not a smart idea to try to move through the process of overcoming anxiety too quickly, to try and take on too much or force any part of the process. This will actually make the anxiety worse in the end.

It can be extremely challenging to try to overcome social anxiety on one’s own, but with the correct treatment and tools, a person can lead a more full and happy life.

Chapter 4: The 21 Daily Strategies

No matter how hard people try to avoid stress, it is inevitable that people will find themselves in stressful situations in their lives. Whether it be an upcoming final exam, preparing for a trip, heading off to college, planning a wedding or buying a house, stress will be present. However, it does not have to be to the point where stress is monopolizing a person’s every thought. It is possible to function and thrive even when stress is near.

The following section will teach people some daily tips to keep in mind when dealing with stress. It is also possible that the tips can be used for people who suffer from anxiety disorders and are looking for ways to calm their bodies and their minds.

#1 The first tip is also one of the most important steps to take when attempting to control a person’s stress levels. It may seem ironic, but when a person puts physical stress on their body, they are actually elevating the stress in their mind. The benefits of exercise tend to be at their greatest when a person is exercising regularly. Studies show that individuals who exercise regularly are less likely to have anxiety compared to those who do not exercise regularly.

The main reasons why this is true are because of stress hormones, sleep, and confidence. In regard to stress hormones, exercise lowers the number of stress hormones in a person's body over time, specifically cortisol. Exercise is also able to increase the release of endorphins. These are chemicals in the body that strengthens a person's mood in a positive way. It can also be used as a natural painkiller.

Sleep can also be positively affected by exercise because exercise can improve a person's overall quality of sleep. Stress and anxiety tend to affect a person's sleep patterns negatively, and exercise is a healthy way to regulate sleep. People may use medications such as melatonin to help improve sleep during stressful events, but this may lead to a dependency on the drug to get a full night's sleep. This is why exercise is a healthy alternative that can exhaust the muscles and calm the mind.

One final reason why exercise can lower stress levels is that regular exercise can boost a person’s confidence.

When an individual is taking care of their body and begins to feel stronger, this translates to feeling more confident about one’s self. It is also possible that when a person is taking the time to exercise and make personal choices about what is happening to their body, they gain a sense of control which also promotes confidence and an overall positive shift in one’s mental wellbeing.

When using exercise as a stress reduction method, it is important to choose a routine or activity that a person finds particularly enjoyable. If an individual chooses an exercise option that is seen as a chore, then they are more likely to create excuses for why they cannot exercise on a given day.

Some examples of exercises that can be enjoyed including yoga, walking, dancing, and rock climbing. Studies have also shown that exercises like walking and jogging are especially helpful in relieving stress. This is because the repetitive motions target large muscle groups that benefit from regular exercise.

Another way to make exercising more enjoyable is to partner the activity with something else a person finds calming. For example, having a body-positive or empowering playlist of songs can be a mental push to continue exercising. Reading while on an electric bicycle or watching a favorite TV show can also be ways to pass the time.

#2 It may seem risky and worrisome to consider using supplements to reduce stress, but there are healthy and beneficial options that can do the trick. One option is the beverage green tea. The organic supplement contains antioxidants which have positive effects on a person’s body. Studies indicate that consuming green tea can lower a person's risk of developing certain cancers, improve weight loss, and benefit brain functions.

Lemon balm is a form of mint that is linked to anti-anxiety because of its efforts in calming both the mind and the body. Valerian is another option for stress reduction due to its ability to act as a sleeping aid. The supplement is able to tranquilize the body, and the component of valerenic acid adjusts GABA receptors to reduce anxiety levels.

Omega-3 fatty acids, ashwagandha, and kava kava are a couple of other options for stress reduction because of their shared abilities to lessen symptoms of stress and anxiety.

It is important to note that some of the supplements may have a reaction to certain medications and can cause side effects in people. For this reason, people should consult with a doctor before using a supplement to reduce stress.

#3 Using a scented candle or essential oils can reduce a person’s stress and anxiety levels as well as improve an individual’s sleep patterns. The act of using scents to improve a person’s mood and calm their mind is call aromatherapy.

There are specific scents that can be used to soothe an individual, including orange, lavender, rose, neroli, sandalwood, geranium, and roman chamomile.

#4 Limiting a person’s intake of caffeine is another tool for reducing stress. Caffeine is a stimulant that can be found in any energy drink, tea, coffee, and chocolate. When it is taken in high doses, the stimulant can cause stress and anxiety.

Everyone has their own threshold to caffeine in relation to how much their body can tolerate in one sitting. People who have a low threshold to the stimulant will find that they become jittery, shaky, or anxious after consumption. If this is the case, consider cutting back or cutting out caffeine altogether.

Even though there have been studies conducted that show the benefits of having coffee, the health benefits are only true when the caffeine is taken in moderation. Five cups or fewer are the preferred amount.

#5 Stressful thoughts can really mess with a person’s mental process as a whole. One way to prevent this from occurring is to write down the stressful and worrisome thoughts. The other option is to focus on writing down the things that a person is grateful for rather than dwelling on the adversities.

There is a possibility that gratitude can be linked to stress relief and the reduction of anxiety because of the focus a person puts on the positives in their life.

Looking at the positives in life can also build up a person’s self-worth which can also lower a person’s stress levels,

#6 A quick and easy stress relief option is to chew gum, and it can be done anywhere at any time. Studies have even been conducted to showcase the benefits of chewing gum. A finding that was found from one study was that chewing gum could lead to comfort and as a result, lower their stress levels.

Another study found that a specific way of chewing gum can lead to greater stress relief, which is chewing the gum in a strong manner. The effects of chewing gum may seem strange or hard to believe, but two possible reasons for why gum can help with stress are that the process of chewing gum has similar brain wave effects as the brain waves that occur with when people are relaxed. The other possible explanation is that chewing gum actually increases blood flow to one's brain.

#7 Making sure that a person is able to have a strong support system of both friends and family can provide a strong foundation for getting through emotional and stressful hardships. Specifically, when a person is able to be a part of social networks can lead to a sense of self-worth and belonging.

A couple of studies have been done to test the advantages of having healthy social relationships. One study was done that focused on women. The results were that women, in particular, benefit from close relationships with both friends and children releases oxytocin, a natural stress reliever in the human body. It has also been found that having a strong support system gives the opposite automatic response that the "fight or flight" response gives off.

Another study was done on men and women that found that when people had few social connections, they were more likely to develop mental disorders like depression and anxiety. The study also was showed that both men and women could benefit from having multiple social relationships.

#8 A great way to lower a person’s stress levels is to give one’s self the opportunity to laugh. When a person is too busy laughing, it becomes too difficult for them to focus on their anxiety.

Some ways to create more laughter in a person’s life are to surround one’s self with family and friends that can allow people to be themselves, watch a funny TV show or movie and maybe go see a comedian that one knows will make them laugh.

There are even a couple of healthy ways that laughing can reduce a person’s stress. One way is it can lessen a person’s stress response. The other option is laughing can ease a person’s tension through relaxation of the muscles.

Laughter can also have long-term health benefits, including improving both a person's mood and the immune system.  There was also a study done with cancer patients where there were two groups of people, one group was given a chance at comic relief, and the other group was not. The results found that the individuals who were a part of the test group who were given a chance at comic relief had more stress reduction than those who were not given a chance to laugh.

#9 Learning to be able to tell people "no" is not always as simple as it sounds. When a person feels an expectation that they need to help other people, they can spread themselves too thin to the point where they cannot seem to find time meet their own desires. This can lead to high levels of stress because it becomes difficult to find the time to follow through with everything that needs to get done. However, it is important to keep in mind that not all stressors can be controlled, but there are some that can be. One of which is learning to tell people "no."

It can become increasingly problematic if an individual is unable to tell people “no” because when a person is trying to juggle too many different projects at one time, they begin feeling overwhelmed and may start to think that they cannot handle finishing some of the tasks. This can then lead to guilt over letting people down and a diminished level of self-worth because they were unable to meet their goal.

A way to prevent taking on too many projects at one time is to be selective about which tasks one is taking on and do not try to take on unnecessarily large loads of reasonabilities. This will do wonders will lowering an individual’s stress levels.

Take the time to step back and take control of the parts of one's life that can be changed that might be causing stress. Before a person is mentally ready to help other people, they have first to learn how to help themselves.

#10 The benefits of procrastination almost nonexistent, and the added stress it can bring is definitely not one of them. The main negative results of procrastination are it can cause a person to act compulsively or scrabble to finish a task, and heightened levels of stress can lead to further health issues, including sleep deprecation.

When a person is able to keep up with their priorities and not give in to procrastination, they are capable of maintaining control over their stress. Some ways to prevent procrastination are to create a to-do list that keeps a person aware of every task that must get done. One can also make their own deadlines and be sure to hold themselves accountable for each of them.

The deadlines should be realistic, and it is wise to work down the list. Keep in mind which tasks need to get done by a given day and make sure to carve out uninterrupted portions of time for one task at a time. It can become stressful to try to multitask and jump back and forth between multiple tasks.

#11 Yoga is promoted as a tool to reduce stress and relax the body for people of any age. There are various forms of yoga, including hot yoga, Anusara, and Bikram, all of which share a similar goal of bringing the mind and body together. This is primarily by increasing an individual's body and breath awareness.

There have been studies done to understand the effects yoga can have on a person’s overall mental health. The results have found that yoga can be used to improve a person’s mood and can even possibly act as an antidepressant to reduce anxiety and depression. However, more studies must first be conducted to understand the validity of yoga’s ability to improve mental health in individuals. 

So far, it appears that yoga's ability to reduce stress and anxiety stems from the effects it has on the body's nervous system and response to stress. Yoga may also be linked to the reduction of blood pressure and heart rate. It is possible that yoga will also elevate a person's gamma-aminobutyric acid, which is the neurotransmitter that is also lowered in mood disorders.

#12 Allowing the body to reach mindfulness is one of the main ways to reduce stress. Mindfulness is used to keep an individual in the present moment, which in turn forces them to abandon thoughts of stress.

Furthermore, the use of mindfulness can help fight a person’s internal negative thoughts of anxiety and stress. Recent studies have also been able to link mindfulness to improved levels of self-esteem, which can result in a reduction in symptoms of anxiety and depression.

The way in which a person is able to reach mindfulness is through the use of yoga, meditation, mindfulness-based cognitive therapy, and mindfulness-based stress reduction.

#13 Intimate moments with a significant other is another great way to relieve stress. It could be a simple as cuddling before bed or kissing, hugging, and sex that allows a person to become calm and relaxed.

There have been studies done to understand the benefits of physical contact. The results have been that when people engage in positive physical body contact, they are releasing both oxytocin and their cortisol levels are lowered. The body's natural response is used to lower physical symptoms of stress, including blood pressure and heart rate.

Surprisingly, humans are not the only species who use positive physical contact to relieve stress, chimpanzees have actually been known to cuddle their friends who are stressed.

#14 Many people are aware that music can be used as an emotional outlet. Whether a person is feeling happy, angry, or sad, they can use music to allow the emotion to reach its peak. Stress and music can have the same relationship. Studies have shown that music can be used to soothe the body into a state of full-body relaxation.

The use of slow instrumental music can prompt a relaxation response because soothing music has an unintentional ability to lower a person’s blood pressure and heart rate. Music is also able to reduce the release of stress hormones into the body.

Listening to music that a person finds enjoyable can be relaxing, but specific sounds such as classical, Native American, and Celtic music are particularly beneficial. Nature sounds that can be heard in both relaxation and meditation music can also be calming.

#15 Breathing exercises are a great way to teach the body how to find a full-body calmness in a short period of time. When a person becomes stressed, their sympathetic nervous system is activated, which causes the "fight or flight" response to set in.

During the "fight or flight" response, the body's stress hormones are released, which leads to the individuals exhibiting physical symptoms such as a quickened heart rate, rapid breathing, and restricted blood vessels. In order to regulate the body's basic functions, the parasympathetic nervous system must set in.

One of the best ways to achieve this is to utilize a breathing exercise which creates a controlled relaxation response. There are multiple different types of breathing exercises, including abdominal breathing, paced respiration, and diaphragmatic breathing or belly breathing.

During abdominal breathing exercises, a person is able to calm their mind and body, create a renewed energy, and maintain focus. The exercise requires that a person breath in through the nose and allow the diaphragm to expand, but not the chest.

Paced respiration is used to create a balance between a person’s heart and their respiratory system. This promotes the activation of the body’s stress reduction mechanisms.

When using diaphragmatic breathing, also known as belly breathing, the individual is strengthening their diaphragm, which is an important muscle used in a person's everyday breathing. This particular breathing exercise is the main technique used in both relaxation and meditation.

Some of the benefits of diaphragmatic breathing are it lessens the stress hormones in the body, it reduces a person's heart rate, it can lower blood pressure, and it can also allow the body to be able to tolerate intense levels of exercise.

Any of the above breathing exercises can be found on phone apps and the internet to ensure a person is performing the technique correctly.

#16 Emotional support animals are not the only pets who can aid their owner’s stress and anxiety levels. Studies show that spending time with one’s pet can improve a person’s overall mood.

It is possible that when interacting with a pet, a chemical in the brain called oxytocin is released. The chemical is used to promote a positive mood in an individual.

Some of the specific ways in which a pet can help alleviate stress are the pet can give a person a sense of purpose, they can help to keep a person active, and they can create companionship.

Even though stress can take place at work or at home, there are simple ways to reduce a person’s stress levels and the overall pressure a person may be feeling. The main goal of the tips is to get one’s mind away from the main source of stress. Stress reduction will also help an individual to achieve a more well-balanced lifestyle.

#17 When a person is able to stick with eating a healthy diet, they are actually providing an opportunity to reduce their stress levels. Studies have shown that when eating a healthy diet, a person is building a more durable foundation for their body because certain foods reduce oxidation as well as inflammation. Healthy foods are also widely known for helping to prevent weight gain.

This issue becomes finding the time to prepare a healthy meal. When an individual finds themselves under a great deal of stress, it can be hard to fit in making a healthy meal, and so, takeout becomes the choice more often than not. Eating out can limit the number of healthy nutrients that a home-cooked meal can provide. If a person is able to implement a routine to prepare healthy meals ahead of time, this can solve the problem of unhealthy eating.

Studies have shown that when a person is eating at home, rather than eating out, they are more likely to choose healthier food options. One way to ensure that a person has healthy food on hand is to keep up with buying foods that are rich with nutrients. Many of these types of foods can also be kept frozen or dried — for example, fruits and nuts as well as high fiber cereals.

There are also healthy foods that have been known to counteract some of the negative symptoms that stress can cause. One symptom is the increase in blood flow to the brain and throughout the body. The specific foods that have been linked to blood flow contain omega-3, vitamin E, and polyphenols. Some foods that contain these components include dark chocolate, red wine, and blueberries.

There have also been recent studies done where a link between a healthy digestive process and the brain. Specifically, the gut’s microbiome can influence the brain and other bodily functions. Consuming foods such as yogurt, beans, fiber-rich cereals, and vegetables help to support a well-functioning microbiome.

#18 Taking the time to "see the big picture" can also lead to stress reduction. There are points in a person's life when they find themselves littered with multiple projects and tasks. Learning to tell people "no" is one way to fix the stress, but when the tasks are all to benefit one's self in some way, a different option must be considered.

When a person takes the time to step back and look at everything that needs to get done, this can help alleviate some of the stress. The best way to use this trick is to look at the current task that is being dealt with and think about how important it is that this particular task gets done at that moment. Next, think of some of the other tasks that are waiting to get done and consider which of those are the most important.

Once this is figured out, it is time to set aside any task that does not need to be done at that moment and focus one's attention on the most important project. For example, say a person needs to finish a presentation for a client. The actual finishing of the presentation is the priority, and the act of making the presentation astatically pleasing would only be a bonus. Do not focus too much attention on the component that is not required because this will build unnecessary stress because this may lead to a person's inability to complete the true task or goal that originally set out for.

#19 Learning to do what lets a person calm down is an important step to maintain one's stress levels. It may be meditation, yoga, or light exercise; be sure to discover what works best for one's self. It could also be as simple as talking on the phone to a family member or friend.

Once a person is able to discern which method is best for them, it is time to implement that said method into their everyday life. One example is if a person finds that meditating is an appealing soothing technique, every night before bed the person can take 15 minutes to listen to a meditation exercise or mediation music and then go to sleep. This can lead to a more regulated sleeping pattern, as well.

It is also important that when other people suggest some possible soothing tactics or advice in general, do not take it at their word. Make sure to listen to one’s self about what will calm them down the best. Everyone has their own ways of keeping calm. And so, what might work well for one person, may not work as well for someone else. 

#20 Similar to learning what allows a person to remain calm, learn one's triggers that result in heightened stress as well. Take a moment to think about which situation causes the most stress because they end up being the instances where avoidance is key. For example, if one of the worst triggers is being stuck in traffic while going to work, try taking a different route that has less traffic.

Understanding one's triggers can also help a person to work through and overcome their stress. If a person is able to pinpoint which occasions cause them the most stress, they can write those triggers down and work down the list one by one to prevent stress.

For example, say instead of the traffic, an individual becomes stressed about not having enough time to get ready before work in the morning. They can try setting their alarm half an hour earlier to give themselves more time before work.

#21 All of the above steps used to reduce stress share a common goal, which is to take care of one’s self first. When a person lets stress take over, other health problems can arise that can be harmful and sometimes irreversible if they reach a certain point, one of which is diabetes.

When a person finds themselves under a great deal of stress, the basic functions that keep a person healthy seem to become less important, such as sleep and eating. However, recent studies have been conducted, which shows that the basic human functions can actually be used to reduce stress. For example, getting a full night’s sleep can lead to better productivity and a reduction in stress hormones.

Eating a healthy diet, as previously stated, also has its health benefits. However, it goes beyond eating healthy. People will choose not to eat at all because they feel as though they do not have the time. Also, watch out for foods that have a high glycemic index to them because they can cause a person to feel even more hungry than when they had not eaten yet. When a person does not eat enough, or they choose to eat foods that contain components that leave a person feeling hungrier, this can lead to irritability and added stress to an already stressful day or situation.

Whether a person is prepared for a stressful time or not, the effects that stress can have on a person both emotionally and physically can wear a person down. If a person implements everyday stress reduction methods, they can be ready for known and unknown stressful situations.

Chapter 5: Awareness

Self-awareness is the process of being mindful of the way one feels, thinks, and behaves. Some of the possible ways a person can go about improving their sense of self-awareness include paying attention to what bothers a person about other people. It is common a person is irritated by certain qualities of other people because those qualities are actually a reflection of what one does not like about themselves.

Reading high-quality fiction can lead a person to find self-awareness because novels portray details of human nature, including emotions, thoughts, actions, and desires that people tend to miss while going through their busy everyday life.

The authors of good fiction teach readers how to develop empathy towards others, which can lead to a better understanding of how to treat one’s self. And so, take a moment to find some high-quality fiction to reach a new level of self-awareness.

One other possible way to build self-awareness is to discover what a person's emotional kryptonite is. There is no negative emotion that is desirable, but there tends to be one specific negative emotion that each person dislikes more so than the rest. This results in a great deal of effort being put in to avoid said emotion. However, by avoiding a particular emotion, this does not allow a person to hear what the emotion is truly trying to tell them. It is important to try and learn to deal with the uncomfortable emotion in order to discover a newfound insight into one's self and the world around them.

It is imperative that people being to understand the way in which a person can build up their self-awareness, but it is also important to know why self-awareness is beneficial. Once a person is able to comprehend their inner thoughts and feelings as well as why they behave in a certain manner, they can begin bettering other aspects of their life. Some examples include better relationships, improvements in mood and decision-making skills, a more effective way of communicating, and an increased level of productivity.

Chapter 6: Emotions—Discover How Forgive

Similar to stress, forgiveness can be a difficult battle to overcome; however, when a person is able to forgive someone else for wrongdoing, they will release the resentment to regain healthy and more pleasant thoughts. There are also some specific reasons for why a person may choose to forgive, including a desire to be emotionally more stable because forgiveness can lessen a person's unhealthy anger.

A few other reasons why a person may forgive others are to mend broken relationships, to strengthens one's own character and to help the person who acted unfairly. When a person is able to forgive, they are showing signs of goodness towards the people who did not show the same level of kindness. Forgiveness is the only moral virtue that uses a just person's pain to benefit a person who has done wrong.

If a person is looking for ways to learn how to forgive other people, there are a few strategies that can help someone practice forgiveness. One way to do so is to see forgiveness as a gift to one's self rather than someone else. People may hold onto a grudge because they do not want to help the person who has wronged them, but really a grudge is hurting one's self even more.

Going directly to the source of the grudge can also help lead a person to forgiveness. Take the time to look at one’s thoughts, emotions, and sensations towards the act of wrongdoing. Writing down the negative emotions can teach a person how to let go of the troubling thoughts once and for all.

A person can also look at the impact the grudge has on them the longer they hold onto it. Look at what specific areas of one’s life have been affected by the grudge and judge whether or not the grudge is worth all of the negativity it has caused.

One other strategy for forgiveness is to acknowledge what a person truly wants out of confronting the person who has wronged them. If a person needs to express their full level of anger and hurt towards the person, then do it.

If a person feels that they need to have the support of a friend or loved one while they express the pain that someone has caused them, then do that. It is important to be open and honest with both one's self and the person who wronged them so that they can begin to heal inwardly.

Forgiveness can benefit a person in a multitude of ways, but it will take time to push one’s self to work through a grudge. Make sure that one gives themselves the tough love that is needed to face the challenge of forgiveness head-on.

Chapter 7: Get Out the Stress from Your Life

There are ways to work through stress and ways to try to prevent stress, but it is also important that people understand the reasons why they are stressed out in a given moment. Stress is a normal part of life, but it can also be difficult to pinpoint what exactly is causing a person such high levels of stress. It can be a combination of small stressors or one unforeseen stressor that puts a person into full panic mode.

Stress is a common occurrence in the workplace; people have even been known to admit to work being the largest stressor for them. There are particular instances in the workplace that can bring a person a great deal of stress including having an overall unhappy attitude towards one's job, taking on too many responsibilities or having a large workload, working overtime, possible dangerous conditions that come with specific jobs, giving company presentations, the possibility of a job promotion or demotion, and experiencing harassment in the workplace. Harassment can be extremely stressful, especially when it is done by someone higher up in the company.

The stressful occasions in life can also take place outside of the workplace, say at home. Examples of life stressors include divorce, childbirth, buying a new house, financial struggles, traumatic events like an earthquake or house fire, hosting family gatherings, and taking care of a sick relative or parent.

Stress is not always controlled by what is happening in the outside world. Stress can take place within a person's mind, as well. When a person becomes too consumed with negative thoughts, their stress levels will skyrocket. Some examples of internal stressors include fear and uncertainty. The fear of the unknown, which can come from the possibility of a terrorist attack, a shooting, and global warming, can lead a person to feel copious amounts of stress because these possible disasters are out of their control.

A person's attitude and perception towards specific situations and the world, in general, can lead to high levels of stress. For example, if a person's house is broken into, a person who is in an anxious frame of mind will worry that the burglars will come back later on and become extremely sad about what was taken.

If a person is able to remind themselves that their insurance will pay for the damage caused and that burglars do not typically return to a place they have already broken into, then they will not be stressed out.

Any major life change can also cause a person to become stressed and possibly depressed. An event such as a funeral or a divorce can internally lead to feelings of guilt and an understanding that what they lost will not come back. Yet, it is not only the unfortunate events that can lead to stress, but happy situations like a wedding or a baby can also cause a person to remind them of what must get done and the possible problems that could arise.

Ways that a person can work out their stress on their own have been spoken about; however, there is one type of therapeutic technique that has yet to be addressed, self-hypnosis. A person can learn to use their own voice and thoughts to hypnotize one’s self.

The use of self-hypnosis can be used to relieve stress in two ways, one of which is to bring one’s self into a deeply relaxed state. This process is used to release tension and activate a person’s relaxation response.

The other form of self-hypnosis is used to accomplish multiple healthy lifestyle changes which can reduce the amount of stress a person encounters in their life. For example, this type of self-hypnosis is used to help a person stick to an exercise routine. This particular type of hypnosis can also be used to reduce their stress towards anxiety-provoking situations.

The process of self-hypnosis includes the person putting themselves into a deep trance or relaxed state of mind but remain in a focused state (like a meditation), and then making propositions to their subconscious mind.

Hypnosis can be extremely rewarding for multiple different issues, including chronic pain, stress, and simple relaxation. All a person needs to do is use a book, video, or an online article to learn the process of self-hypnosis before beginning to use the technique on themselves.

Chapter 8: Keep Calm at Every Provocation

The ability to become calm is something that can strongly help with stress reduction. However, some people are naturally more calm than other people; and so, there are certain actions and mental choices that calm people make that allow them to be more readily relaxed.

One characteristic of a calm person is their ability to deal with problems at the moment rather than let the stress fester. A person who is calm will not anticipate their problems or put off dealing with an issue until they have to. Instead, they will swiftly take the problems as they occur. This allows them not to become overwhelmed with too many issues at once.

When people struggle to cope with stress, they typically worry a lot about the problems before they even happen. This leads to them avoiding the problems that have already occurred. If an individual can learn to stop focusing on possible future problems, and work through the ones that are right in front of them, they will be learning a calmer approach to problem-solving.

Another attribute of a calm person is they are able to treat themselves kindly. When a person becomes stressed, they are likely to start internalizing their frustrations and worries and end up putting themselves down. This can lead to a person becoming depressed and developing a diminished sense of self-worth.

A calm person is able to see their mistakes and weaknesses and attempt to fix their errors and limitations without beating themselves up about it. This is because a calm person is aware that putting one's self down will not solve a problem; it is actually going to make it that much more difficult to overcome obstacles.

A person who is calm is also able to avoid dwelling on bad luck. These individuals are aware that life contains ups and downs, and the hard times will make them that much stronger. They are even able to believe in themselves and their capability to cope with bad luck and unfortunate circumstances.

The opposite is true for someone who is struggling with anxiety, stress, and depression because their minds will fill with the negative thoughts and avoid the good moment that has been had. If a person is struggling mentally, they may want to try and learn how to have their sights set on the good moments in life more so than the bad moments.

The fourth ability of a calm person goes along with the common saying that they are able to stop and smell the roses. Rather than being trapped in racing thoughts of what has gone wrong in a person’s life or only seeing the negatives in general, a calm person takes the time to be grateful for what they have. Calm people will take a moment to savor what is good in their life and the success that they have found over the years.

Calm people are also able to remember that a person cannot know everything someone else has been through; and so, they do not take other people's actions to heart. These individuals do not overthink about what could have gone wrong when a person acts weirdly towards them. This differs from a person who suffers from some type of mental illness or is currently under stress because those who are not overly calm will dwell on what they could have done wrong when someone acts strange. For example, a car beeps at the car in front of them when they do not make a turn right away. A person who is stress might focus on the fact that they were beeped at and think that the person is mad at them. A calm person will think that the person is in a rush but will remember that they should only make the turn when they think that it is safe to do so.

This goes along with the next characteristic of a calm person because these types of people know when to cut other people some slack. Since a calm person knows not to beat themselves up over the mistakes they've made or the flaws that they have, they are also able not to judge other people too quickly. Furthermore, they do not set unfeasible standards for other people.

A calm person is aware that even when someone has done their best, there will be times when they have a misstep. It is inevitable that it will happen, and it is better to try to help a person through their blunder rather than putting them down.

The next attribute of a calm person can benefit them as well as other people because these people have the ability to defuse a possible disagreement.

A calm person tends to try and find the middle ground in situations rather than thinking that the outcome has to be all or nothing. An example of how this can benefit a calm person is if the individual does not have the time to complete an entire task, they will do what they know they can get done instead of avoiding getting started at all.

An example of how finding a middle ground can help multiple people is if two people are struggling to decide what they should do for the upcoming weekend. One person may want to go out for drinks, and the other person may want to stay in and watch a movie. If one of the individuals is considered a calm person, they will likely look for the middle ground, which could be having drinks at home while watching a movie. The person who wanted to go out can be the one who picks the movie as well.

A calm person is also able to stay active even when they are feeling gloomy. It can be difficult to find the motivation to be active. It can be easy to make excuses such as it is raining and I do not want to get wet, or I do not have time to go to the gym today, I have too much to get done. A calm person will find other ways to stay active such as doing a workout through the TV if it is raining outside or jogging while mowing the lawn.

However, pushing through a hard time goes beyond exercise. It also means that the person is able to keep on top of the daily tasks. A calm person is not the type of person who leaves five days' worth of dirty dishes. While a calm person is aware that they need to give themselves some time to recover from a sad or disappointing instance, they are not going to let their lives completely unravel to the point where they cut themselves off from friends and family or become sluggish. They will make sure that they stay on top of what needs to get done but not overexert themselves beyond their mind and body can handle.

A calm person is also not the type of person to make a mountain out of a molehill. In other words, a calm person is able to distinguish between actual catastrophic events and small frustrations or hiccups.

When a person is in the mists of a stressful situation, the event can seem much more problematic than it actually is. When a calm person is put in a stressful position, they are able to take a step back and assess how troubling the event truly is.

One final characteristic of a calm person is their capability to take time for themselves to chill out. They know that it is important to let their mind decompress after a long day; and so, these individuals will use downtime to relax instead of attempting to fit in even more work. They also do not allow worrying thoughts creep in about upcoming tasks and the possible problems that may arise.

Once a person is under stress, it can be difficult to turn those stressful feelings and thoughts off but taking some tips from a calm person can actually help a person take a step back from the stress in their lives. If an easily stressed person is able to fake calmness until they make it, then soon they too will be a calm person.

As previously stated, one of the main differences between a calm person and an anxious person is that a calm person takes on stressful situations head-on. A calm person is aware that facing one's fears is a vital step to grow stronger. 

Some of the keyways to face provoking situations head-on induce embracing one's anxiety. Rather than wasting one's time on trying to fight anxiety, emphasize the building of courage. It is beneficial in the long run to address the fact that a person is feeling anxious and to accept that it is okay to feel anxious sometimes. A person can even go as far as to tell themselves that their anxiety is a sign that they are doing something imperative. 

Utilizing it and then planning is a great way to deal with possible problems in a realistic manner. Anxiety is powered by one's imaginations, which are often thoughts of worst-case scenarios. When a person is able to create a realistic plan for how to go about handling a problem if it were to occur, they are lower the anticipation of stress. 

For example, a person could allow anxiety to take over their mind by thinking that it would be a catastrophe if something were to take place. Yet, a person who faces an anxious situation head-on would say if a problem ensues, they will find a way to turn it around.

A person can also use their mind to give themselves a pep talk which will determine their mindset before a big event. A way to do this is to think of what one would say to a friend who is feeling nervous, then take that advice for one's self.

Another option is to tell one's self phrases such as "You got this" or "Knock 'em dead” which can be used to build a person’s confidence and get their mind in the right frame of mind before going into a nerve-racking situation. 

An individual can also reframe their unhelpful self-talk and focus on the parts of their life that they can control. For example, a person can control their performance for an event, but they cannot control the audience's reaction to the performance. A person can also create a mantra before a big performance, such as "just do your best."

Congratulate one’s self for facing one’s fears no matter what the outcome may be. Whenever a person walks into an anxiety-provoking setting, they have the chance to practice facing their fears, which will get easier over time. It is important to remind one’s self that they did not shy away from a fearful situation and to celebrate their act of bravery. This will lead to a level of trust a person will have for themselves about future provoking situations.

It is normal to struggle to find the calm in a situation when the anxiety seems so powerful, but there are strategies to help a person to push the anger or anxiety away and find a sense of calmness at any given moment. 

The first strategy has been used widely in therapy and meditation exercises, breathing. Studies have shown that breathing is the leading cause for a quick reduction in stress and diminished anger. When a person is angry or anxious, they tend to take quick and shallow breaths that send a message to the brain to promote the fight-or-flight response. 

When a person takes deep calming breaths that counteracts the fight-or-flight response, which allows for a person to calm down, there are many different types of breathing exercises that a person can try out. Try a couple of different exercises to see which one is able to calm them down the best. 

The next strategy is to challenge one's thoughts because anxiety and anger cause irrational thoughts that only work to heighten anger or anxiety. When a person is caught up in thinking of a worst-case scenario, they are likely to sabotage other moments in their life as a result.

When a person finds themselves in a negative thought process, counteract the thoughts with questions such as how likely is it that this will happen or have I ever experienced this before and maybe what is the worst that could happen and can I handle it? These questions can be used to squash the troubling thoughts and replace them with a newfound level of confidence. 

A person may also want to try releasing their anger and anxiety through a couple of different exercises. The exercise could be going for a walk or run because physical actives will release serotonin, which helps a person to calm down and feel emotionally better. However, a person should avoid exercises that utilize aggression such as punching or kicking because this will only fuel the angry and anxious emotional mindset. 

Visualize one's self-feeling calm is another possible strategy that requires a person to use the breathing exercises discussed previously. After an individual takes a couple of deep breaths, they will close their eyes and picture themselves calm. Then they can visualize their body relaxed while working through a stress-provoking situation. This mental image allows a person to think back to a time when they were calm in an imaginative stressful situation once they are in an actual one.

A person can listen to music to move past their anxiety. When a person listens to their favorite music, this can have a calming effect on both their body and mind. However, it is not always best to choose music with a sad or angry undertone when a person is feeling angry or anxious because this may only lead to worsening feelings of anger and anxiety.

Changing one's focus can mean leaving a situation by looking away, exiting a room, or walking outside. This can be a great strategy because it allows a person to step back from a stressful or angering situation so that they can have a clear mind to make better decision-making choices. Studies have shown that people are not in their best mindset when they are anxious or angry because the mind shifts to survival mode. It can be helpful to be in a fight-or-flight frame of mind when one is in danger, but if an instance does not call for survival mode, it is time for a more rational and calm thought process.

A part of regaining one's focus is to get fresh air, which is actually a strategy all on its own. Studies have proven that both the temperature and the air circulation in a room can heighten a person's anxiety or anger. When a person is feeling tense, and the room they are in feels hot and claustrophobic, this may lead to a panic attack.

If a person feels their anxiety or anger set in, try leaving the room or environment they are in as quickly as possible and head outside. It could just be a few minutes, but the fresh air will still be able to help a person calm down. The change in scenery can also be helpful because it disrupts the angry or anxious thought process.

A simple move of just dropping one’s shoulders is another possible strategy to calm down. When the body becomes tense, it is likely that the individual’s poster is part of the problem. The acts of sitting up straight, taking a deep breath and dropping one’s shoulders can counteract the tension in the body. A person can bring their shoulders down multiple times a day by focusing on pulling their shoulder blades together before bringing them down, all while taking deep breaths through the nose.

When a person is anxious or angry, the majority of their anger is put towards irrational thoughts. And so, when a person is at a point where they feel calm, that the opportunity to find an object that centers them. A centering object could be a small stuffed animal, shimmering rock that is in one’s pocket or a locket that the person wears around their neck.

Remind oneself that whenever they begin feeling anxious and irritated, they will touch the centering object. This reminder will ground the individual and keep their thoughts calm. For example, if a person is anxious about giving a presentation in school, they can rub the locket around their neck before and during the presentation.

One final strategy for learning how to calm down is to find the pressure points that calm a person's anger and anxiety. Massages and acupuncture are knowns outlets for relieving stress; however, it can be difficult to find the time and money to utilize these resources constantly. Luckily, a person can do acupressure on one's self to instantly relieve their anxiety. The process includes putting pressure on the pressure points of the body with one's hands or fingers. The pressure will then release the tension in the body and calm a person down both mentally and physically.

One particular area that a person should start with is on the inside of the writs where a crease is formed with the hand. When the spot is located, a person will press their thumb to the area for 2 minutes. The process will lead to stress reduction.

Along with the strategies for instant stress relief, there are also some lifestyle changes that can aid with a long-term calm state of mind. One of which is exercise. Previous chapters have shared some of the benefits of regular exercise, but there is still more to be discussed about how exercise can pay off in the long run. Exercise does not only release neurotransmitters to the brain, but it can also lead to a positive shift is a person's overall mentality. It is believed that people who engage in exercise will see an elevation in their self-esteem and self-confidence. Physical activity can also lead to a heightened sense of empowerment and can help improve social connections and relationships in general.

When a person put a great deal of effort into improving their diet, they can develop a calmer mindset. There are multiple ways a person can go about fixing their diet, including eating healthier. A person can fill their plate with foods that are fresh, make sure that they are drinking enough water and calcium as well as ensuring that their trans-fat intake is low. It is also important for people to remember to take care of their gut, cut out sweetened beverages, and try out decaf options.

Getting enough sleep is another way to create long-term calmness. Research has indicated that when a person is sleep-deprived, they tend to categorize neutral images as harmful, which can lead to even everyday objects and situations to appear menacing anxiety-provoking.

One final lifestyle change that can help a person reach an overall calmness is identifying one's sense of purpose. Research shows that when people have a solid sense of purpose, they will develop a better ability to handle the ups and downs of life. Developing a purpose in life allows for a psychological barrier against hindrances. This means that even when life is at its low point, a person's sense of purpose allows them to stay content with their life.

The ability to become calm is something that can strongly help with stress reduction. However, some people are naturally more calm than other people; and so, there are certain actions and mental choices that calm people make that allow them to be more readily relaxed.

One characteristic of a calm person is their ability to deal with problems at the moment rather than let the stress fester. A person who is calm will not anticipate their problems or put off dealing with an issue until they have to. Instead, they will swiftly take the problems as they occur. This allows them not to become overwhelmed with too many issues at once.

When people struggle to cope with stress, they typically worry a lot about the problems before they even happen. This leads to them avoiding the problems that have already occurred. If an individual can learn to stop focusing on possible future problems, and work through the ones that are right in front of them, they will be learning a calmer approach to problem-solving.

Another attribute of a calm person is they are able to treat themselves kindly. When a person becomes stressed, they are likely to start internalizing their frustrations and worries and end up putting themselves down. This can lead to a person becoming depressed and developing a diminished sense of self-worth.

A calm person is able to see their mistakes and weaknesses and attempt to fix their errors and limitations without beating themselves up about it. This is because a calm person is aware that putting one's self down will not solve a problem; it is actually going to make it that much more difficult to overcome obstacles.

A person who is calm is also able to avoid dwelling on bad luck. These individuals are aware that life contains ups and downs, and the hard times will make them that much stronger. They are even able to believe in themselves and their capability to cope with bad luck and unfortunate circumstances.

The opposite is true for someone who is struggling with anxiety, stress, and depression because their minds will fill with the negative thoughts and avoid the good moment that has been had. If a person is struggling mentally, they may want to try and learn how to have their sights set on the good moments in life more so than the bad moments.

The fourth ability of a calm person goes along with the common saying that they are able to stop and smell the roses. Rather than being trapped in racing thoughts of what has gone wrong in a person’s life or only seeing the negatives in general, a calm person takes the time to be grateful for what they have.

Calm people will take a moment to savor what is good in their life and the success that they have found over the years.

Calm people are also able to remember that a person cannot know everything someone else has been through; and so, they do not take other people's actions to heart. These individuals do not overthink about what could have gone wrong when a person acts weirdly towards them. This differs from a person who suffers from some type of mental illness or is currently under stress because those who are not overly calm will dwell on what they could have done wrong when someone acts strange. For example, a car beeps at the car in front of them when they do not make a turn right away. A person who is stress might focus on the fact that they were beeped at and think that the person is mad at them. A calm person will think that the person is in a rush but will remember that they should only make the turn when they think that it is safe to do so.

This goes along with the next characteristic of a calm person because these types of people know when to cut other people some slack. Since a calm person knows not to beat themselves up over the mistakes they've made or the flaws that they have, they are also able not to judge other people too quickly. Furthermore, they do not set unfeasible standards for other people.

Chapter 9: Breathing Therapy

Therapy is used to treat a multitude of mental disorders as well as any physical or emotional pain a person may be feeling. One particular form of therapy that has been used to treat many different types of personal struggles is breathing therapy, which is also called breathwork. During this form of therapy, a person will use breathing exercises to progress their mental, physical, and spiritual health.

Breathwork comes in many different forms, and each type has its own unique benefits and characteristics. Some variations use components of talk therapy, music, and bodywork. The forms of therapy can also be done individually, with couples or in larger groups. However, the main goal of each variation of breathwork is to bring self-awareness to an individual. Any person who is practicing breathwork should be a certified medical professional.

Breathwork is used to help people with illnesses such as anxiety, depression, and chronic pain. Yet there is also some other reason why a person may choose this therapy technique, including having anger issues, experiencing traumatic events or a loss and the emotional effects that physical illnesses can cause. The main goal of any use of breathwork is to provide a person with self-awareness and the ability to self-heal.

There are many different types of breathwork that have been used today, but there are some techniques that are more widely known and used than others. One of the most well-known forms of breathwork is holotropic breathwork, where the goal is for a person to find a sense of "wholeness" towards the body, mind, and spirit. During this form of breathwork, a person is guided through breath exercises while they are lying down. The practitioner will use expressive music and sometimes bodywork to aid in the process and bring the patient back and forth between states of consciousness.

This particular variation of breathwork is typically used in group settings because it allows people to work in pairs and support one another person's progress over time.

Each participant will also usually create their own mandalas, a symbol of their spiritual journey thus far, and the sessions end with a group discussion and sharing of their experiences so far. This allows for everyone to be able to think and express what they have learned about themselves through the breathwork therapy.

Another form of breathwork is rebirthing breathwork or conscious energy breathing. The idea behind this form is that everyone internally holds onto the trauma that occurs during their birth experience. Leonard Orr is the founder of this therapy, which he created after he, by all accounts, re-experienced his birth at home in his bathtub. He decided to help others come to the same inner peace that he was able to find. The main goal of rebirthing breathwork is to be liberated from energy blockages that have been stowed away in the mind and body since the trauma of birth.

The treatment process includes the patient lying down and told to relax while breathing in and out normally. The next step is to use "conscious connected circular breathing," which causes a person's reservations and self-consciousness to surface. This leads to the trauma from a person's past to be illuminated. Once the trauma has been pinpointed, the final step is to use deep relaxation to promote brain waves. The activation of brain waves can cause a release of subconscious problems and overwhelming pent-up energy.

A third well-known form of breathwork is clarity breathwork, which uses many of the components of the rebirthing breathwork technique. However, the primary focus of clarity breathwork is not the trauma from childbirth. Clarity breathwork can be used to address any issue that obstructs a healthy flow for both breathing and a person's overall energy. The idea behind this form of breathwork is that people do not breathe to their full capability. Furthermore, the goal of this particular technique is to communicate to people how one can breathe to their full capacity.

Clarity breathwork will likely allow a person to release the emotional energy that is keeping them both mentally and physically stuck. The process of body-awareness begins with an in-depth interview regarding current concerns as well as past occurrences. The sessions then lead to a detailed subconscious counseling or somatic examination. The treatment also includes an hour-long session of circular connected breathing.

One final breathwork exercise is biodynamic breathwork also works with the release of trauma. This form of breathwork is one of the more celebrate methods, and actually contains six elements within its practice. The categories include breath, meditation, touch, sound, emotion, and movement. The overall goal of implementing all of the above categories is to get rid of tension and later support natural healing through a restructuring of the body's internal systems.

This particular approach of breathwork comprehends that trauma can be stored in both physical and psychological ways. Some specific ways trauma can be stored include persistent stress, emotional configurations, and blocked energy. When biodynamic breathwork is used, the aim is to re-establish balance to the body’s biological and mental systems. The overall goal of the therapy is to achieve a self-transformation.

During the treatment sessions, the certified professional may encompass exercises such as deep breathing as well as connected breathing. They may also try to include the reassessing of deep-seated memories and sensations, sound or music therapy, vocalization or dance therapy and whole-body shaking. When a person has completed this treatment, they will be able to support other people who use the same technique and will be able to create both relaxation and space within their own physical body.

Included within the different forms of breathwork is also the possible breathing exercises that can help a variation to reach their end goal. Each form of breathwork is actually centered on the use of breathing in and out. Although different breathing exercises have their own unique characteristics, each of them focuses on types of breathing that lasts for a certain amount of time.

One example of a type of breathing exercise is called continuous circular breathing which used deep and full breaths. The patient will be consistently breathing in and out and do not hold their breath at any point during the exercise. When a person is continuously breathing in and out, they are able to create a circle of breath.

Another type of breathing exercise is immersion in water. The participant is either partially or fulling submerged in water. The certified professional will ask the participant to breathe deeply.

If the person has their head above water, they can do so normally, but if the person is completely immersed in the water, they will be given a snorkel to begin the deep breathing. This particular breathing exercise is commonly used in the rebirthing breathwork.

One other breathing exercise is 20 connected breaths. The name of the exercise is the actual process of the technique. The patient is asked to breathe in and out 20 times. However, the breaths are divided up strategically. The individual is asked to take four short breaths four times and then one final deep breath. The exercise is at its most beneficial when the breaths are taken in and out through the nose. The breathing exercise may lead to abnormal states of consciousness for some people.

Variations of breathwork have been utilized for centuries in order for people to find self-healing and spiritual awakening. The therapy has roots in Eastern meditation techniques such as Tai Chi and yoga. However, the majority of the breathwork done today is based on consciousness because of the consciousness-raising era that occurred between the 1960s and 1970s.

Chapter 10: Personality Disorder – How to Recognize It

Personality disorders can be extremely harmful to any type of relationship if they are left undiagnosed and thus, untreated. A person with a variation of any type of personality disorder will have a wide array of emotions and behaviors that can be detrimental to relationships because friends and family may feel forced to withdraw from the person with the disorder.

Some of the main indications that a person is struggling with a personality disorder are that they have a difficult time creating and maintaining relationships with family, friends, significant others, and coworkers. A person with a personality disorder also typically does not enjoy social events.

Each type of personality disorder has its own distinct characteristics; however, they all share a couple of features. For example, all of the personality disorders include a pattern of behavior that differs from societal views. The other commonality is that each type of personality disorder implies that a person has distorted cognitive functioning, which leads to an alteration in their behaviors, their interactions with other people and possibility their impulse control.

The main causes behind any personality disorder include the genetic component. If there is a family history of a personality disorder, that can increase the likelihood that other members of the family will also develop the disorder. It is also possible that if other mental illnesses run in the family, personality disorders can arise as well.

The passing down of genes can also lead to personality disorders because there are certain types of personality traits that correlate with problematic behaviors such as addiction, impulsive behavior, high-stress levels, and mood swings. These types of personality traits are categorized as temperaments.

The other likely cause stems from an individual’s upbringing. If a person grows up in a dysfunctional household, this allows room for variations of personality disorders later in life. It is typically during early childhood or their adolescent years that leads to mental defects later down the line. For example, if a person has an abusive parent, they may have an increased likelihood of developing a borderline personality disorder. Another example is if a child is not given enough praise and constructive criticism, their chances of developing a narcissistic personality disorder.

The signs and symptoms of personality disorders are what truly sets each of the variations apart from one another. The subtypes of the disorder are categorized into three possible behaviors, including eccentric behavior, anxious behavior, and erratic behavior. While exhibiting one of the three behaviors can indicate that a person is suffering from a personality disorder, it is also important that a person seeks professional help to receive an accurate diagnosis.

If a person is showing signs of odd and eccentric behavior as well as outlandish thinking patterns, they could be suffering from a schizotypal personality disorder, paranoid personality disorder, or schizoid personality disorder.

If an individual's thinking and behavior become unpredictable, unreasonably emotional or dramatic, it is possible that they are suffering from a historic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, or narcissistic personality disorder.

Lastly, if a person is showing signs of anxious and fearful thoughts and behaviors, they might be suffering from an avoidant personality disorder, obsessive-compulsive personality disorder, or dependent personality disorder.

The physical and emotional symptoms vary depending on which type of personality disorder a person is suffering from; however, the short and long-term effects tend to be universally problematic. All personality disorders tend to have a negative effect on a person’s psyche over time. Some possible negative effects include neglecting one’s health, both mentally and physically, mood swings, depression, suicide attempts, withdrawing from both social interactions and relationships.

There are at least 10 personality disorders that have been widely examined by medicinal professionals. One of the most well-known forms is borderline personality disorder. People who suffer from this disorder will struggle to function in their everyday life because the illness alters their way of thinking about themselves and other people.

It is common for people with the disorder to develop a negative opinion about their self-image, to struggle with managing their emotions and behaviors, and to have difficulties in maintaining relationships.

Borderline personality disorder also leads to people having a fear of abandonment, unpredictability, and they may even not be able to tolerate being left alone. This is extremely problematic because an individual with the disorder will likely have inappropriate fits of anger and irregular mood swings that end up pushing people away.

The disorder typically takes effect in early adulthood and is usually at its worse during this time but can become less severe as the individual ages. And so, if a person is diagnosed with a borderline personality disorder, the proper treatment and time can help a person work through their illness.

The main symptoms of the disorder are related to how a person views one's self, their ability to relate to other people, and their overall behavior. The main symptoms include the fear of abandonment which leads person to person taking extreme measures to avoid both imaginary and real separation or rejection. The person will also have a string of unstable relationships. For example, one minute, the person with the illness will idealize a person followed by feeling as though that same person does not care enough about them and is being harsh.

Hasty changes in self-image, such as shifting goals and values, and seeing one's self as evil or worthless, is another possible symptom as well as exhibiting impulsive and hazarding behaviors. This can include gambling, unsafe sex, drug and alcohol abuse, and binge eating.

Some of the other possible symptoms can be moments of stress-related paranoia where a person loses their sense of reality and a wide array of mood swings. Both of which can last anywhere between a couple of minutes to a few hours. There have also been cases where the mood swings have lasted for days at a time.

Anger is another possible indicator of borderline personality disorder. Specifically, when the individual is exhibiting moments of inappropriate and intense anger. Some examples include getting into physical fights, being bitter towards other people, and constantly losing one's temper.

One symptom that can be extremely dangerous is possible suicidal thoughts after learning of the possibility of rejection or separation. If someone expresses that they might inflict self-harm, seek assistance from a professional. One may be able to talk their loved one into getting help, but it cannot be forced. One might be required to speak to a therapist directly in order to get the proper help needed.

It is important to try and get help when a person has this personality disorder even when suicide is not talked about because borderline personality disorder can lead to a person being unable to keep a job, they can find themselves in abusive relationships, and they may increase their likelihood of unplanned pregnancies or develop sexually transmitted diseases.

The disorder may also be accompanied by other mental disorders that should be managing, including depression, addiction, bipolar disorder, eating disorders, or post-traumatic stress disorder.

The probability of other mental disorders is linked to a possible specific cause of borderline personality disorder, brain abnormalities. Research shows that changes in particular areas of the brain, including emotional regulation and impulse control can lead to a person developing a borderline personality disorder. There have also been studies done to prove that when a person’s serotonin levels do not function properly, it can create negative effects on the portion of a person’s brain chemistry that regulates mood.

The second type of disorder is a paranoid personality disorder. During this illness, a person has a high level of mistrust towards other people, even when they have no logical reason not to trust someone.

This leads to the person with the disorder to constantly have their guard up around other people because they believe that everyone is trying to degrade, harm, or intimidate them. The suspicious beliefs about other people also lead to an inability to make and maintain close relationships.

The main symptoms unique to paranoid personality disorder include being unforgiving of others and tend to hold grudges as well as they take criticism badly and are hypersensitive. These individuals will read into hidden meanings in innocent comments or created insensitive connotations behind casual looks.

Other symptoms may include having continued suspicions that a significant other is being unfaithful, even when they have no reason to believe it is true. They could also observe reoccurring attacks on their character that no one else picks up on and will most likely act impulsively and angrily. They are also typically unable to take ownership of the part they play in a problem or conflict because they have the irrational idea that they are always right in any given situation.

The level of mistrust that this disorder causes can also lead to a person not being comfortable confiding in other people because of their strong fear that any personal information will be used against them later on.

There is no one exact cause as to why a person develops such a high level of paranoia, but similar to the other personality disorders, early childhood trauma can play a role in whether or not a person develops this disorder. There have also been studies done to understand a possible genetic link. The majority of people who develop paranoia personality disorder also have a close relative who suffers from schizophrenia.

When looking to treat someone for this disorder, understanding the family history can be extremely helpful in diagnosing a person with the illness. However, physical tests can be done after the medical history is flagged.

Even though there is not a laboratory exam that can definitively identify paranoia personality disorder, physical exams can be used to rule out other possible illnesses that could be to blame for symptoms. If other illnesses can be identified, the doctor can transfer the individual over to a psychologist or health care professional who is well versed in all types of mental illnesses. Psychologists used to interview and evaluation tools that are specifically designed to diagnose an individual with a mental disorder.

An issue with treatment that may arise is that people with paranoid personality disorder tend to not seek treatment on their own because they are unable to see that they have a problem mainly because they think that everyone around them is the problem.

However, when treatment is utilized, maybe because of help from a loved one, psychotherapy is the most popular method used. The goal of the treatment is to improve coping abilities, social interactions, self-esteem, and communication skills. Yet another problem can be found with this method of treatment because psychotherapy is primarily built on a level of trust between the counselor and the patient. This can be an issue because one of the main symptoms of the disorder is the inability to trust other people, which leads to the patient not following their treatment plan.

In some cases, medications can be used to help manage the disorder, specifically anti-psychotic, anti-anxiety, and antidepressant drugs. This treatment option is not typically used, but if a person has symptoms that are extreme enough or they also suffer from another psychological, mental disorder, they can be useful.

If an individual is unable to find a treatment option that improves their symptoms, complications can ensue. As previously stated, relationships can be difficult to maintain, but other complications can include struggling in both social and work environments. It is also common that a person with a paranoid personality disorder will find themselves in legal battles. They may decide to sue people or companies that they believe “wronged” them.

Along with the complications, the outlook of what it is like for a person to live with paranoia personality disorder varies. The illness is considered a chronic disorder, meaning it lasts for a person’s entire lifetime.

Even though there are individuals with the disorder who are able to function in their everyday life, specifically holding a job and having lasting relationships, there are also a large number of people who totally restricted by this disorder.

There is no cure or prevention method for paranoid personality disorder; however, the possible treatment options can be used to help the people who are prone to the illness learn healthy ways to deal with situations.

The third type of illness, schizoid personality disorder, is one of the uncommon forms of personality disorder. The illness means there is detachment from possible social interactions and a constrained range of emotional communication. This type of individual tends to be a loner and will choose solitary activities rather than group ones even though they would benefit from the opportunities to learn social skills.

Because the individual lacks emotional expression, other people may view this to mean that the person does not care about the other people around them as well as their surroundings in general.

The disorder typically shows symptoms during early adulthood, but there have been cases where signs are noticeable during childhood. This may make it difficult for children to function in school and adults to function in the workplace. Some adults choose jobs that allow them to avoid needing to be social and speak out in groups.

The most common symptoms other than being antisocial include not finding enjoyment in close relationships, having little interest in sexual relationships, and feeling as though the individual can experience any form of pleasure. These individuals also struggle to express emotions; they may appear humorless, lack motivation, and do not react to praise or criticism.

There is a slight connection between schizoid personality disorder, schizotypal personality disorder, and schizophrenia because of their shared inability to make social connections and their shared lack of emotional expression. Yet, there are also some major differences that differ from schizoid personality disorder from the other two.

One of which is during this disorder, the person is still aware of reality, and so they are not likely to experience the hallucinations and paranoia that can occur in the other two disorders. Schizoid personality disorder also does not affect their communication skills in the sense that other people are able to understand them when they speak. Their tone may seem mundane and cryptic, but their words make sense.

Due to the fact that the disorder is not as common as some of the other disorders, there is not as much information on the causes of the illness, but there is speculation that both environmental, specifically during a person’s early childhood, and genetic factors play a role in its development.

Some possible risk factors have also been examined include having a relative or immediate family member who has a schizoid personality disorder, schizophrenia, or schizotypal personality disorder. It is also possible that if an individual has a parent who was neglectful or unsympathetic to their child's emotional needs could lead to the disorder.

Researchers have also been able to note that when a person develops a schizoid personality disorder, they are also at risk of developing delusional disorders such as schizophrenia or schizotypal personality disorder. Other mental disorders, including major depressive and any anxiety disorder, can also develop.

When a person is suffering from a schizotypal personality disorder, they are typically described as odd and unconventional. They also find it difficult to hold onto close relationships because this disorder causes people not to recognize how to form relationships as well as how their actions and behaviors can affect the people around them. These individuals are also likely to misinterpret other people's words and actions which leads to a high level of trust issues.

An inability to maintain relationships and not be able to trust people can result in severe anxiety. The anxiety towards social interactions can worsen over time because a person with this disorder tends to respond inappropriately to other people’s social cues and are set in their particular beliefs. This also may mean that the individual will isolate themselves in social situations to avoid judgment from other people.

An individual will most likely develop symptoms during their early adulthood but can used treatments such as medication to lessen symptoms. In order to be diagnosed with the disorder, a person will show at least five signs of mental and physical changes such as lacking companionship outside of their immediate family. They may also interpret events differently than the other people around them do. For example, they may make a comment that is seemingly innocent to mean that they are personally attacked.

A person with a schizotypal personality disorder will also exhibit unusual ways of thinking and have absurd mannerisms. They may also dress unconventionally; specifically, they will have oddly matched clothes or give off an unkempt image.

Their language can also deviate from the social norm because they speak in vague and unusual patterns. Another option is the individual will ramble during conversations.

Other symptoms may include believing that they or someone else has special powers such as mental telepathy and superstitions. They can also develop altered perceptions of reality, for example, they may believe that they can see someone or are experiencing the presence of someone who is not actually there. Paranoia and doubting other people’s loyalty are also possible.

There are also premature indications that can come out before adulthood as well. In a person's teen years, they may begin taking an interest in solitary activities and choose to withdraw from social interactions. Social anxiety can also be a key indicator before adulthood sets in. Children may show signs of underdevelopment in school. They may also become socially isolated from their peers which can lead to bullying and teasing.

A schizotypal personality disorder is oftentimes misinterpreted as schizophrenia because of the similarities in their names as well as the paranoia and delusional thought processes. However, there are key differences between the two mental disorders. One of which is that people who suffer from schizophrenia have frequent and powerful hallucinations and delusions. An individual with a schizotypal personality disorder can have episodes of hallucinations and delusion, but they are not as strong and do not occur as often as they do for people with schizophrenia.

The other key difference between the two disorders is that it is common for people with a schizotypal personality disorder to become aware of their misconceptions about reality, but people who suffer from schizophrenia struggle to come to grips with what is a part of reality and what is occurring within their mind.

Even though there are important differences between the two disorders, a person who is suffering from a schizotypal personality disorder can still benefit from treatment options that are similar to the treatment option for schizophrenia. There are actually cases where schizotypal personality disorder is considered a less severe case of schizophrenia.

Similar to schizophrenia, people who show signs of a schizotypal personality disorder do not typically seek help on their own for their illness. It usually requires a nudge from a family member or friend to get help from a medical professional. The individual's mistrust in other people may be a reason for their disinterest in getting help. However, it is important that a person finds help because of the possible other health complications that can occur alongside schizotypal personality disorder. Some possible complications include depression, the onset of other personality disorders, drug and alcohol abuse, episodes of psychosis due to high levels of stress, and attempting suicide.

There has not been a definitive cause found that leads a person to develop a schizotypal personality disorder, but researchers have speculated that personality and genetics play a role in the illness onset. There are indications that if a relative has schizophrenia or another type of psychotic disorder, the other blood relatives have an increased risk of developing a schizotypal personality disorder.

Personality can become a factor in the disorder’s development because it is what allows individuals to interpret and perceive the world around them in a unique way. It is also how a person views one’s self.

An individual's personality begins to form during childhood and continues to be shaped as they grow up and experience different types of interactions — the inherited personality traits and environmental factors as a structure that a person develops into.

Typically, social situations allow a child to develop social cues and learn how to respond correctly to social interactions. Even though medical professionals are not positive what goes wrong in the personality development for children who end up developing a schizotypal personality disorder, it is strongly believed that a shift in brain functions and genetic predisposition are the main causes.

Another well-known personality disorder is antisocial personality disorder where a person lacks the ability to empathize with other people; and so, their sole focus is to use others and situations for their personal gain. This disorder also oftentimes also means that the person will not conform to the societal social norms, which can lead to multiple arrests and criminal activity.

Studies have shown that men who exhibit signs of antisocial personality disorder will break the law and choose reckless and manipulative behavior. Some of the other telltale signs of the disorder include constantly lying and deceiving others in order to exploit them, being cynical and disrespectful towards other people, impulsive, aggressive and being a part of abusive or unhealthy relationships. 

When a person is suffering from an antisocial personality disorder, they will first show symptoms of conduct disorder. This typically occurs by the age of 15. The main signs of conduct disorder are theft, vandalism, and destruction of property as well as cruelty to both humans and animals.

The exact cause of antisocial personality disorder, but it is believed that both a person’s environment and their genetic makeup play a key role in the disorder’s development. Children who live in abusive or neglectful households have a higher risk of developing the disorder, but those who have family members also suffering from the disorder have an increased risk of being diagnosed with the illness themselves. There have also been studies done to see whether an alteration in a person’s brain function can play a role in antisocial behavior. The amygdala has specifically been linked to the disorder because of studies done with convicted felons.

People who suffer from antisocial personality disorder will live with the illness for life; however, some of the symptoms may lessen or go away altogether over time, including destructive and criminal behavior. It is unclear whether the decrease in symptoms is due to a person's aging or their ability to understand the possible consequences of their actions.

Regardless, if a person is suffering from the illness, they should seek medical attention. It is best to first get help from a primary care physician or therapist. It is common for people who suffer from the disorder to attempt to avoid treatment, and so, they may need an extra push from family and friends.

When a person is suffering from a histrionic personality disorder, they tend to dramatize situations and their emotions because they are seeking attention from the people around them. An individual may also choose to act inappropriately, including oversexualizing themselves or an instance, to gain attention.

People with a histrionic personality disorder may also suffer from a borderline personality disorder. However, the main symptoms that differentiate histrionic personality disorder from borderline personality disorder include giving strong opinions while speaking dramatically, even though they do not have the facts or details to back up what they are saying. Other symptoms are being easily influenced by other people, rapid shifts in emotions, an uncontrollable obsession with one's appearance, and thinking that their relationships with people are stronger and closer than they actually are.

The exact cause for the disorder is not known, but researchers do believe that both genetic and learned factors can lead to the illness. The disorder tends to run within families which implies that it is likely that people can inherit the disorder from a family member who already has the illness. However, it is also possible that a child learns the histrionic behaviors from a parent, and this may be the reason why the disorder develops.

Possible environmental factors that can influence a person’s chances of developing the illness include not receiving criticism or punishment,

only being given positive reinforcement for specific positive behaviors and being given unpredictable attention from a parent as a child. All of these environmental factors can lead to confusion over what types of behavior will elicit praise from a parent.

Narcissistic personality disorder can lead a person to be preoccupied with an unrealistic image of power they have and will thus see others as inferior to them. Since they hold themselves to such a high standard, they typically feel as though other people should constantly be giving them praise attention. These individuals also struggle to empathize with other people and do not seem to care to understand other people's feelings.

Similar to histrionic personality disorder, a narcissistic personality disorder can be coupled with a borderline personality disorder. However, in order to be diagnosed with a narcissistic personality disorder, the individual must exhibit at least five particular symptoms.

Some of the symptoms include entitlement, arrogance, either envying other people or having the false belief that others are envious of one's self, they lack empathy, an ability to use other people to reach personal goals, they strive for admiration, want attention and they create elaborate fantasies about having power and success over other people.

Recently, DSM has added a few other components to the diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder, one of which is the person’s identity. If an individual defines their identity by other people’s opinions of them and has an uncertain sense of self-esteem as well as an unclear understanding of their emotions, then they are likely suffering from the disorder.

Another new component is their self-direction. A person suffering from this illness will focus their attention on gaining the approval of other people and creating unrealistically high expectations for themselves.

A lack of empathy has already been established as a symptom of narcissistic personality disorder; however, a recent variation has been made to this particular component.

An individual with this illness may show signs of empathy by being aware of another person's wants and need, but only when the narcissistic individual deems relevant. For example, the person with the illness may acknowledge a sibling being upset, but only because they are looking for a ride and need the sibling to cheer up enough to drive them.

The next and final shift in the DSM is intimacy in relationships. A person suffering from this disorder will likely have shallow relationships for the sole purpose of boosting their ego. They typically will have no particular interest in a companion’s own personal interests or experiences.

A few other signs that someone is suffering from narcissistic personality disorder include being manipulative and altering facts to fit their status and image, their inability to maintain healthy and fulfilling relationships can lead to anxiety and depression, they struggle to deal with stress or changes and significant failures can lead to alcohol or drug abuse, depression and sometimes suicide attempts.

When attempting to understand the causes of narcissistic personality disorder, it is first important to note that narcissism is used to mask vulnerabilities, insecurities, and deep-seated shame. There are multiple factors as to why a person may use this coping mechanism, one being genetics. There has not been one particular gene that can be linked to the disorder, yet, the disorder does show an imbalance in the neurotransmitter’s serotonin and dopamine.

The environment can also play a role in the onset of narcissistic personality disorder, specifically the social interaction component. Narcissism begins in a person’s childhood usually, and so, relationships with a parent or sibling can lead to the disorder. If a child has an unhealthy or neglectful relationship with a parent, they might develop the personality disorder to overcompensate for what they lacked as a child, attention.

It is also understood that almost all children have an inflated ego and are attention-seeking, but their developmental growth allows them to move past this stage.

However, a narcissist remains trapped in the mode of thinking that their wants and needs should be the primary focus of other people.

There have also been studies done to show the possible link between deficiencies in the brain and narcissistic personality disorder. The results found the many of the patients who suffered from the personality disorder showed signs of a thinner cerebral cortex. This was extremely telling because one of the functions of the cerebral cortex is to allow a person to feel and show compassion.

The treatment options for narcissistic personality disorder typically rely on forms of counseling, including cognitive-behavioral therapy, psychotherapy, and transference-focused therapy. Therapy can also help a person to identify whether or not they have any other underlying mental disorder that can coexist with narcissism such as depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and bipolar disorder.

People who suffer from avoidant personality disorder tend to avoid social situations due to the discomfort social settings can cause and their fear of being rejected by other people. These individuals will also be hypersensitive and show feelings of inadequacy when they are given negative evaluations.

The disorder, however, goes beyond being shy or nervous about social interactions. The illness can actually cause issues in a person's everyday life, such as an inability to maintain relationships and or interact with people in general. This personality disorder is one of the rarer ones and only affects about 1% of the general population.

It can be difficult to identify whether a person is suffering from this disorder unless they have a close relationship with that person. A few possible symptoms that people can take note of include when a person avoids school, work, or social gatherings. This is one of the most common symptoms because the person will be too fearful of possible criticism or rejection from other people. This is extremely problematic because one of the common internal thoughts of someone suffering from avoidance personality disorder is that they are inferior to other people, which can lead to them feeling unwelcome in social situations even when that may be far from the truth.

Low self-esteem and social isolation are two other possible symptoms of the disorder. These individuals will also be fearful of speaking out in front of other people for fear of saying the wrong thing, stuttering or blushing. They may also be looking around the room during social gatherings because they are attempting to pick up on any potential rejection or criticism.

A person with an avoidance personality disorder is aware of their discomfort and feelings of awkwardness in social situations; however, hearing other people joke or comment on the obvious uneasiness can feel like they are rejecting or criticizing the person with the illness.

According to the DSM-5, in order to be diagnosed with an avoidance personality disorder, an induvial must show signs of at least 4 of the disorder's characteristics. One option is avoiding work-related activities that include interpersonal interactions because the person is afraid of rejection, negative evaluations from others, or disapproval.

Another option is the person is reluctant to get involved in any type of relationship with a person unless they are certain that the person likes them. Also, the person may hold back in intimate relationships because they are afraid of being mocked or shamed by their partner.

The individual may also show signs of being exceedingly cautious and will avoid taking risks when in the presence of a new activity because of the overwhelming fear of being embarrassed.

Symptoms of avoidance behavior can arise in childhood or adolescence, but the official diagnosis cannot occur until early adulthood. This is because being shy, fearful of new people and rejection are all normal thoughts and behaviors of children and adolescents.

Once a person is able to be diagnosed with the disorder, the most common treatment option is talk therapy. However, if the disorder is coupled with other mental illnesses such as depression and anxiety, then medications can also be utilized. 

Dependent personality disorder occurs when a person exhibits signs of neediness and clinginess, coupled with the fear of separation. These individuals will show strong signs of anxiety when they are alone because they heavily rely on other people for comfort, security, guidance, and support.

It is reasonable that a person may feel insecure at times but will work through their self-doubting. A person with a dependent personality disorder cannot work through their insecurities on their own. They rely on other people to reassure them of their self-worth. This can be especially problematic if a person is in a relationship where their partner is manipulative and draws on their need for reassurance.

The disorder will typically have a person showing signs when they reach their early to mid-adulthood. The main symptoms of the disorder include submissive behavior, feeling isolated and uneasy whenever they are alone, easily upset when shown any sign of disapproval, needing constant reassurance from others and relying on friends and family to make decisions for them.

When a person with a dependent personality disorder is forced to be alone, they may show physical and mental symptoms of anxiety such as a panic attack, fear, and hopelessness. These symptoms are directly related to the symptoms of other mental disorders, specifically anxiety-based ones.

There is not too much information known about the causes of the disorder, but researchers believe that there are both biological and environmental factors that can lead to the disorder.

There are also some possible risk factors that have been considered, such as a history of neglect, an abusive household or intimate relationship, having overbearing parents or a family history of anxiety based mental illnesses.

The main goal of treating this personality disorder is to ease the symptoms that the illness causes. Therapy has multiple benefits, including its ability to have a better understanding of a person's conditions, and it may also teach an individual how to build up their self-esteem and to create more healthy relationships.

Psychotherapy tends to be the first choice, which is considered a short-term course of action. More long-term therapy options can also help if symptoms do not go away in a timely manner.

One final disorder is an obsessive-compulsive personality disorder, which is separate from the anxiety illness obsessive-compulsive disorder, but the pair do share some commonalities. When a person suffers from an obsessive-compulsive personality disorder, they will show signs of needing order and perfection. These individuals will also typically attempt to implement their own need for tidiness in their outside environment.

The most common characteristics of a person suffering from this personality disorder include difficulty with expressing emotions, it can be challenging to maintain close relationships, and they are hardworking, but perfectionism can reach a point of incompetence. Other symptoms are irritability or anger; they may experience social isolation, and the illness can also lead to anxiety and depression.

The cause of the personality disorder is not known; however, similar to other disorders, an obsessive-compulsive personality disorder may be linked to genetics and childhood experiences. The problem with being able to diagnose this personality disorder is that it is oftentimes misconstrued as the anxiety disorder obsessive-compulsive disorder. There are key differences between the two disorders that may be helpful in deciding which illness a person is suffering from.

Obsessive-compulsive disorder is characterized by actual obsessions and compulsions. An obsessive-compulsive personality disorder is not portrayed through uncontrollable thoughts or irrational behaviors.

Another difference is that the symptoms of obsessive-compulsive disorder tend to come and go based on the person's level of anxiety. The obsessive-compulsive personality disorder differs because it is defined by an inflexible need for perfection; and so, the behaviors tend to be persistent and long-term.

One final difference is that people with the obsessive-compulsive disorder will usually seek help for their disorder, and people who suffer from obsessive-compulsive personality disorder struggle to seek help.

If an individual is willing to get treatment for their illness, the main form of treatment is therapy, specifically cognitive behavioral therapy. The medical professional will likely try to work with their patients on how to work on putting more effort and time into relationships with family and friends than the person does on work matters.

Medications can also be a helpful option because medications such as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors can work well with decreasing a person's symptoms of anxiety. If a person would prefer to avoid medications, another option is to try relaxation training. Yoga, tai chi, and Pilates can also help to lessen a person's level of stress and urgency.

Like any other personality disorder, finding the best treatment option for one’s self can allow an individual to develop an awareness of the symptoms of their disorder and to find possible ways to reduce the severity of symptoms.

Chapter 11: Meditation Techniques

Meditation is a blatant choice for reducing a person's stress levels. However, there is a wide array of meditation options, and it is key that an individual finds the best meditation method for them. If a person does not have the time to sit down for a full hour mediation session, there are options that allow for 15 or 20 minutes. This is a great option for someone with a hectic schedule but would like to find time to relieve their stress. There are also some unique options that may appeal to a person who is looking for a more unconventional meditation option.

Guided meditation is one of the simplest and rewarding meditation options because rather than trying to keep one's mind focused on meditation, there is an instructor who will do this step for the person. During the guided meditation process, a person is brought into a state of meditation through oral word guidance. The guide will actually walk the person through the meditation process step by step.

Hundreds of companies are learning the powerful benefits of guided meditation; and so, there are a plethora of online resources that provide people with guided meditation options and soothing music. SoundCloud, Google Play, iTunes, and YouTube are all great options for finding guided meditations.

Another meditation technique, candle staring, can be done at home at a moment's notice. This technique requires that a person look intently at a candle, more specifically, the flame that it produces. The main reason why a person would choose this particular technique is if the individual has a difficult time staying focused. When a person finds that their mind and thoughts are racing, they can allow the candle's flame to hold their attention. This will allow the thoughts to disperse because they are more aware of what the candle is doing than what is going on in their minds.

The third technique is a relaxation technique call mantra. During this meditation process, a person chooses a word or phrase to repeat over and over again either out loud or in their head. The goal of this technique is to calm a person down and to pull their focus away from troubling thoughts or emotions.

An individual can choose words from an existing mantra such as the Gayatri Mantra, or they can also formulate their own word choice. It does not matter whether a person chooses to make their own mantra or utilize an already existing one, as long as whatever they choose makes them feel calm and relaxed.

Visualization is another easy technique that can take place whenever a person is feeling anxious or stressed. During this technique, a person visualized a particular image or scene that calms them down. This can be extremely helpful if a person is struggling to sleep before an upcoming stressful day. An example of the visualization technique could be a person imagines that they and a loved one or pet are lying on a hammock while the sun is shining, and a cool breeze is passing through. The person will try to visualize the sights, sounds, smells, and tastes that are a part of their imaginative scene. A visualized image can be as elaborate or as simple as a person chooses to make it, as long as whatever scene is created leads to relaxation and a clearer mind.  

The next technique is being sure that an individual is living in the present moment. During the present moment meditation, the person will begin by closing their eyes and focus their thoughts and energy on their breath. The focus will remain on the breathing for a few moments, but the awareness of one’s body will then become the focus. The individual will become aware of their body and the sensation that is felt around it. The person will focus on sensations felt with the fingertips and the toes. Then the person will take note of what is coming into contact with their body. Maybe the person is lying on a bed so they will notice the smooth and possibly cool sheets underneath them or if they are in a chair, they can feel the soft fabric they are sitting on. The final step is to focus on what can be heard and sensed around the person. Maybe there is the sound of crickets outside the window or the sound of a passing car. If a person is utilizing this technique while they are lying down outside, they may be able to sense the heat of the sun.

Once the individual has reached the final step of awareness, they will reverse the process one step at a time. They will let go of their awareness of what can be heard and sensed, then their awareness of what is beneath their body until they are only focused on the rise and fall of their breathing.

One final meditation technique is to transform into the observer of one's mind. The best way to achieve this is to close one's eyes and focus on the spot between one's eyebrows. This spot is considered a person's third eye, which is believed to be able to control a person's imagination, intuition, and decision-making abilities.

Once a person has their focus on their third eye, they will begin to observe what their mind, body, and emotions are feeling at that moment. This can lead to a person becoming able to understand how certain situations and reactions can affect them mentally and physically.

Finding the best meditation technique for an individual person can allow them to see both their mental and emotional stated improve over time. A person can simply utilize a meditation technique for 10 minutes each day, and they will easily find positive changes in their life.

Conclusion

A person's mind is a powerful place, whether an individual is feeling emotions such as anger, sadness, stress, or anxiety, there are ways to counteract the negative thoughts in one's mind. There are strategies and therapeutic ways a person can go about shifting their minds thoughts into a more positive direction. It can also be difficult to find the motivation or the strength to better one's mind, but with the right support and environment, a person can learn to lead a calmer and fulfilled life.

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